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Reviewed by Carlos Carmona-Goyena (Ph.D, Psychotherapist) Written by Ankita panigrahi November 16, 2020
Given a choice, what would you choose: an American-style waffle drizzled with luxurious Belgian chocolate sauce, topped with chocolate brownie chunks or a nice crumbly sweet, chocolate mousse cheesecake pie served with a scoop of vanilla ice cream? What if you like both? Don’t you want to try them both? Similarly for bisexual, choosing between men and women is difficult. They like both.
Times are changing; it’s becoming more acceptable to admit that some people are attracted to both males and females. But can you accept bisexuality in your close family? Can you accept a bisexual wife/husband? We give you insights into bisexuality, the signs that tell you that your partner is bisexual and how you can help yourself and your partner in such situation.
Bisexual people are those who recognize and honor their desire for physical, sexual and emotional attraction to both men and women.
A mere appreciation of the physical appearance of a same or opposite sex person is not bisexuality. But if the feelings go beyond appreciation to the point that you want to get intimate with either a man or a woman, then you are bisexual.
Biologist and sexologist Alfred Kinsey’s Kinsey scale explains that sexuality is not black or white (heterosexual and homosexual) but a continuum between the two, meaning it moves little by little from heterosexuality to homosexuality.
On the Kinsey scale, 0 is someone who is only heterosexual, 6 is homosexual and 3 indicates someone who is both homosexual and heterosexual (bisexual) (1).
Living in a world, which subscribes to the dichotomy of sexual orientation, it can be difficult for people who fall near the gray spectrum that is the center of the Kinsey scale. But why do people have to fall into this category?
The main causes of bisexuality can be social factors, sex drive, prenatal hormones, brain structure, and chromosomes. Often bisexuals are not sure about their sexual orientation as it is an ongoing process for them (2).
The reasons may vary from person to person because sexuality is highly individualistic. There are many other hypotheses too. Some are:
The bisexuals are part of the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) community, and identify themselves as bisexual, pansexual or fluid. They presume that they are physically attracted to the opposite sex and experimenting or having fun with the same gender people (3).
Moreover, bisexuals are covered under a relationship with the opposite sex, be it marriage or live-in, which makes it difficult to identify them. But would their spouse come to know of it? Can they accept the truth and live with a bisexual partner?
How will you know that your partner is bisexual? You might be confused about the relationship he/she has with their ‘friends’ — is it platonic? Romantic? Sexual?
The following signs may not definitely tell you that your spouse is bisexual but will guide you in understanding them.
Trust your instincts. Many times it works. But, back-up your instinct with valid reasons. Don’t just jump to conclusions without proof.
The sudden discovery comes as a great shock. You can’t think straight, you may want to cry and blame your partner. Your world has turned upside down and you may feel you are barely able to function, sleeping at night might become difficult. It’s understandable if all you want to do is yell and scream at your partner. You may also feel guilty or ashamed about how your children will have to cope up. Future becomes unclear, dreams are shattered. Under the circumstances such feelings are natural but don’t worry you will get through it. Just give yourself time.
If you have just discovered the secret of your partner, don’t make any desperate attempts to cope up with it. Just wait for this phase to get over. Be kind to yourself. Do not blame yourself for the situation.
You may feel that the relationship that you had with your spouse has gone forever. Feeling empty or sad is normal. You might not be ready to know this but you have every chance of building a better relationship. Happy bisexual marriages do exist, with two openly bisexual people or a single bisexual partner taking a vow to love, honor and cherish the relationship.
Once you know about your spouse’s sexual orientation, you might want to decide whether to live or part ways with them. But before making a decision, you need to accept the reality. Here is some help you might need:
But after a thorough thought process, if you have decided to stay back in the relationship, then it is not going to be easy to keep it normal. You need to put in your best efforts.
[ Read: Signs Your Husband Is Having Affair ]
Having a bisexual husband may be difficult for a wife to accept. She might feel responsible for her husband being bisexual. Women need to understand that there is nothing you can or can not do to change your husband’s preferences. Your husband is bisexual and it’s not because of you. His orientation is not the deal but transparency, fidelity. and commitment are what matters in a relationship.
Accepting your husband as he is is the first step towards a secure relationship. Provide your man the trust and understanding he wants from you.
Rather than putting restrictions on each other, have ground rules. Have an open discussion on each other’s feelings and desires. Be honest because lying only brings doubts and insecurities in a relationship. Tell him, he cannot be with any other woman than you. As long as you both are faithful with your set up, you can have a secure married life.
We rarely hear about bisexual wife as most women don’t come out in open and accept it. Many women realize that they are bisexual after they are married, some only dream of having a same gender sex. There are bisexual women who are one man-one woman type or one man-many women type.
The sexual desire your wife has for other women probably cannot be changed. That is the way she is wired. Accepting her and having ground rules will save your relationship as well as sex life. It all depends on your comfort level. In exceptional cases, men might be ok with their wife having sex with another woman when they are present. Some feel that the less they know, the better is for them. Either way, be honest and tell your wife she needs to be truthful with you. Ask for details to keep jealousy at bay.
Having a bisexual wife does not mean that you get the right to sleep with other woman or man. If your wife is honest with you about her sexuality, she has all the right to know about your sexual activities too.
[ Read: How To Deal With Toxic Relationships ]
Your partner has been on a really difficult journey. He/she might have felt lonely, may have worried about the impact on you and the children. Try to understand their difficulties.
If you have decided to live with your bisexual spouse, then you need to support them. Here is some help for you:
Honestly, it does not matter if you can understand your partner completely or not. What matters is your acceptance of their thoughts and preferences.
It will be heartening to know that your spouse is not alone. There are many famous people across the world who are bisexual and are or have been in a monogamous relationship:
A bisexual spouse need not be any different from a normal partner, except for their sexual preferences. Their love and affection for you will not change, and they might want a family and children as much as you want them.
Ultimately, it is for you decide if you can accept the new-found identity of your partner and live with them. If you think you can, then go ahead; if you think you can’t, then move on and let your partner move on too.
What do you think about bisexuality in a marriage? Let us know in the comments section.
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