Having Sex With An Ex
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Having Sex With An Ex
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What needs will be met by your decision to sleep with your ex--or not?
Source: Photo by JD Mason on Unsplash
You think the thrill of a secret sexual encounter will make you feel less depressed about the break-up.
Source: Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash
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We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Posted January 21, 2020
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Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
Some surveys say that as many as 44 percent of people have slept with their ex.
There are many reasons why sleeping with your ex is not such a good idea. And there are many people who feel that sleeping with an ex is just fine.
It isn’t a moral issue nor is it a black and white issue. You should take the time to weigh the pros and cons for you and how you are doing post-breakup. It isn’t right or wrong, but is it right or wrong for you?
If you are thinking about sleeping with your ex, ask yourself what needs will be met by doing so. Look deep at what might be driving you back to your ex when the relationship has ended. Ask yourself what the sex will give you: an orgasm with no other expectations or a desire for an emotional reconnection?
Then ask yourself what the consequences will be. Will you be glad or regret your decision? How will you feel about this afterward? Will this have helped you in your recovery from the breakup or made it more confusing or complicated? Is this an impulsive decision or is it a well-thought-through decision?
Here are some factors to think about when considering sleeping with your ex.
1. It is normal to want to avoid the grief and pain of the divorce. Sleeping with your ex distracts you from the pain of the loss of your relationship or marriage . At the same time, sleeping with your ex postpones the closure that you need to be able to recover, adjust, and move on.
a. Maybe you are afraid to start dating or have new sexual partners. The familiarity of the “devil you know” feels safer than the risks of new relationships.
b. You may get a boost of confidence when you sleep with your ex. That might make it easier to date others.
c. Maybe one last time “for old time’s sake.” Some people say that sex with their ex gives them closure.
2. Maybe the sex was the best part of your marriage. Everything else was awful but the sex was always great, even when you were not getting along. It is hard to give up the one thing that worked well in your relationship.
a. Maybe you feel sorry for your ex. Charity sex might make you feel less guilty, especially if you are the one who decided on the separation or divorce.
b. Maybe you want to show your ex what they will be missing by divorcing you.
c. Or maybe if you are really seductive you think it will pull them back into the relationship.
d. Idealizing your ex or nostalgia about how things used to be can be a powerful enticement.
3. You think you can do it without getting confused or caught up in your emotions.
a. The thrill of the naughty, clandestine hook-up—what an adventure! You think the taboo and excitement of a secret sexual encounter will be fun or will make you feel less depressed about the breakup.
b. You are lonely and your ex is comforting.
c. Even though you might get emotionally tangled up, you can’t resist their invitation. You don’t know how to say no.
d. You’re not thinking about how you will feel tomorrow after sex with your ex.
e. You may be setting yourself up for another loss when your ex gets into a new relationship.
4. Maybe you think you will get a better settlement in your divorce.
a. Consciously or not, you may feel that “being nice” and “cooperative” will make your spouse more generous in the resolution of your divorce. (This might be the worst reason to have sex with your ex.)
b. You might be kidding yourself that if you sleep together you will be better co-parents.
c. You might be hoping for a reconciliation before the divorce is final.
Did any of these factors resonate with you? If so, pause and think carefully about your decision to sleep with your ex. Do other factors come to mind when you think about sex with your ex? If so, please share them in the comments below.
Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. , is the author of The Parent's Guide to Birdnesting: A Child-Centered Solution to Co-Parenting During Separation and Divorce.
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We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
6 Reasons Guys LOVE Ex Sex (Hint: It's Not Usually About The Sex)
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By Sarah Harrison — Written on Jul 26, 2017
While the crazy stat that says men think about sex every seven seconds has been debunked, the feeling behind the statistic remains true: some men can't get sex out of their minds.
Another thing that's hard to get out of your mind? Your ex. Coupled together, sex and the ex are a hard combination to resist. But according to most experts, ex sex is not a good idea.
Here are six reasons men (and women!) love ex sex and why you should stay away from it.
No need to impress you, no need to figure out what you like, no need to wonder if you'll freak out when he tells you his weird fantasy. The same is true for you — being with a familiar warm body is appealing — but it won't help you get over him and it won't help you make a new dating life for yourself.
Unless he's a master pickup artist, it's not that easy to find someone to have sex with so if he's looking for a quick lay and you're available, he might take it. Protect yourself. Don't go out for drinks with him, don't let him stop by to drop off that sweater you left at his house and don't answer his 2:00 a.m. call.
" Just one last time, then I'll be over you." Ever heard that excuse? It won't work. Sex will only bring you closer ; it's rare that sex will make you realize that you weren't meant for each other or will give you the feeling that "it's over." Because it's not actually over if you're having sex. Because... well, you're having sex. It's not over. And your breakup will never feel final if you're still together.
Sex conjures all sorts of powerful feelings , and it's impossible to be immune to them. Even hugging, let alone naked full body groping, produces the bonding hormone oxytocin , which can make you feel loving and cuddly toward someone you don’t want in your life anymore. And that's his plan. The only way to make sure you're not fooled by your body is to stay away from ex sex.
5. He wants a friend with benefits.
Ah, the old friends-with-benefits conundrum . Here's the truth: You can't have a casual sexual relationship with your ex and sex is the least casual of all relationships . There are very few benefits a lot more drawbacks: It'll hold you back from entering a new relationship; it might even prevent you from dating people because you'll still feel like you have a boyfriend — just not the one you want.
Aww, that's sweet. But not a good reason to have sex. Missing someone is normal — it's part of the grieving and recovery process — and if you have sex, both of you will have to start that process all over again.
The content produced by YourTango is for informational and educational purposes only. Our website services, content and products are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please consult your doctor before taking any action. See additional information
© 2022 by Tango Publishing Corporation All Rights Reserved.
Why You Should Have Sex With Your Ex One Last Time — Then END IT
By Sheila Robinson-Kiss — Written on Jul 29, 2016
Great sex alone can't sustain a loving relationship , but it sure as hell can keep you circling back to a toxic relationship time and again.
Intermittent fantasies about how wonderful he is, after a passionate night accidentally shared out of the blue, waking up next to her and remembering how much you love and miss the smell of her hair... "God! There's not a woman on the planet I can love like this."
The problem is there's not a woman on the planet you can loathe like this either.
Sex highjacks our mind for good reasons. The more a woman engages in sex with her partner, the more oxytocin is released . It's the chemical that strengthens and deepens emotional bonds. The more a man revisits sex with an ex, the more territorial and entrenched his attraction and desire becomes.
You're temporarily hooked and all is well for a moment, until his inevitable flash temper rears its ugly head and her familiar bitchy attitude makes an appearance. You find yourself asking the question, how on earth could I have crawled in bed with this lizard yet again?
There is a remedy — I call it the Atlantis solution. Atlantis was once thought to be a lush beautiful city that tragically sank into the ocean after a devastating tsunami tore through its borders. Much like the lavish fantasies we create that keep us bound and tethered to our exes, we can expect to perpetually find ourselves feeling as though we're sinking to the bottom of the sea, too.
How can we combat the desire to reconnect with her sexually and avoid the feelings of guilt and regret that are sure to follow the deed?
I've been prescribing the Atlantis solution to clients for the last decade. What is it? It's one last blissful trip into the bedroom . But you will approach this last trip with the reverence, thought, and care it deserves.
It's this special trip that will prevent you wasting precious time reminiscing over the past and day-dreaming about what once was. In all actuality, what once was, was nothing more than sorrow and dysfunction sprinkled with great sex every now and again.
When you make your return to Atlantis, you are invited to plan it with great care, as you won't be returning ever again. Pack your bags with all manner of jellies, creams, rubs, toys, delights, sweets, treats, accompanied by silk and satin sheets. The Atlantis solution is exactly what you think of it as: a final sexual conquest. An adventure that marks the closing of a tattered worn-out door and the opening of fresh possibilities.
By scheduling a final night or weekend of amazing sex with your ex, you will free yourself to get it out of your system once and for all. Clients have told me that on some level they felt as though they were planning an opulent funeral. That's the idea: you're planning your closure .
If your ex is game, you can go all out and even book a room at the Hilton or another posh resort. Believe it or not, all the planning and build up to the evening or weekend serves as a deterrent to fall back in the same pattern.
A believer in the Atlantis solution said, "There was just something so final about deciding to do this from beginning to end. When I got in my car and drove away, I felt it was really over. I literally didn't want to go there anymore."
I'm often asked, Won't spending an evening or weekend of sexual bliss back fire and make a couple want to reconnect even more? I've found that a 24 to 48 hours time frame is more than enough to remind an ex couple why it's best to go their own separate ways.
Sex accounts for less than five to ten percent of the actual time a couple will spend together, even during a long weekend. The rest will be spent communicating, and an inability to communicate is primarily what breaks relationships apart .
The Atlantis solution is about closing old doors, not opening them. The guilt, regret, and constant emotional boomerang cycle that sex with your ex will most undoubtedly inflict is not worth it.
So sex with your ex one last time and then end it for good.
The content produced by YourTango is for informational and educational purposes only. Our website services, content and products are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please consult your doctor before taking any action. See additional information
© 2022 by Tango Publishing Corporation All Rights Reserved.
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