Have More Sex

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Have More Sex
Published October 26, 2015 5:57pm EDT

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OK guys, stop all your whining and complaining for a second and listen up: If you want more sex from your wives, you have to grow up and recognize that people change, relationships change, and your sex life doesn’t stay the same.
As a sexologist, relationship expert, and contributor to Good in Bed , the one question I’m constantly asked is: "How can I get my wife to have more sex with me?" Well, I also happen to be a wife and mother of two little ones, so I’m going to give it to you straight. Here’s my advice for not screwing it up and actually getting some tonight:
1. Snuggle, Don’t Grope. You’re in the mood, so you reach out and grab us—our breasts, butt, or genitals, that is. Guys, believe me when I tell you that this is the biggest sin you can commit when trying to seduce a woman. It will not send us into an orgasmic swoon. (And, hey, if it does, you don’t need my advice, right?). Neither will groping us in the kitchen while we’re unloading the dishwasher.
These inept moves don’t get us all hot and bothered — they just upset us. Try hugging or kissing. Hold and squeeze our hand. Unload the dishwasher yourself. Women want to feel connected to our partners—in ways that don’t always involve sex.
As guys, you see something sexy and suddenly you’re in the mood for sex, ready to go. You pick up the mail, there’s a Victoria Secret catalog in the box, and next thing we know you’re sniffing in our direction like a dog expecting a treat. But women don’t work like that. We may see something that’s sexy, and that something may even be you, but we don’t suddenly want to have sex. That’s where men and women differ: You have to actually put us in the mood. You have to make us feel sexy and make us want to be sexual.
Here’s a tip: Did you know that studies show that if you hug for partner for 30 seconds it raises her oxytocin levels? Oxytocin is a hormone that makes us feel loving and connected and helps put us in the mood. So start with a hug.
2. Don’t Treat Us Like Porn Stars. Just because you can pay to watch a chick with fake boobs and a fake tan fawn all over some hairy, grunting guy doesn’t mean you can treat us like some 30-second money shot. Women crave seduction. We crave pleasure. We want sex to be, well, sexy, not like some third-rate porn production. I’m not saying you won’t get those little surprise treats now and then—but you’ve got to work for them. Luckily, the brain is our biggest sex organ, and most women have fantasy lives that leave your porn sites in the dust. You know one of the reasons why women aren’t more into porn? Because almost all of it is created by men and for men, who don’t have a clue about what really turns a woman on. Wanna know what does turn us on? Ask us, engage us. Which brings me to…
2. Do Unto Others. Want hot sex? You have to provide us with the kind of sex we want to have. Simply put, you’ve got to give as good as you get. Do I need to spell it out for you? If you want us to use our mouths, you have to use yours, too! And if you do it first? All the better. Most women orgasm best from clitoral stimulation.
4. Give Us Space. It seems counterintuitive, but letting your partner have some time to herself can help her recharge. Offer to watch the kids for a few hours so she can meet a friend for coffee, take a book to the beach, or relax in a bubble bath. This "time off" lets her wind down so that later she’ll be ready to heat up. And by the way, watching your kids isn’t "babysitting". They’re your children—play with them like you mean it. Be a dad, not a bachelor. Remember, a lot of us find nothing sexier than a dad who’s into his kids.
5. Talk—and Listen. I know, I know: Many of you would probably rather clean that toilet than be forced to "communicate." But I’m not asking for an hours-long heart-to-heart here. Spending 20 minutes connecting with your partner and listening to her talk can help her feel appreciated. Avoid stressful topics like your kids, work, and home and stick to larger issues like current events and the world around you. Respond with full sentences, not grunts. If you can remember and repeat something she said 12 hours later, she’ll be impressed—and you’ll be one step closer to sex.
Want more tips? I’ll be answering your questions all week at Good in Bed .
Logan Levkoff, Ph.D. is a sexologist and sexuality educator based in Manhattan. Logan frequently appears on television and contributes to many publications. She is also the author of "Third Base Ain't What It Used to Be." For more information visit www.loganlevkoff.com or follow her on Twitter : @LoganLevkoff .
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Medically Reviewed by Laura J. Martin, MD on October 14, 2011
Study Flouts Conventional Wisdom About Low Libido in Older Women
Oct. 14, 2011 -- Many women continue to be sexually active after menopause and most say they are satisfied with their sex lives, particularly if they are married or have a regular partner, a large new study shows.
Among women who reported being dissatisfied with their sex lives, however, 57% said they wanted to have more sex, while only 8% said they would have preferred to have less.
The study is a new analysis of health information collected on more than 27,000 women ages 50 to 79 who took part in the government-funded Women’s Health Initiative study.
As researchers expected, sexual activity declined with age. The main reasons women said they stopped having sex were the loss of an able partner, poor health, and poor quality of life.
The finding that many older women would prefer to have more sex was something of a surprise. Previously, doctors had believed that women stopped having sex as they got older because their sex drives fizzled.
“This is the first study that indicates that [older] women would actually like to have more sex,” says Gisele Wolf-Klein, MD, director of geriatric education at the North Shore-LIJ Health System in New Hyde Park, N.Y.
“We know sexual activity decreases with age, and we do attribute that to lack of a partner, but we thought that women were kind of happy with this. That it didn’t represent a major problem. Well, that does not seem to be the case,” says Wolf-Klein, who was not involved in the research.
“These people are looking and interested in resuming sexual activity,” she tells WebMD.
For the study, which is published in the journal Menopause , researchers looked at information collected on 27,357 women who were followed for about five to seven years.
The primary goal of that trial was to measure the benefits and risks of hormone replacement therapy (HRT) in postmenopausal women.
To that end, researchers asked women who signed up for the study questions about their sexual health and functioning.
Nearly half of the women in the study reported having sexual activity within the past year at the start of the study. That number was higher, however, nearly 70%, among women who were married or who had a steady partner.
Increasing age, lower income, lack of a sexual partner, a higher BMI, and health problems like heart attacks , depression, and arthritis made it less likely that a woman would say she had sex within the last year.
Women who were on HRT at the beginning of the study reported higher levels of sexual activity than those who were not.
But in a finding that was puzzling to researchers, women who were assigned to take hormones as part of the study weren’t significantly more likely than those taking placebo pills to continue to have sex over time.
"I was very surprised that we didn’t see greater effect of hormone therapy in these women," says study researcher Margery Gass, MD, executive director of the North American Menopause Society in Mayfield Heights, Ohio.
Gass explains that since the findings of the Women’s Health Initiative were announced, namely that combined estrogen and progestin therapy increased a woman’s risk of heart attacks , strokes, and breast cancer , prescriptions for hormone pills and patches have declined.
But prescriptions for vaginal estrogen treatments, like creams and tablets, have increased as women look for ways to relieve vaginal dryness and loss of vaginal tissue and muscle tone, called vaginal atrophy.
"As gynecologists, we see the women who are having problems, and we are totally convinced that hormones do help women a great deal if they are experiencing dryness and discomfort with intercourse," Gass tells WebMD.
She says she thinks the finding that hormones didn’t appear to have any influence in sexual function may be due to the fact that the study wasn’t really designed to test hormones for that reason. And she says because most of the women in the study were married, they may have had long-established patterns of sexual activity and continued to stick to the habits despite having some discomfort.
Indeed, physical symptoms that could make sex uncomfortable didn’t appear to slow women down. Women who reported having moderate to severe vaginal dryness were more like to report being sexually active.
Overall, 70% of women had vaginal atrophy in the study were more likely to report being sexually inactive. But Gass says it is tough to tell which problem came first.
In this case, the "use it or lose it" principle may be the key to maintaining good sexual function.
"In that regard, it’s just like every other part of our body,” she says. “If we want to stay in shape, playing tennis, golf, running, whatever we like to do, it’s vital that we keep doing it, and this is perfectly true for intercourse as well,” Gass says. “If you want to be able to be comfortable and enjoy intercourse, the best thing you can do is to maintain that activity and be consistent and regular with it."
Gass, M. Menopause , published online Oct. 12, 2011.
Gisele Wolf-Klein, MD, director of geriatric education, North Shore-LIJ Health System, New Hyde Park, N.Y.
Margery Gass, MD, executive director, North American Menopause Society, Mayfield Heights, Ohio.
Here's how to avoid the most common mistakes.
What do you know about locking lips?
© 2005 - 2022 WebMD LLC. All rights reserved.
WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.


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Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.

Everyone knows that, along with eating chocolate and drinking wine, having sex is one of the best things you can do for your health…
In all seriousness, all three of these things can have enormous benefits for both physical and psychological health. But sex in particular can benefit your physical and mental health. If you need an incentive to have sex, here are seven:
Stress is the result of many interacting psychological factors and can affect different people in different ways, potentially spurring health problems from mild headaches, sleeping difficulty, and muscle tension to more severe issues such as depression and malfunction of your immune system.
There is evidence to suggest that being close to your partner (physically and emotionally) can soothe stress and relieve anxiety . Physical intimacy can trigger the release of chemicals in the brain including dopamine (which plays a major role in reward-motivated behavior, focuses attention , and generally increases motivation ); endorphins (natural pain and stress fighters); and oxytocin (known as “the cuddle hormone" which can trigger feelings of compassion).
It isn’t really surprising that sex is a natural anti-depressant . Further, after an orgasm the body releases the hormone prolactin, which often leads to drowsiness and a general feeling of relaxation. This is why comfort, ultimately resulting in sleep, is a common post-orgasm response.
One study actually found that having sex every day for two weeks led to cell growth in the hippocampus (which plays a role in regulating stress levels). Another study found that having sex at least once a day for a period of two weeks lowered stress-related blood pressure.
There’s an old saying: "Sex is like food; it’s only a big deal when you’re not getting enough of it.” There's some truth to the adage. When it comes to sex, it's not really a matter of "the more the better," at least after a certain point, but that there are downsides to a complete fast. Lack of sex can lead to feelings of angst, self-doubt, and inadequacy, and there is strong evidence that feelings of self-worth and identity are strongly associated with sex.
In today’s culture, there is a lot of social pressure to be sexually active, while having a minimal or non-existent sex life is socially stigmatized. Looked at from this perspective, having sex by itself can somewhat unburden someone from strong social pressure and enhance self-esteem. And sex therapists and marriage counselors agree that couples that engage in regular sex (with each other) have far greater self-esteem than those who don’t.
Relationships aren’t always easy. No one is entirely immune from the pressures of work, and life in general, and so sometimes, for whatever reason, couples just don’t have time for sex. This can be the beginning of a vicious cycle: You or your partner don’t feel like having sex, and then (consciously or not) you may start to resent your partner for it. And then you gradually grow further apart, until you may not even want to have sex with your partner.
As obvious as it might sound, it's worth reminding yourself that regular sex with your partner makes a big difference to how you get along. Being intimate on a frequent basis allows you to emotionally connect on a much deeper level (especially as positive hormones are released in the act of sex). And partners who feel emotionally close to each other are far more likely to have regular sex (and a healthy relationship) than those who feel distant or estranged from each other.
All of us have fundamental psychological needs we need to fulfill to remain mentally healthy. The act of having sex isn’t (strictly) a fundamental human need, but it is an important piece of one. Abraham Maslow suggested that, in addition to vital physiological needs such as water, food, and sleep, there are basically four categories of fundamental psychological needs—safety, love/connection, esteem and autonomy.
Of course we need to meet our physiological needs to survive, but to be happy, stable people, we also need to fulfill each category of psychological need. If too many of those needs go unmet for too long, we will suffer; there is evidence that people develop neuroses, addictions, and even delusions when their needs are not met. Studies suggest that social isolation is even more harmful than either smoking or alcoholism .
Sex changes your brain chemistry in a variety of ways, and one of them is increasing your brainpower. There is some evidence that sex actually increases your cognitive capacity: A study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that even just thinking about a sexual encounter that you have had can enhance analytic skills. Another study, on rats, indicated that sexually-active rodents had more neurons in their hippocampus (the brain region responsible for the storage of memories) than virgin rats—and the rats lost Improvements in brainpower after sexual activity stopped.
Research on the female orgasm using fMRI technology has indicated that sexual climax activates as many as 30 areas of the brain. Blood flows in, carrying a surge of nutrients and oxygen to brain cells. By contrast, popular brain stimulation activities such as Sudoku, crosswords, and memory games each engage only a handful at best.
6. Sex makes you look and feel younger.
We spend billions of dollars every year on chemicals and procedures in the pursuit of youth. But a recent British study has found that having regular sex can make both men and women look between five and 10 years younger than they actually are. Intercourse causes the release of human growth hormone, which sets off a range of biological reactions with the ultimately effect of making the skin appear more elastic and smooth. Sex also triggers the release of estrogen , which improves the quality of hair and skin. The lead researcher of this study previously demonstrated that while mental and physical activity is the most important factor for retaining one’s youth, regular sex was a close second.
Looking younger brings us a suite of benefits such as increased confidence , happiness , and enthusiasm. When we look younger, we tend to feel younger. And having more sex has also been linked with living longer in general.
We know of the physical and psychological benefits of exercise, and sex can be quite physically demanding—in an average session, men burn around 100 calories, and women about 70. In a half-hour of sex, as many as 200 calories can melt away, though the average duration of activity tends to be quite a bit shorter.
Also, exercise is known to make you feel great: It makes you physically healthier, and can improve mood; reduce stress and help you cope with it better; increase feelings of self-satisfaction; boost your energy levels, and more.
Ryan Anderson, Ph.D., is a psychologist currently working as a Teaching Associate at Monash University.

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Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.


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