Has Great Sex
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Has Great Sex
Medically Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD on December 07, 2009
So How’s Your Sex Life? Here Are 6 Tips for Making It Great
If you’re like a lot of men, chances are it wasn’t. At least, the sex wasn’t as good as you think it could have been.
You were addled with anxiety, plagued by concerns over your performance, and worried about the worthiness of your physique during lovemaking. Even if the act achieved the idealized heights of a Hollywood screenplay -- your partner melted at your touch, you thundered like a stallion, you writhed in unison to volcanic climax -- you still harbor suspicions: You’re pretty much certain you’re not getting it as often as everyone else.
For creatures so famously consumed by thoughts of sex, men remain remarkably confused about what great sex is and how to have it. We’re shadowed by self-doubt, and clouded by myths and misperceptions. It’s not just about our mind-set. We men could also work on our mechanics. Mentally and physically, we’re hampered, hindered. We’re impeded on our path to greater sexual pleasure.
To rephrase a famous question: Can’t we all just have great sex?
Of course we can. But first we should decide what great sex is.
“Great sex is in the eye of the beholder, or the be-hander,” says Patti Britton, a clinical sexologist and author of The Art of Sex Coaching . “For some men, it might be the ability to produce fantabulous multiple orgasms in their partner. For other men, it might mean being able to last three minutes. Being a great lover means becoming a great lover to your particular partner, and that requires doing something very difficult: opening your mouth.”
Great Sex Tip 1: Take Up Pillow Talk
Right. The mouth . Useful for kissing and other orally administered forms of arousal (none of which should be underestimated), it’s also a tool for communication. Try it. Tell them what you want. Ask them what they like. Shoot for trust and openness.
“If you get to know yourself and your partner, you’ll have a much more erotic and explosive sexual relationship,” says Joy Davidson, a New York-based psychologist and sexologist, and the author of Fearless Sex .
Great Sex Tip 2: Don’t Believe Locker Room Talk
When men do talk, they often puff themselves up to their peers. Less apt than women to discuss their insecurities and more inclined to exaggerate their exploits, men paint distorted pictures of their sex lives for one another.
“A lot of men wind up thinking that their sex life is missing something, that other men are having wilder sex or more frequent sex,” Davidson says. “They have a sense that the pleasure ship has sailed and left them behind.”
According to Michael Castleman, a San Francisco-based sex expert and author of Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex , the average frequency of sex in committed long-term relationships is roughly once every 10 days.
Great Sex Tip 3: Don’t Compare Your Sex Life With Porn
Not everything men know about sex they learned from pornography. But a lot of it they did. And that can be a problem. Populated as it is by flawlessly formed women and men with etched abs and equine endowments, adult entertainment makes many guys wonder: What am I doing wrong? Or, more to the point: What’s wrong with me?
“One of the most destructive myths of porn is that it convinces so many guys that they’re too small,” Castleman says. “They forget that pornography is self-selecting...These are not average men. They’re the extreme end of the scale.”
Some of the other fictions that porn perpetuates are the idea that women are always primed and ready (“in the real world,” Davidson says, “people do say ‘no’”); that the same moves work on every partner; that satisfying sex always culminates in orgasm.
There are positives to porn -- it can, for example, inspire us to greater sexual exploration. But when Debbie Did Dallas, she also did damage to the way men often think about sex.
“I’m not going to stand in the way of your watching porn, as long as you’re aware that it’s not reality,” Castleman says. “It’s like watching a car chase in an action movie. It’s exciting. It’s entertaining. But everyone knows it’s not the way to drive.”
Great Sex Tip 4: Focus on Pleasurable Sensations
While we’re on driving, let’s talk about commutes. And cubicles. And computers. And the demands and distractions of our daily lives.
Stress is an enemy of great sex. So is anxiety about performance. Minimizing both helps maximize your enjoyment of your partner. “If we can quiet our monkey-minds, put a stop to that ceaseless inner-chatter, we can open ourselves up to better sex,” Britton says.
She recommends that men adopt a mantra: FOPS, or Focus on Pleasurable Sensations.
“There are techniques ranging from eye -gazing to massage and synchronized breathing that help keep you in the moment,” Britton says. “Great sex happens in the present. It doesn’t happen in the future, like worrying about how quickly you’re going to come.”
Great Sex Tip 5: Focus Less on Size and More on Other Matters
“I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t matter,” Davidson says. “There are plenty of women for whom it absolutely does. But I prefer to focus on the idea of the right fit.”
No two people are built the same, and it helps to have compatible body parts. For some women, men of modest size may be a perfect fit. It’s a matter of physiology and personal preference. But perfect-fitting penetration isn’t the only path to satisfying sex. Focus on foreplay. Concentrate on kissing, cooing, caressing -- the full panoply of sexual pleasure giving.
“A lot of women are very responsive to a man’s voice during lovemaking,” Davidson says. “If a man has verbal facility and can entice a woman through his voice, that can become a powerful part of his repertoire.
Great Sex Tip 6: Schedule Sex. Really.
What sounds rote and dreary can actually be dreamy, says Michael Castleman, who recommends the strategy especially to couples in long-term relationships , who’ve passed the can’t-keep-their-hands-off-each-other phase.
“There’s this powerful mythology that says you should fall into each other’s arms spontaneously, with string music playing and the sun setting in the West, and if that doesn’t happen there’s something wrong with you,” Castleman says. “Nonsense. Real life doesn’t work that way.”
Rather than heightening the pressure to perform (“It’s now, or never!”), scheduling can actually make sex more relaxing. You can develop sensual rituals, make romantic gestures in anticipation of your encounter. You can give each other massages or take a shower together.
Castleman says that scheduling sex also eliminates conflict over desire differences. “People say, ‘What if I’m not in the mood?’ Well, one of the things about relationships is that you sometimes make compromises. But what astonishes people once they start scheduling sex is that they can actually enjoy it.”
SOURCES: Patti Britton, clinical sexologist; author, The Art of Sex
Coaching: Expanding Your Practice. Michael Castleman, author of Great
Sex, A Man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex . Joy
Davidson, psychologist and sexologist; author of Fearless Sex, A Babe’s
Guide to Overcoming your Romantic Obsessions and Getting the Sex Life you
Deserve .
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When it comes to knowing what makes your partner tick in the bedroom, Googling " mind-blowing sex positions (opens in new tab) " only get you so far. Stimulating and gratifying sex is all in the timing, the communication, and the spontaneity, according to Dr. Bea Jaffrey—a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist based in Switzerland—and Mary Jo Rapini, a Houston-based psychiatrist and sex therapist. But what does that mean you should do , exactly? Fortunately, Rapini shared tips with Marie Claire about what actually works in the bedroom (lots of her tips are backed up by research, to boot!), and Jaffrey gave us some pointers from her book on overcoming common sex issues ( 159 Mistakes Couples Make in the Bedroom (opens in new tab) ).
Research suggests that better communication is key to better sex (opens in new tab) —and no, we don't necessarily mean dirty talk. Communicating what you like and don't like can be instructional and informative, no matter how much you think you already know each other's bodies. If they're doing something you like, say so rather than relying on (opens in new tab) ambiguous gestures or noises. And if it's something you're not into, communicate that or guide them in a new direction. Want to try a different angle? Suggest one. If simultaneous orgasm is your goal and you're close to climaxing, don't be mum about it.
In a 2016 study published in the Journal of Sex Research (opens in new tab) , researchers analyzed answers from 39,000 heterosexual couples that were married or cohabiting for over three years. Sexual satisfaction reported to be higher among the couples who revealed that they gave each other positive affirmation during sex and were open enough about embarrassing moments (opens in new tab) during sex to joke about them and move on. Dr. Jaffrey notes that this lighthearted approach to sex is key, saying, "Don't take life too seriously. Happy couples laugh together."
Even great sex can start to feel monotonous over time if it's more or less the same old routine. To mix things up, Marie Claire's guy expert Lodro Rinzler suggests: "If you're in bed with someone and have a sense of something new you or your partner might enjoy, be it some teasing, a change in position, anything…go for it."
Dr. Jaffrey also recommends switching up the time and place to avoid falling into a rut of once-a-week "duty sex." "Try new places to have sex, maybe on the sofa, in the car or on the kitchen countertops? Or how about the back row of a movie theater? Be careful though, because sex is illegal in public places. Try role-playing...take a bath together. Be inventive, have fun."
Long-term desire is built on a foundation of novelty. Otherwise erotic energy will naturally dissipate for most couples. Trying new things is the key to keeping the fire going.
Jaffrey notes that setting the mood for sex is vital, for women especially, and that foreplay should start long before sex even begins: "I am talking here about the mental foreplay that happens days in advance, not the one that you have just before sex. Make sure to be attentive to your partner. Small gestures and nice comments are significant to setting the right mood for sex." She also suggests keeping up communication during the day through texts or emails.
Having good sex requires knowing what you like in bed. The only way to fully understand your pleasure potential is to masturbate and explore your body. Masturbation is a healthy form of self-exploration and should be encouraged for all people, even those in relationships. Studies show (opens in new tab) that masturbation doesn't make you want sex less, it actually has the opposite effect.
Try to spend at least two days a week enjoying your own body. This will improve your sex life, because your partner is not a mind reader. When you know exactly how you like to be touched, you can better communicate your desires to your partner.
Before you put anything inside a vagina, it's important that you're fully, properly aroused. When you're aroused, the vagina expands and gets wet while the genital tissue becomes engorged with blood. This helps intercourse and penetration feel good rather than painful or uncomfortable. Be sure you're giving adequate time and attention to the clitoris. If possible, have an orgasm before penetration. Women and female-bodied people have orgasms most reliably through oral sex or with a sex toy. Make your pleasure a priority.
The power of sexy banter (opens in new tab) in the bedroom gets underplayed, but it can be a serious mood-enhancer when you're trying to liven things up together. Going about that, however, isn't the easiest for people who aren't used to actually vocalizing 50 Shades -esque fantasies (opens in new tab) . "What my [clients] benefit the most from is when they go to a bookstore or they go online and they find an erotic book," says Rapini.
She suggests that couples read from erotic books together, especially if they want to work on developing a "dirty talk" vocabulary that gives them the language cues without feeling self-conscious. Reading off scripts, she says, never works as well as if couples find a book they really like together and can build off of that jargon.
One way that Rapini counsels long-term couples on how to explore the unknown to enhance their sexual experience is to try shopping for products and toys together. That could mean anything from couples' vibrators (she recommends the remote-controlled Fiera (opens in new tab) ) to massage oils to body paint to blindfolds, though Rapini says another way to set the scene is to try adding music as sexy background noise (opens in new tab) . "Make massage part of your routine and start touching each other. Many couples will start feeling their libido rise after they do that," she says.
There is no "right amount" of sex you should be having. This is a myth. As long as both people are satisfied, you're doing great. There isn't one golden rule, but a recent study (opens in new tab) suggested that more sex doesn't mean better sex and that the happiest couples have sex only once a week.
So if you're anxious about you and your partner not screwing like rabbits, there's proof that the more energy you put into making regular weekly sex *better* will pay off in the long run. Focus on how much pleasure you and your partner are experiencing during any one session, not how often you're physically hopping in bed.
It's often underestimated how important empathy is when it comes to sex. Empathy is the care and understanding of a another person's feelings, and this is incredibly important in sex because when you feel that your partner actually cares about your pleasure, you're going to be more into having sex with them. We often come to sex with too much ego, and that's a real shame. We should be understanding and loving towards one another. Sex can be confusing, awkward, weird, and very hot. Make room for your many, many feelings in order to co-create an amazing erotic experience.
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More stories to check out before you go
Being memorable in the sack comes down to a number of factors, but people who make great lovers generally tick these boxes.
Use these tricks to see if you’re giving your best performance in the bedroom, or where there might be room for improvement.
1. You feel connected to your partner
Research by sexologists seeking to answer the question, “What makes good sex?” has shown the answer lies not in any particular technique but in two people feeling a sense of connection together. Good sex is not just a physical experience but rather one that emphasises the core quality of it being a shared, meaningful experience. So to be good in bed, the very first step is to understand that dimension of connecting with your partner beyond the physical level. Couples who study Tantric sex, karezza and other systems of mind-body-spirit sexual connection devote themselves to connecting beyond the physical. Many people are trying it out and seeing the benefits in their relationship blossom.
For more stories like this, go to bodyandsoul.com.au
Other fundamental qualities that make you a great lover include being confident about yourself, having a positive body image, and feeling sexy. If you feel greater about your sexy self it not only enhances your physical libido, but it allows you to get lost in the sexual experience, become intensely immersed in it, and be swept away in the pleasure. This is a great lover, the one who isn’t self conscious and detached from the experience.
3. You’re open to change in the bedroom
A good lover uses their most important erotic organ which isn’t the one between the legs, but the one between your ears. Using your brain for creativity, imagination and keeping an open mind for trying new things also will make you a good lover your whole life. Your body will change, your partners may change, your sexual response and health will change. So if you remain open to change in your sexual expression you’ll be guaranteed to be a creative, dynamic lover.
Listening is a vital quality of being a good lover, as is being attentive, generous or at least unselfish. Sex is a shared experience, so paying attention to your partners needs, including as their desires change too is more important than anything other thing that you do between the sheets. Without good communication you can’t possibly be a great lover.
Like with most things in life, it you pay attention to detail, and take your time, the result will be far superior than if you rush around blindly. While you wouldn’t think it, being thorough is a definitely quality of a master class lover. See things through from start to finish, if you catch my drift.
6. You welcome the opportunity to have sex
A good balance between spontaneity and just doing it is important! Don’t forget the plain mathematics of good sex: saying yes more than no. Being approachable by your partner, initiating nookie yourself, and being eager more often than refusing is a pretty simple but often overlooked quality of being great sexually.
Sex is our adult recreation – not just procreation. This is your adult playtime to feel good with each other and enjoy every bit of one another. It doesn’t have to be serious or harried (sometimes that’s okay too). If you want to be good in bed, be playful – show your enjoyment!
This article originally appeared on Body and Soul and has been republished with permission
Nadia Bokody reveals the uncomfortable question that people should ask before jumping into bed with somebody, in order to prioritise everyone’s pleasure.
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