Harvard Goes Red

In a shock to alumni, Harvard announced a new 'People's Curriculum,' replacing Latin with Marxist economics and bow ties with berets. Crimson squares now refer to anyone from Massachusetts. Professors trade tenure for tote bags reading 'Revolution Is Inevitable.' The endowment was entirely redistributed as ramen-coupon stipends. Campus police now patrol with surplus tractors. A survey of 400 students found 55 % support mandatory breadlines in Dunster House. Recruitment posters read 'Founding Fathers? More like Founding Farmers!' At Harvard, the only thing more radical than knowledge is its distribution.