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The “true” self may or may not exist, but our ideals and projections about it sure do.
Posted August 15, 2017 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Source: bridges&balloons, Flickr/CreativeCommons
Adolescents are famous for giving their parents grief, so you know you’re not alone in finding it hard to parent a teenager. It’s actually a healthy part of growing up to challenge one’s parents—so at least some of the trouble your teen is causing you is necessary to their growing into a competent adult who can solve their own problems.
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But if your teen is openly insolent, refuses to do household chores, and is frequently defiant and surly with you, you might need help. Sometimes, it’s a matter of fine-tuning your own attitude, and sometimes, it takes a lot of time and trouble, but always, it’s worth doing everything you can to solve the problem of a problem teen.
Here are eleven ways to rein your teen challenges back into the healthy range:
1. Expect power issues and conflict; argue as needed. Also, be warm and loving.
A hot debate is a great way for your teenager to discover what you care about, and why it’s worth caring about. According to the research on optimal human development, you’re doing your parenting job well if you and your teenager are arguing a lot, as long as there’s also love and warmth in your home.
2. Stay calm. Stay cool. Own the parenting space.
Difficult kids appear to take pleasure from pushing your buttons and making you crazy. But on a deeper level, they may be crying out for your help or your attention. They need you to stay strong and calm. Just like a toddler who challenges the rules, teens feel safest when they know they can trust their parents to be solid, no matter what grief they give them.
So, do whatever you need to do to stay grounded and calm. Learn how to use breathing techniques, count to ten, practice mindfulness, take a walk in nature, give yourself a time-out. Do what works to keep yourself sane and reasonable when interacting with your teen. If none of your usual methods work—that is, if your teen has totally pushed your buttons and you feel like exploding—do your best to defer saying anything until you’ve calmed down.
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3. Stay connected. Establish dependable together-time, every day and every week.
Make sure you have a time each day where your total focus is on your teen, a few minutes when you can listen and hear anything they might want to talk about.
Make a regular date once a week to do something together. It can be going out for ice cream, taking a walk in the neighbourhood, or taking an exercise class together. They might groan, complain, and try to get out of it, but you should proceed regardless, and try to think of it and act as if it is a highlight of your week.
Your kid almost certainly won’t let you know this—at least, not until they’re all grown up—but your together-time might be a lifesaver.
4. Smile. Attune to your sense of humour and your empathy.
Being a teenager can feel impossible, as the teen experiences all the changes and conflicts involved in growing up and becoming oneself. With a little effort, you can almost always find humour instead of aggravation, and share that with your child. Let them feel they have someone on their side who doesn’t take it all too seriously, but at the same time, sees how hard it is and loves them all the same. Obviously, don’t laugh at your child—ever—but rather at the absurdity of the situations you find yourselves in.
When your teenager is making you crazy, try completing this sentence in your own mind: “It must be hard…” For example, “My daughter is so difficult. It must be hard to crave independence while living with your parents.” Or, “My son is so angry when I talk about academics. It must be hard trying to be an adult and finding your schoolwork challenging.”
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Go lightly on yourself, too, observing yourself with humour and empathy, even as you over-react to your teen’s over-reactions.
5. Be positive. Don’t judge. Don’t micro-manage.
One of the reasons it’s hard to be a teenager is the pervasive sense of being judged. Children are blissfully unaware of the perceptions of others, but teens are painfully, brutally aware, and believe that everyone is looking at them with critical mocking eyes.
So, intervene only when truly necessary. Avoid nagging and criticism. Trust your teen to figure out the small stuff, even if it means they’re suffering consequences you could have warned them about.
No matter the provocation, make sure your teen feels your positive gaze. That can make the difference between them losing their way in harmful directions, and finding and living their strength.
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This process of articulating house rules can take several meetings, and involve many drafts. The rules themselves should be flexible, changing over time and with changing circumstances. Try to make the rule-making process as easy and stress-free as possible. Keep your focus on simplicity. The fewer the rules, the easier they will be to remember and enforce.
Note: You can count on your teen to challenge the house rules until they know they can trust you to keep them safe.
7. Listen. Support your teen in solving their own problems.
When your teenager seems troubled, let them know you’re happy to listen or to do some problem-solving, if they want that. Let them come to you if and when they’re ready. Don’t push it, but your being available when they ask for that can make the difference between a good decision and a dangerous one.
When your teen does want to talk, be fully present (no distractions, no devices), and be fully positive (no criticism, no judgement). Offer no solutions, just patient attention and acceptance. If your child asks what you think they should do, do your best not to give an answer. (That’s hard. You will think you KNOW the answer.) Instead, try to ask the questions that lead them to identify the best possible solutions. Any solution they feel they’ve invented will be worth a hundred solutions you’ve given them.
8. Encourage relationships with extended family and community members.
A network of supportive adult relationships can be critically important in an adolescent’s life. Do what you can to encourage your teen to maintain connections with extended family, friends, neighbours, and other community members. Support them in participating in positive community groups of interest, whether artistic, athletic, religious, political, or other.
Other adults can provide alternative perspectives when your teenager is feeling out of tune with you and the rest of their family. Connecting with grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends of the family, and others can help your child see you and themselves through different eyes, as well as providing a safety valve for talking about what’s bothering them.
Many teens feel dramatically misunderstood by their parents, and therefore lonely in their own home. Decisions based on a feeling of loneliness are rarely wise. Feeling connected in a network of social support, on the other hand, can support your young person in finding more confidence and a healing sense of connection.
9. Let your teen suffer the natural consequences of their actions, as much as possible.
It’s better that your teenager learn about natural consequences while they still have a home and at least one caring parent to rely on.
If your teenager drops their dirty clothes on the floor, they won’t have anything clean to wear. (Do not pick up their dirty stuff and wash it.) If your teenager doesn’t do their homework, or doesn’t attend class, they’ll start failing courses. (Do not rescue them from looming deadlines, or drive them to school if they’re late.) If they don’t get enough sleep, or don’t eat nutritious meals, they won’t feel so good. (Do what you can to model and encourage good habits, but don’t nag about it. The time for doing that has long passed.) If they’re bad-tempered and indulge their bad moods at school and elsewhere, other kids won’t want to spend time with them. (And you don’t need to point this out, either.)
With more serious bad decisions (drugs, vandalism, aggression, etc.), it’s time for professional help.
10. Respect cultural and other differences. Know that’s tough for your kid.
Teenagers experience a conflict between the need to be a totally unique individual, and the need to fit in and be "normal." They experience extra pressures on the normal side if they come from a family that looks different than the mainstream. If you’re an immigrant, a single parent, a member of a cultural or religious minority, or you’re in something other than a heterosexual monogamous relationship, your child may feel a conflict between their home values and what they see as their peers’ values.
Kids from minority situations do best when their parents are flexible, and respect their kids’ needs to create their own unique blend of mainstream values, and their own family’s values.
Remind yourself in all the ways you know how that your child once was a wonderful human being, and is doing their sticky imperfect unconscious best to become that again. When my now-wonderful adult daughter was a teenage nightmare, I found a photo of her as a sweet four-year-old. I taped that photo to the fridge. In times of extreme trouble, it helped me stay strong and loving, which is what she needed most of all.
If these ideas don’t work for you, or if you’re dealing with a more seriously troubled teenager (drugs, violence, etc.), it’s time to look for professional help. Take advantage of the small parenting window you still have before your teenager is an adult. Follow these suggestions, but also get the help you need to provide them a more solid foundation for moving into independent adulthood.
Dona Matthews, Ph.D., is a developmental psychologist and the author of four books about children, adolescents and education.
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The “true” self may or may not exist, but our ideals and projections about it sure do.

Teen Parenting Tips (13, 14, 15, 16, 17, and 18-Year-Olds)
Verywell Family's content is for informational and educational purposes only. Our website is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Ⓒ 2021 About, Inc. (Dotdash) — All rights reserved
Amy Morin, LCSW, is the Editor-in-Chief of Verywell Mind. She's also a psychotherapist, international bestselling author and host of the The Verywell Mind Podcast.
Ann-Louise T. Lockhart, PsyD, ABPP, is a board-certified pediatric psychologist, parent coach, author, speaker, and owner of A New Day Pediatric Psychology, PLLC.
The teen years are a time to ensure your child is going to be ready for life after high school. You’ll likely notice your teen can be quite independent in many ways. But, it’s also a time when you’ll notice areas that need some improvement.
When you notice your teen is struggling in certain areas, teach her new life skills. And give her plenty of opportunities to practice being responsible and independent. Focusing on healthy habits now can equip your teen to care for herself in the future.
Even though there will be times when your teen insists he knows everything or that he has all the skills he needs to function in the adult world, there’s a good chance his skills could use some fine-tuning.
Of course, the teen years come with many new opportunities too. Getting a driver's license and getting a part-time job are just a few of the milestones that will give your teen opportunities to practice being responsible.
In the meantime, it’s important to teach your teen how to take care of himself and how to perform everyday activities that will prepare him for the future.
A well-rounded diet based on the USDA guidelines should help your teen get all the essential vitamins and minerals he needs. Adolescents are going to most likely fall short of the daily recommended quotas of calcium, iron, zinc, and vitamin D.1
Unless blood tests and a pediatrician's evaluation reveal a specific deficiency, it's preferable to obtain nutrients from food rather than dietary supplements.
When it comes to caloric intake, moderately active boys require:1
Moderately active girls between 13 and 18 require 2,000 calories per day.1
Teens who are active more than 60 minutes per day may need more calories while teens who are sedentary will need fewer calories to maintain a healthy body mass index.
Teens make many of their own food choices. That may mean they’re likely to grab fast food with their friends. It’s important to educate your teen about making good choices.
Keep the focus on health, instead of weight. Discuss the importance of fueling his body and brain.
Keep the kitchen stocked with healthy fruits and vegetables. Reserve sugary items for an occasional treat.
Be on the lookout for dieting and body image issues, especially in girls. Teen girls are often trying to lose weight and many of them restrict their food intake or begin to eat only certain types of food. Eating disorders often emerge during the teenage years.2
It’s recommended that teens get 60 minutes of physical activity every day. Aerobic exercise should be the main form of activity.3
But muscle-building exercises, like strength training, and bone-building exercises, like jumping, are also important for good health.
If your teen isn’t interested in joining a sports team, don’t force it. Help her find something she really wants to do. Going for a daily walk or a bike ride, kayaking, or swimming could be activities she enjoys more than being on a team sport.
Even if your teen isn't into sports, there are many activities that can get him moving. You can also make physical activity a family activity. Go for an evening walk after dinner or go hiking on the weekends.
Limit your teen's screen time and encourage him to spend time outside. Talk about the importance of keeping his body healthy and make it a priority to be a good role model.
The teen years are a critical time for young people to practice making decisions on their own and to be given more responsibility. The more responsibility they can take on now, the less they'll struggle during their transition to adulthood. 
Responsibilities that are learned as teenagers include:
Make sure your teen knows how to do important household tasks, like laundry and cooking basic meals. You may want to rotate chores sometimes to ensure that they have an opportunity to practice doing the household activities you do to maintain the home.
Give your teen privileges based on their responsibility level. If they're able to show you that they can be trusted with household tasks, you’ll have more confidence that he can handle the responsibility of driving of a car or being out with his friends unsupervised.
While your teen will want to spend the majority of their time with their friends, it’s important to insist on spending some time together as a family. A monthly family fun night or weekly pizza night might be traditions you decide to keep.
Eat meals together as a family whenever you can. This can be an important way to connect with your teen on an everyday basis.
It’s important for your teen to know how to care of his health. Risky behavior can be one of the biggest dangers teens face. So educate your teen about the dangers they face and take away privileges when your teen makes poor choices.
Teens can continue seeing their pediatrician until they are 21. Annual wellness checks are recommended for teenagers.
Sports physicals, acne, respiratory infections, asthma, and skin issues are common reasons teens need to see their pediatrician in between annual visits.
It’s important to give teens an opportunity to speak with the pediatrician privately. They may have questions about sex, sexuality, STDs, alcohol, drugs, or other sensitive issues that they aren’t comfortable speaking about in front of a parent.
The pediatrician should check your child’s body mass index, provide counseling on physical activity and nutrition, and provide education on sexually transmitted infections.
Sexually active teens may be routinely tested for sexually transmitted diseases, including chlamydia and gonorrhea, even if they don’t have any symptoms.
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommends girls have their first gynecologic visit between the ages of 13 and 15.4
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends teens have their second dose of the Meningococcal vaccine at age 16.5
The pediatrician should also screen for mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety. It’s important to bring up any concerns you may have about your teen’s mood or behavior.
The AAP recommends teens receive between 8 and 10 hours of sleep each night.6 Early school start times can make it difficult for teens to get the recommended amount of sleep.
Their biological clocks cause them to stay up later and sleep in longer. This makes waking early very difficult.
There are several things you can do to help your teen get enough sleep:
The biggest safety issue teens face is their risky choices. They’re likely to be impulsive at times, and sadly, it only takes one bad decision to get into a serious accident.
Motor vehicle accidents are the leading cause of death for teens in the U.S. Teens age 16 to 19 have a much greater risk of death or injury in a car crash than any other age group.7
Before your teen gets behind the wheel—or becomes a passenger with a teen driver—it’s important to understand the biggest dangers that lead to teen car crashes. Distracted driving, speed, and driver inexperience are all factors that can contribute to motor vehicle accidents in teens.
Create rules for your teen and make your expectations clear. Talk about consequences for reckless behavior, such as driving too fast or getting in the car with someone who has been drinking.
The third greatest risk to a teen’s health is violence. IN 2017, more than 1,800 teens from the ages of 15 to 19 died from violence in the U.S.8
According to a 2017 survey from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 19% of teenagers have been bullied during the previous year. And 16% of students reported carrying a weapon (a knife or gun) at least once in the previous 30 days.9
Talk to your teen about how to stay safe. Discuss what to do if he’s bullied or how to respond if he learns of another student carrying a weapon. Talk about dating violence as well, since many acts of violence occur in romantic relationships.  
Suicide is the third leading cause of death for teens from 15 to 19 years of age.8 Approximately 7% of high school students attempt suicide
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