Hairbrush Masturbation

Hairbrush Masturbation

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Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click here to sign up. Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com . (Questions may be edited.)
Got a burning question for Prudie? She’ll be online here on Slate to chat with readers each Monday at noon. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion.
Dear Prudence,
A few years ago my now 11-year-old daughter found the “back massager” stowed under my bed. I told her that it was for massaging sore muscles and this is, indeed, the way this massager is marketed. In fact, I use it during sex with my husband and for masturbation. Recently, this back massager has been disappearing into my daughter’s room, where she says she uses it to massage her muscles. I just discovered she is also experimenting with it on her genitals. I don’t have any problem with her discovering her sexuality, but it seems awkward and inappropriate that she is using the instrument that I use. I also think it is too powerful for her. Last night she told me that she had used it on her genitals and that they were swollen and hurt. I told her that she needed to take it easy and that the massager should only be used on sore muscles. What should I do? I feel like she will continue to ask me for the massager and potentially use it for sexual pleasure. Again, I have no problem with her masturbation or discovery of her sexuality, but it just doesn’t seem right that it is with my massager. When I hide it, she asks for it, and I don’t want to give her any sense that she is doing something wrong. What should I do?
Dear Sharing,
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this column, it’s that vibrators have a yearning to wander and they end up in the darndest places. I love the idea of your little girl sighing over her aching sacroiliac in order to borrow Mom’s “back massager” for relief. No surprise she’s got sore muscles—as you’re finding out, she’s got a sore love muscle from all the battery-operated overuse. I agree that your daughter has to explore her sexuality, but not by appropriating the goodies under your bed. (Ah, the memories of the stuff under Mom and Dad’s bed! That’s where I discovered Human Sexual Response by Masters and Johnson and My Life & Loves by Frank Harris. The marijuana was in the underwear drawer.) It’s unsanitary physically and messy psychologically for you two to be sharing this magic wand. You have to make clear to your daughter that while she’s entitled to some privacy, parents’ privacy rights trump kids’. That means she can’t just search your bedroom and take anything she pleases. Explain that she can no longer borrow the massager because it’s your personal item. Since she’s comfortable enough to come to you with her masturbatory misadventures, you should address the subject head on. Tell her what’s she’s doing is perfectly normal, but she’s just too young to use an electronic device (frankly, it will be better for her not to get hooked on such powerful stimulation). Let her know that for countless millennia 11-year-olds have been mastering masturbation with just their hands and she should try that route. Say you’re available to talk with her on this issue anytime, and also give a copy It’s Perfectly Normal or another straightforward book on sexual development, in case she has questions she doesn’t want to bring to you. Then put your massager someplace your daughter can’t get it. Until manufacturers come up with a specialty vibrator safe, one of these should do.
Dear Prudence,
The same day my husband and I learned he has incurable brain cancer, I also learned he has been regularly seeing and texting his ex-lover, probably for the entirety of our 14 years together. “Bob” and “Vickie” worked together years ago. He was unattached; she had a boyfriend but started sleeping with Bob on the side. This continued through her engagement, and possibly right up to her wedding. The sex then ended but the communication continued. Bob and I became a couple soon after. Both Bob and Vickie travel frequently for work, and I always suspected they were getting together occasionally. A few years ago I found a sexy picture of her and I confronted him and told him finding this picture devastated me. He apologized, got rid of the picture, and we moved on. A few weeks ago I took Bob to the emergency room because he appeared to have had a stroke. The diagnosis was much worse: an aggressive brain cancer from which he will not survive. I accessed his cellphone (for the first time, he always kept it locked) and discovered almost daily text messages between Bob and Vickie. They were chatty and brief, but included sexual innuendo. Bob later admitted that although they never sleep together, he and Vickie get together a few times a year when traveling. I am furious and sick over this betrayal, because I was (am?) so in love with him. If he weren’t ill, I would throw him out. Instead I am staying, caring for my husband during what is likely to be the last year of his life. I am in torment every day, and when my husband does finally die, my memory of him will be forever tainted by his betrayal.
Dear Sad,
Everything is agony for you right now, and I’m not defending either Bob or Vickie, but I hope that in the time you have left together you and Bob can get past what you’ve discovered. This secret friendship was out of bounds and I don’t blame you for being furious and feeling betrayed. Bob knew you’d never approve of his staying in touch with Vickie, so he hid this from you. This was a small, walled-off portion of his life, but what matters is that Bob chose you, and continued to choose you. You’ve had l4 good years together, and now you’ve committed to see him through to the end. Don’t compound the pain of his impending death with incessant thoughts about this other woman. It would be easy to focus all your sadness, grief, and anger on her, but what’s important is that she’s not important. It’s also better you found out now, rather than after his death, so that you weren’t left to sort through this all alone. Bob needs you, and you need him. You also need someone to talk to—about this discovery, and more importantly about his illness and eventual death. A good therapist, preferably one knowledgeable about grief and loss, will be a sounding board for you and help keep this violation from taking up more space in your life than it deserves. I’m sure you will be glad you stayed, and I hope you two find sweetness in the precious days you have left.
Dear Prudence,
My brother hit it big in the financial sector. He’s worth somewhere north of $50 million. I’m a homemaker, married to an IT manager with a solid income. I’ve held on to the liberal, atheist values I developed in the 1970s and a casual lifestyle. My brother and his wife meanwhile have become rabid conservatives who golf with celebrities. For the last 20 years, we’ve lived on opposite ends of the country, but my brother travels constantly for business. His family also travels constantly for pleasure—sometimes to within easy distance of my home, as I see on Facebook. My 21-year-old nephew, whom I don’t know well, recently spent a month within 10 miles of me and didn’t contact me. I am hurt by this and feel the loss of my extended family keenly. I last saw my brother five years ago on a visit to his home, which was nice until his constant political comments led to a liberal vs. conservative screaming match. We’ve only had stilted phone and email contact since then. Do you have any ideas on how to fix this?
—Upper-Middle-Class Sister/Rich Brother
Dear Upper,
It’s unfortunate that since you follow their comings and goings on Facebook, you didn’t take the opportunity of your nephew’s nearness to be the one to reach out to him and invite him to dinner. You may miss your brother, but whether you acknowledge it or not you also resent him and think he’s a jackass. You have contempt for his opinions and the way he lives (most people with an eight-figure net worth are the traveling type). It’s likely that all this came to head in that blow-up, and maybe your brother and his wife decided life’s too short, and there are too many rounds of golf to play with Clint Eastwood, to invest more time in a relationship with you. I think you should make another effort with your brother. Send him an email, or even a letter, saying how much you miss him and his family. Say you are very sorry for your part in causing the fight during your last visit and have long regretted your harsh words and how it led to estrangement. Say you’d like to heal this breach, and your home is open for a visit from his family any time they are near. Tell him you and yours would be happy to fly somewhere to get together with them. If you are rebuffed, then accept your brother is a cold, cold man, which probably was one of the keys to his success.
Dear Prudence,
My wife and I are in the midst of a difficult but rewarding relocation to Switzerland from Indiana. My parents have been planning on visiting us for the first time in early December. However, they’ve now said that they are thinking about pushing the trip back until March of next year because they are afraid to travel near Christmas out of fear that ISIS will plan terrorist attacks around the holiday. I’m crushed by this. I’ve never been in a place where I have felt safer than in Switzerland and think that the likelihood of an attack by ISIS is infinitesimal. Should I try to convince my parents to visit? I don’t want to invalidate their feelings, but I think they’d be making a mistake to allow fear to deny them the opportunity visit that we’ve all been looking forward to so much.
Dear Not,
Here’s to your parents’ confidence that this depraved, barbarous group will be in hand by March. You’re right that your parents’ chances of being caught up a holiday-time terrorist attack are incalculably small. Even on Sept. 11, 2001, the likelihood of an air traveler being on one of the four hijacked planes was minuscule. As the saying goes, driving to the airport is the most dangerous part of flying. Your parents are correct that Indiana is a good place to seek refuge from international troubles, but it’s just silly for them to skip a much-anticipated trip to the land of chocolate, cuckoo-clocks, and secret bank accounts of the world’s evildoers (OK, emphasize the chocolate and clocks). Do hear them out, then encourage them to come. But if they still decide to put off the December trip for one in the spring, let’s hope your parents really are a barometer of a receding threat.
“ For the Private and Confidential Use of the Recipient : I responded to a Craigslist personal using my work email. Will I lose my job—and my wife?”
“ No to Joy : Since starting on antidepressants, my wife has been cheerful and optimistic. I hate it.”
“ Call of the Wild : My boyfriend answered the phone while we were having sex. Deal-breaker?”
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Malia Griggs is a writer, editor, and social storyteller who joined SELF's commerce team in 2020. Previously, she worked at The Daily Beast , Comedy Central, and Cosmopolitan. In addition to shopping, she has written about mental health, burnout, epilepsy, race, and relationships.
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Whether you realize it or not, there are many situations in which knowing how to convert household items into homemade sex toys is a real plus. Maybe you’re away from home and realize you’re without your favorite sex toy ; maybe things have gotten heated and you don’t have time to hunt for a vibrator ; maybe you’re looking to try a new kink without investing much money. Or maybe you just want to surprise your partner (or yourself).
Whatever the reason, Barbara Carrella , a certified sexologist and author of Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century, says a DIY sex toy (which she calls a pervertible) is never far: “Pervertibles are every day, non-erotic items that can be easily converted into sex toys. They can be found absolutely everywhere, and once you start finding them, it’s hard to stop seeing the erotic potential in all sorts of everyday items.”
We spoke to a variety of sex educators and experts about their top picks for unassuming everyday objects you can bring into your sex life, either with a partner or by yourself. While there’s no true replacement for a body-safe sex toy , Rae Chen, sex and beauty editor of TheNotice.net , tells SELF: “There are a lot of household items that can double as sex toys for the brave (or very, very horny). Ideally, I recommend using only new, clean items."
From spatulas to throw pillows, Carrellas says once you start looking for pervertibles, “you can expand your erotic imagination and increase your pleasure possibilities.” (And save money too.) Below, we’ve rounded up a few of the best homemade sex toys, as well as expert recommendations for how to safely enjoy them.
All products featured on SELF are independently selected by our editors. However, when you buy something through our retail links, we may earn an affiliate commission.
Ice cubes are a great gateway to the DIY sex toy game because they’re not messy and can easily be tossed down the drain if you’re not feeling it, Gigi Engle, resident sex educator at 3Fun and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life , tells SELF.
As for how to employ the ice cubes, she says: “The nipples are a hot zone (pun intended). Run the cold object around your partner’s nipples and then over each one, taking note of how they respond. If they’re clearly enjoying themselves, move down their body. Focus on the inner thighs and hip bones.” And if they’re into that sensation, engage their penis or vulva last.
Be sure you always have fresh ice cubes ready to go—a task made easy if you own a useful refillable silicone ice cube tray like this one above. (Before you ask, they’re molded like coffee beans , we promise.) For more traditional shapes, try these freezer trays from Amazon .
“A wooden spoon is an excellent toy for spanking when you’re ready to move on from a flat palm,” Engle says. She advises that the spoon be on the newer side and finished, as you wouldn’t want to give your partner splinters in their rear. Once you’ve pulled the spoon out of its drawer, use the back of it as a paddle, but(t) don’t hit with full force. “Work your way up to more intense strokes,” Engle adds. “As beginners, it can take some time to get your bearings. Remember, always ask your partner if something feels good or is too rough.”
You don’t have to invest in a full-on BDSM kit to incorporate some light bondage into your play. Carol Queen, staff sexologist at Good Vibrations , recommends pulling out a bandana, which you might already have lying around (or maybe now’s the time you buy a cute scarf like this one from Madewell, which comes in an Afterglow Red colorway).
Crucially, avoid bandanas made of fabrics as slinky as silk or satin, as those materials get dangerously tight when you knot them. “Fold or twist a cotton bandana or scarf, however, and you can tie wrists much more safely,” Queen says, adding that you should still be able to slide one finger between the scarf and skin.
Another way to use a bandana? As a blindfold, tied to the side so the wearer doesn’t have to place their head on an awkward knot.
“Swishing around mouthwash (or sucking on a mint ) before or during oral sex will create a pleasurable tingling sensation which will feel amazing for your partner if they’re into that type of stimulation,” says sex and relationship therapist Malika O’Neill , LPC, and founder and CEO of The Pleasure Collective, LLC . This homemade sex toy has the added bonus of freshening your breath too.
“ Humping items like pillows , blankets, and sofa arms can be perfect for external stimulation,” Chen says. “Just be sure to cover them with something you can launder.”
Given its length and rod-like curves, the phallic hairbrush handle makes for an easily accessible a
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