HOW TO BE A GENTLEMAN
So you want to be a gentleman but don’t know where to start. Being a gentleman isn’t a personality quirk. It’s not something you turn on and off like a switch. It’s a lifestyle. Although it’s a reputation that’s hit the endangered species list, like my Ghostbusters sweatshirt, I’m hopeful it will make a comeback.
How To Be A Gentleman, 20 things that make a man a gentleman
Being a gentleman revolves around one word: respect. It’s respect for yourself, those you care about, and those you want to care about.
Here are 20 timeless tips on how to be a gentleman that will enhance your life, both personally and professionally:
How do you define a ‘gentleman’?
Here at Gentleman’s Journal we thought it was high time we set the record straight; did our bit, and defined once and for all the characteristics of the modern gentleman.
1. A gentleman never tells
No gossiping, spreading scandalous rumours or running others down. You’re not Alicia Silverstone in Clueless (at least, not the last time we checked) – a real gent always protects the integrity of both himself and people around him.
2. A gentleman knows that anything worth having is worth working hard for
Shortcuts, free rides, those tiny samples of cologne in magazines – these have no place in a gentleman’s world. You only get what you give, and rightly so.
3. A gentleman knows how to dance
Not too much, no one likes to see a grown man at a family wedding moonwalking and dramatically grabbing his testicles à la Michael Jackson. You need just enough fine footwork to be able to confidently hold the floor, for a romantic dance or two, with your better half.
4. A gentleman helps any woman with her baggage
Woman, man, dog – if a gentleman spots any living being struggling with something heavy he immediately offers assistance. If you suspect later it may have been a body, best to call the appropriate authorities.
5. A gentleman always RSVPs
Don’t leave your nearest and dearest hanging. Reply promptly, and be sure to bring the party when you arrive.
6. A gentleman knows the difference between confidence and arrogance
Arrogant: Simon Cowell when his contestant gets through to the final and he can barely contain his self-satisfied grin. Confidence: James Bond at his best, strong and admirable (minus any of the questionable 1960s sleaziness. Different times).
7. A gentleman is open-minded
Sharp wit can win any augment, but an intelligent gentleman knows the benefit of listening to other’s views and being prepared to learn and develop his world view – be this on olives (always delicious) or unchecked market deregulation (sketchy at best).
8. A gentleman constantly proves that chivalry is not dead
Not dead, but evolved. Good manners remain essential, whereas chivalry regarding practices such as “don’t burn down or destroy houses without good reason” are less pertinent in modern times.
9. A gentleman should go out his way to never make anyone cry
Unless it’s tears of happiness from that vintage Jaguar you surprised her with for your anniversary. (See also, chopping onions).
10. A gentleman never lies to a woman
To be honest this shouldn’t be gender specific either. Liars are bad eggs full stop. The only time they are acceptable are when a) they involve Father Christmas or b) a woman has had a questionable visit to a hair salon. She knows it’s bad. You know it’s bad. She knows you know it’s bad. Say it looks wonderful, and move on.
11. A gentleman doesn’t always make the first move
First move, last move, in-between move – whoever made it, if you’re both fully consenting adults and you’ve got it on, just enjoy the moment.
12. A gentleman means what he says and says what he means
No doublespeak, no having to read between the lines – while never being rude or insensitive, a gentleman finds a tactful way to be open about his thoughts and feelings.
13. For a lady, a gentleman always offers his seat and opens the door
This time-honoured gentlemanly gesture has become problematic in the modern world. For us, it’s straight-up good manners, a spot of polite chivalry worthy of being preserved, while letting other chivalrous customs such as shooting a love rival’s brains out at dawn be consigned probably rightly to history.
14. A gentleman never judges
Fast judgements say more about the person making the judgement, than those being judged. As the old adage goes: never judge a book by its cover (accept Jilly Cooper novels with bottoms being pinched, you pretty much get what you see there).
15. A gentleman is always well presented
No matter what company, occasion or top secret mission, dress like it’s your last day on earth. If you think that means hanging around in your dressing gown drinking sub-par red wine, there’s work to be done.
16. A gentleman has a firm handshake and always makes eye contact
Weak grips and averted gazes are huge no-nos when one gentleman meets another. Like-wise a vice-like power grip to bring tears to another man’s eyes are to be avoided.
17. A gentleman always offers his coat to a lady
Some may consider this blisteringly dated, but sacrificing one’s comfort for that of a lady is an act of attentiveness and selflessness. You may be left shivering in the elements, but you can enjoy the warm glow of altruism emanating from your very core.
18. A gentleman knows how to cook
Being able to prepare one good, full meal should be the bare minimum. If you can make a Beef Wellington with the lights off, god, we’ll marry you.
19. A gentleman always walks a woman home
It’s not old-fashioned, it’s good manners. Take her to the door, and wait till she’s safely inside. Standing out in the rain two hours later waiting for her bedroom light to go off: not so gentlemanly.
20. A gentleman always offers to pay
“I’ll get this one”– one of the most important phrases in the gentleman lexicon. Be it a date, business lunch, or catch-up with friends, be the first to offer to pay the bill. Better still, find the waiter, and settle it before it even comes to the table.
How to be a Gentleman When in a Relationship
Guys, admit it or not, we ladies love gentlemen. We love all the nice gestures and words you sprinkle upon us as much as we love Mom’s homemade apple pie. Those hand-picked roses from your neighbor’s garden may also do the trick, but does it really?
Without going overboard, you can still be a gentleman and win our hearts. Yes, even the coldest of hearts can melt with simple deeds (notice how I emphasized deeds?) and words (because, yes, words do count, too!).
1. Do as you say.
Oftentimes, relationships break apart due to shattered promises. Gentlemen rarely or even never break their promises (except for really valid reasons). And when I say valid, it’s mainly because of unexpected (as in unexpected and totally emergent) reasons. Life-and-death occurrences count, as compared with laziness or just “not in the mood” excuses.
If you are not in the mood to do something, tell that to your partner and maybe (just maybe) she’ll understand. Yes, we know that you’re also human and have ups and downs with your moods. You just want to stay at home or have an all-boys day out just as we girls do. So please feel free to tell us the REAL reason why you’re not up for a lunch out with us and we’ll do our best to understand you. It’s just a matter of communication.
2. Say things nicely.
I know it can sound pretty hard for those who aren’t really ‘sweet-talkers.’ But hey, your words can make or break your relationships, dude. There may be times when you can hold off that nasty word, or better yet, don’t say it at all when you know that you’ll offend your significant other.
Of course, you might say that it differs based on personality, but then, will it really be a death sentence for you if you won’t utter those hurtful words? So what if you feel like she’s not as beautiful as the first time you met her? So what if her hair isn’t as flat-out or curled as you want it to be? Would it be better to tell her outright that she’s not beautiful anymore? Think about it, for you just might save your dying relationship.
3. Hold the door for her.
Old-school actions still work; trust me. No matter how much she insists on opening it herself, be alert enough to notice that she also needs you to be there for her (even for the littlest things). And yes, we really appreciate the initiative. Even when it comes to doors.
4. Bring her home after a date.
It may be awkward, most especially if you still don’t have ‘wheels’ to drive her to her house after your date (not to mention an additional expense for you), but what better way to be a gentleman than letting her folks/siblings/guardian (especially if she still lives with them) that you took great care of their princess? Yup, this is a true-blue way to be a gentleman without going overboard!
5. Have initiative over the little things.
Being gentlemanly is not just about words. Your planning over the little things (specifically for your future dates) counts a lot. Instead of letting her do all the decision-making, why not take the first step to creating a list of places (Note: These need not be expensive spots) to go to. Once you’re done with your list, show it to her and let the two of you plan your itinerary. Aside from showing that you have the intention to take her to a simple yet memorable hangout, you’ll definitely show that you’re really serious about your intentions with her.
6. Seek permission from her parents/siblings/guardian when going out.
Okay, this may apply to those not yet married (also based on various cultural preferences), but I’d like to emphasize on the power of seeking parents’ approval. Some might disagree with this practice, but it still definitely counts as a gentleman’s way of showing respect to them.
Call it corny, but even millennials still need to regard their parents’ opinions over vital matters (especially that of the heart). By doing so, you, the gentleman, are also proving how serious you are about her.
And for the ladies, yes, it’s also a nice practice to (most of the time) let your parents know about your whereabouts. This is not to deprive you of your privacy whatsoever, but most especially if you still live with your parents, you’d be really in good hands knowing that your parents have trust in you and your guy. That’s the best feeling ever.
7. Be polite (even to strangers).
A gentleman doesn’t easily get annoyed over the simplest of things. Encountered a waiter who spilled orange juice over your newly ironed suit? Would you yell at him right then and there? Uh-oh. Spells D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R already.
Yes, we ladies also love a calm demeanor, most especially over the little things. Notice how I always emphasize the simple things? It’s because they matter the most. If you can’t be polite to the people around you, how much more respectful will you be with us in the long run?
8. Be especially polite to your mom.
Politeness in the streets is already a huge plus. What more could we ask for when it comes to your mom and your family as a whole? If you are already courteous, polite, and nice to your parents, you’d have an easier time showing your gentleman-ness to your lady love.
Rudeness is not in the vocabulary of a gentleman. Though there may be times when you feel off (mainly due to some unresolved issues in your career, family, etc.), it won’t hurt to smile or say things in a nice way. Your politeness can definitely take you a long way!
9. Compromise.
Can’t agree over where to go? Don’t want to really go where your lady wants to be? Not a problem, for a gentleman learns to compromise. Even if it may be a “no” for you to go to the KTV, but your girl wants to spend some time belting her lungs out, you might want to accompany her there, too. After all, you love her, right? Even if you don’t want to sing (or if you think you might break the mirrors there), it won’t really hurt going with her. And yes, that’s a gentleman’s way of saying that he’s not just being the love of her life for convenience, he’s saying that he’s in for the long haul.
10. Carry her heavy baggage (literally).
A gentleman is sensitive enough to know when his lady is having difficulties carrying her things. May it be her shopping bag, some trash bags, cans of milk, and others, if you are a real gentleman, you would offer a hand. Although we have high regard for gender equality now, it won’t hurt if you extend some help to your girl.
11. Offer her a seat.
An old-fashioned act itself, offering your girl a seat (whether at a restaurant, bus, queue, etc.) is a time-tested way to express your concern for her. Not only would you be rekindling the good old days when you were still truly, madly courting her, but it would also make her feel so special that she’ll have a hard time sleeping, reminiscing your gentle nature.
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