Guy Solo
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Guy Solo
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Having never been a boy, I had no idea about all the weird shit boys do to get off. Even though I had a big brother, I wasn’t privy to the vast array of strange self-satisfying tools and tricks teenage boys have up their sleeves. That is, until I met my husband and he told me a hilarious story about why he loved climbing the pole at school.
“At first,” he explained, “I just climbed because I liked to see how fast I could get to the top. But one day when I climbed something weird happened. It felt really good. Like, so good I would make sure to climb that pole every morning and every lunch.”
Even as my own sons grew, I didn’t understand just how resourceful boys could be, until I questioned my then-12-year-old about why he had a giant box of condoms in his bedroom.
His hesitation should have been my first clue.
“Well, umm,” he said. “I use them to, uh, you know…”
“To what?” I asked. I had no idea what he was trying to say.
“Oh. Oh, well, OK,” was all I managed to say.
A week later, while out for drinks with my girlfriends, who also had teen boys, I asked if that was normal.
“I don’t know about condoms,” my friend Tammy said, “but I found out my son Charlie was using socks.”
“Socks?” I had never heard of boys sexualizing slippers.
“Yeah, socks. Your boys don’t do that?” Tammy asked. “Well, Charlie does. I swear I won’t even touch his laundry anymore. All it took was one time grabbing a sock that was hard as a rock and I was done. It was nasty!”
Learning about socks, and laughing my ass off watching the Bridesmaids scene where a mom describes cracking her son’s comforter, made me curious about what other means boys employ to get their (pun intended) socks off.
Naturally, I first turned to my husband and sons to learn more. I was in for a surprise with their answers.
Like machine gun fire, my eldest son listed his favorite masturbation props.
“Let’s see, there’s good old wadded-up toilet paper, towels, even shirts. Heck, I’ll use dirty laundry if it’s there. Whatever is within reach, really,” he shared. As he spoke, my younger son nodded his head emphatically.
“Anything else?” I asked. I was all business. Hey, who was I to judge? As a teen, I’d had an amorous moment or two with my favorite bottle of perfume, Love’s Baby Soft, which, if anyone remembers, was totally shaped like a dildo.
“OK, don’t laugh, but one time I put my penis in the vacuum hose,” my youngest said.
“While it was on?” I asked. I’d lost my deadpan expression the moment I picture my son losing his penis in a vacuuming accident.
“Yeah, but it was on low, don’t worry,” he reassured me. “It didn’t feel that good, so I only did it once.”
“Oh, what about paper towel rolls?” my oldest added. “And that time I used the cantaloupe?”
Even my husband was shocked at the cantaloupe revelation. Fruit. Really? I thought that was only a thing women in prison did.
“And the trash can,” my youngest said. Was nothing sacred?
By the end of our conversation, I had the idea that my sons, and probably all teenage boys, used anything and everything at their disposal to masturbate.
With my curiosity quelled, I had to wonder if my quest for knowledge was a worthy endeavor. Honestly, I’ll probably never look at a cantaloupe the same way again, but I am grateful I had this awkward, yet illuminating, discussion with my kids.
They felt confident enough to be real, knowing full well I would write this information and share it with the world. It may seem like too much for some parents, but talks like these let me know that my sons can truly be open with me about any subject, no matter how uncomfortable. Like, penis-in-a-vacuum uncomfortable. Ouch.
Before you go, check out our slideshow below:
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Having never been a boy, I had no idea about all the weird shit boys do to get off. Even though I had a big brother, I wasn’t privy to the vast array of strange self-satisfying tools and tricks teenage boys have up their sleeves. That is, until I met my husband and he told me a hilarious story about why he loved climbing the pole at school.
“At first,” he explained, “I just climbed because I liked to see how fast I could get to the top. But one day when I climbed something weird happened. It felt really good. Like, so good I would make sure to climb that pole every morning and every lunch.”
Even as my own sons grew, I didn’t understand just how resourceful boys could be, until I questioned my then-12-year-old about why he had a giant box of condoms in his bedroom.
His hesitation should have been my first clue.
“Well, umm,” he said. “I use them to, uh, you know…”
“To what?” I asked. I had no idea what he was trying to say.
“Oh. Oh, well, OK,” was all I managed to say.
A week later, while out for drinks with my girlfriends, who also had teen boys, I asked if that was normal.
“I don’t know about condoms,” my friend Tammy said, “but I found out my son Charlie was using socks.”
“Socks?” I had never heard of boys sexualizing slippers.
“Yeah, socks. Your boys don’t do that?” Tammy asked. “Well, Charlie does. I swear I won’t even touch his laundry anymore. All it took was one time grabbing a sock that was hard as a rock and I was done. It was nasty!”
Learning about socks, and laughing my ass off watching the Bridesmaids scene where a mom describes cracking her son’s comforter, made me curious about what other means boys employ to get their (pun intended) socks off.
Naturally, I first turned to my husband and sons to learn more. I was in for a surprise with their answers.
Like machine gun fire, my eldest son listed his favorite masturbation props.
“Let’s see, there’s good old wadded-up toilet paper, towels, even shirts. Heck, I’ll use dirty laundry if it’s there. Whatever is within reach, really,” he shared. As he spoke, my younger son nodded his head emphatically.
“Anything else?” I asked. I was all business. Hey, who was I to judge? As a teen, I’d had an amorous moment or two with my favorite bottle of perfume, Love’s Baby Soft, which, if anyone remembers, was totally shaped like a dildo.
“OK, don’t laugh, but one time I put my penis in the vacuum hose,” my youngest said.
“While it was on?” I asked. I’d lost my deadpan expression the moment I picture my son losing his penis in a vacuuming accident.
“Yeah, but it was on low, don’t worry,” he reassured me. “It didn’t feel that good, so I only did it once.”
“Oh, what about paper towel rolls?” my oldest added. “And that time I used the cantaloupe?”
Even my husband was shocked at the cantaloupe revelation. Fruit. Really? I thought that was only a thing women in prison did.
“And the trash can,” my youngest said. Was nothing sacred?
By the end of our conversation, I had the idea that my sons, and probably all teenage boys, used anything and everything at their disposal to masturbate.
With my curiosity quelled, I had to wonder if my quest for knowledge was a worthy endeavor. Honestly, I’ll probably never look at a cantaloupe the same way again, but I am grateful I had this awkward, yet illuminating, discussion with my kids.
They felt confident enough to be real, knowing full well I would write this information and share it with the world. It may seem like too much for some parents, but talks like these let me know that my sons can truly be open with me about any subject, no matter how uncomfortable. Like, penis-in-a-vacuum uncomfortable. Ouch.
Before you go, check out our slideshow below:
The stories you care about, delivered daily.
SheKnows is a part of Penske Media Corporation. © 2022 SheMedia, LLC. All Rights Reserved.
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Solo: A Star Wars Story features a number of bad guys, including pirate leader Enfys Nest and gangster Dryden Vos, but who is the main antagonist?
The latest trailer for Solo: A Star Wars Story offers a first look at Paul Bettany's crime lord Dryden Vos, but is he the main villain of the movie, or merely a mini-boss? We recently learned more about a villain called Enfys Nest , leader of a group of pirates called the Cloud-Riders, who sports a distinctive and vicious-looking outfit (which seems to include Wookiee fur). Then, of course, there's the band of miscreants that Han Solo ends up joining, led by the morally-ambiguous Tobias Beckett (Woody Harrelson).
We still don't know all that much about the plot of Solo - especially since marketing got off to a rather late start as a result of the movie changing hands halfway through production . While a few villainous characters have been introduced, it's still unclear who the main antagonist is. However, there are a few bad guys roaming around, so these are some of the possible candidates for the movie's big bad.
Dryden Vos (Paul Bettany) is referred to in the trailer as a " big-shot gangster ," and he's apparently the man who hires Beckett and his crew for a job. He certainly looks like good villain material, with his long black cloak and heavily scarred face, and if Han fails in his mission (or, more likely, double-crosses Vos), the gangster could be out for revenge. Chances are good that this is our main bad guy, but he's not the only unscrupulous character we'll meet.
Pirate leader Enfys Nest is given just as much screen time as Vos in this trailer, if not a little more. And while a black cape and facial scarring are perfectly serviceable villain design traits, they can't hold a candle to Enfys Nest's necklace of teeth, Wookiee-fur cape and bladed helmet. As we've noted elsewhere, Enfys Nest's helmet design suggests that the pirate might hail from Mandalore - or perhaps she simply killed a Mandalorian and took their armor. A source at Star Wars News Net claims that Enfys Nest " is not a big role, but it is important ," and that the actress is signed on for two more movies. It doesn't seem like Enfys Nest is the main villain of Solo , but she definitely looks like a cool secondary antagonist, and could graduate to the role of primary antagonist in a future movie.
In the latest trailer for Solo , Beckett tells Han, " Let me give you some advice. Assume everyone will betray you, and you will never be disappointed ." This is the kind of line that practically screams foreshadowing, and coupled with the fact that Beckett is the leader of a criminal gang, the chances of him turning out to be a villain are pretty high. Woody Harrelson recently showed off his talent for playing a villain in War for the Planet of the Apes , and it wouldn't be the first time that a friend turned traitor in a Star Wars movie (looking at you, Lando). And while we're on the topic of there being no honor among thieves...
Qi'ra (Emilia Clarke) and Han first met as teenagers, and their past exploits will be detailed in the Solo tie-in novel Most Wanted . Like Han, Qi'ra is a street kid from Corellia who has had to fight for her survival. While they're ostensibly on the same team in Solo: A Star Wars Story , being betrayed by someone that he has feelings for would certainly explain how Han became such a cynic. Beckett's line about betrayal could be foreshadowing for Qi'ra turning out to be a double agent, and Clarke has a talent for playing ruthless characters (jus
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