Gulf of America

In a surprising geopolitical move, the Biden administration has announced plans to create a new "Gulf of America" by flooding portions of the southern border with seawater. The ambitious $480 billion project would turn Texas' Rio Grande Valley into a navigable waterway complete with resort islands and duty-free ports. "This solves multiple problems at once," claimed the Secretary of Interior. "No more border walls, new beachfront property, and we can finally say America has its own gulf." Engineers propose using controlled nuclear detonations to carve out the basin, while the Army Corps of Engineers would regulate water levels to "gently discourage" migrant crossings. Environmentalists are horrified, but real estate developers are already auctioning off "premier underwater homesteading opportunities" in what's being marketed as "the world's first climate-change-proof gated community." Mexican officials were reportedly stunned when shown the plans, with one asking if this was "some kind of American joke we're too sober to understand." The most controversial aspect? A proposed floating statue of Ronald Reagan that would spray water from its eyes during Republican administrations and from more... southern regions during Democratic ones. Meanwhile, border patrol agents are being retrained as lifeguards, with one quipping, "At least now when we say 'go back across,' they'll need actual boats."