Guide To Teenage Dating
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Guide To Teenage Dating
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Nobody wants to be lonely, and everyone wants to be and feel loved. The dating scene during your teenage years can be tough to navigate. Social pressure, personal desire, and parental consent or dissent all contribute to making teenage dating a sometimes confusing issue. How do teenagers know if or when they’re ready to date?
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Cooper McCullough, Gabrielle Odom • Feb 12, 2022
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By Dina Cheney Published: Jan 14, 2020
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From those first crushes to big heartbreaks, here's how to help your kids through their first dating experiences.
Talking to our kids about dating and sex can be awkward. Yet, it’s necessary, says Amy Lang , sexuality educator and author of Dating Smarts: What Every Teen Needs To Know To Date, Relate, Or Wait . Just as we teach our children about proper manners and study skills, we need to coach them about sexuality and romantic relationships, she says. To help them navigate this exhilarating, blissful, painful, and confounding aspect of life, you have to get over those feelings of embarrassment and get ready for some honest conversations.
In order to give our kids advice, we need to educate ourselves on the ages and stages of dating, says Andrew Smiler, Ph.D ., therapist and author of Dating and Sex; A Guide for the 20 th Century Teen Boy . Dating tends to happen in three waves, he explains. In the fifth grade, many experience their first real crushes and couples begin to form — though they tend not to interact after school.
By the second phase, usually in middle school, kids begin to socialize on their own time, primarily via devices. “There is an elaborate progression that takes place,” explains Lisa Damour, Ph.D. , psychologist and author of Untangled and Under Pressure . “It changes constantly, but it might be something like Snapchat, then direct messaging, and then texting.” These relationships are often intense, since — thanks to these devices — kids often spend hours “together” even though they’re not in the same room. As for spending time together in real life, kids tend to go on group dates, with some hand-holding taking place.
By phase three, usually in the last two years of high school, couples spend time alone together, with sexual activity occurring. According to the most recent stats available from the CDC, 55% of kids in the U.S. have had sex by age 18 . That said, “We know that today’s kids are much less sexually active than in previous generations,” Dr. Damour says.
Throughout the middle and high school years, there’s a good chance your kids are accessing pornography. "Most people think, ‘My kid won’t look for this stuff. Then they find out the kid Googled ‘boobs’ and went down a rabbit hole," Lang says. "Assuming they won’t access it is stupid because they will see it." To help them navigate this sometimes-upsetting content, explain that porn is not realistic. “Tell them no one’s body looks like that and no sexual encounter is like that in real life," she says.
You can try to install monitoring software with parental controls on every device, with the knowledge that your kids could still find a way around it or encounter porn on a friend’s device. “The best you can do is control what you can control,” Lang says, adding that kids should not get in trouble for having viewed sexually explicit content online. After all, “Kids are curious," she says. "If you don’t have parental controls and they see porn, it’s your fault, not theirs.” For more advice on dealing with this thorny issue, she suggests visiting Protect Young Minds .
When your child reveals a crush for the first time, it's easy to accidentally make fun of it, but you should resist the urge to trivialize things. Don’t apply an adult-like lens onto the situation either, Lang says. Asking your son or daughter if they’re going to marry the person, for example, would apply too much pressure.
Instead, focus on the friendship aspect of the relationship. Encourage them to get to know the object of their affection better by conversing with them, either in real life or via FaceTime. “Even though their crush might be super-cute, he or she might not be very nice,” Lang says, urging parents to advise their kids that physical attraction is not the be-all and end-all of romantic relationships. (But be warned that bad-mouthing your child’s crush might inspire them to rebel and date them regardless, she says.)
Don’t stress if your kid doesn’t follow the norms. “The basic message you should share with them is, ‘You are okay and there are lots of other folks like you,’” Dr. Smiler says. “It only becomes a problem if the kid sees it as a problem.”
So, even though 85% to 90% of kids have had a dating relationship by age 18, he says, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your kid preferring to instead focus on their baseball career or YouTube channel. Things will happen in their own time, when your kids are ready for it.
Kids who are questioning their sexuality are often an exception to the standard timetable. Make sure they know you’re there for them and will accept them no matter what. The stakes are high here, since suicide rates for LGBTQ kids are much higher than for the general population. “The leading indicator of their mental health is if their parents are 100% supportive of where they are in that moment," Lang says. "Do not shame kids, and if you’re uncomfortable, manage your discomfort away from your children.” She recommends PFlag and Gender Odyssey as helpful resources for parents who might have a hard time with this.
Sex at age 14 or younger is considered problematic, since it’s correlated with physical and sexual abuse and the use of alcohol and other drugs, Dr. Smiler says. Naturally, too wide of an age gap between members of a couple can make sex at earlier ages more likely. That’s one reason why experts caution against too large of a discrepancy. So, a one-year gap tends to be acceptable in elementary and middle school, with a two-year gap appropriate in high school. More than that, and the maturity levels are generally too different, he cautions. Also look out for unhealthy relationship patterns, like controlling or overly demanding partners, and help your kids steer clear of significant others who encourage risky behavior like sneaking out at night.
Although heartbreak is a normal part of sex and relationships, it can be particularly trying for kids, Dr. Damour explains. “When teens are upset, their emotions can outmatch their ability to have perspective, and they can become quite undone.”
And while girls have a reputation for taking heartbreak harder, in the event of a break-up or rejection, make a particular effort to check in with boys, who might be telling you they’re okay when they’re not. “One of the gendered findings from studies is that girls are more likely to discuss heartbreak, while boys distract themselves,” Dr. Damour says. So, girls often get support by reaching out to their peers, whereas boys might feel more isolated with their feelings.
Remember to also pay close attention to depressive teens, says Lang. “We have therapy for a reason," she says. "Don’t be afraid to get help.”
“I recommend talking with kindergarteners about how babies are made,” says Lang, explaining that in the Netherlands — where sex ed begins in kindergarten — the teen pregnancy rate is the lowest in the world. If we initially broach the subject with grade-schoolers, the stakes are lower, the conversation won’t be awkward, and we’ll establish ourselves as our kids’ go-to for this type of information. “You want to get in the door before someone else does,” she says.
As part of these conversations, discuss healthy relationship patterns, especially the importance of both people’s needs being met, Dr. Damour says. Both boys and girls should be taught to ask for consent before making the first move (read this Good Housekeeping article for more on this thorny subject).
In general, “The best advice is to always ask if you can do something first,” says Dr. Smiler. Let your kids know they need to hear a clear "yes" before making the first move or taking things to the next level. As children become older, we can layer on more complex information; for instance, we can discuss pleasure with ninth graders. When it comes to the controversial topic of birth control, know that most pediatricians will speak with kids by age 13 or 14 about sexual activity and contraception, Dr. Damour says.
Throughout these talks, stay cool, Lang notes. “If you’re going to freak out, do it on your own time, not with your kids,” she says. In order to maintain credibility, talk about the pleasures along with the pitfalls of dating and sex, says Dr. Smiler. “Teenagers stop listening to parents talk about sex if they only discuss the bad stuff.”
For can't-miss news, expert beauty advice, genius home solutions, delicious recipes, and lots more, sign up for the Good Housekeeping newsletter .
Dina Cheney is the author of six books, including The New Milks: 100-Plus Dairy-Free Recipes for Making and Cooking with Soy, Nut, Seed, Grain, and Coconut Milk ; she also writes about health, relationships, fitness, beauty, and food for various publications. Visit her website at dinacheney.com . Social handles: Instagram ( @authordinacheney ), Twitter ( @DinaCheney ), and Facebook ( @dinacheney ).
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