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My wife of nearly 3 years has done unthinkable things. 2 Weeks out of DDAY, please help me. 30 (M)
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Unfortunately, I have stumbled upon this forum and am looking for some support, if you'd be so kind.
A bit of background. I'm 30 (M) and my wife is 25 (F). We've been married 3 years, and together for nearly 6 total. No children, no real assets what so ever, more debt than there is cash in our checking, we rent a house, and I'm the primary bread winner bringing home roughly 4k a month, and she nets around 1.5K. I work my ass off to provide her with the life she's accostomed to, and now facing the unthinkable.
My work family is pretty tight knit- a coworker of nearly 3 years invited me to join in a recreational soccer league which I've played in for 2 years now. My wife would attend every soccer game of mine, which I thought was a show of support for me, but in the back of my mind, I thought she just went for the alcohol that went hand in hand with it. Most nights I had games, I would take it very light on the alcohol, but she as a spectator would get pretty loose during the games and ride home with me. Pretty frequently, after the games, a few of the guys and girls would get together at different places to hang out into the night. A few of the times, we all came back to my place, or we'd go to a bar, pizza joint, etc. Well, a couple of weeks ago, a group of them were going to get together at one of the guys' houses a city away from me. I told them all after the game that I apologized, we wouldn't be going, I had work early the next morning. Well, on the ride home, she texted one of the guys I considered as being a "buddy" asking him to give her a ride over there. She asked me if it was OK for her to go while I was driving home, and I said no, I have work in the morning, and I want to be with you tonight. She gave me the angry alcoholic silent treatment, and upon arriving home, I pulled in the drive, and a car pulled up in front of the house. It was my "buddy". She had made the executive decision to go to this party, and I was pissed. I went to my budy's car and told him I'm not okay with this, and to leave, but then my wife got out of my car and into his. They drove away.
In my rage, I plugged in the dead iPad I had bought for her some years earlier. It was old, but I knew it was connected to her messaging/social media accounts. I saw exactly where she was, and tried staying up until I finally fell asleep that night around 3 am, and she still wasn't home. When I woke the next morning, she was in our bed, I didn't know when she had came home. I got up, got ready for work, and left that morning without waking her, or kissing her goodbye- the first and only time that had EVER happened. I wanted her to know I was pissed. Well, before I left for work, I grabbed the ipad and threw it in my briefcase.
I got to work that day, and after a meeting and a few phone calls, I pull out the ipad, and see it light up with a notification from a messaging app, "buddy" is typing... I open the app, and see a horrific exchange of messages that are supposed to self destruct, but this app version must've been outdated, as I was able to witness in real time their conversation, recanting the night before, where Buddy is making references to them making love, and other guys that had "fun" last night. I damn near lost it, but then it got worse. I watch as my wife instructs buddy to send her a video of him masturbating, which he obliged to do and I unfortunately witnessed. I ran out of my office and into the bathroom and vomited profusely. I was shaking from what I just witnessed, and got permission to leave work for the day. After taking several hours to chill the hell out (I was legtimately afraid I was going to hurt someone or myself) I drive home and find her still sleeping on the bed. I put my stuff down and ask her to come downstairs.
I sat across from her, and asked her to tell me in detail everything that happened last night. Which she did, but omitted any sort of sexual situations. Just drinking, playing pool, and talking, that was it. I then asked her when she spoke with buddy last. She said she had messaged him back and forth a bit that morning, but nothing in particular. Then I dropped the bomb, "would your story change if you knew I watched the entire conversation you had with him this morning?" she blew up into tears, and first thing out of her mouth was "are you leaving me?"
She came "clean" and told me that she couldn't really remember that clearly, but she had sex with Buddy, and another teammate last night, and that's all she could remember, it may have been with more guys but she couldn't remember. I was disgusted. I asked her if this was the first time, and surprisingly she told me that there had been other times, one time was even in my house while I was sleeping upstairs. That was it. I was so numb to it all, I helped her pack a bag, and she left the house to go stay with family, and she pleaded for me not to tell anyone. I was alone in my horror story, and am now 2 weeks out from DDAY with no idea of what to do.
I really hope I don't take the cake for worst DDAY experience, but it's hard to think of anything worse than catching your wife in a gangbang scenario with guys you've welcomed into your lives, and to find out that this has been going on for months with at least one of the guys. Now she wants to blame it all on alcohol and swears she's going to start AA, and wants to now go through couples therapy, she wants us to come out of this together. I think it's a little too late, but I'm a chump and I feel the full range of PISD emotions including guilt, I don't know why.
I have a meeting with an attorney tomorrow. I like to think I'm making the right move no matter how broken she is over being an alcoholic and really wanting to work this out, I can't even talk to her without imaging her being the lunch meat in a douche sandwich. I can't trust her, I'm disgusted by her actions (repeated), I deserve a heck of a lot better than that, and I'm not perfect, but why in the hell do I feel so guilty? There's no reconciling this right? I'm not the bad guy am I?
Any support/words of wisdom are very much appreciated. I feel like an idiot writing this all out and seeing it so clearly, but it's not easy to just "STOP" caring about the person you were completely and fully blindsided by. Please take it easy on me :(
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You are not the bad guy. I don't accept alcohol as an excuse either.
She cheated multiple times with multiple people and kept it from you. She's only sorry because you caught her. Now she's realising her actions have consequences.
If you're sure of divorce, speak to your lawyer and proceed. Even if I could deal with the cheating, I could not deal with the lying and secrets. That's where the trust really dies in my opinion. You asked her outright what happened that night and she offered no information until you said you saw the messages.
You deserve much better than her, and much better friends.
I’m a poor judge of character that’s for sure. I’m so ashamed of my ignorance and how this could happen right under my nose. Triple betrayal. Ugh, I don’t know how life can go on from here
Should I be sure of divorce at this point??
Am I the only one thus far that realized she most likely wasn’t drunk when she requested buddy stroke his pecker?
You have no kids. Run. Do not look back. Hit the STD clinic somewhere along the way to ensure your health is intact.
This sux. You are not the bad guy. Disconnect yourself from her and consider yourself lucky you found out now as opposed to down the line.
I mean, she “remembered” previous tryists, hence she could have fessed up whilst blaming the alcohol. She didn’t. Cause alcohol has nothing to do with her wild libido.
You nailed it. She wasn’t drunk that morning, so alcohol isn’t the sole reason. She’s trying to blame shift. I’m hitting the gym right now as a matter of fact
Get the best lawyer you can. Best advice possible. Tell your family and friends what you are going through ... you need their support and someone to talk to
Yeah this; don’t listen to her and not talk to anyone about this. Fuck that noise. Reach out to your support system for help right now.
Do should not keep her dirty little secret. Let her suffer the consequences of her actions whether you decide to D or R. You need all the support you can muster from family n friends. You are also letting her feed her family a different and softer version of your separation right now. They can be ger support if they know the truth also.
I hope you have found a good lawyer. Document your financial accts. If feasible, cancel any joint credit cards. Take half of joint savings out n put in your own acct that she has no access to. Get a separation agreement. Odds are joint debt will be split 50/50. After agreement any spending she does is all on her. Look after your now. Go NC. Only talk about D. Look at how she is handling it all. If she goes to IC and finds out the causes of her behavior and starts to fix herself, you may want to offer R. You set the boundries and the consequences. You reserve the right to end R and proceed with D at any time. She has an uphill battle to show you she f..d up. Mist WS are not. Whether you R or D, they are parallel paths to get out of infidelity. You need to decide to get out of infidelity one way or the other. I wish you the best in this horrific situation.
Dude she let multiple team mates of yours have sex with her in one night? So she destroyed your marriage and friendships at the same time? That is vindictive and hateful. She was going to let you be the fool with these guys to laugh at every time you were with them. She absolutely has to go and so do they. You need a life cleanse, it’s like a colon cleanse but smells better.
Good advice. Please take the advice of changing passwords and try to get her off as many joint accounts as possible. I would say thank Goodness you don’t have kids. This should be a pretty cut and dry case. I am sorry but she obviously remembered everything if the next day she is sexting. It sucks you’ll lose “friends” but I would see the best lawyers from all over so they cannot take her case and destroy her in court. I would tell her parents and everyone. You are not a chump. You are a trustworthy guy like myself. I married my HS sweetheart and we’ve been together since we were 15. We never broke up and have 2 kids. We also both Choose not to drink since I come from a long line of alcoholics. She just gets tired. I have never seen an easier decision in terms of divorce. Dude you are a good person and you deserve way better bro. Please take my advice. Cancel her credit cards too. Anything you can cancel or change DO IT. You will end up happier in the long run. Good luck.
That is one of the worst stories I have heard. I could not have recovered from that and she would be gone. And to top it off it is all over work as well?!? Not sure what to do with job but it seems your whole world is fucked. Can you take some time off work and figure out what you’re going to do? You need to clear your head and think of the next steps. Good luck! Take care
To be clear, my coworker is no longer with the company, and he was not one of the offending parties
Are any of these teammates married? I would be sure to tell their spouses. I would tell all of her family. She should feel ashamed and disgusted with her choices. If her family isn't told, she will twist the story and make you the bad guy. I've worked hard to have a name that I'm proud of. I wouldn't allow anyone to disparage me.
I have considered this but I think I want to ask my attorney first. What do you think?
I agree 110%. If u keep quiet then she will fill in the blank with her bullshit and change story completely. Also check for STDs.

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