Group Sex Fisting
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Group Sex Fisting
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Last weekend, I attended and presented at a Presentation Party Night (I highly recommend the experience, whether you attend or decide to present) and my presentation was on vaginal fisting. It was basically a how-to type of presentation that I made in Power Point that highlighted consent, safety, and method, all very important things but as I was in a room full of straight-up (and likely mostly straight) strangers, I didn’t want to fully out myself as a transsexual man that enjoys getting vaginally fisted. I made some allusions, but yeah, I wasn’t quite brave enough to stand up and be all, “Yo! I love being fisted and I have a vagina of steel! Let me tell you how it feels!”
I felt kind of bad when, during the question and answer segment, a woman in the audience pointed out that I didn’t say anything about how it feels or many positives aspects of it. She was right, I didn’t say much about how it feels and I over-focused on, “Use lube! Don’t wear rings! Trim your damn fingernails!” This is my chance to rectify that situation.
You know that moment when you’re completely connected to your body, and your mind, and your emotions, and your sense of trust? I usually don’t feel that. But if somebody I love or trust or love and trust has their fist up in me, I experience that combination and it is euphoric. It’s a culmination of all the great things. It’s the sexual simile to watching the X-Files and cuddling while talking about yur day.
I was born female but I’ve lived as male for the last ten years. I know a lot of trans men feel incredibly uncomfortable about penetration but, obviously, I don’t. I’ve had plenty of sex with cisgendered men, and I’m okay with penises and stuff, but my favorite sexual pleasure will always be getting fisted by a woman.
Let me break it down for you: if I take my pants off for you, you are special. Granted, during specific manic phases I’ve been known to show my nether-regions to people who are practically strangers, but those cases are few and far-between. If I let you get me off by penetrating me, you’re even cooler.
If I ask you to shove your fist in me, you are golden and I have established trust and communication with you. I will totally ask somebody I don’t love to fist me, but it feels so much better if I also love the person. It makes me feel incredibly connected to them, and that makes for a very arousing experience. It almost feels spiritual, even though I am not a spiritual or religious person.
The best thing about getting fisted is the emotional connection it can bring on (though not always). I can get off with two adept fingers (or a less adept penis, or an even less adept strap-on) for sure, but there’s something special about being spread-eagle on a bed and letting another person insert a rather large portion of their body in me. My junk is all out in the open, for their eyes to see. That’s hard for me to do as a trans person — let it all hang out.
And if I want a person’s fist in me, I want their eyes to look at me while they’re doing it. I want them to know what they are doing, and how I am reacting, and I want to know how they are reacting. Having a fist in me promotes communication. “Is this okay?” Those are magical words to me and get me even hotter.
Don’t even get me started with “Does this hurt?” Yes, it hurts and it is wonderful, and please, please do it harder.
To me fisting can be a very intimate act. There are a few moments when a chosen partner is working their hand into me, before it’s a fist, and the situation is all body language, eye contact, and verbal communication. It’s me letting go of myself, letting walls fall (because I have a great deal of anxiety around being touched in an even non-sexual context) and opening up (pun intended.) It’s knowing that I might ejaculate, and that might freak my partner out or embarrass me, so it’s also me letting myself be very, very vulnerable. Even just the act of saying, “Will you fist me?” puts me in a vulnerable position. They could say no, and then I could feel embarrassed about this little kink of mine.
Physically, it is amazing. I love getting fisted while being kissed. It’s the perfect set-up and it makes my body feel taken care of. And I know it sounds gross, and straight-up straight porn-ish, but I love feeling full. I like feeling as much of a person as I can, and them feeling me, and feeling a part of my body that most people aren’t allowed to go near. I like the communication surrounding how it feels for both parties; I like feeling safe enough to tell them when it hurts too much, or when it doesn’t hurt enough. I like being in control of when I’m ready for them to extract their fist so I can feel my body orgasm on its own, and I like having an orgasm when a fist is still in me, because there’s nothing hotter than muscles contracting and fixing a wonderfully stimulating hand where it’s at until things settle down.
I don’t know how it feels to be fisted as a woman. I wasn’t that adventurous when I was femaleidentified. I also don’t know how it feels to be anally fisted because my butt is off-limits. (And guys, I know the “Oops, wrong hole!” trick — don’t try it. I’m onto you.) I can only tell you what I know as a sensitive, slightly masochistic, and pervy transman. And I can tell you that it’s amazing and emotional, and if you really want to make me happy in bed, ask me if you can fist me. Because sometimes having to ask my partners all the time gets old.
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My roommate is a gay man who is into getting fisted. A lot. We were FWBs until he moved into my place, at which point we agreed it would be better for us to not have sex anymore. It’s worked out fine, and he’s been here for a year. Here’s the problem: About two years ago, he got into fisting and he has someone over every night to fist him. As soon as he comes home from work, he spends a good hour in the bathroom cleaning out, and then some guy comes over to fist him. Every single day. My roommate is a very attractive guy who doesn’t think he’s attractive at all. I’ve talked to him a few times about whether he’s being sexually compulsive, but he just laughs and says, “Well, you suck a lot of dick.” (I have a healthy but moderate sex life.) I am concerned that all this ass play is not healthy. As a friend, I want him to seek help for his sexual compulsion, his low self-esteem, and his social isolation. As a roommate, I am tired of all these strange men coming into my home and the high water bill. Frequent Insertions Sincerely Trouble Someone
“Fisting is a healthy and safe sexual activity so long as the participants are sober ,” said Dr. Peter Shalit, a physician and author who works with many gay men. “There is a misconception that fisting damages the anal sphincter, loosens it, and causes a loss of bowel control over time. This is absolutely false.”
Devin Franco, a gay porn star who’s been getting fisted on a weekly basis for many years, backs up Dr. Shalit. “People who are only used to vanilla intercourse are sometimes shocked,” said Franco. “People will leave comments on my videos asking if I was in pain, even though I’m clearly always enjoying it. Fisting is actually the most pleasurable sexual act I’ve ever experienced—and seven years in, no negative health consequences and everything down there works just fine, thanks.”
But exactly how does that work? How does someone like Franco get a fist and/or a ridiculously large sex toy in his butt?
“A skilled fisting bottom can voluntarily relax the anal sphincter in order to accommodate a hand up to the wrist or further,” explained Dr. Shalit. “A skilled fisting top knows how to insert their hand—it’s actually fingertips first, not a clenched fist—and how to do it gently, taking their time, and using lots of lube. And, again, after the session is over, the sphincter returns to its normal state.”
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Which is not to say that people haven’t injured themselves or others engaging in anal play with large sex toys, fists, or even perfectly average cocks—people most certainly have. That’s why it’s crucial to take things slow, use lots of lube, and go at it sober.
“Fisting isn’t for everyone,” said Dr. Shalit. “In fact, most people are unable to relax their sphincter in this fashion.”
But to figure out whether fisting is for you—to determine whether you’re one of those people who can relax their sphincter—first you gotta wanna, and then you gotta try.
“It actually took about two years for me,” said Franco. “That’s from the first time I did anal play thinking, ‘Maybe I can get his whole fist in there,’ to the first time I actually got a fist in my ass. Two years.”
And while fisting isn’t for everyone, FISTS, like Dr. Shalit said, it’s very clearly for your roommate. But enjoying the hell out of a particular sexual activity—even one that seems extreme to those who don’t enjoy it—isn’t by itself evidence of low self-esteem or sexual compulsion.
“If FISTS thinks his roommate has low self-esteem,” said Dr. Shalit, “he’s done the right thing by telling him he should seek help. But that’s the end of his responsibility. Whether or not his roommate seeks help is up to his roommate. And it’s hard for me to agree that his roommate is being sexually compulsive based on what’s in the letter. Many men have sex every day, and the roommate’s sex life doesn’t seem to have any negative consequences except that FISTS doesn’t like it.”
While Franco also doesn’t think getting fisted daily is proof that your roommate is out of control, fisting isn’t something he does every day. “Doing it daily sounds exhausting ,” he said. “The act requires a lot of physical exertion. I personally need a little recovery time between sessions. But I do know guys who do it every day—maybe not a fist every day, but they play with large toys every day. But I couldn’t and I don’t.”
All that said, FISTS, two of your cited reasons for not liking what your roommate is up to—strange men in and out of your apartment (and your roommate) and all that douching driving up your water bill—are legitimate complaints that you shouldn’t be shy about addressing.
“To not have a lot of strangers in and out of the apartment is a reasonable ask of a roommate,” said Dr. Shalit. “But if the roommate sees a steady stream of FISTS’s hookups coming over, it could seem like a double standard. And I suppose he could ask for extra help with the water bill, but I’m skeptical that ‘cleaning out’ for fisting would actually cause a significant increase in the bill.”
Dr. Shalit recommends Anal Pleasure & Health by Jack Morin to anyone who wants to learn more about anal intercourse, fisting, and other forms of anal play. “It’s the bible of anal sexuality,” said Dr. Shalit.
Follow Devin Franco on Twitter @devinfrancoxxx , and check out his work at justfor.fans/devinfrancoxxx .
My husband of nearly 20 years came out to me as bisexual about two months ago. He assured me he has no intention of looking outside our marriage for other sex partners. We’ve always had a kind of barrier sexually, and it seemed to fall away after he came out. We’ve since done all manner of things, including my using a dildo on him. (Thanks for all the tips over the years about anal!) It has been a fun and empowering experience overall. There is one thing I am having trouble with. He mentioned that he’d like me to peg him using a strap-on. I mean, of course he would, right? He’d like to actually feel my body against his. That would doubtless make the whole experience better for him. But I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around it. Does this require me, even if temporarily, to change my body? I’m feeling really vulnerable and insecure about it, like it means there’s something wrong with my body. I get panicky just thinking about it. (My husband has not done or said anything to make me feel bad about my body.) Using the dildo is no big thing, and I don’t understand why this feels so different and difficult. Pegging Feels Different
You don’t have to do anything about this right now, PFD. Your husband only came out to you as bisexual two months ago! Your husband’s honesty pulled down that barrier you’d always sensed but could never name, and that’s wonderful and exciting. And you’re already exploring anal penetration with him on the receiving end, which is something many straight men also enjoy. If covering your genitals temporarily with a strap-on makes you feel awkward or unwanted, you don’t have to do it—not now, not ever. But I can’t imagine you think there’s something wrong with the bodies of lesbians who use strap-ons with their female partners, just as you don’t seem to think holding a dildo means there’s something wrong with (or inadequate about) your hands. If covering your vulva with a strap-on makes you feel negated or undesirable, there are dildo harnesses that strap on to your thigh, not your crotch, and could provide your husband with body-to-body closeness during penetration while still leaving your vulva and clit accessible for digital stimulation.
On the Lovecast , are people actually using dental dams? (Spoiler: No.) mail@savagelove.net Follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage ITMFA.org
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