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Mom knows best! Except when she doesn't...according to "judgy" people.
In honor of the recent release of A Bad Moms Christmas , the comedy sequel starring Kristen Bell , Mila Kunis and Kathryn Hahn , we asked some real moms to share parenting stories that prove that mothers are only human. And some are damn genius.
1. Holy... "I left my youngest daughter at church one Sunday! Got about 3 minutes away and ask my two other girls how Sunday School was! They answered and I said 'Tess how about you?' My oldest said 'Tess isn't here!' Needless to say I made a U-turn and raced back to church only to find sweet Tess standing all alone on the sidewalk with her purse and Bible!"
2. There Are No "Bad Words": "Bad words are not bad words, they are 'adult words' and since we are adults, we get to use them whenever we want, and so will she when she is old enough. Every couple months we let her pick one to say, in private, whatever one she wants. You know what she picks? Stupid. And she giggles after she says it and never repeats us or gets in trouble for using "adult words". It's the best rule I've ever come up with."
3. Well, F--k: "When my little sister was younger, she couldn't say the word 'truck,' she would say 'f--k.' Whenever we were at Toys 'R Us, our mom would say 'What toy do you want?!' really loud just so she would say 'A f--k! I want a f--k!' She just thought it was so funny."
4. Happy Halloween: "I can't take my kids trick-or-treating without some 'mom juice' in my cup, but this year some of it spilled in my son's bucket when he asked me hold his candy and I was trying to steal a piece. When I came home to check his candy I had to clean it off and throw a bunch of "infected" pieces away because the whole bucket reeked of wine."
5. Mommy Needs Her Sleep: "When I don't want to hear my daughter in the middle of the night I just turn the monitor off. She usually figures it out."
6. Mommy Really Needs Her Sleep: "I pretend to still be asleep every Saturday morning when my 20 month old runs into our bedroom, gets two inches away from my face, puts her hand on my cheeks and says "Mommy? Mommy?Good morning Mommy?" It's an Academy Award worthy fake pretend sleep act I put on until she runs off.. we are slowly teaching her the single most important rule in our house—that this mom gets to sleep in on the weekends!"
7. I See a Teacher Gawking at Me: "When my son's state report was not accepted because the teacher said it was 15 minutes late (don't mind that everyone in my house was sick that morning!) I charged into her 5th grade classroom after school and proceeded to tell her many things that generally don't come out of my mouth. Everyone around could hear. The principal called me and asked me not to return to campus."
8. BRB, Calling Jessica Simpson: "I would tell my daughters that tuna was chicken for years so they would eat it. They didn't learn it was fish until they were old enough to learn from friends at school."
9. Oops: "I accidentally locked my son in the car with the keys, when both my dog and cat were in there and he wasn't in his car seat. Luckily the windows were cracked enough to open the door after 20 min. It wasn't hot or anything but just funny because he was climbing all around the car."
10. Elf on a Shelf: "My nephew found his elf on a shelf in my sisters bedroom drawer in the middle of summer and asked why he was there. My brother in law thought quickly and told my nephew that Santa heard he was being naughty at school so the elf came to check on him."
11. Grape or Cherry? "I've given my kids Tylenol to help them fall asleep."
12. "George Knew Just What To Do! ... and Lived Happily Ever After": "There's always the classic skipping a few pages when reading them a bed time story just to finish sooner."
13. Genius Mom: "I buy chocolate mint ice cream because I know our boys don't like it, and I won't have to share any with them."
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One of the most overlooked and underrated of private times just might be shower time.
Mothers have virtually no privacy, especially in the first few years when the youngest hasn’t been ushered off to school just yet. Little snippets of alone time are therefore precious and must be spent wisely: Baby’s nap time which can also double as mom’s nap time. Those precious days when hubby offers to look after the kids, or when they can manage to find a good babysitter. Weekends where the kids may be dropped off to their doting grandparents. But one of the most overlooked and underrated of private times just might be shower time.
Indeed, without knowing it, moms do all sorts of things in the shower. Things that they may or may not share freely with family and friends. Things that their family and friends might consider too much information, even. But that doesn’t stop mom from putting her hair down – both literally and figuratively – when she enters that magical realm. In fact, a shower isn’t just a hygiene thing. It’s an experience . Mom might as well make it a good one.
We’ve asked moms from all over about all the secret and not-so-secret things that they do in the shower. And the answers range from unsurprising to shocking to borderline controversial. But don’t worry! All those secrets are safe with us. And if they made it to this list, do take heart that there are many, many more mothers who do exactly the same thing. Each of us can therefore feel a little less alone in our weirdness, even when we’re locked away in the solitude of the bathroom.
Let’s start with the obvious. Because who are we kidding? Practically everyone has peed in the shower or they’re lying about it. But moms, more so, because when one has got a preschooler, a toddler and a baby to worry about, who has time to bother getting out of the shower and sitting on the toilet? Definitely not mom. She’ll pee in the power proudly and if anyone has a problem with it, they’ll have to go ahead and do the dishes. For a month. Of course, she’s not obliged to tell anybody, either.
Seriously, though, the shower is the perfect place to release that bladder. The gentle splash of water stimulates the senses. Besides, moms are often used to holding in their pee as they juggle child care, work and chores. Sometimes shower time is pretty much the only time they remember that they’ve got a full bladder. And we don’t blame ‘em.
Did you know that the average woman loses up to 100 strands of hair in a day? And given that she has to do quite a lot of hair action in the shower, chances are that a good number of them will fall off while she’s in there. So what’s a mom to do? Some will let them fall off and pick them up from the drain when they’re done. Or just leave it there for their partner to pick up themselves.
Yet others just won’t do that. They pee on the floor , after all. And touching all the fallen hair involves touching pee. Indirectly, at least. Sometimes, therefore, mom opts to just hand comb all the loose strands out of her hair and stick it to the wall for safekeeping. That way, she can just scrape it off and dump it into the trashcan and nobody will ever know. Unless, of course, she forgets that it’s there.
Ever take a shower and just wonder what’s going on down there? Well, many women have! After all, the vag is a cave of wonders hidden so down under that it’s not exactly something that mom sees on a regular basis. So while in the shower, mom just might opt to pick up that handheld mirror and take a look at what’s down there. You know, to just inspect the goods.
Sometimes, mom might also be experiencing itchiness or some weird discharge. And she just wants to assess the damage. After all, she doesn’t want her OB-Gyne to see it first. No, sir. She wants to premiere tickets to what’s going on in her panties. Yet other moms do so shortly after childbirth to take a peek at any little tears or – worst case scenario – how the episiotomy is healing up. And after all that, might be a good idea to give it a good, satisfying wash.
Speaking of the vag, one of the major downsides of having one is the mess. There is, of course, the much-dreaded period. That much-despised time of the month that, in the worst of cases, can make a woman scream bloody murder. And whether mom uses tampons, pads or menstrual cups, sometimes a little bit of leakage just happens. Sometimes the flow might come unexpectedly. And when that happens, those nice panties that she bought with her last paycheck will get all stained and gross.
But it isn’t only during those ungodly days that mom might get some funny stuff on her panties. Vaginal discharge comes in all consistencies and colors, some of them more desirable than the others. But whether the discharge is a bad omen or a sign of great sexual health, it’s not exactly something that mom wants in her underwear. And what better time to scrub it all off is as soon as possible, in the shower.
Sometimes a mom just has to multitask. The moment she steps out of that bathroom, the kids will be all over her. Asking for a snack. Whining loudly about where mom put the pet rock. Telling on the toddler for taking more than his fair share of cookies. So many moms figure that they ought to do everything they can while they’re in there. Because it will be a while before she manages to calm the house down enough to go back in there again. And so mom might opt to scrub the shower walls spic and span. Hey, she might even save water of she can use the runoff to wash whatever mold or debris she’s dug up between the tiles.
Therefore, take very good care to inspect the bathroom before complaining that mom takes too long in the shower. If it’s sparkling clean, better just zip your mouth lest you face her wrath.
Since time in the shower is precious time alone, mom might sometimes be tempted to just take a nice nap while she’s in there. This can range from a tame sitting-on-the-toilet nap to an exhausted leaning-on-the-shower-wall one to an I’ve-given-up-on-life lying-on-the-bathroom-floor one. Those who do this often find that naps in the shower are oddly relaxing. It filters out the sound of the outdoors. (Unless, of course, the preschooler is banging on the bathroom door because he needs to poo in the toilet.) Besides, the good old self-massage that an average shower involves can definitely bring a sort-of inner peace in spite of the chaos of the outside world.
And if mom feels guilty about these somnolent escapades, she needn’t be! Quite a number of people have openly admitted that they do, in fact, take naps in the shower. Some time ago, a German company created a horizontal shower designed for napping. That’s Germanic efficiency for you!
When the mother-in-law makes a snide statement, or when that helicopter parent in your kid’s ballet class, or when that rude old neighbor takes a jab at you, don’t you just wish you had the perfect comeback prepared? The kind that just begs the meme “apply cold water to burned area”? Well, some of us just aren’t gifted in this very exclusive field. And most tragically, we often think of these witty comebacks well after the opportunity presents itself. Just before we go to sleep. And, yes, in the shower.
Many times, mom goes into an internal monologue with the imagined offender, throwing at it all the comebacks she can think of. And mentally watch them squirm in discomfort. Some of these comebacks, however, may not be appropriate nor, sometimes, effective in real life. Therefore, sometimes it’s better off that what is thought of in the shower stays in the shower. After all, mom can simply deal with the offender with her killer smile.
Let’s face it, motherhood can take its toll on a woman’s mental health. And so, sometimes, even when shower time affords mom some good old peace and quiet, instead of finding her inner Buddha she ends up with little demons of thoughts nagging her. They can range from “you’re not a good enough mother” to “are you sure you’re pleasing your husband in bed?” to “what is the meaning of life, the universe, everything?”. And this can, no doubt, be a terrible consequence of the silence of the shower. After all, when the anxiety gets drowned out, sometimes the depression can kick in.
Although for some moms, all these uncomfortable thoughts disappear the moment she exits the shower. No harm done. For yet others, the thoughts may persist. And it’s at this point that we figure that she ought to look for a good therapist. Or a counsellor. Might take some good old Freudian digging to help her cope with the challenges of motherhood!
Many men will agree that there’s something strangely sexy about a woman who is wet. And we’re not talking about down there. Think water nymph, frolicking around in a river. Or a Grecian goddess bathing in a fountain. But who says men are the only people who can appreciate the appeal of a woman drenched in water. Yes, so, too, can women all over the world. And they don’t have to be lesbian or bi to do so either!
Women have confessed that they often take a step out of the shower to admire their reflection in the mirror. Perhaps subtly cover the breasts with their long hair, or do a little pout for full effect. It’s a shame that a cellphone isn’t available for that sexy selfie. And because mom looks super attractive in the mirror, it can be awfully hard for her not to fall in love with her own self!
During certain times of the month, it’s not just pee that flows down mom’s legs and onto the shower floor. If mom is on her period, there will be times when she’ll just want to stand in the shower and let all the uterine juices flow. After all, seldom is there any opportunity for her lady bits to be wild and free. All while clean water washes all the blood off instantly. In fact, it can be quite satisfying, watching the pink, diluted menstrual blood with occasional flecks of uterine tissue. Men wouldn’t want to see it, sure. But for a woman, it can look like catharsis.
On a related note, YouTube star Tyler Oakley recently tweeted about getting a bloody nose in the shower. He said that it was “alarming” to look on down at his body and “see blood everywhere”. To which, of course, led to his lady fans congratulating him on his womanhood. Nice.
In public, popping pimples is a disgusting habit that most people will crinkle their noses at. But in private, however, those pesky zits are fair game. And in the shower, it’s hunting season. After all, popping pimples is just one of the things that is just so oddly satisfying, no matter what we say about it. The nice, popping sensation when the pimple bursts. The release of pressure, flowing out as bloo
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