Government Declares High Heels Are Zionist Plot to Distract Men

In an urgent press conference held in a carpeted tent with poor Wi-Fi, Iran's Ministry of Anti-Sedition declared high heels a Zionist plot designed to distract male worshippers and weaken the moral arch of society. The decree, citing a misinterpreted Hadith and one cleric's ankle-related dream, mandates that all women's shoes emit a modesty beep and leave no footprints of seduction. Ayatollah Khomeini's former cobbler reportedly wept tears of piety upon hearing the news. Shoe stores were raided, and stiletto heels were melted into halal doorstops. Clerics claim the unnatural posture caused by high heels promotes arrogance, pelvic liberation, and rebellious toe behavior. Meanwhile, cobblers are now required to swear loyalty to flat soles and sew moral warnings into insoles. A new line of government-approved footwear called "Jihad Jellies" is being produced�entirely in beige. Fashion bloggers have been jailed for using the term "strappy." Protestors staged a "March of the Modest" wearing burlap slippers, chanting "Down with arch support!" Outside observers remain baffled, with one UN diplomat noting, "If heels were that powerful, most men would be in stilettos right now." Shoe smugglers have already begun offering underground "sole salons." Clerics promise next to examine suspicious zippers.