Good Sex Vs Great Sex
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Good Sex Vs Great Sex
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People love to say, "Sex is like pizza. Even if it's done bad, it's still good." And then everyone laughs/applauds/retweets/whatever because people love to remind those around them that they love sex and pizza so much. Personally, I've fucked some real garbage-ass pizza, but the point stands: consensual sex is pretty much always good, because you're having sex. But there are some things that just make it that much better. Here's what it takes to go from "eh" to "AH!".
1. Chemistry . Okay, I hear you: "duh." But this is arguably the most important aspect of great sex. You've got to be into it. You've got to want it bad enough. Sex without chemistry is like eating a bunch of pieces of white bread for lunch: you're just doing it to satiate a physiological response, but the act isn't exactly pleasurable.
2. Trying not to feel self-conscious. It's only awkward if you let it be awkward. And although the most intimate possible experience two (or more) people can have together is a potential awkward minefield, anyone who can roll with the punches and recover from A) strange bodily sounds, and B) strange bodily fluids, is the type of person you want to have sex with.
3. Really feeling like your partner cares about your pleasure. You can tell when your partner isn't into it. If they act like they aren't getting anything out of it, that's an immediate boner-killer. But if you're both enthusiastic and legitimately want to see the other person get off, that alone can make for great sex, regardless of your technique or experience.
4. Foreplay. For some people, it's more about the journey more than the destination. Typically, that journey involves a detour into oral sex town. Plus, the longer you make out for, the more anticipation, and a slow build to sex is like a volcano erupting, except if lava was something awesome that didn't kill you instead of lava. I guess in this simile, the lava is cum.
5. Discovering something new. This won't happen every time you have sex, but whenever you discover something new you're into, that's great sex. Whether you try it together, or your partner introduces you to scarves and blindfolds, learning "Hey, this turns me on" is awesome.
6. A partner who gets them hot. No, this is not the same as a "hot partner." This should go without saying, and yet... it's important to have a partner you're into physically, not just mentally. You need both! Sometimes it's nice just to grab someone who seriously turns you on and not really worry about whether or not you agree on parenting strategies.
7. Raw animal lust. Instead of embracing the fun, awkward, messy side of sex, it's like your bodies are two machines designed explicitly for boning each other. It's the kind of sex that feels like it does in the movies, all photogenic and beautiful. The kind of sex where if someone walked in on you two having sex, it'd make that person question everything they knew about sex. They'd wonder if they'd been doing it all wrong.
8. Natural communication. Whether you just met or you've been having sex for years, having an immediate understanding of what the other person wants is huge. It's what wins teams titles and it's what keeps sexual partners from having to stop sex to explain, "here, move you leg like this... no, like this... this... just put it here." Of course, sometimes those explainers are necessary, and you should always be explicit about what you want, but the best sex feels spontaneous and natural.
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At the beginning of most relationships, we’re kinda on cruise control and not trying to worry about too much—but after a couple of months we cross that threshold and start to wonder, “is this it , or is it just sex?” It’s all too easy to delude yourself into thinking a mind-blowing physical relationship equals a romance for the ages, but it’s also natural to want to look for signs that your partner wants more than sex.
So how do you separate the two? We talked to two relationship experts to help you discern if your current hookup is in it for the chemistry, or for keeps.
It’s Just Sex: Does he say he wants you all the time and he’s constantly blowing up your phone? Hate to break it to you, but you’re his hotline bling. “He’s always trying to see you, but never makes plans to do anything outside the bedroom, because he only wants to see you in the bedroom,” says Dr. Sonjia Kenya , a certified sexologist and author of Sex in South Beach. See, it could only mean one thing.
It’s Love: If he’s asking you to go to a museum, a concert, or even an impromptu weekend away, that shows a deeper interest. “Unlike last-minute ‘Netflix-and-chill’ texts, planning ahead shows he’s making you a priority,” says Kenya. Translation? You’re in his thoughts even when you’re not in his sheets.
It’s Just Sex: He may be enthusiastic about going down on you, but don’t think it’s a selfless act, dating coach Hunt Ethridge says. “Getting someone all hot and bothered is a total turn-on! Plus, an intelligent guy knows that the hotter you get, the likelihood of sex increases.” And beware—if he’s spending the night, it could just mean he’s hoping for morning sex, too.
It’s Love: Instead of calculating how often he goes down on you, pay attention to his willingness to cuddle. Guys will be into snuggling with someone they’re into. “If he is comfortable after the deed is done and doesn’t want to jump out of the bed right away, he’s likely got feelings for you,” Ethridge says.
It’s Just Sex: In the midst of your bedroom aerobics, he starts rattling off compliments like “I love your body” or “You feel so good!” which could make it seem like he’s concerned about your pleasure. But not so fast—he’s talking about your body, not you. “He’s often asking because when he knows he is making you feel good, it also boosts his ego and reassures him that he’s a good lover,” Kenya says. Likewise, if he just talks about your physical appearance and not your personality traits, that’s a red flag.
It’s Love: Whether inside or outside of the bedroom, if he’s complimenting you on things other than your body, that’s a good sign. So instead of raving about how good you look naked, or how pretty you are in that new mascara, he compliments you on the brilliant article you wrote or the dinner you made, Kenya says. Bonus points if he makes a positive remark on your character, like “I love how you help your friends out when they’re down in the dumps.”
It’s Just Sex: Sure, passionate kisses during sex are great, but if that’s the ONLY time he’s doing it, check your relationship status. When things are getting hot and heavy, guys just do what feels good, says Ethridge. “There’s no brainpower left for men at this point to do things for any reason other than pleasure,” he admits.
It’s Love: He’s kissing you just for the sake of kissing you even knowing the makeout session won’t lead to sex. Better yet, he’s kissing and holding your hand while out in public—the ultimate PDA. Our experts agree that this shows he wants the world to know you’re his S.O.
It’s Just Sex: You’re able to finish every time—good for you—just don’t let that oxytocin-filled head of yours confuse an orgasm with love. It’s great if your lover can please you THAT much, but sometimes people’s bodies vibe together without much effort. “The smartest guy in the room will know that the more you make her climax, the more she’ll want to see you again,” says Ethridge. We can’t argue there.
It’s Love: Pleasing you is his priority and we don’t mean just under the sheets. He wants to see you happy elsewhere—and everywhere. That means he’s going out of his way to do little things for you, like picking up your dry cleaning without asking, or buying your favorite kind of ice cream, because your happiness is his ultimate satisfaction. Says Kenya: “Sexual satisfaction won’t make or break a relationship. It’s the stuff that happens outside the bedroom that makes a relationship fail, or thrive.”
Originally published February 2016. Updated May 2017.
StyleCaster is a part of Penske Media Corporation. © 2022 SheMedia, LLC. All Rights Reserved.
Lindsay Geller
Lindsay Geller is the Love & Life Editor at Women’s Health, specializing in entertainment news and culture coverage.
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Because there is no one-size-f*cks-all definition.
"Pizza is like sex. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good." I heard that joke at least a dozen times in high school and even more in college (turns out, teenagers have a lot of free time to talk about sex when they’re not having it). And, like high heels, I’m almost positive that this saying was invented by a man. Because if you're wondering what makes for "good sex," comparing it to an almost universally liked food is...pretty much meaningless.
As someone who's had their fair share of both good and bad sex (long overdue apologies to my college self), I now know that "great sex" can mean different things and that there's no one-size-f*cks-all definition.
"Sex involves our most intimate, personal thoughts and feelings," says Marianne Brandon, PhD. And those change over time, through experience, and from partner to partner. "Good sex isn’t a cognitive experience; it’s an emotional and sensation-based experience precipitated by some type of intimate connection," Brandon adds. "It offers us an encounter with our deepest selves via powerful physical and emotional feelings, such as aliveness, vitality, connection, and pleasure."
That's why, no matter how long you've been knocking boots with your beau, no sexual experience—good or bad—is ever exactly the same.
Truth is, good sex boils down to what is good for you and your partner(s) atm. That said (and as you'll soon see), there are some general tenets of good sex: honest communication , mutual respect, and fun—across ages, sexual orientations, and relationship statuses.
But don’t just take my word—take it from the 25 real women who know good sex when they feel it.
There is something so out-of-this-world good about having such a deep connection and love for someone else that your bodies sort of act as one during sex. And when you have that level of comfort in your relationship, you can also be open and honest about experimenting with new positions, toys, and techniques, which only adds to the pleasure. Having a partner who is giving and in tune with you is a must for great sex." —Hillary R.
...The best sex I ever had was in my college roommate's bed—oops—because a friend was in my bed and we were too horny to wait for her to leave. It lasted so long, but neither of us were complaining. My roommate ended up walking in—again, oops—but the sex felt so good, we couldn't stop. It was unexpected and risky...the best kind." —Sara S., 33
...To me, good sex is all about being present in the moment. There's nothing quite like feeling like you're 100% there with your partner and they're 100% there with you. But if I can toss in a few other adjectives, I'd have to go with curiosity and playfulness. Curiosity about exploring new things and being open to what that experience could be like. And playfulness because I think most of us have the tendency to take sex way. Too. Seriously. Sometimes! I love when I can just let loose and be my goofball self in the bedroom." — Vanessa Marin
What I've realized is that safety and communication are paramount for me. With my current partner, we spent months talking before we actually even had sex. I had never done this before—I was very much like, 'Let's do it ASAP'—but talking about my likes and dislikes for a while and trusting my partner means that I'm having the best sex I've ever had right now. Even if you don't wanna wait that long, I feel like waiting a few dates and then talking about what you like in bed before having sex can be really hot." —Carolina H.
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