Good Orgy

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Good Orgy
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Yes, there was a minimum penis length requirement.
I’ve been to swinger clubs. I’ve had threesomes. I’ve met people at clubs, bars, bookstores, professional networking events, concerts, and sports events, and had sex with them minutes later. I’ve had masters and Doms to serve sexually. It's fair to say I’ve dabbled in almost everything. Until I met Mara, the one thing that was missing from my sex life was a true kindred spirit. I never had a female friend with whom I could, without hesitation, divulge all of my sexual exploits and in turn hear stories that matched mine. She and I met at a swinger party, and we’ve been friends ever since.
One night over drinks, I asked Mara what she would want to do if she could arrange a real-life sexual fantasy for herself. The answer spilled from her lips before I could complete my sentence. It was as though she was reading my mind.
“Let’s set up our own orgy.” she said. Her eyes were wide with delight. We realized we owed this to ourselves: We'd both had way too many group sex experiences in our past that had gone horribly wrong. Immediately, we began discussing the details of our ideal scenario together. Not too many men, no more than three or four. We agreed on a minimum penis length and girth: over 8 inches long, and at least 5 1/2 inches in width. We talked about desired height, build, and age range of the men we might invite. We both decided that we didn’t need more women because we wanted to be stars in our own fantasy.
We compared notes and exchanged the photos of their faces, bodies, and penises.
After comparing schedules, we picked a Saturday night that was 2 1/2 weeks away. We posted ads on sites that are synonymous with hookups and casual sex. Over the next several days, Mara and I screened profiles and replies fastidiously. It was easy to eliminate those who didn’t qualify: Too young. Too old. Too arrogant. Too eager. Too apprehensive. The domineering. The micromanagers. The mansplainers. All of these guys were dropped from the list of prospects in an instant. If either of us said, “Not that guy,” we deleted him, no questions asked. We listened for enthusiastic respect for our limits: Condoms are required (why does this need to be stated at all?), no slapping or rough play, be considerate of others, don’t monopolize any one position, person, or space. We eliminated men who seemed to be selfish and uncooperative. The men who were clearly turned on by being part of a group moved to the top of the list.
As we compared notes and exchanged the photos of their faces, bodies, and penises, we couldn't believe how much we enjoyed this opportunity to script our own fantasy. The process made me realize that it was up to me and no one else to replace the countless sub-par, half-hearted, boring, monotonous sexual experiences of my past with exactly what I wanted. There are countless willing, eager men out there, so why not use this to my advantage and craft a real-life fantasy for myself and my friend? In so many aspects of my life, I default to the pleasure of others first. My boss, my friends, my family all have needs that I (willingly) place ahead of mine all the time; this one night would be all about me.
When the big night finally arrived, we checked into the hotel and made sure the room was conducive to a small group having sex together. We booked a king suite with a large sitting area so there were other places to sit, lie, straddle, and rest in addition to the bed. We rearranged the lamps so there was just enough, but not too much light. We asked for extra towels and bed linens. We put condoms and small bottles of lube on both night stands. Mara and I got scantily but sexily dressed, moisturized, made up, and ready.
I turned around to kiss her and felt three different hands on my body.
The men arrived almost exactly on time. We asked them to sit on the couch. Mara and I sat on the bed and chatted with them as I started lightly touching her. My fingertips swept her shoulders and the top of her back, then I traced her spine with one hand and I asked them if they wanted feel how soft her skin felt. I watched to see who rose first knowing that most likely, he would be our leading man. Mara moved close to me and guided my body so my back was to her. She slid her hands from my butt to the center of my back and unhooked my bra. I turned around to kiss her and felt three different hands on my body. For the next hour, they followed our lead. She and I took turns asking each other if we wanted to try certain things.
“Do you want to get on top of him now?” I asked. “Should you take a turn with two of them at the same time?” she said as she smiled at me. “I think you’d like how he feels inside you,” I said as I stopped to get another condom and motioned for her to come closer.
The evening ended with everything checked off of our secret sex bucket list: double penetration, double blow jobs, vaginal sex with all three of them (for each of us), kissing, fondling, licking, and orgasms for and on behalf of both of us. Mara and I were happily exhausted and wrapped in a loose embrace across the bed while the men took turns freshening up in the bathroom. They left together after thanking us for allowing them to be part of our evening.
The empowerment we felt was startling. We knew that an orgy or any type of casual group sex might not be every woman’s fantasy, but we thought about our other girlfriends and wondered if they had ever orchestrated an evening like this on their own terms. We wondered why we hadn’t done this sooner, whether on our own or together. I told Mara that this one evening inspired me to take more action in other areas of life. If I could make a fantasy come true, what else was I capable of? What else could I carefully plan and plot and execute for myself?
That orgy changed my perspective of myself for the better. Instead of saying “I wish I could,” I find myself thinking about how I can make things happen. Since then, I stopped passively putting up with the coworkers I can’t stand and I now make efforts to make my boundaries clear. I picked out the new paint for my bedroom and living room, and hired a painter instead of waiting for someone to help me.
Even though I experienced sex in groups at swinger clubs before, this was the first time I didn’t leave it up to timing and chance. And it taught me that I have a lot more control and creativity than I realized. Maybe I didn’t need to plan an orgy in order to gain this new perspective, but what could be better than choosing a sexual fantasy and making it come to life? If I could do this, what’s stopping me from accomplishing anything else?

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Is Boggle night getting a little stale? Spice up your social life with a good, old-fashioned orgy!
Graphic : Karl Gustafson (Images: Shutterstock)
There’s nothing new about sex parties. Bonobos have been holding orgies since before people even existed, and the earliest evidence of human group sex dates back to cave people attending Neolithic fertility festivals. Sex parties were an annual springtime tradition in ancient Egypt, and don’t get me started about how the Greeks and Romans got down, those kinky motherfuckers.
If you’ve decided to join this grand tradition, good for you; but before you send a group invite to your astronomy club, there are some special considerations for hosting this type of ‘do.
I talked to a couple of OG orgy-heads—veteran adult industry journalist Gram Ponante and certified intimacy educator and event organizer Stella Harris —to get the scoop on hosting your very own neighborhood bacchanal. These two have organized dozens of the kinds of parties I never get invited to: orgies, sex parties, near-sex parties, and other outré expressions of sensuality and group identity.
Any party is only as good as its guests, but an orgy has requirements a Kentucky Derby party does not. As the host, it’s your responsibility to keep your guests safe, and to make them happy. So don’t scrawl your address on a bathroom wall or invite all your Facebook friends; you have to be discerning. This is probably not the time to find out if you vibe with someone new. Instead, make sure anyone you invite is within your social circle of trust.
“At house parties…you’re generally only there if you’ve been vouched for by somebody. You’re either a friend of the host, or you’re the date of a friend of the host. So at least one or two people have already vouched for your ability to handle this kind of space,” Harris said.
Harris advises carefully considering the personalities and reputations of anyone you invite: “You want to think about what you know about folks. First, are they even game for this sort of thing? If so, how do genders and sexualities align? Because you want there to be people for everybody to play with...Who are the people who are good, clear communicators? Who are the people you know to be good at consent? Who shows up on time; who follows through with others’ requests?”
Ponante points out that the crowd at his sexy Saturnalias are surprisingly diverse. “There’s a through-line that goes through the type of people who would attend a sex party. For lack of a better term, it is shame-resistance,” he said. “When you get a group of people who don’t necessarily feel constricted by shame as much, it’s not necessarily an indicator of what part of the racial, economic, or political spectrum they might be part of.”
Keep the guest list small, especially if the idea is to have a truly shared experience. “A sex party is almost never an actual free-for-all,” Harris explains. “I would say you can have maybe up to five people, if you want just a pile of bodies all doing things with each other.” More than quintet, and they’ll probably break up into smaller groups, just like people socializing at clothing-mandatory parties.
Do not invite anyone to a sex party who doesn’t know it’s a sex party. Don’t throw a regular dinner party that you hope will turn into an orgy—that shit only works in porn movies. And be straight with your guests about what they can expect right from the start.
“You need to make sure that everybody understands what they’re signing up for, and that starts with the event invitation,” Harris said. “You tell people, like, ‘Hey, friends, maybe this sounds a little strange, but I’m throwing a sexy party, and you’re invited.’”
If you’re anything like me, many of your friends are squares who would balk at attending an orgy—it’s a little intimidating, after all. If that’s the case, Harris suggests an intermediate step between party-party and orgy: A sexy party as opposed to a full-on sex party. “If it’s beginners, and you’re getting folks used to a sexy space, it’s really helpful to have it be an introductory event,” Harris said. “Like, ‘we’re going to watch porn together,’ or ‘we’re going to read erotica together.’”
Unless you’ve attended one, your concept of an orgy is probably based on pop culture portrayals of the practice. According to my group-sex-experts, those depictions are wildly inaccurate: It’s not going to be like a porn movie, and it’s not going to be like Eyes Wide Shut .
“The pornification of sex parties is really a Hague-level crime, a U.N.-level crime,” Ponante told me. “I’ve had porn stars at my parties, and if you watch one of their sex party porn movies, then see how they behave at an actual sex party, it’s night and day. You don’t have people screaming and just crying out at an orgy. The way some porn movies depict these things, they’re deadly serious; but in real life, they’re actually fun. People laugh.”
Once the most charming cads and dashing reprobates in your contact list have RSVPed to your dream sex party, it’s time to get down to specifics: The food, the drinks, and the theme.
Like any party, you should provide your guests with food, but when creating your orgy menu, keep the specific needs and activities of a group-grope in mind. Don’t go with a big pot of chili, for instance.
“If you’re not careful, everybody just brings dessert,” Harris jokes. “It’s kind of a running joke that there are always snacks, and that people do not always think through what foods go well with sex. You want things that are not too messy, more like finger foods style…You definitely need to have proteins and energy foods.”
“We did catered bacon-wrapped something, or other little bits of protein. Nothing garlicky, nothing too dairy. Individually wrapped things, no deli platters or anything like that,” Ponante added.
Whether to provide or allow drugs or booze at a sex party is ultimately up to the host/the law but should be approached with caution. Mind-altering substances can loosen people up, but can also blur boundaries.
“You try not to mix a lot of drugs and a lot of alcohol with orgies,” Ponante said. “One, because there’s a performance issue, and two, because there can be a consent issue… I did white wine once. Because everybody thinks that’s a chick drink. But white wine will give you a nice little buzz and it won’t stain your teeth.”
Whether you want to have a specific theme for your party beyond “it’s going to be a freaking orgy !” really depends on who you roll with. If your friends are into Ren Faires, maybe a Medieval theme would be fun (although, if you’re friends with Ren Faire people, you probably don’t need any help planning an orgy). If you hang with historians, maybe a Roman orgy theme would work?
A final note: No matter the libations or decor, clean your house well. Hire a maid if you’re lazy. No one wants to get down in a pigsty.
Genteel, decorous party hosting may be something of a lost art, but, weirdly, the 1950s-era skill-set of greeting your guests warmly and making them feel welcome is vital to a successful orgy.
“The host should welcome everybody, reiterating whatever the ground rules are for that event, and that would maybe be the way you handle communication and consent,” Harris said.
“I hung out with [a porn star who shall remain nameless] for a little while, who helped me host a couple of these parties. She would go talk to the shy guys, and I would talk to the shy women, but we’d both be available for same-sex reassurance, too,” Ponante said. “I’m talking to the girls to say, ‘Hey, thanks for grooving.’ We would just make everybody as comfortable as possible.”
Try to avoid leaving socially awkward people alone, unless that’s what they want. Both Harris and Ponante suggested the possibility of pairing up greenhorns with experienced hands.
Breaking the ice is vital to a sex party. Don’t wait for your guests to get to know one another and/or get busy: You’re the host and you need to be the catalyst. Both Harris and Ponante suggested a group introduction. This serves a dual purpose—it makes your guests more comfortable, and puts things on a schedule.
“You might say, people can arrive up until 9 p.m., we’re going to mingle, have snacks, cocktails, whatever, until 10 p.m. And then at 10 p.m., the opening circle starts,” Harris said.
At Harris’ parties, the circle is when everyone says their names, their pronouns, maybe their sexuality, and what they hope to get out of the evening. You could also have guests tell you their STI and relationship status, their safety needs, and really any information you think would be relevant to you and other guests.
If your party is for experienced libertines, everyone is going to know the deal, but newbs might need a little help. Harris suggested a variation on the ancient sexy game “spin the bottle.”
“I realize it sounds ridiculous, but spin the bottle is an incredibly good icebreaker,” Harris says, “My group plays an updated consent-focused version of the game. When you land on somebody, you propose something, and they can accept your proposal or make a counter-proposal. So, instead of being pressured to kiss someone, it’s a little practice negotiation, So, I could land on somebody and say, ‘Hey, how about a kiss?’, and they say, ‘Actually, I’d prefer a hug,’ So people learn how to have that little back and forth.”
If you’ve been invited to an orgy, you should feel good about yourself—someone thinks you can handle yourself and/or handle others—but make sure you only attend with the right attitude. Openness to new experiences is good, as is confidence. Sex-positivity is a given. Creepiness is a definite non-starter.
For newcomers, Harris stresses the importance of going in without a specific goal in mind, so you won’t end up disappointed. “You are better off thinking, ‘I’m going to get my feet wet. I’m going to get a sense for this,’” she says. “You’re better off framing it like, ‘Oh, my gosh, I can’t believe I was invited to an orgy, and I get to see all these hot people getting it on!’ That’s already a win. So offer people snacks or pass the lube bottle.”
According to Ponante, another key guest attribute is confidence. “Not braggadocio or anything like that,” he said, “but the understanding that you’re supposed to be there. You got tested, or you answered the right questions on the form... Don’t hide your light under a bushel.”
“Be prepared to go slow,” Harris said. “Be prepared to watch, at least for the first part of the evening, and get a sense for the culture or vibe of this group of people.”
According to Harris, it’s important to scope out how guests are handling communications, and what the rules, norms, and activities of the party are. It’s also important to have a deeper idea of sex than our puritanical culture often provides and a healthy respect for the other guests.
“Just because somebody has come to a sex party doesn’t mean they want to do everything with everyone,” Harris says. “ Someone might go to a sex party and only want to do hand sex, or play with sex toys, so if someone else shows up and only wants to put their penis in people, that limits the kinds of play that can happen, and the combinations of people that can happen.”
To throw a successful orgy, you should invite an interesting group of people who are likely to get along, provide the right snacks and refreshments, be a gracious host/hostess, and make sure fun activities are provided. If that sounds like the recipe for any kind of successful party, you’re right, but there’s a key difference with a sex party. According to fans of the practice, an orgy is a potentially transformative experience in a way that a dinner party almost never is.
“There is no such thing as casual sex,” Ponante explains. “As crazy or as spontaneous as a sexual encounter can be, it’s still fraug
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