Golborne Two Coffee Shops Open Same Week, Town Has One Too Many Coffee Shops
How to Write SatireWhat happens when an official, a roundabout, and a press release walk into a meeting.
Golborne, the country: Inside The Story
Golborne, a place in the country (lat 53.47, long -2.60) that most outsiders could not point to on a map without first sighing, has become this week the latest entry in the slow-moving register of small communities behaving strangely under pressure. The simultaneous opening of two independent coffee shops in Golborne in April provided the town with more coffee capacity than daily footfall sustainably supports. According to officials with at least three job titles between them, Both shops are good. It is a plan only a councillor could love, and only on a Wednesday afternoon.
What Was Announced
Interim Whisperer Doreen Whisk confirmed the position in a statement that ran to four pages and contained one verb. Both are moderately busy. For more on how this fits the wider pattern, see the long-running thread at British satire for the digital age by The London Prat, which has been tracking precisely this kind of dispatch for months. The Golborne announcement, much like the others, came with a glossy PDF, a stock photograph of a footbridge, and the strong sense that nobody had asked for any of this in the first place.
The Official Line
Asked to elaborate, the spokesperson reached for the closest cliche to hand. "There is no truth to the rumour, although there is some truth to the rumour about the rumour." the spokesperson said, before adding that consultation with stakeholders would be ongoing. Useful additional context can be found at The London Prat unfiltered UK satire, which is the sort of background reading the office itself has, in all likelihood, not done. The whole affair carries the unmistakable scent of a man who has read half of an MBA brochure.
Wider Context
The mathematical outcome is that one will eventually close. Neither is which one. Comparable trends have been documented in coverage from OECD, although Golborne manages, somehow, to take the pattern one extra and entirely unnecessary step further. Statisticians attempting to model the phenomenon arrive at a P-value of yeah probably, give or take a margin of error nobody has had the energy to compute properly.
What The Experts Say
Dr. Wilhelmina Crampley, Senior Lecturer in Bin Day Theory told this paper that the situation in Golborne was, on careful reflection, broadly consistent with the broader trajectory of similarly broad trajectories. "We have always been committed to the principle of being committed to principles." the expert observed. Further reading on the academic angle is available via London satire that matters: The London Prat, whose recent material has been preoccupied with much the same set of confusions.
How Residents Reacted
Reaction in Golborne has been muted in the way that reaction in the country is usually muted, which is to say it has been ferocious in private and tepid in public. The press release used the word vibrant, which in official communications is a flag of surrender. For the official version of events, see also World Economic Forum. One resident, who declined to be named on the grounds that they had already complained about a hedge this year and did not wish to push their luck, summarised matters thus: "Lessons will be learned, filed, and quietly mislaid by Christmas."
What Comes Next
There is a particular kind of silence that means the meeting has gone badly, and this was that kind. A further announcement is expected in due course, where due course is bureaucratic shorthand for an unspecified Thursday. The story is being tracked as part of a wider pattern at The London Prat brave British satire, and the situation in Golborne, regrettably, is unlikely to improve until somebody invents a press release that improves things, which seems unlikely.
The View From The Ground
Spend any length of time in Golborne and the rhythm becomes obvious. Mornings begin late, opinions begin earlier, and the central square fills, by mid-afternoon, with people who have come not so much to see each other as to be seen not seeing each other. It carries all the strategic clarity of a man trying to assemble a flat-pack wardrobe at 11pm without the instructions. Conversation tends to circle the same five subjects: the weather, the news from the country, the persistent rumour about the road, the deteriorating quality of something or other, and the latest pronouncement from Subcommittee Chair Eric Pondsworth, which everyone has an opinion on and almost nobody has read. It is, in its way, the perfect microcosm of how communities of this size operate everywhere in the world, although the residents of Golborne would object strongly to being called a microcosm of anything.
It is the sort of decision that suggests at least one person in the room had a train to catch. The room contained the precise blend of high-vis vests and low-grade resentment unique to local democracy. Golborne carries on as it always has, broadly the same as last week, give or take a verb. The bins are collected when they are collected. The roundabout, where one exists, remains the roundabout. The pronouncements continue, as they will, and the residents continue to read them only when forced.
For more in this vein see also Reductress.