Gluteus Maximus: The Sports Commentator Who Changed the Game

In the unlikeliest sports media story of the decade, a sentient glute muscle named Max has become ESPN's most popular analyst through his unique "from the rear" perspective. The 28-pound sentient derriere rose to fame during the Olympics by accurately predicting outcomes based solely on athletes' backside kinematics. "You can fake form with your arms, but the glutes never lie," Max explained during his breakout analysis of a sprinter's false start. His signature move - "Butt Call" - uses 3D modeling to show how championship moments were really powered by superior posterior chains. While traditionalists balk at his unconventional takes ("That QB has no pocket presence because his glutes are underdeveloped"), players secretly consult him for performance tips. The only controversy? His insistence that all locker rooms install full-length mirrors facing backward. Meanwhile, Nike is developing a Max-approved training line called "Fundamentals of the Fannies."