Giving Blow Job
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Giving Blow Job
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Carina Hsieh
Sex & Relationships Editor
Carina Hsieh lives in NYC with her French Bulldog Bao Bao — follow her on Instagram and Twitter • Candace Bushnell once called her the Samantha Jones of Tinder • She enjoys hanging out in the candle aisle of TJ Maxx and getting lost in Amazon spirals.
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Yes, there are *that many* blow job tips!
Oral sex, fellatio, blow jobs , head, etc, whatever you wanna call it, there are about as many nicknames for the act of blow-jobbery as you can get. And with all these names and slang terms, different techniques and tricks.
While we don’t know off the top of our head, how exactly oral sex was invented, it’s fun to imagine the phrase “you want me to do what now??” being involved somewhere in the timeline. After all, as a concept, putting someone’s privates in your mouth seems like, hmm, it would be awful?? But it’s not! And so all these probable millennia (is this how time works?) later, blow jobs and oral sex are an enjoyable and good part of most sex routines.
Just like the rest of sex, the best way to mix up your BJ routine is to get tips and advice from other people. Which is where we come in. Here are 39 pieces of sage advice from grown women and experts who have been there, done that (like, a lot) and are down to share their wisdom with you. Whether you’re prepping for your first or your 500th blow job, there’s something here for you.
Maybe you’re looking for more techniques or you want a way to keep your mouth wet or are just wondering if it’s okay to just not give head at all (yep, it’s totally up to you). Or you want to know if there’s a better, comfier position to give head in or if this is a game time to bring a vibrator into the mix. Whatever’s on your mind, we gotchu.
Whether you have dry mouth from nerves, allergy or prescription meds, or even just drinking alcohol prior (which yes, can dehydrate your mouth, who knew?), dry mouth is supes common and you can find a way to deal with it! A little prep never hurt anyone — keep some chewing gum or sour candies by your bedside to help nudge your salivary glands into production, as ob-gyn Wendy Askew , MD, has previously told Cosmopolitan .
If you lurve giving head but your dry mouth is cramping your style, invest in some Xylitol-based mouthwashes specifically designed for dry mouth, like Biotene or Smart Mouth Mouthwash. Xylitol mouthwashes (remember, stay away from alcohol-based as it can cause dryness) actually helps stimulate saliva production and retain better moisture in the mouth, according to Dr. Askew.
Like, umbrella statement, if you’ve tried it and you hate it and it makes you gag or it doesn’t make you gag and you just hate it, you really don’t have to do it! There are plenty of dudes out there who will be fine and understanding if you’re like, “Sorry, I don’t do that,” and if they try to persuade you or guilt you, ew, red flag, dump ’em.
We all have that one girlfriend who’s like, “If you just keep going deeper and deeper, you’ll gag and it’ll produce more spit.” Which, okay, but if gagging sucks and makes you feel like you’re going to die, the ends don’t always justify the means, yanomean? According to Jarrett Manning , DDS, a dentist in Atlanta, Georgia, “The body’s response to deep-throating is similar to that of gagging, which is a defense mechanism preventing swallowing or choking.” Basically, “when these areas in the back of your throat get triggered in such a way, the stimulation goes from your nerves to your brain’s medulla oblongata, which happens to be located near the other areas of the brain that cause you to get teary eyes, and produce excess saliva,” Aka there’s kind of a medical reason it might work, but you’re legit like, hitting the “PANIC” button in your brain to get there. Please don’t ever force yourself to gag to the point where you’re uncomfy in the hopes that if you keep going, you’ll hit some secret magic saliva fountain.
There are some guys out there who are like, “I don’t really like getting head,” and that’s real too! Just like how some women find that getting head puts too much pressure on them to orgasm to the point where they can’t enjoy it, that stage fright is real for dudes too! Don’t feel offended or take it personally if your boyf just ain’t about it.
Lots of guys find that blow jobs just don’t do it for them. While media might make it seem like blow jobs are the holy grail and The Ultimate Thing that all men want 24/7, it’s sometimes just not enough for some guys to go over the peak. One guy who had an adult circumcision and has had sex both cut and uncut , previously told Cosmopolitan that while he could orgasm from oral pre-surgery, afterward, it’s totally impossible. Of course, that’s a special scenario (adult circumcision is probs more rare than finding someone who just can’t orgasm from head), but it’s just an example. If you’re going at it for ages and nothing’s happening, and your dude is like, “Yeah, I might not finish from this since I rarely can,” do not take it personally! It’s admirable to want to be a sex magician who can do the undoable, but if your jaw deadass hurts, like, it’s not life or death if you stop.
If you are not into that and haven’t previously said, “Please use my head like a surprise fleshlight while I’m in the middle of giving you head,” that’s rude AF and you definitely have a right to call them out on it if not just walk away like, “WTF is your problem?” It’s like people who shove their fingers in your mouth when you’re yawning or something. Who raised you?
There’s a time and place for kneeling blow jobs and there’s also a time and place to be like, “Fuck it, I want to be comfortable and keep movement from where I am right now to a minimum.” If you try changing up your position so you sit next to him, not in front of him , you can change the sensation for him, show off your ass, and you might find that it just makes things comfier for you on the whole.
Bringing a vibe into things can make giving head even hotter. You can use one hand to hold it while you’re kneeling and sort of sit on it for maximum control or position yourself to show yourself off using it to your dude so it’s like a double whammy of oral and a show.
The only bad thing you can do, pre-BJ, is underestimate your own abilities. If you’ve got a mouth and your partner’s got a dick, you have all the tools you need to give a perfect blow job. That said, if you’re nervous about it, talk to your partner. If that’s off the table, talk with some friends. No problem with being nervous—probably everyone who’s ever performed oral sex has been before. Talking about it is the best cure for BJ jitters.
The best thing about giving a partner the first blow job is that you can then ask for, essentially, an oral sex performance review. All sex—penetrative, oral, etc.—tends to get better with a partner as you get to know each other better and communicate more. As you’re comfortable, ask your partner what he likes in a blow job or how you can craft a BJ perfect for him. And if he’s polite, he’ll ask the same of you. A true win-win.
This is a problem among people with penises, many of whom seem to have been told, at some point, to literally never exude enthusiasm in sex. If your partner’s silence is weirding you out, tell them so! Positive feedback is helpful for BJ novices and experts alike.
Most shower sex is difficult to impossible , the literal black diamond of sex locations. But oral sex is both doable and enjoyable in the shower. The water won’t work as lube, but have your partner stand out of the jet stream (so you can be in it) and go to town, after you’ve watched them wash their bod.
But don’t do it without first asking if your partner is into that. And then follow that question up with, “And how do you like your balls played with?” Because what people who don’t have them don’t know is that apparently, they’re very sensitive! So don’t go yanking away without warning.
Once again: Ask your partner if they like butt play before you venture into unknown territory. And then if they give you the all clear, ask again what kind of play they like. If they don’t know, check out some of these beginner anal play tips and work from there. This also tends to speed up blow jobs, which, you know, might be a good thing.
Which is why wearing condoms during oral is a good idea, especially for new, non-monogamous partners. There are plenty of flavored varieties if the taste of latex isn’t really your thing.
There’s something mysteriously ~sexy~ about watching yourself get it on (why do you think sex tapes are a thing??). Use that over-the-door mirror you’ve had since freshman year of college for dirty purposes and position yourselves in front of it while you go down on your partner.
Blow his freakin’ mind and detract minutes from the amount of time his D is in your M by teasing your partner pre–blow job. Getting him all worked up by kissing his hips and thighs feels great for him, and if you know your partner takes a bit longer to finish from oral, this might speed things up a bit. Not that there’s anything wrong with taking your time! But sometimes you need to put oral sex on the express track. And there’s nothing wrong with that either.
Have you ever seen anyone eat a really big popsicle? Like, put their whole dang mouth around it (which, ouch, brain freeze)? It’s not a pretty sight! Very few people in this world look their absolute best with their mouth stretched to its full capacity. Don’t put more pressure on this already precarious situation by thinking you have to look like a beautiful goddess while hoisting a penis into your mouth. What matters most to everyone involved is how this thing feels.
Unless you also have a penis and have received a blow job before, the best you can do is merely speculate what getting one feels like. All you need to know is that most people describe them favorably, or as one guy eloquently puts it : “If sex is putting your penis in a wet, unplugged vacuum...a blow job is plugging that vacuum in.” So put all those worries that it doesn’t feel good out of your mind. Assuredly, they’re into it.
Before your mouth is, ahem, occupied, use it to ask questions: Do they want you to get your hands involved? Do they want to lie down or stand up? Do they prefer lots of noises or nah? Asking questions and getting answers is not only a fun way to get ~in the mood~, but it can also help put any concerns or anxieties you have at ease.
All those slimy surfaces on the inside of your mouth basically just all feel the same. Except your teeth, obviously. I don’t have a penis, so I don’t personally get the appeal of deep-throating, but (gently) ramming the tip of his dick into the roof of your mouth feels like the same thing and it doesn’t make you gag.
Yeah, this should go without saying, but I’m gonna say it anyway: No one should ever demand or force any sexual act from you, and this goes for blow jobs too. Some people have this (wrong, completely bogus) idea in their head that they deserve oral sex. LOL, no. If anyone ever says they require a blow job, feel free to say you require hooking up with people who aren’t dickheads.
You ever heard of something called sensate focus ? It’s a sex therapy technique in which you focus on touch and the physical pleasure it brings you , and you can totally use it to ease blow job anxiety or just ~mix it up~ a little. Basically, instead of doing what you think you’re supposed to do to make them feel great, employ blow job techniques that feel fun and exciting to you. Oral sex doesn’t have to be as one-sided as its reputation says it should be.
I mean, there’s pre-ejaculate , but that’s like a light rain shower when a proper BJ usually requires a torrential downpour. Either get some lube that doesn’t taste like a takeout bag or drink some water and be prepared to use all the spit you can muster. It’s not gross. This is someone you make out with (probably).
In movies and TV shows and whatever else, the only BJ position ever depicted is a woman on her knees, bobbing her head back and forth while a man stands up like a statuesque Greek god. This is so rare IRL! You don’t have to invest in knee pads, like Stephanie from seventh grade said you would! Stephanie lied to you. Just get on the bed and do it lying down. It’s COMFIER.
Also, you just don’t have to swallow at all . The person whose dick you’re sucking is not going to scream and holler at you if you demurely dispose of his cum into a napkin or cup or something. They might get a little upset if you spit it directly onto their face, but that’s really something the two of you should discuss.
The average penis is 5.17 inches (when hard) . I haven’t measured the inside of my mouth, but I am pretty damn sure there aren’t 5.17 inches of space between my lips and the back of my throat. And no way do I recommend going for broke and shoving a penis down your esophagus. Let your hands help. Put the tip in your mouth and your hands around the base, and voilà. This is within the acceptable rules of play.
There is an inordinate number of horror stories about women who accidentally use their teeth during a BJ and, like, skin the guy’s dick with their razor molars or something. Teeth should not be the Big Concern. I feel like they kind of just disappear when this whole act starts, IDK.
I don’t think anyone expects a hard penis to smell like Chanel perfume or a strawberry Lip Smacker or whatever (although, OMG, they should ), but some guys are less clean than others. Also. People sweat more in the summertime. Consider this. The crotch area is not free of sweat glands. Personally, I don’t think it’s rude to kindly suggest a sexy shower together beforehand.
Oh, it looked like a pinkie finger from afar, but now that it’s in your mouth, it’s like one of those little toys that grows when you put it in water. What’s happening in there? Who knows? Maybe we’re all overestimating the size of our mouth holes.
Like ~magic~, if magic were perverted. You don’t have to just tuck your tongue away and hide it while this event is taking place. You can use it (like the roof of your mouth thing) to trick your partner into thinking they’re basically pumping away into your stomach. Just either tuck their penis underneath your tongue or use your tongue to block the back of your throat (this also protects your delicate gag reflexes just in case).
Although people do seem to love them, it’s not something that begins and ends in a matter of seconds (usually). These things can be a lot of work, especially if you’re down there for, like, 15 minutes. You can quit literally whenever you want though—never feel like you’re dropping out of a race early.
Yeah, not all BJs have to end in a spout of geyser-esque ejaculate shooting forth into the air. You can do this for just, like, a little bit until they get all riled up, then move on to other sex things.
Sex ed should definitely be better in this country , but I really doubt we’ll ever have gym coaches teaching good blow job decorum in front of a bunch of confused teenagers. And that’s probably for the best? Anyway. People don’t fuck IRL like they do in porn, but sometimes those close-up shots of someone ferociously sucking a D can serve as good little tutorials on how to move your head. Just don’t attempt deep-throating if you’re not very experienced.
I vaguely remember some girl in, like, ninth grade telling me that all grown women literally swallow lidocaine or the stuff in those Orajel swabs before giving a blow job so they don’t gag on a dick. Don’t do this! Don’t drink lidocaine! No! The solution here is to just not deep-throat a penis. Gag reflexes exist for a reason. And you definitely don’t want to throw up on someone you ostensibly like.
If someone refuses to go down on you because you don’t like giving BJs or has a disgusting smelly penis that you don’t want in your mouth or for literally any other reason, they suck (except lol, they don’t suck, hahaha get it?).
Okay, maybe you like it, but IMO, it is terrible and dumb. The whole point of oral sex is that you can just lie there and do nothing while someone else gives you extreme pleasure. 69ing is like if you had to file your taxes at the same time as getting a professional massage. Doesn’t that sound like a nightmare to you? Because it is. It would be a nightmare.
This one sex act is way overblown (LOL, sorry , I’m sorry), but really, it’s just one thing on an endless menu of sex things you can do to a person. No one decent will cut things off with you if you don’t like giving BJs, and I swear, if anyone ever slut-shames you for liking BJs, direct them to me immediately because there’s a conversation we need to have. You like what you like and hate what you hate, and it’s all fine and good.
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Medically reviewed by Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW, CST — Written by Adrienne Santos-Longhurst on September 12, 2019
Medically reviewed by Stacy Sampson, D.O.
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Don’t be shy — 85 percent of adults have had oral sex at some point.
To help make sure you’re doing it to the best of your ability, we’re sharing the lowdown on what to do from start to finish.
Bodies are different. Forget what you’ve seen in porn, where the penis is all big, smooth as an eggplant, and praised for tasting “oh so good” as it’s handled by an equally perfect mouth.
We all have our own unique odor. Everything from what we eat to the soap we use can affect it. And you can’t expect to pull a penis out of the cramped confines of pants without some sweat or odor.
A quick shower is usually sufficient to keep things fresh down there. Any odor that’s left is natural and totally fine.
Don’t be afraid to suggest a shower beforehand! No one wants something smelly in their face.
Yep, genitals and semen have a taste . What does it taste like? You won’t know exactly until you try.
Just like our natural odor, different factors affect how we taste.
If someone has a funky taste, there are things they can do to help spruce it up.
Penises run the gamut when it comes to physical characteristics.
You’ve got circumcised or uncircumcised . Some are long, others are short. There are dark or pale ones, smooth or ridged ones.
Not all pubes are trim and tidy. Some people have an unruly bush, and that’s totally fine .
Oral sexually transmitted infections (STIs) exist. Any skin-to-skin contact or contact with bodily fluids can spread STIs .
And don’t let a healthy-looking package fool you. Not all STIs cause symptoms.
Lower your risk and give yourself a tasty treat by using flavored condoms .
You’re bound to have some Q’s right about now, so let’s start with some of the most pressing.
You don’t really need to tweak your game all that much for foreskin.
If you’re starting with your hands , let the foreskin move with your hand.
When you’re ready to move on, gently pull the foreskin downward to expose the head.
Gagging does not a good blow job make — though some might (literally) beg otherwise. You can avoid gagging by placing the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth to block your throat.
Only if you want to. You can still give them a mind-blowing beej without going deep. Maneuver it toward the roof of your mouth instead. Unless your partner’s an oral surgeon, they probably won’t know the diff.
Apart from taking a bite of it, there’s really no way to screw this up. Look for nonverbal signs of pleasure, like faster and heavier breathing or thrusting action.
If the radio silence is freaking you out, don’t be afraid to ask if it feels good. They’ll probably think it’s hot that you genuinely want to please them.
Use your hands. Alternating between hand and mouth is just as enjoyable!
This comes down to your comfort level. Discuss it with your partner beforehand.
Some people love the visual of finishing in someone’s mouth, but having them finish on your closed lips or chin can be just as hot if swallowing semen isn’t your thing.
Going too fast can make them feel like you just want to get it over with and come already.
Start off slow with light pressure, and slowly increase your pace. If they seem to be getting close to climax, stick with what you’re doing.
The hips don’t lie: Pay attention to what they’re doing while you’re going down. Thrusting, holding your head steady, or quivering are all signs that they’re loving it and getting closer to climax.
Eye contact is super hot, shows confidence (also super hot), and ups the intimacy factor.
Make sure to lock eyes often or even the entire time to create a connection that leaves a lasting impression long after the job is done.
It’s not a lick of gelato, so hearty “nom nom noms” aren’t necessary, but voicing your enthusiasm will be appreciated.
Moaning, heavy breathing, and even slurping show you’re into it. And the vibration from your mouth will feel amazing for them.
Take your lips on a tour of the genital region. The entire area is a place of wonderment and nerve endings longing to be explored.
Nearby attractions include the head, frenulum, scrotum, and inner thighs. The frenulum is the little ridge of skin on the underside of the penis where the shaft meets the head.
Feeling adventurous? Take the back road to the perineum and the anus — with their consent , of course.
Oral is the perfect time to get touchy-feely. You can use your hand to control the depth and show other parts of their body some extra love.
Unless your partner says don’t stop, using the same speed, motion, and pressure over and over is more likely to result in boredom and chafing than an orgasm .
Alternate between licking the shaft, swirling your tongue around the head, and letting your hands take over to switch things up.
You’ve got the basics, so it’s time to make your move.
It’s only fitting that you get an oral sesh started with your mouth. What better way than some good old-fashioned making out?
Get them primed by kissing and caressing some of their other erogenous zones , like their ears and neck.
As long as you’re both comfortable enough it enjoy it, there’s no need to try any elaborate sex positions . They can stand or sit while you kneel in front, or they can lie flat on their back while your lips hover above.
Unless you’re in a place where you can’t get naked, clothing is totally optional. It’s ultimately down to your comfort levels.
Pull it out while leaving the rest of their clothes intact, or pull their underwear down far enough to reach all their bits.
If the feel of skin on skin helps get you both hot, then go for the full Monty.
It’s technique time! Here are the moves you need to do the deed.
Anything goes here, really. Use your entire tongue to move your way up and down their shaft.
The tip of your tongue is perfect for zoning in on the smaller and highly sensitive areas.
You can use the tip to flick the frenulum, then swirl it around the head before gently bringing them into your mouth.
Unless you’re trying to bite down, your teeth aren’t really an issue here.
Focus on letting your tongue and lips make contact. Your teeth will just sort of blend into the background and disappear.
Heck yeah! Your mouth’s already in the vicinity anyway, so the transition to rimming would be totally natural. Just be sure they’re cool with it before you give it a go.
Use your hand to stroke the shaft and let your thumb graze the frenulum as you reach the head. You can continue to do this while licking and sucking.
Put those multitasking skills to the test and use your other hand to gently massage their balls at the same time.
As long as they consent, then absolutely! Just be sure to use a lot of lube .
Begin by applying gentle pressure to their perineum using the pads of your index and middle fingers, then insert an uber-lubed finger into their anus.
If you’re both cool with it, take rimming to another level by inserting the tip of your tongue into their anus and pushing it in and out.
Use the tip of a butt plug to tease the opening before slowly inserting it. Keep the butt plug inside while you lick and stroke them for double the pleasure, and possibly even an anal orgasm .
Unless your jaw is super tired and cramping or they’ve asked you to stop, you don’t have to. It’s totally up to you. Here are some ideas if you’re drawing a blank.
If you’re happy to keep at it, then stick to whatever you’re doing, since it’s probably working.
Increasing your speed and upping your enthusiasm with some well-placed moans and eye contact can help get them there faster.
Remember, there’s no pressure to swallow even if you let them finish in your mouth.
Keep sucking, and let the semen enter your slightly parted lips. If you’re going to swallow, now’s the time. If not, let it dribble down your chin — which is much sexier than it sounds — or discreetly spit it out into a nearby cup or cloth.
If the texture of tapioca’s not your thing, switch to jerking them off just as they’re about to climax. Let them finish on your chin, chest, or other area of your body.
If you want to stop, then by all means stop. The fun doesn’t have to end just because the BJ portion of the program is over.
Count it as foreplay and start kissing your way back up their body. Go where you want from there.
Suggestions: Climb on or turn over for penetration , or guide them down so they can reciprocate orally.
The key is to make a blow job mutually satisfying. You’re in control when going down, so have fun with it and revel in the power you have over their pleasure.
Adrienne Santos-Longhurst is a freelance writer and author who has written extensively on all things health and lifestyle for more than a decade. When she’s not holed up in her writing shed researching an article or off interviewing health professionals, she can be found frolicking around her beach town with husband and dogs in tow, or splashing about the lake trying to master the stand-up paddleboard.
Last medically reviewed on September 12, 2019
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