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Girls Way Sex
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Sex between cisgender women isn't radically different from how anyone else does it.
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Welcome to Down to Find Out , a column in which Nona Willis Aronowitz addresses your biggest questions about sex, dating, relationships, and all the gray areas in between. Have a question for Nona? Send it to downtofindout@gmail.com or fill out this Google form . (It’s anonymous!)
I’ve been wondering how to practice safe girl-on-girl sex. I knew I’ve been attracted to women for a long time but I’ve recently noticed more sexual feelings. But I have no idea how to do it and how to do it safely and I just don’t want to be embarrassed when I eventually do have sex. Thank you!
You’re not alone, Kate: If my inbox is any indication , a ton of teens are unsure about what to do or how to act when they first have sex. And figuring out how to have sex with another girl can be doubly confusing in a society that, when it actually does educate young people about sex, is largely focused on heterosexuality. It doesn’t help that among the culture’s existing portrayals of lesbian sex, many are filtered through a male gaze, for male enjoyment.
Becca Mui, the education manager at the LGBTQ -inclusive sex education organization GLSEN, rejects the idea that preparation for “girl-on-girl sex” has to be radically different from straight sex. Instead, we should “recognize that [assumption] as heteronormativity.” The idea that lesbian sex must “have a different script is really because of the narrow way sex is portrayed in our society,” she says. Just like straight sex doesn’t have to mean penetration , sex between two girls doesn’t have to mean oral sex, or using a strap-on, or any of the other porn-influenced assumptions people have about the way queer women have sex.
So, while there are meaningful differences when it comes to the mechanics of penises and vulvas, my advice for first-time sex is pretty much the same for all genders and genitalia: Use a barrier method when appropriate, find out what feels good to you, and communicate with your partner about your desires and boundaries.
Let’s start with the most straightforward of those three: staying safe. A common misconception, Miu says, is “that STIs can only happen when penises are involved.” False! Sex between two vulva-owners can’t result in a pregnancy, but it can certainly result in infections that are transmitted through vaginal fluid, menstrual blood, and even skin-to-skin contact. The best way to be safe is to get tested with your partner, use a dental dam during oral sex, and use condoms (either external or internal) when you share sex toys. Miu recommends this LGBTQIA safe sex guide for more details on when to use a barrier method. Of course, COVID-19 is still a real and present threat, so keep those protocols in mind . If your prospective partner isn’t someone you’ve been isolating with, it might be safest to wait.
Now for the next step: Explore your own body . Learning how to pleasurably touch your own body parts, before someone else does, is key to having a good sexual experience. As a bonus, this may help you better understand another vulva-owner’s body (you will become intimately familiar with the power of clitoris, for example). Still, every single human body is different and therefore will enjoy different things. Even if you love a light rhythmic touch on your clit, that might not translate to a partner who likes it rougher. But knowing what you like will help you guide someone who wants to give you pleasure.
Which leads me to my third piece of advice: Talk about it with your partner, then talk some more. (And talk beforehand, so you don’t feel pressured or stymied in the moment.) Happily, according to researchers , this part might actually be easier for women who have sex with women. Without that narrow p-in-the-v sexual script, some experts posit , queer women sometimes feel freer to follow and express their own desires rather than culturally prescribed ones. Perhaps that’s why multiple studies have found that women in same-sex relationships seem to have more orgasms than hetero women.
Of course, no inexperienced sex-haver is going to be amazing in bed straight out the gate, so there’s no need to be embarrassed. Just take it slow. Miu encourages newbies to have long makeout sessions first, and from that place of comfort, explore other types of touch. The best you can do is to try to be in tune with yourself and in communication with your partner—regardless of their gender.
How long does it take on average to give a woman an orgasm? And what are the steps to an orgasm?
This question warms my heart, because not every man considers this! However, I have some bad news for you: Nobody “gives” another person an orgasm.
Yes, a cis woman can orgasm while someone else stimulates her, usually on or around her clit, usually with their hands or mouth or with an activity, like dry-humping, that results in rubbing against her clit. Some women can orgasm when someone vaginally penetrates her, either with a penis or a sex toy. Orgasms can also come from anal sex , breast play, even vivid fantasies alone.
And yes, I suppose some people are such intuitive sexual wizards that they figure out exactly how to achieve this without any guidance or feedback from their female partners. Chances are, Munashe, you aren’t one of them. And that’s okay! Most female orgasms that occur during partnered sex are the result of a woman giving herself many solo orgasms beforehand, and therefore having some idea of how to make them happen.
So: The best way to “give” a woman an orgasm is to ask her what she likes. Create a welcoming environment for feedback: Tell her you’d love for her to show or tell you what turns her on. If she doesn’t know yet, offer to explore alongside her in a relaxed, open-ended way. Stay in tune with her responses as you experiment together. Is she leaning into your touch, moaning appreciatively, or whispering affirmative words? There’s no average time it takes to orgasm—everybody is different—but exuding a patient, no-pressure vibe is essential. (I can’t tell you how many orgasms eluded me in my youth because I sensed my partner was getting bored.)
And whatever you do, don’t overly fixate on it or get upset if it doesn’t happen. Some women have anorgasmia—they aren’t able to climax at all—or can only come with a vibrator. That doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy all the other pleasures of sex. Even for women who do climax, goal-oriented sex can be a serious roadblock to authentic pleasure. An orgasm is a wonderful thing, but it’s not the sexual be-all, end-all.
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