Girls See Dick

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A Girl on Snapchat Made the Perfect Guide to Dick Pics
Ah, the dick pic. A miracle of technology? A creepy nuisance? The Civil War love letter of our time? Regardless of your views on a guy’s Richard Picture, it is undeniable that there are only so many different ways to take a picture of your junk. Amateur cultural anthropologist (also known as "some girl on Snapchat") Reece took the time to create this safe for work, illustrated guide to the dick pic. I’ll add my commentary as we go. Let’s begin, shall we?
The Low Angle has many benefits and drawbacks. The forced perspective may make your Richard Attenborough (RIP) seem larger, but chances are your face will look at best dumb and at worst super, duper dumb. It’s just a fact that guys are terrible at making sexy faces, particularly while stretching their arms to hold a camera below their dicks. That’s basic science.
Depending on whom you ask, The Side Profile is either a classic of the genre or the lazy man’s dick pic. The plus side is you’re keeping it simple and focusing just on the dick. The downside is dicks are often not the most photogenic things. Sometimes putting something else in the frame is actually a good thing.
The Bird’s Eye View is the Wes Anderson shot of phallic photos. It presents your buddy in a new and interesting light. This raises the question of whether dicks need "new and interesting lights" in which to be presented. It’s a debate that will rage on in this country for decades to come until it tears us apart and we’re fighting brother against brother for America’s soul once more.
Technique 5: The Straight On (Reece skipped Technique 4! She’s a rebel! She looks at Math dead in the eyes and says, "Fuck you, Math.")
The Straight On, like The Side Profile is a lazy man’s choice. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the wrong choice. It’s the default option for dick pics. Don’t have time to Emmanuel Lubezki your dick pic set up? This is your best bet. Word of warning: this works best if you’re working with something impressive downstairs, because this technique is just going to show it as it is. Not a lot of room for puffery with The Straight On.
Technique 6: The Let Me Grab My Sack
The Let Me Grab My Sack is all puffery. It’s smoke and mirrors in dick-form. You’re not fooling anyone. Everyone knows that’s not what your dick actually looks like, so stop squeezing it to increase your stats. This technique is false advertising and as such should be avoided at all costs.
The Counter Flop is great in that it gives full context to your stuff, but it’s also a winner because it’s somewhat whimsical. It says, "Hey, I don’t take myself too seriously. Would a guy who takes himself too seriously just leave his dick sitting on this here counter? I think not." That’s a good look on a guy.
Conclusion: Reece provided an accurate list of the different types of dick pics, but remember the most important thing about sending pictures of your penis: It’s only fun if the other person explicitly expresses a desire to see your penis. If they don’t, keep it to yourself. And that’s one to grow on.
Whether it’s a friends-with-benefits situation or a Tinder date gone right, here’s how to ensure everyone wakes up happy the next morning.
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Katy HorwoodSunday 2 Aug 2015 12:17 pm
Not only are they great fun and the thing that ensures the survival of the human race but they can also act as a constant source of fascination for anyone who doesn’t have one.
Size, girth, shape, direction and colour – there really is no end to the variety willies can provide.
So if you’ve ever wondered what’s going on in our heads when you strip off, it’s time to find out.
Here’s 17 things women think when they first see your penis.
Man, that’s tiny… thank heaven’s it’s small.
Contrary to popular belief not all women prefer a saveloy to a chipolota.
So while we’ll all subconsciously register the size of your dick, you can’t predict what the reaction to your penis will be.
Think you can tell what a man’s dick will look like by his height, shoe size or palm width?
Think again. Body type doesn’t always correlate with willy size.
Which can mean pleasant surprises all round.
Just as size can vary from man to man so, too, can girth – *massively*.
Long and thin or thick and chunky, there really is something for everyone.
4. So *that’s* why they call it a grower
One of the most surprising thing about willies – their ability to transform in size so dramatically.
Yeah, yeah, we get it – it’s the blood flowing to your willy which makes it hard.
Regardless of its size, your willy will often entertain us with it’s ability to look so like things other than a penis.
Gonzo’s nose, a Smurf house, mushrooms, aubergines.
Cultural tradition, religious beliefs, hygiene reasons?
Sex? Hell no, you’re circumcised, we want to put a brew on and get the back story.
Your penis can move on its own when it’s hard… who’d have known!
9. It can get hard when you’re asleep
Or are huge, tiny or totally different sizes. There is *so* much more to willies than willies.
Your willy is regulated by your autonomic nervous system which regulates heart rate and blood pressure – so, just like you get hot at the gym, when your penis knows it’s in-line for a work out the same thing happens.
They don’t call it hot and horny for nothing.
13. It get’s *so* small when it’s cold
Are out of control (we’d rather wait until we get to the bathroom to floss, thank you) or hairless.
Because you shaved your pubes two days ago and now it’s stubbly.
Which is categorically not conducive to fun sex or long-lasting blow jobs.
If you liked this story you should give our new sex podcast Good Sex Bad Sex a listen – it’s out every Wednesday.
The show is available now on iTunes here and on Soundcloud here.
Metro bloggers Miranda Kane and Bibi Lynch co-host the show, chatting to a different guest about all things sex and relationships each week.
Think good cop bad cop – but with more handcuff action.
Visit Metro's Rush Hour Crush online every weekday at 4:30pm.
Tell us about your Rush Hour Crush by submitting them here, and you could see your message published on the site.
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