Girls Like Assholes
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Girls Like Assholes
By
Lucio Buffalmano
/ 6 minutes of reading
That’s the wrong, low-quality way of being a jerk
The author holds a master's degree from La Sapienza, department of communication and sociological research, and is a member of the American Psychology Association (APA).
He studies psychology, persuasion, social & dating strategies, and anything related to people and power dynamics .
Lucio's approach combines science, first-hand experience & critical analysis.
He believes that you can only teach social strategies if the three go together .
You can learn it all in one fell swoop with Power University .
And I highly recommend you first start reading about:
However, more than “liking assholes”, it’s some asshole traits that are attractive. And being “barely available” is one of those traits.
A colleague of mine was complaining about women who, in his mind, “just want to be mistreated”. And he said:
Really, next time I’ll just go over to a woman and kick her. They always like men who treat them badly.
Not 100%. There is latent masochism in some women -and people in general- that seeks abuse. Hopefully, you are not interested in that sub-set.
But was he right for the majority of women?
Not really. But we need to dig a bit deeper.
In a complex world, black and white thinking is bound to be wrong most of the time.
You see, high-quality women don’t really line up for assholes. And especially not the crudest, less attractive types -obviously, no?-. But they like them just a tad better than too nice guys .
But that does not make assholes great. Just a tad better. And women don’t like much of an asshole. Just a few traits.
Some assholes are attractive because they’re handsome, and they’d be attractive anyway
Some of the (potentially) bad traits of the asshole are attractive.
And, in some cases, it’s not to write off some women’s tendency towards masochism and self-fulfilling low self-esteem .
But it’s mostly what the asshole doesn’t show that is attractive. And those are the negative traits of the pushover.
All the above traits scream powerless, fear, and subordination. And of course, women are attracted to the opposite of that: competence, authority, and power.
So it’s mostly what sets the assholes apart from the too nice guys that make them attractive . And not really being an asshole per se.
Indeed the asshole attractiveness is often overplayed.
In “ Attraction Explained “, psychology researcher Virem Swani well explains that assholes are only better than pushovers. And research shows that most women, albeit not all, would otherwise prefer “kind men”.
Here is an example from 500 Days of Summer:
Some guys may mistakenly think that guy was cool in his approach because he “had balls”. But again, that’s not what’s most effective.
The idea that girls like assholes and assholes get women like nobody’s business is also somewhat wrong.
And it happens because of representatives bias. Such as, we see lots of too nice guys struggling in life. Then we see a few assholes getting women and we generalize that all assholes get girls and that all girls like assholes.
Of course, there are many assholes who are very successful and sleep with lots of women. But there are also many assholes who don’t get any women and end up bitter and on their own.
Example here from Sex and The City:
There are many characteristics of an asshole. Some of them include:
But the two major overarching traits of the asshole are the following:
However, most people use asshole as an umbrella term. And therein lie the mistake of why so many people wrongly believe that women do like assholes.
One of the reasons that many think assholes are attractive is because of the vagueness of the term.
Jen Kim , for example, says that many women use the word assholes for pretty much any behavior or outcome they didn’t want, including non committing.
Someone doesn’t want to commit? He’s an asshole. He doesn’t call when he says he will? He’s an asshole Mean? Asshole. Bitter, inconsiderate, emotionally unavailable , unfaithful… ? Asshole, asshole, asshole and asshole.
We have seen that girls do like some asshole traits associated with the “me comes first” attitude.
But what about the other side of the equation. Do girls like assholes who can’t commit?
Yes they do. Quite a few of them, at least. But those guys are not (necessarily) assholes. They have a name, and that’s avoidant attachment men .
Avoidants naturally do the following:
… And all the other unavailable signals that many label as the umbrella term of “assholes” but which are actually the typical signs of an avoidant personality.
Avoidants are especially addictive to anxious attachment type women .
This is important, because if you’re woman and asking yourself “why do I always end up with assholes”, well, here is the answer: it can be because you have an anxious attachment style.
Anxious and avoidant, together, form the highly volatile, highly addictive anxious attachment trap .
The anxious attachment trap, such as a relationship where she needs him but he stays noncommittal and out of reach, is exactly what people mistake as a relationship with an asshole. People look at that dynamic and believe that assholes are attractive and addictive to women.
And albeit that dynamic of being out of reach is very attractive for many women who keep going after these guys, not every woman is into it.
Amir Levine in Attached introduces a secure attachment type woman.
You will see how her mindset would be impervious to assholes. Here’s what she says (I paraphrase for brevity):
All men I have been with wanted to be with me in a relationship.
I know that I get the message across that I’m someone who’s worth getting to know, that there’s a treasure to be revealed if they stick around.
But it’s very important to me that the guys don’t play games. When they call me right after, I show interest in return right away. Only two men in my life waited to call me back. And I cut any contact with them.
Notice that her high self esteem prevents her from thinking think it was her who was not good enough.
She thought those guys were playing games , and she is only interested in men who can communicate her affection openly.
This is the type of high-quality girls don’t like assholes. And who rarely fall for them (albeit, never say never). And they also tend to be higher quality women.
They like them better than the completely spineless guys, yes.
However, assholes are far from the peak of sexual market value .
And the guys that women often get hooked on are not assholes. It’s avoidant men whom they get hooked on and that erroneously end up being labeled as assholes.
And we have also seen that some of the highest quality girls, those with a secure attachment style, don’t like either assholes or avoidants.
Hence, often, it’s lower quality women that the assholes end up with.
I highly recommend these two articles:
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I’ve dated my fair share of assholes and the question that keeps coming back to girls like me is… why are we into assholes? I mean dating a nice guy…now that’s too easy. Where would the challenge be? Isn’t messy and complicated much more intriguing than a cookie-cutter happy ending? To be honest, I’m not purposefully looking to date an awful person, it just so happens that the people I end up dating are actually AWFUL PEOPLE. Here is a list of reasons why girls (including myself) are into assholes, and why guys have the unfortunate right to continue to be assholes.
You have this idea that you have this super magical power to change bad boys into nice guys. I do believe that for every bad boy there is a nice girl who he is willing to change for, but there a slim to none chance that this guy will be the guy you can actually change for the better. Reality being, he is an asshole, always will be an asshole, and nothing you do will change that, but we stay with them anyway because we’re clearly delusional.
He has that charming smile that you cant stop looking at. All your friends say you both are SO CUTE AND ADORABLE TOGETHER. As Lauren Conrad stated in Laguna Beach , this boy is like the really gorgeous purse you like to carry around and show off to your friends, its sparkly, expensive, shiny and really pretty. All your friends want this purse and you want all your friends to know this purse is yours, even if it’s actually an asshole.
Have you ever heard that line before? I have like over 1,000 times. Assholes know how to sweet talk a girl, and we girls love it! He walks up to you and tells you you’re the most special little diamond on this universe and there’s something very special about you… he just can’t put his finger on it. But you’re just like every other special girl who has fallen for that old trick in the book. Assholes know exactly what a girl wants to hear and sadly, we believe every single word.
Looking for a nice guy? You’re not going to find him at a bar or a frat party. You’re not going to find a guy as smooth or charming as an asshole is…because he KNOWS how to play the game. Nice guys aren’t going after women, the hunters are just the bad boys.
So you’re now dating this asshole you found at the bar. He treats you like shit, doesn’t call back, flirts with other girls and tells you that you actually do look fat in those jeans. Seems like the perfect guy right? So after he as completely lowered your self-esteem and has made you feel worthless… ANY NICE THING HE DOES will seem AMAZING in your eyes. He called you back? Oh he just bought you flowers? Finally texted you back with hearts <3 <3 <3 ? These gestures seem like the most amazing things in the world because his inability to be a good boyfriend all the time has made you lower your standards of what you should actually expect. The moments he actually does one nice thing, you feel as if he made such a HUGE effort to do that…and somehow you respect him and love him even more for that. It’s crazy but it works. This is the one reason why asshole boyfriends have the right to continue to be assholes… because we let them.
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This post is in response to
Do Assholes Really Finish First?
By Scott Barry Kaufman
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Mental Health
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We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Posted January 19, 2010
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Reviewed by Matt Huston
A few months ago, back in the golden days of interning at PT, I read a blog post that changed my life. Scott Barry Kaufman, or as I affectionately refer to him, SBK, wrote: Do Assholes Really Finish First ?
He discussed the phenomenon of women falling for "bad boys" or "assholes" and included various research to back such claims. I encourage you all to read his post if you haven't, but if you want my CliffsNotes version, feel free to park your mouse here for a moment.
SBK writes: "Bad boys tend to have lots of positive traits that come along for the ride of the badness, such as good looks, confidence , creativity , humor , charisma , high energy, and good social skills—all things women find attractive."
He also found that for men "one striking direct path to mating success stood out... low agreeableness ; the lower the agreeableness, the more sexual partners."
In terms of psychology, "the 'asshole' consists of the following traits: High Extraversion , Low Neuroticism (perhaps), Low Conscientiousness , Low Agreeableness, High Openness to Experience , and a bit of a dip into the dark triad traits (those with an extreme dark triad profile aren't considered sexually attractive)." The dark triad refers to three personality deficiencies: narcissism, Machiavellianism , and psychopathy .
SBK also raised the question, why do girls want to be with the bad boy ?
He found an answer from Michelle at Girlfriend's Planet, who eloquently put it like this: "[Bad Boys] don't really ever commit to you, therefore you're always chasing after them. The challenge! As women, we're kind of wired to think that we can change anyone, and bad boys are no exception."
It was as if SBK had come into the dressing room of my soul and had seen my naked psychological self. How utterly accurate his findings were!
Finally, an explanation for this crazy inexplicable attraction ! I simply liked assholes...
I quickly assess my past romantic interludes and wonder just how many of my gentleman callers were actual textbook-definition "assholes."
Sure they were outgoing, charming, open to new experiences, funny, handsome, maybe even a bit narcissistic , which all fits the psychological asshole profile, but they've never been Tucker Max mean to me.
Okay, so they've hurt me, but never intentionally. I think that most guys get faulted or called an "asshole" because they can't give the girl what she wants. I know I'm guilty of that. Trevor broke up with you? Oh, he's an asshole !
Really? Trevor is an asshole because he was honest about his feelings?
Perhaps, if Trevor cheated on you, berated you in public, gave you a couple of black eyes or called you a fat, ugly whore, he would earn the title, but for breaking up with you?
In fact, Trevor was a great boyfriend. He would call and leave stupid sappy voicemails, do a hysterical Kermit impression, and surprise visit you in France while you were studying abroad, because he knew you didn't want to be alone for the holidays.
Trevor was never an asshole. Neither were any of the guys I dated and then vilified as "assholes" in my dream journal. Even Eric, who cheated, wasn't an asshole. He was genuinely apologetic and vowed never to hurt me again. Of course, he did in other ways, but he had a good heart. Very rarely do guys actually want to inflict pain on you.
These guys weren't bad boys; they were just emotionally unavailable .
Non-committal, not ready for a relationship, whatever you want to call it—that's it! That's where the allure comes from. Not the bad boy himself, but his inability to commit. Even good guys exhibit this quality. Arguably the best guy of them all, Edward Cullen, also has commitment issues. Yes, he loved Bella, but he did leave her behind in a vampire-su
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