Girlfriend Penetration

Girlfriend Penetration
I can only climax from oral or manual stimulation. Is this normal?
‘Sometimes with a newer partner, I’m too embarrassed to ask for what I really need’ (posed by model). Composite: Getty Images/Guardian Design Team
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I enjoy sex, and have had long-term partners, but I have never experienced an orgasm from penetration
I’m a 35-year-old woman and have never been able to orgasm from penetration. I have had a few partners, some long-term, and I enjoy sex, but can only climax from oral/manual stimulation. Is this normal? Sometimes it’s hard to explain to a partner that I do enjoy it if they do it right (they think there’s something wrong with them or me if I don’t climax from penetration) . And sometimes with a newer partner I’m too embarrassed to ask for what I really need. But I don’t want to fake it .
For you – and for most women – the most heightened sensations of sexual pleasure emanate from stimulation of your clitoris. Vaginal penetration will only bring you to orgasm if the nerve endings in your clitoris are sufficiently engaged. But many people do not know this, and the politics of sex and gender have meant that incorrect beliefs have prevailed, and feelings of inferiority and frustration remain widespread. There is nothing wrong with you; your sexual response is completely normative. From now on, take charge of your pleasure. Try to find ways to receive more direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse, perhaps manually (your partner’s hand or yours) or through experimenting with different positions, styles or toys. But if you prefer, just relax and allow yourself to be brought to orgasm separately the way you like. Educate your partners and show them exactly what you need. In most cases they will be grateful for the clear instruction, and you will more profoundly appreciate them – and yourself.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms .
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

I can only climax from oral or manual stimulation. Is this normal?
‘Sometimes with a newer partner, I’m too embarrassed to ask for what I really need’ (posed by model). Composite: Getty Images/Guardian Design Team
All the day's headlines and highlights from the Guardian, direct to you every morning
© 2022 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. (modern)
I enjoy sex, and have had long-term partners, but I have never experienced an orgasm from penetration
I’m a 35-year-old woman and have never been able to orgasm from penetration. I have had a few partners, some long-term, and I enjoy sex, but can only climax from oral/manual stimulation. Is this normal? Sometimes it’s hard to explain to a partner that I do enjoy it if they do it right (they think there’s something wrong with them or me if I don’t climax from penetration) . And sometimes with a newer partner I’m too embarrassed to ask for what I really need. But I don’t want to fake it .
For you – and for most women – the most heightened sensations of sexual pleasure emanate from stimulation of your clitoris. Vaginal penetration will only bring you to orgasm if the nerve endings in your clitoris are sufficiently engaged. But many people do not know this, and the politics of sex and gender have meant that incorrect beliefs have prevailed, and feelings of inferiority and frustration remain widespread. There is nothing wrong with you; your sexual response is completely normative. From now on, take charge of your pleasure. Try to find ways to receive more direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse, perhaps manually (your partner’s hand or yours) or through experimenting with different positions, styles or toys. But if you prefer, just relax and allow yourself to be brought to orgasm separately the way you like. Educate your partners and show them exactly what you need. In most cases they will be grateful for the clear instruction, and you will more profoundly appreciate them – and yourself.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms .
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

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I admitted that I didn't want the intimate, tender lovemaking that typified my bedroom. Instead, I found books and movies where women are sexually ravished and even aggressively taken exciting. And I judged myself for it.
Author of "She Dated the Asshats, But Married the Good Guy: How to Go From Toxic Love to Real Love in 12 Exercises."
May 18, 2015, 06:28 PM EDT | Updated May 18, 2016
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
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Author of "She Dated the Asshats, But Married the Good Guy: How to Go From Toxic Love to Real Love in 12 Exercises."
A month or so back, I found myself in a gay club dancing with lovely men who made me feel fun, sexy and beautiful, but had absolutely no interest in tempting me away from my domestic haven.
However, I came home from that experience feeling restless and mid-life crisis-y.
I realized my 17-year relationship (now-marriage) had some predictable sexual patterns, which happens in any long-term relationship. But suddenly, I felt a strong compulsion to break free of those patterns. (Could it be turning 50?)
Though I wanted to shake things up, I knew swinging, polyamory or, in turn-of-the-century Lady Mary/"Downton Abbey" vernacular, "taking a lover" would be the death knell of my treasured marriage, therefore not the kind of "shaking things up" I wanted to do.
What makes my husband so incredibly badass is that when I said, "I think I'm having a midlife crisis. I'm sexually bored." He instantly replied, "Let's do something about it!"
Realizing it was my issue, not his, I went to see my former font-of-wisdom (a.k.a. therapist) and admitted that I didn't want the intimate, tender lovemaking that typified my bedroom. Instead, I found books and movies where women are sexually ravished and even aggressively taken exciting. And that I judged myself for it.
I've been a sex columnist, which suggests Sexual Libertine , but in many ways I'm repressed. I was raised Mormon, so my psychological, sexual landscape has definitely been impacted by the sexual repression in that culture leaving me to to frequent battle with the Morality Police, priggish Jacques and Ferrar, that live inside my head.
My therapist, who is often a place of temperate permission, explained that she believes, and I quote:
She cited a recent documentary on the endangered big cat, the Canadian Lynx, where she described how aggressive the male is with the female during the mating ritual.
The male will bite the female's neck, scratching her and holding her down forcefully. My doc surmised that humans most likely have a genetic or biological sexual impulse that is very similar to that of animals.
After my session, whilst googling the keyphrase: What do Women Want in Bed? I stumbled on a recent Ask Men article titled, 5 Things Women Secretly Want In Bed . Two of them made my Morality Police, irascible Jacques and Ferrar, take note.
#1 Get Aggressive In Bed: Just about every woman I encountered had the words 'more aggressive sex' rolling off her tongue. From being tied up and spanked to having their hair pulled and being mildly asphyxiated, the women were quite enthusiastic about aggressive sex. Of course, I'm not implying that you should go home and smack your (lady) up, but instead, maybe a little roughing in the bedroom can work wonders for your sex life.
#3 Treat Her Like A Prostitute: (Shannon here: this language might offend the feminists in many of us. But I agree with the spirit of the note.)
Ah, fantasies, the beauty of them lies in the fact that many are not realized. But as one woman put it: 'I am tired of being that precious lady in the bedroom. I'm tired of making love and doing things gently all the time.' (Shannon quietly raises hand)
'I want him to have raunchy sex with me and talk to me as though he just met me and cares nothing about what I want. I want him to ravish me like an animal and tell me to be quiet whenever I try to say something.'
I guess, in the end, there are plenty of women who want to be, for lack of a better word, slutty in the bedroom. They simply fear that if they behave in such a manner, then their men will think less of them, and some are even afraid that their men will mistakenly begin treating them differently outside the bedroom as well. All the same, many women are big fans of scenarios such as the one described.
In the last quote I particularly appreciate that the author has made a distinction between what women like in bed versus what they prefer in real life.
All of this is food for thought and a catalyst to ex-communicate the puritanical, prudish, Victorian Jacques and Ferrar with regards to my midlife ennui.
I recognize that my sexual relationship with my husband hasn't stopped growing. It's been stunted a bit by the last 13 years of raising children, but there is nothing that says we can't pick up the reins and continue to grow and even surprise each other as the years unfold.
I think the ace we have up our sleeve is genuine goodwill toward each other and a willingness to communicate, even the trickiest most vulnerable, uncomfortable stuff.
If you want to keep up with Shannon you can Opt-In to her Relationship Sensei Newsletter HERE.
Author of "She Dated the Asshats, But Married the Good Guy: How to Go From Toxic Love to Real Love in 12 Exercises."

I lose my erection during penetrative sex
Composite: Getty Images/Guardian Design Team
All the day's headlines and highlights from the Guardian, direct to you every morning
© 2022 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. (modern)
I love and fancy my girlfriend, but I can’t keep erect when having sex. I am 42 and otherwise a picture of good health
I am 42 years old and always seem to quickly lose my erection during sex. I love and fancy my girlfriend, but this problem has been with me pretty much all of my life. I have been to my GP, had all the tests for pretty much everything and I am the picture of health. I can get an erection but, as soon as I penetrate her, it goes …
Your mind may be playing tricks with you. Such a well-entrenched pattern of erectile failure can start as an occasional inability to maintain erection, but become a self-fulfilling prophecy, when your anxiety about it actually becomes a large part of the cause. So, during lovemaking, instead of enjoying feelings of love, pleasure and sensuality, you may be imbued with performance anxiety, which seriously hampers your natural arousal responses. Have you tried some of the erectile dysfunction medications, which can be physiologically useful and help build confidence? There can certainly be treatable psychological reasons for consistent erectile failure. But the best approach at this point is to immediately stop trying to maintain an erection and focus on the giving and receiving of pleasure without intercourse. It is vital for you to reframe sex as something relaxing and sensually pleasing rather than a goal or chore. Take time to fully explore all the non-penetrative things you both enjoy, and have fun experimenting. Only return to intercourse when your confidence has come back – and even then think of penetration as a side attraction rather than the “main event”.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms .
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

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