Girl Having Sex For The First Time

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Girl Having Sex For The First Time
Medically Reviewed by Neha Pathak, MD on May 21, 2021
When you are thinking about “having sex” for the first time, the stakes can seem really high. After all, the society and pop culture around you have been telling you that at some point in your life you will “lose your virginity ,” as if it were an actual possession that you give away, never to have again.
In fact, “there is no part of your body called ‘virginity,’” says Logan Levkoff, PhD, a sexuality educator in Manhattan . “It is a socially constructed term that is steeped in old ideas of who must maintain virginity. It’s loaded with shame and stigma, because if you lose something you can never get it back. That phrase is designed to make people feel guilty.”
Plus, it only applies to one particular sex act -- vaginal intercourse (when a penis is inserted into a vagina ), which leaves out other equally intimate sex acts and sex with a same-sex partner.
When school sex educator Al Vernacchio, of Wynnewood, PA, talks to high school students who are interested in having sex, he asks them: “What’s important to you about having sex? Is it pleasure, is it intimacy, is it connection, or is it just achieving some external mark that seems to have some societal meaning?” Then, when he has a clear sense of what someone is actually interested in, “we talk about some of the best ways to achieve that,” Vernacchio says. That could involve vaginal intercourse, but there’s a lot more out there that you can experiment with as you are becoming a sexually active person.
What you define as sex is a personal decision, but the sex educators interviewed for this piece agreed that it involves the genitals. For Levkoff, any time there is genital contact, whether with a hand, a mouth, or another person’s genitals, she considers it sex. Jo Langford, a psychotherapist, sex and tech educator in Seattle, uses genitals and penetration as a benchmark (and that includes oral sex).
But all argue that broadening your definition of sex achieves a lot of things. It makes sex more inclusive. It takes the pressure off one sex act being the be-all and end-all, and it allows you time to experiment with what you like and what feels good. And that gives you a chance to work up to the sexual acts that come with more significant potential outcomes.
Some things that can be considered sex:
“Whomever is involved and whatever parts they’re using, they are deeply personal, intimate acts,” Levkoff says. “They all come with the potential for pleasure, they all need protection -- emotional and physical -- and they all need consent.” That means you should feel comfortable enough with yourself -- and with the person you want to share your body with -- to ask the important questions and think through what you both want and are prepared for.
“One of the things I say constantly is, if you can’t talk about it, then you should not be doing it,” Langford says. “If there’s no way you would ask your partner about their sexual history, then that’s a sign that maybe you are not ready for this.”
Levkoff offers these questions to help guide you through the decision about what you are ready for.
“Ideally, you want your heart, your mind, and your crotch to be firing at the same speed,” Langford says. “For most people that doesn’t happen until 16, when they can get their driver’s license and reach a place where they are learning how to make grown-up decisions, which can be really motivating and empowering.”
Vernacchio agrees that teenagers younger than that are probably not ready for genital contact. “The way our society is structured, when you’re 13 or 14 and you’re a 9 th grader, you are at the beginning of a whole new phase of your life as a high school kid,” Vernacchio says. “There’s a vulnerability there that make it easier for kids to be taken advantage of or for power to be misused against them, intentionally or unintentionally.”
“Everything we do with our bodies, from holding hands to kissing to sharing our genitals in any capacity, requires consent,” Levkoff says. “Consent is you being able to take agency over your own body to say, ‘this is what I want, this feels good,’ or ‘no, this is not what I want.’” And that applies to everything. When Langford talks about consent, he likes to use a pizza analogy. “You wouldn’t order pizza for someone without finding out what they want on it and you wouldn’t grab a slice off their plate or take a bite of their slice without asking,” he says. “Go out and order pizza with someone before you have sex and see how that goes. You are exercising the same muscles you use for consent.”
Another thing to be prepared for is how to handle it if the person you are being intimate with does not want to do the same things you do or decides they want to stop. It’s important to be ready for “hearing and recognizing and being OK with a ‘no’ and managing your feelings around that,” Levkoff says.
“A lot of people grow up thinking that someone else will flip the switch that makes them a sexual being, but that’s giving someone else a lot of power,” Levkoff says. “There is something really empowering and important about knowing your body is capable of pleasure on its own.” Masturbation is a great way to get to know what feels good to you. And it “will help you explain to somebody else what feels good to you,” Langford says.
Because porn has become a fairly ubiquitous experience, and because it presents a very unrealistic picture of sex, Langford recommends that people who have been masturbating with porn aim to masturbate 50% of the time with just your imagination. That will help you find out what is a turn on for you personally and increase the likelihood that your first experiences with someone else are fulfilling. If you rely only on pornography to reach an orgasm , you may find it hard to orgasm when you are physically intimate with another person. “Having a healthy imagination is so important for consent and intimacy and romance,” Langford says.
“There is this common expectation that if you are a heterosexual, male-bodied boy-identified person, that at some point in high school you are going to get a blow job from a girl,” Vernacchio says, “but we do not see the same kind of expectation about girls getting sexual pleasure. I like to call that out. Too often we sacrifice female pleasure on the altar of having sex for the first time, and that’s not fair.”
And the reality is that “the majority of orgasms for people with vulvas and vaginas do not come from sexual intercourse,” Levkoff says. Which means that “if you are interested in your female partner having an orgasm, that may not be the best thing to do for your initial sexual interaction,” Vernacchio says. “If you are masturbating each other or masturbating with each other, that can be a really pleasurable experience.”
“There’s always been a whisper network about how it’s going to hurt the first time, it’s going to bleed,” Levkoff says. “I think people with vaginas have a huge amount of fear around this, particularly with my teenage students, they ask, ‘How painful is it going to be?’” The answer that she and other sex educators give is that with care and communication it does not have to be painful.
“Penetrative sex shouldn’t hurt,” Vernacchio says. Ways to make sure your first experience with penetrative sex is not painful include doing what you can to make it a relaxed experience. This is where those conversations and open communication with your partner come into play, as well as going slow and gently. Lubrication from being aroused and/or lubrication products are a big help, too, Levkoff says.
And practicing penetration -- whether in an anus or vagina -- beforehand is good idea. “Use a finger first,” Levkoff recommends, “so there is gradual insertion going on. There are muscles, blood vessels, and thin tissue that is expanding for the first time. So, it’s really important to have consent, protection, and lubrication. We really need to be with partners who we can talk to about these things, so we are comfortable.”It’s also helpful for people with vaginas to know that the hymen is an overhyped body part. “It’s basically a thin membrane that is left over from in utero development,” Levkioff says. “Most people do not have intact hymens, or they would not be able to menstruate, and most of the time the hymen has been abraded and worn away -- just from living life -- long before someone has sex for the first time.”
For me the most important part of the conversation is, ‘Why do you want to do this? What do you want to get out of it?’” Vernacchio says. “And then, choose something that is really going to meet those goals.”
Logan Levkoff, PhD, sexuality educator in Manhattan; author of Got Teens: The Doctor Mom’s Guide to Social Media.
Jo Langford, MA, psychotherapist, sex and tech educator, Seattle, WA; author of The Pride Guide .
Al Vernacchio, MSEd, sexuality education coordinator for the Friends' Central School in Wynnewood, PA.
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WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.

By Hannah Orenstein Updated: Nov 25, 2019
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"Afterwards, I expected to feel more mature and more confident, but I really just felt the same as I always have."
Thanks to thee unrealistic standards constantly portrayed in media , we've all built up this imaginary idea of what sex is supposed to be like. Some people expect a romantic night of candles and passion, while others think it will be the most pleasure they've ever felt in their whole life . But the truth is, everyone's experience is different. Sometimes it's smooth and romantic and lives up to your expectations, while other times, it's kind of terrible.
But no matter how old you are or what the circumstances are, having sex for the first time can feel like a huge deal! So, to give you a better idea about what your first time may be like, we talked to 43 girls about the first time they had sex — how they knew they were ready, who they did it with, and how they felt afterward.
1. "He knew I was a virgin and for some reason, I had this expectation of it being magical, which in all honesty, it wasn't. He kept his face buried in my shoulder/neck the whole time and asked if I was okay once during, which I thought was kind of inconsiderate. I think I would have enjoyed it more if he had checked in with me to see if my needs were being met, which they weren't . At the time, I was blinded by my love, so I chose to look past that." — Hafeezah, 22
2. "It was not romantic at all. It was messy, drunk and horny. I was 17, drunk at a beach concert, called a guy that we had an on and off thing and we had sex in the back of his pickup car. Then, he went to study abroad and we never spoke about it , until like 2 years later." — Bianca, 23
3. "I was a sophomore in high school and at a Halloween party. I got pretty drunk and had sex with one of my childhood friends (on his birthday) in the basement of his house. Then, the next day, I found out one of my best friends also had sex for the first time that night . So to this day, she and I will text each other on October 30 to say happy anniversary." — Tory, 24
4. "We were 17 and we needed a time when our parents weren’t home, so we waited until Christmas Eve when his parents had left for a holiday party. I was so incredibly nervous — I think we both were. So we lit candles and took it slow . To be honest it hurt like hell. But other than that I think it was pretty perfect as far as virgins go." — Debby, 22
5. "It was after homecoming and we were just in his room. It all happened pretty naturally. It wasn't painful, but it honestly didn't feel like anything at all was happening . And then 1-2 minutes later it was over." — Jasmyne, 21
6. "I was 17 when I first had sex. I lost my virginity to someone I actually cared about, which doesn’t mean much to me looking back now, but it was important to me back then. It was late at night and we were in the backseat of his car . I was really nervous, but he was patient and managed to make me feel comfortable and sexy, even. I don’t regret anything and for that I’m thankful." — Jennifer, 22
7. "It was nothing like I imagined. I felt comfortable, but out of nowhere, I got really nervous . He told me to relax and that we didn't have to continue if I didn't want to, but I did. It was very painful to the point that I had to stop because I was in so much pain. I felt a little ashamed and embarrassed because I imaged something different and I thought he was disappointed in the experience. He was so understanding and he said it was fine and that he wanted me to be okay, and that we didn't have to continue. He made me feel better about the experience, and we are still together two and a half years later." — Katie, 24
8. "I wasn't "in love" or whatever, but I guess I never expected to be. He made me feel comfortable and respected, so one night, I went over and we had sex. It wasn't awkward or weird, and it wasn't this special magical moment either . We went to a diner the next morning for breakfast and texted my best friend group chat the link to Lonely's Island's "I Just Had Sex," and I think they were more excited about it than me to be honest." — Tiffany, 21
9. "Truthfully, it wasn't enjoyable. I wasn't ready at all and he was . And then it sort of just happened to me rather than me choosing whether or not I wanted to." — Alex, 22
10. "I was on senior week, and I was hanging out with the boy I liked. His friend was asleep in his hotel room, so we did it on the balcony . It was completely unplanned, but I've never regretted it. I'm still friends with the guy, too." — Kelsey, 23
11. "It was the summer after high school for me, sort of an in the heat of the moment type of situation with this guy I'd been talking to for a while. Surprisingly, it wasn't uncomfortable . It didn't hurt or anything like I'd expected, which was interesting!" — Anumeha, 21
12. "My first time was with my boyfriend of a few months. I was 19. After class, I hung out with my boyfriend at his house (he lives with his parents). Later, I snuck back in after his parents fell asleep. It was super unexpected and definitely not planned. I know that I was ready to have sex, but the nervousness of being COMPLETELY NUDE in front of my boyfriend for the first time PLUS being in his house when I wasn't supposed to be made it hard for me to let myself really feel good. I didn't necessarily feel bad, and I definitely don't regret any of it, the circumstances just made it hard for me to let go and loosen up. Thinking back to it eight months and many sexy times later, I honestly wouldn't change anything. I've grown so much more comfortable with sex, and I can thank my boyfriend for that for being kind and gentle." — Maggie, 19
13. "My mom tried to have an open and honest conversation about having sex so that I would feel less nervous when the time came. But the conversation was always about boys, never about being sexual with girls , so I felt completely unprepared when I went to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time." — Brooklyn, 22
14. "I was 18 and I kinda just wanted to get it over with. It was the summer after I graduated from high school and I was on a date with this kid I knew since elementary school. We had talked about it before and we got this cheap motel and we did it. I felt kinda numb until the next morning, when I got in the shower and cried for an hour." — Ari, 21
15. "I lost my virginity at 14. It wasn't a big deal in my mind, as I'd lose it one day anyway, so why not then? I was talking to the boy for awhile and he made me feel like it was the right thing to do. I imagined it'd be like in the movies — all sweet and romantic, all planned out. It wasn't! It was awkward and I didn't really know what to do. Since then, my experiences have gotten better as I now know what I'm doing." — Jenna, 17
16. "I was 17 and my best friend was a 21-year-old guy. We always joked about marriage, and he was cute, but I never felt attracted to him. One day, we went hiking, and he kissed me at the top of the peak, and I felt excited. He was older, his arms were strong, and he wasn't aggressive like the boys I kissed in my grade. He was my best friend and we were kissing — what!!! Anyway, that summer, we talked about having sex, but he insisted that I had to be 18. Finally, my birthday came, and his family was home, so we snuck into his backyard and went into a children's playhouse adorned with little kitchenware and dolls. So not sexy. It was awkward and it didn't really work. He blamed me for it. It was really immature. Also, after having sex with guys, I've realized that sex with girls is more my speed — more fun." — Naomi, 21
17. "I was 16 years old and it was right after I went on a hike with my boyfriend. I had always been nervous about the idea of sex. I had so many questions about how it would feel. But we discussed it and we both agreed we trusted each other fully. At first, it felt weird — not painful, but just a completely different feeling. My advice is to make sure you trust this person so you can enjoy it even if it is awkward at first." — Carina, 19
18. "I wanted to have sex before college because I didn't want my first time to be a one-night stand after a party. I had met this guy online when I was younger and we had been talking for awhile. I had gone to see him a couple times and he said he didn't want to be my first. But then on New Year's Eve, he invited me over and we ended up having sex. I felt super weird after, because I was like, maybe I should've waited for someone I loved. I really think that shapes how I treat sex now. I know a lot of people whose first time was with someone they loved, and now sex is this sacred thing for them — whereas for me, sex is really just an act of pleasure." — Phoebe, 23
19. "I was 18 and in a long-distance relationship. My boyfriend was visiting and it felt right at the time. But then he had to leave to go back to school, and I was left with a lot of emotions, including regret and shame. I missed him and I felt overwhelmed. Even though we aren't dating anymore, I really did love him and a part of me always will." — Sammy, 18
20. "I was 16. My boyfriend at the time and I had been together for about eight months and things were getting serious, so we decided to do it. I was expecting it to be so nice and amazing, but instead it was so painful. It only lasted a couple of seconds. " — Katelyn, 20
21. "I had been dating a guy for less than a month when he told me, 'We need to have sex so we can figure out if we have a spark to continue dating.' I was 18 and wanted to lose my virginity so I could fit in, but also because I really liked this guy. We had sex in a car (how romantic, right?). I was so nervous that he wouldn't feel that 'spark,' but he did. At the time, I felt amazing. I thought I found the guy of my dreams and that we'd get married. We're no longer together, but I don't regret the experience. I just wished I had known I didn't need to have sex with a guy for him to approve of me or continue dating me. " — Mikayla, 20
22. "I love my boyfriend and I was ready, so we had sex. I'm on the Pill and we used condoms. It didn't hurt at all. I was so happy to be making love with him. I liked the feeling of being so close to him. But physically I thought it felt weird — like it didn't really feel all that great and I didn't feel tons of pleasure. Afterwards, I expected to feel more mature and more confident, but I really just felt the same as I always have. I don't really feel like losing your virginity is as big of a de
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