Girl Hard Solo

Girl Hard Solo
Updated on January 26, 2022 @ 05:25PM

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Maressa Brown is a journalist and astrologer who's a regular lifestyle contributor and resident astrologer for InStyle. She has nearly two decades of professional experience writing, reporting, and editing lifestyle content for a variety of digital and print consumer-facing publications including Parents, Shape, Astrology.com, and more. She is currently based in Los Angeles and completing her first title with Artisan Books to be published in early 2023.

It goes without saying that many of us are spending more time at home than we ever have before. We're also trying our darndest to manage the multitude of stressors that are popping up a la whack-a-mole. If your current situation could stand to be infused with more relaxation — and more pleasure — there has never been a better time to master masturbation.

"Self-pleasure has many physical, mental, and emotional benefits," says Shannon Chavez, Psy.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Los Angeles . For instance, it relieves both physical and emotional stress, floods your body with feel-good, pain-killing endorphins, and orgasms release chemicals and hormones that boost immunity , Chavez points out.

One of the biggest benefits that comes along with masturbation is one we could all certainly use now after the past few stressful and uncertain years: "A release of oxytocin makes you feel safe and calm," Chavez says, adding that masturbation can also be helpful if you're dealing with sleep issues. Another perk: "It improves circulation and blood flow. The benefits to your skin are better than a day at the spa." (Seriously, have you ever seen how your skin can glow after an otherworldly orgasm?) But the long-term benefits of masturbation can also go far deeper. "It can also improve self-esteem and body image by reducing sexual and genital shame."

Talk about a persuasive case for elevating your masturbation game. Here, 16 tips for solo sex that's sure to be fire.

If you're so stressed that sex of any kind feels like the last thing on your mind, you'll do well to start with simple non-sexual activities that will get you out of your head and into your body. A few options:

Make a playlist. "Music helps manage stress and relax the mind and body," Chavez notes. "More upbeat music can help you feel more energized and alert and slower music can calm the mind and release tension in the body by relaxing your muscles."

Practice mindfulness. "Any preparative mindfulness breathing exercise can be a great beginning to a fuller sense of one's own embodiment," says Sari Cooper, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and director of the Center for Love and Sex who is offering virtual sex therapy during the pandemic. She recommends the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) , which calls for zeroing in on one point of focus, usually the inhalation and exhalation of each breath. "As you practice this mindfulness breathing, you'll become better adept at observing your thoughts as separate things that can be set aside for the moment to bring the focus back to your breath and your body," says Cooper. "Start with five minutes and work up to 10, 15, and then 30 minutes a day."

Take a hot bath. Not only will slipping into a warm tub release tension in the body and create a soothing ambiance for relaxation and peacefulness after a long day, but you'll also prime your body through sensual touch and massage for self-pleasure by using your favorite soaps, oils, and bath sponge, Chavez says.

Stretch. Any movement is beneficial for physical health but stretching can urge tight, tense muscles to chill out, relaxing the body and amplifying blood flow, both of which can improve arousal and orgasm, according to Chavez.

Have an impromptu dance party. "This can loosen up your muscles and energize the body," says Chavez. "It can also be a playful or seductive and a way to explore your body through movement." Start by giving yourself a striptease or naturally release tension in the body by shaking your arms and legs, she suggests — "it's a primal instinct that we have socially unlearned in order to appear in control and it can bring you to a state of balance and prepare you for self-pleasuring."

Chavez recommends focusing on feeling yourself sensually before diving into sexual stimulation. You can start from your head and work your way down, running your hands through your hair, massaging your neck and shoulders, caressing your breasts and belly, and massing your inner thighs.

From there, you might begin to touch your genitals through your clothing or underwear or use your palm to massage the pubic mound, the fleshy tissue above the top of the vulva area, or give your clitoris a sensual massage. Don't hold back from making noises, if you're so inspired. "It can signal to the brain that you are aroused and increase sensations in the body," says Chavez.

And if this is new for you, this is also a good time to let go of any shame or guilt, says Jessica Baum, founder of the Relationship Institute of Palm Beach. "Give yourself permission to look at this as an exploration of your body," she notes. There's no one 'right' way to masturbate.

When you feel aroused enough to start massaging your clitoris, go slowly and gently to start, and pay attention to your breathing, recommends Alissa Vitti, women's hormone expert, author of WomanCode , and founder of FLO Living .

"Approach your clitoris with light strokes at first, and breathe deeply into your abdomen," she advises. "Many women stop breathing during stimulation, which then limits their sensation. You need oxygen to start a fire with your clitoris."

You might already recognize that you get extra horny just before your period or when you're mid-cycle and ovulating, but having a more acute awareness of what your hormones are up to can support your self-pleasuring efforts. "If you are in a phase like the ovulatory phase or the first half of the luteal phase, then you will have the added boost from an estrogen and testosterone surge driving both your interest in sex and your ease in achieving climax," explains Vitti.

"So, don't judge yourself if you are not interested in self-pleasuring during your bleeding week or your follicular phase," says Vitti. "If you want to self-pleasure, then add lube, as these are both 'dry' phases and it will take more support to achieve climax."

Chavez recommends checking out an app called Dipsea , which offers sexy audio stories and intimate guided sessions which are touted as relatable, celebratory, and featuring people who are "empowered in their sexual, social, and romantic experiences."

If you're more visual, think about movie scenes that have turned you on in the past and pull them up online, or recall fantasies that have previously gotten you hot and search for porn that has that theme attached to it, advises Cooper. Pro tip: If you're new to porn, dip your toe in by checking out XConfessions.com , run by indie, feminist adult filmmaker Erika Lust, who makes short erotic films that are smart and sex-positive.

Getting comfortable is key to getting off, so invest some time setting up a luxurious, relaxing space that lends itself to letting go. "Use pillows or blankets to create a 'masturbation nest' that is comfortable for different positions," advises Chavez. You might want to put one under your butt to elevate your hips and give you easier access. And you could also try sitting in a lotus position or Baddha konasana (Butterfly pose), which opens the hips and vulva area.

While exploring your body on your back or side in bed might be your go-to, you might find extra excitement from an unexpected position. "We need variety with sexual pleasure," says Chavez. "Novelty helps spark sexual desire so you need to experiment with your pleasure and orgasm. It can also be a rehearsal for partnered sex to figure out what feels good for you, so that it's easier to communicate with a partner."

For all of those reasons, try touching yourself while standing up. "You'll get better access to your genitals while also being able to watch yourself in a mirror," says Chavez.

Speaking of the mirror, watching yourself in any position can intensify your experience. "This can be helpful for those looking to let go of sexual shame during sex," notes Jess O'Reilly, Ph.D., resident sexologist at ASTROGLIDE . "The more comfortable you are with your own reactions, the more likely you'll be to ask for what you want with a partner."

If you're not feeling immediately amped to masturbate fully in front of a mirror, you can ease into it. "Perhaps, you begin in the dark or position the mirror so that you can only see your facial responses before adjusting to enjoy a view of your entire body," says O'Reilly.

You can boost the amount of friction — and, in turn, sensation — you're getting from your hand or vibrator by squeezing your legs around a pillow, explains Chavez. "Rub against the pillow or rock your hips back and forth while stimulating yourself with your hand or vibrator," she says.

While we tend to think of lube as an aid for penetrative, coupled sex, you'll also benefit from extra moisture, slip, and, depending on the product, blood flow during a solo sex session. Chavez recommends reaching for a clitoral stimulating gel like Sliquid O Gel or Omax O-Shot CBD Arousal Oil .

If you're in a state where THC products are legal, you could check out a THC-infused lube, or go the CBD route with Foria's CBD-infused Arousal Oil, Awaken , which also contains organic botanicals designed to support pleasure. Chavez recommends starting with a quarter size amount you'll massage all over the external tissue of the vulva, inside the vaginal canal, or anterior wall where the G-spot is located, as well as on the pubic mound and perineum. (Note that gentle, water-based lube is your best bet if you're prone to UTIs, bacterial vaginosis, or yeast infections.)

If you're just starting out and wondering how to masturbate, consider finding a vibrator that offers multiple options — so you'll be able to experiment with a wider variety of sensations, positions, and stimulation. "Aim for at least seven different vibrations patterns and speeds and a vibrator that can be used internally and externally," says Chavez. "Make sure all products are medical-grade silicone so that they are non-toxic to the body and easy to clean."

She likes the Lelo Gigi 2, which is designed with G-spot stimulation in mind, but also features eight different vibration patterns and can be used externally.

One that's good for beginners, according to sexologist Megan Stubbs , EdD, ACS sexual wellness, relationships, and body image expert: The Doc Johnson iPlease , which is small, compact, and has adjustable vibration settings and various patterns.

Not only can you try devices geared to different pleasure points — including the G-spot, clitoris, labia, and perineum — but you can explore varying degrees of pressure or different types of stimulation.

For instance, Cooper recommends using your fingertips or your nails or experimenting with fabrics (think silk or leather) on your body's many erogenous zones, from your nipples to your neck to your labia.

O'Reilly recommends a position called the Snake for anyone who finds they love rubbing and grinding. Lie flat on your stomach, then stimulate yourself between your legs with your hands or a toy.

You might also try rubbing or humping your hips to figure out which rhythm works best for you, says Cooper. While on your stomach, it might be easier to fantasize that someone is below you and/or allow the weight of your body to provide more pressure on your clitoris, vulvar and clitoral shaft for more arousal, she notes.

Cooper refers her clients to OMGYes.com , a research-based platform that was created in partnership with researchers at Indiana University and The Kinsey Institute. The site features techniques for women's pleasure (not to mention helpful clips of real-life women self-pleasuring), which stem from thousands of interviews and the first-ever large-scale, peer-reviewed and published studies about female self-pleasure.

You might also pick up a classic self-pleasure tome like Sheri Winston's Women's Anatomy of Arousal or Betty Dodson's Sex For One . "Both of these pleasure pioneers have created a step-by-step way for you to know what to do that gets results every time," says Vitti.

If your showerhead detaches from the wall, directing the propulsion of water to the clitoral area can be very arousing, notes Cooper. Experiment with different amounts of pressure, starting off softer and working your way up to a more intense stream. You could also try the Lovability Inc. WaterSlyde , an attachment that fits onto your faucet and directs water to the midline of the tub, making it easier to enjoy water play while relaxed on your back.

We're innately creatures of habit, so if you find a vibe that never fails to bring you to the big O, chances are you'll reach for it time and again. But you could benefit from taking the occasional hiatus from your fave toy. Vitti explains that using a vibrator hyper-stimulates your clitoral nerve endings, reducing the time spent in orgasmic plateau (the time just before climax), expediting climax, and keeping you in the refractory period (during which you'll be unresponsive to further stimulation) longer.

By comparison, using your fingers leads to a build-up of calming oxytocin and blood flow-boosting nitric oxide, and you'll spend more time in the orgasmic plateau, which is stress-releasing and mind-clearing. "Not to mention that you can have multiple climax experiences by extending the orgasmic phase, as well," notes Vitti.

No matter what it looks like for you, masturbation is bound to offer a wide range of benefits. Not only is it an easy, free, blissful way to relieve stress and strengthen your vitality, but as Chavez notes, "Masturbation normalizes sexual pleasure, whether you are partnered or not. It provides a space to explore your pleasure without judgment."

The bottom line: It's pretty much the OG form of self-care, a practice most of us need now more than ever.

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originally written 11.02.2018 • updated 07.25.2019 •
Self-love. Solo sex . ‘Bating. Ménage à moi. Jacking off, jilling off, whacking off. Paddling the pink canoe, pocket pinball, teasing the kitty, testing the plumbing, fingerbating, jerkin’ the gherkin, spanking the monkey, soaking the whisker biscuit, surfing the channel. No matter what you call it—or how goofy what you call it is—masturbation is one of the few things that almost everyone does, has done or will do. About as many people masturbate as people who play video games, and there are more people who masturbate than people who have computers at home or who own cars. In surveys and studies, as many as 95 percent of all people report that they masturbate or have done so.
Most of us, if not all, masturbated before we can even remember: infants and very young children commonly touch their own genitals and other body parts, and from what we can tell, do so seeking comfort and pleasure. That early stimulus and that early kind of sexuality is very different then adolescent or adult sexuality, but while motives and execution may differ, it’s masturbation all the same. Masturbation is, most plainly put, doing things to sexually stimulate yourself, and most often by engaging with your own genitals in some way.
There’s nothing wrong with masturbation, and it’s even clearly good for you in some ways. Most doctors and medical organizations, counselors, sex therapists, and sex educators agree: for our sense of well-being, relaxation, and health; our sexuality with or without partners, developing a means for sexual communication , getting familiar with our own sexual response cycle and preferences, and finding out where all our parts are, how they work and some of what we like and how we like it, masturbation is the bomb.
How any one person masturbates is based on their mood, and on their individual psychological, emotional, and physiological makeup and life history. All these variables affect what arouses people, brings about orgasm, and sexually satisfies them. So, while for one person, rubbing their penis or clitoris briskly with their hands or fingers with little lead-up may get them off, another may like to read a book while using a sex toy, and another still may enjoy a long soak in the tub followed by a slow and gentle self-massage. What a given person likes also can differ from day to day, month to month and year to year. Ways of masturbating that "work" for someone for a while sometimes stop feeling so amazing or resulting in orgasm: when that happens, you usually just need to mix it up a little or try some new things.
Masturbation is not always just about genitals. Plenty of people also incorporate touching or stimulating other parts of their bodies: breasts, nipples or chests, thighs, hands or feet, parts of their faces—you name it, somebody’s touched it while masturbating. Some people experiment with certain sexual practices alone, rather than with (or before sharing with) partners, by using new sex toys or certain types of role-play or sexual fantasy .
For many people, it’s common to combine activities like the above, rather than just doing one thing, or stimulating one particular area. You may also find it takes a while to find what really works for you, or that something that was satisfying once isn’t so satisfying anymore, and want to mix it up a bit.
What’s a good way to get started with masturbation? Find a space where you feel safe and comfortable, and where you don’t have to worry about being walked in on or interrupted. While some people do approach masturbation in a perfunctory way (and that’s okay), the truth is that it’s like any sort of sex: it’s usually far more compelling and enjoyable when you’re aroused and going all-in. So, while you certainly can masturbate any time you'd like, it usually feels a lot more intense and more satisfying for people when they're turned on before they start and/or while they're doing it and when they're totally focused on the sexual experience.
Many people fantasize before or during masturbation. Most people have fantasies about what they’d like to do alone or with someone else sexually, and that’s as fine a place to start as any. Another route to fantasy can be memories of previous sexual experiences. If that's not you, if you don’t tend to feel or experience sexual desire about others or about yourself, or are not in the mood for that kind of fantasy, by all means, start with whatever elicits your own sexual curiosity or desire. Some people use sexual or other kinds of media to provide fantasy fodder for masturbation.
While, no, you can’t really kiss yourself, you can massage your lips with your fingers, for instance, or run your hands over the sensitive areas of your neck, nipples, legs, or arms. Remember, your whole body is full of nerve endings and sensory receptors: the genitals aren’t the only sexual or sensitive spaces you’ve got, not by a long shot. Take your time: When you’re masturbating, you are your own lover, so treat yourself, and your body, just the way you’d like a lover to treat you. You don't need t
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