Girl Dating Bisexual Guy

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Girl Dating Bisexual Guy
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Remember when Katy Perry told the world that she kissed a girl and she liked it, and everyone went a little bonkers because it was so controversial? That was already 10 years ago, and the world has grown tremendously when it comes to accepting the LGBTQ community. For some reason though, people still get hung up on issues surrounding bisexuality. Some take a hard line on judging bisexuality, debating whether it is valid or whether it is simply a phase people go through. Even worse is the assumption that bisexuality is an excuse to be sex-crazed and promiscuous (which, BTW, is not something you need an excuse for if that is how you choose to live). There are many bisexuals who choose monogamy and long-term relationships, just like anyone else.
So for people who choose to date bisexuals, what are some things to keep in mind in order to not let the label get to your head?
It may seem obvious, since most people want to be recognized fully for who they are, but this is still a struggle for many people who identify as bisexual in relationships. Their partners might know what they identify as, but do they know what that means for them?
The commonly accepted definition of bisexuality is far outdated and, quite frankly, inadequate. It is not just the sexual attraction to both men and women. It is just as complicated as any sexual orientation and deserves to be understood by everyone. I recently came across a definition by a contributor on the Bisexual Resource Center’s Website that really helped me to understand how my partner might feel about her identity:
“Bisexuality is the potential to be attracted (romantically and/or sexually), to people of more than one sex, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”
If you are dating a bisexual or find yourself interested in someone who identifies as such, I encourage you to discuss what it means to him or her. For my partner, it means that she is sexually attracted to men and women, but romantically attracted to women only. In addition, she is only romantically attracted to more masculine women, such as myself. We have had candid and thoughtful conversations about our sexual orientations and what it means to each of us, and it has led to a more genuine understanding of one another.
When someone who is bisexual is in a relationship, they don’t all of the sudden turn off their attraction to people of other sexes and/or genders. A straight person in a relationship does not all of the sudden turn off their attraction to people of the opposite sex, and neither do bisexuals.
The important thing is that couples have honest conversations about what is acceptable within their relationships when it comes to acting on these attractions. If you are in a monogamous relationship with a bisexual, trust them to be just as committed as you are. Short of a wandering eye (I mean, who doesn’t occasionally appreciate other people?!), bisexuals are just as capable as anyone else of being in a relationship with established boundaries.
My girlfriend is obviously in a relationship with a woman (me!), and in fact, she has never been in an adult relationship with a man. That does not mean that her identity as a bisexual was a phase or confusion on her part. If she only ever dates me, which is my ultimate evil plan, then she can still identify as bisexual. If she lives to be 120 years old and never so much as gives a man a side hug, she can still identify as bisexual. There is no threshold to meet for people to qualify for a sexual orientation. It is a personal preference and decision and should be accepted as that person’s truth.
This is really just some good old-fashioned relationship advice for anyone to follow. Who your partner dated before you is not a reflection of how they feel about you! It is a nasty trap to fall into — comparing yourself to your partner’s ex in any way. It can seem a little more complicated when your partner’s ex is a different gender or sex than you are. The reality is, though, it isn’t complicated because it isn’t relevant. Allow yourself to be chosen by your partner for who you are and don’t let those doubts come in and cloud what you two have together.
Bisexuals are just people, looking for authentic relationships just like anyone else in the world. Just like anyone else, they have varying degrees and types of attraction for different people. Just like anyone else, they are more than capable of committed relationships. No, they don’t have extraordinary sex drives. They don’t want to sleep with everyone they meet. Their identities are not made up in order to fill some questionable spot on the sexual orientation spectrum.
Speaking from experience dating bisexuals, I can say that while the world might still be behind in understanding and accepting their identities, I am deeply in love with an incredible human being. She is creative, fun, smart, compassionate, genuine, sexy, and funny… and she just happens to be attracted to both men and women. But, she has chosen me, and I will bask in that for as long as I can.

More and more women are doing exactly that. Are they naive--or enlightened? And would you go there? Read this woman's story and decide.
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When I first met my husband, Neal, I thought he was gay. Maybe that's because he told me he was gay. So while I was attracted to him, I figured he would just be my gay best friend. Then, one night, we wound up in bed together, and let's just say that he did not act like a gay best friend usually acts. In fact, he seemed more comfortable with my body than plenty of straight men I'd dated had been. And after a hot-and-heavy weekend, I knew a lot more about Neal than "gay" had hinted at: He'd been married before (to a woman), and he was (still is) attracted to both sexes. Since his divorce he'd mostly dated men, so he'd gone with "gay" over "bi" when we met, but deep down that's what he is: bisexual . I was not entirely surprised, and I was definitely not disappointed.
However, I did have some concerns. Early in our relationship, which got super serious, super fast, I was anxious: I worried Neal would change his mind, say that he was actually truly 100 percent gay after all, and leave me for a man. (Maybe you've heard the joke? A man who says he's bisexual is gay, straight, or lying.) Another part of me worried whether a bisexual guy could ever really be monogamous. Also, didn't being with a man who was interested in men and women mean that I was competing against everyone in the world for his attention?
I just wasn't that familiar with bi guys. Bi women are practically mainstream: Megan Fox, Lady Gaga, Anna Paquin, Jessie J, and Evan Rachel Wood, to name only a few, have all spoken openly about being bisexual. When a woman says she's bi, it makes her more desirable to men. But few celeb men are out as bi—and you never see two guys making out in a bar to get women to pay attention.
Plus, I must admit I wondered whether all the stuff people say about bisexuals might actually turn out to be true—that they're untrustworthy, just going through a phase, or slutty; that they'll break your heart or give you STDs and probably cooties too.
Dating a bi guy, even one as great and as honest as Neal, was daunting to think about.
Understanding the basic science of bisexuality helped me a lot. Ritch Savin-Williams, professor of developmental psychology at Cornell University, who has done extensive research into arousal patterns of gay and bisexual individuals, puts it simply: "Bisexual men are attracted to both sexes. They have variations in how much they lean toward women or men." It's important to note that Savin-Williams, like most social scientists, differentiates between sexual orientation and sexual behavior. "So a guy could be attracted to 70 percent men and 30 percent women," he says, "but still meet a woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with and be monogamous. His orientation is bi, but his sexual behavior is straight." Conversely, if someone is having sex with both women and men, then he is behaviorally bisexual, regardless of what he says his orientation is.
What many women struggle with is not the fear that a guy is bi but the fear that he's temporarily bi and will eventually identify as gay. It's not a weird thing to worry about (I worried about it!), since many men have done exactly that. "Before homosexuality was as accepted as it is now," says Allen Rosenthal, a researcher at Northwestern University, "homosexual men often identified as bi in the process of coming out, like getting their feet wet. But it was a disservice to genuinely bisexual men because it left a lot of people with the impression that bi is a transitional orientation." The good news is that the reasons the bi-to-gay move used to be so prevalent—societal and family pressures, fears of being openly gay—are lessening. These days, it's more OK to be gay, and that's making it more OK to be bi. Progress!
So Could You, Should You? We asked glamour.com readers if they'd date a bi guy. The results:
In other words, two out of three of you would consider it. Explained one commenter: "If he's into me, he's into me. If he happens to be into guys too, well…we only have more in common!"__
Neal assuaged my anxieties by being so enthusiastic about me that I had no reason to doubt his attraction. I was impressed by his self-awareness too. He realized he was bisexual when he was 20, and he still considers himself attracted to both sexes, at a ratio of about 80:20, women to men. My friends said he was an improvement over more macho guys I'd brought home in the past, and no one really made a big deal about the bi thing. They'd already seen him with men and with women, and we run with a pretty arty crowd. Bottom line: I was in love. As the years passed, I saw that Neal had more integrity and self-knowledge than anyone I'd ever known. And so, reader, I married him. We've been together and monogamous for 12 years, married for eight.
Neal is comfortable with his sexuality. He's "straightish," in the terminology of a gay friend of ours. But he is kind of "gayish" too. He is a performance artist, eccentric, and has—true to stereotype—better style than I do. And if I'm like, "Wow, Mike is superhot," he doesn't stare blankly but says, "Totally. Because of the way he plays guitar, right?"
Generally, we don't tell the world about Neal's orientation (well, until now!). Not everyone is as supportive as our circle, and to be honest, I have zero interest in talking with someone who thinks I'm in a sham marriage just because my guy doesn't go, "Ewww!" when Channing Tatum takes off his shirt.
There have been a few bumps along the road. Early on, Neal confessed that he had a crush on someone else. In the moment before he told me who it was, as my heart sank, I thought: Oh God, it's a man. He's gay. He's going to leave me for a man. I am a fool. How did I not see it coming? How stupid could I be?
Then he told me who it was: a woman. And we worked through it. In retrospect, I think we would have been OK even if it had been a man. In the years since, we've weathered crushes I've developed too, and a million other surprising and not-so-surprising things. I don't think we're any more open-minded than most couples—but the amount of honesty required at the beginning of our relationship has served us well.
So how do you make it work with a bi guy? "If I were a woman involved with a bisexual man," says Savin-Williams, "I would have very honest communication with him about what he means when he uses the term." Trust me, I asked Neal a lot of questions about what he was into and what to expect as our relationship deepened. Would he commit to monogamy? What kind of boundaries did we need to set up? Be clear about what you're asking, warns Lisa Diamond, professor of developmental psychology at the University of Utah. "The question Are you attracted to men?' is different from Would you want to have a sexual relationship with a man?'" she points out. "Many men might say, It's a hot fantasy, but not one I would act on.'" At that point the question becomes whether or not you're OK with the fantasy. On the other hand, if he says he wants more than a fantasy when it comes to men…then he might not be the guy for you.
No matter whom you're dating, part of love is taking that leap into the unknown. "The only way to be truly sure," says Barbara Hernandez, a family and marriage therapist, "is over time. It depends on the values of the person, and the strength of commitment, and whether both partners work hard at it." Good advice for any couple, even a straight-as-an-arrow one.
At some point, if you're still freaking out about whether your bi guy is really bi, you might need to acknowledge that what you're worried about is whether he's really yours . "We all need to be honest with ourselves," says Diamond. "I wonder if the underlying concern isn't the same one we always have: Does he really want me ? Is he going to leave me? That's a concern as old as the hills." With Neal, I came to look at it this way: If he was choosing to be with me, then he was choosing me over all men and women everywhere. And that felt kind of awesome.
Believe it or not, Neal's sexuality doesn't come up that often in our daily lives. My failure to close drawers, his inability to throw anything away, and an ongoing disagreement on who is the more lenient parent are all topics that cause more strife than his sometimes thinking men are hot. Really, who can blame him? Men are hot, especially ones who are honest and confident. Especially ones who, even though they may be attracted to lots of people, pick you.
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Unless you've been avoiding social media like the plague, you've probably gathered that this week is Bi Week! For seven straight days, the bi+ community works diligently to make themselves visble, have their voices heard, and combat bi-erasure. In the spirit of bi week and putting forth additional bi content, I wanted to discuss what it's like dating a bi guy. For the record, I think bi guys are the best to date, but then again, I may be biased.  
In many regards, bisexual men want the same things as everyone else when it comes to relationships. We want an honest partner. We want to be emotionally fulfilled. We want to love and to be loved in return. We want someone who will be there for us when we fall down. And so on and so forth...
But in many ways, dating a bisexual man is somewhat different. I don’t say this to create a further divide between people, but given the society we live in (one that has vicious stereotypes about bisexual men, especially when it comes to having a relationship with one), it’s naive to believe that dating a bi guy is the exact same as dating a straight man or a gay man.
So in honor of #Biweek, here are 10 things you should know before dating a bisexual guy!
Every bi man I know who’s been open about his sexual identity has been rejected because of it. I was ghosted after two dates with this woman because she found my bisexuality "too much." I didn’t see it coming at all, because on the surface level, she seemed completely okay with my bisexuality. She even told me that she had hooked up with women and found herself attracted to women. Nevertheless (I learned from a mutual friend), my sexual orientation was the reason why she ghosted me. When you’re rejected for revealing a part of your identity, it makes it difficult to be 100% open about yourself from the get-go. So just give us some time.
This idea that we don’t miss being intimate with other people when in a monogamous relationship is absolutely ridiculous. But you know what? So do gay men and straight women and everyone else! Of course many gay men miss being with other men when they are in a monogamous relationship from time to time. But that doesn’t mean they want an open-relationship. It doesn’t mean that they’re going out and cheating. It’s human to sometimes miss being with other people. But when we've made a commitment, we’ve made a commitment. You need to trust us.
This isn’t something that necessarily affects your relationship, but it is something to keep in mind, especially if you’re seeing classic signs of undiagnosed depression or anxiety.
Odds are we watch gay porn, lesbian porn, bi porn, straight porn, and every other type of porn. There’s no need to freak out, telling yourself, "Oh shit, that’s not something I can give to him!" Porn is fantasy. It’s fun. None of the guys I've dated gave me a 12-inch rock hard dick, but I sure love watching that in porn. It doesn't mean I was planning on breaking up with my boyfriends because they didn’t have a third leg.
If you’re a woman, you’ll inevitably here at some point, "You know your boyfriend is actually gay right?" If you’re a gay man, you may get some shade from other gays. This is because gay men often think that bi guys are simply not comfortable with their "true" identity of being "full-blown gay."
This is a bizarre and femmephobic statement that I’ve encountered from gay men. Apparently, bi men are "hot" because they sleep with women and that somehow makes us more masculine. This fetishization is somehow homophobic, sexist, and biphobic all in one.
This is something I’ve encountered from certain straight women. They see me as their gay BFF who they can make out with. They don’t see me as a bisexual person who’s actually interesting in dating them. They reduce me to a stereotype and plaything.
In her book, Women in Relationships with Bisexual Men: Bi Men by Women , Dr. Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli interviewed dozens of straight women who have dated bisexual men. Her research revealed that bi men (who are out and open with their sexual identity) are often less consumed by traditional notions of gender as well as expected gender roles.
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