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The terms means something completely different in BDSM than in real life.
In real life, if someone called you a “brat,” that would be super not OK. You’d probably call them a dick and walk away. But in BDSM, being a brat has different implications.
One of the things that makes BDSM play so much fun is the ability to take on roles or personalities that might be opposite or exaggerated versions of who you are in real life. Maybe you work hard all day as a teacher, so when it comes to sex, you just want to be told what to do for once. Or maybe you’re used to having a mean boss who tells you what to do all day, so when you’re engaging in BDSM, you like to be stripped down naked and humiliated with a paddle emblazoned with the word “slut” on it. BDSM is exceptionally versatile; while the roles you can play are endless, one of the most interesting among BDSM lovers is the "brat."
A brat is a consensual role the submissive takes on because they enjoy being a little bit of an as*hole to their dominant partner, (also stylized as Dom, with a capital D), which of course can lead to some consensual punishment , such as a spanking. *wink wink*
“A brat is a submissive who loves to playfully push buttons and ‘break’ rules. They behave this way to deliberately provoke attention from their Dominant,” says Charyn Pfeuffer, sex and relationships writer and author of 101 Ways to Rock Online Dating . It’s less about being a complete jerk; it’s more playful. “Think sassy and mischievous, versus straight-up disobedient,” Pfeuffer adds.
Brats love “poking the bear,” or provoking their Dom. Taylor Sparks, an erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven , the largest BIPOC-owned online intimacy shop, says a brat might purposely burn something in the oven as a way to get a response: "Yes, I burned your bread...so what are you going to do about it?” she offers as an example.
While being a brat is one role in the umbrella category of “submissive,” you don’t need to be a brat to be a submissive.
Masochist: Someone who enjoys having pain inflicted on them.
Baby girl/baby boy: Usually enjoys being treated gently and with care. This is part of a Daddy/Mommy Dom/sub dynamic.
Good girl/Good boy: A submissive who gets off on pleasing their sub and following orders (essentially the exact opposite of a brat).
Slave: A submissive who is the servant to their Dom. This dynamic can include sex, but it doesn’t have to be sexual. Some consensual slaves enjoy being completely at the disposal of their Dom, with no sex involved.
The "tamer" is the role the Dom takes on with their brat. There are many ways to play that role: Maybe you’re a mean teacher, a cranky boss, or a fed-up Daddy. Or maybe you’re just a straight up Dom who tames their brat, without any frills—there is no end to the possibilities.
“They will punish the brat when they display bad behavior," says Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of The New Society for Wellness . "This may include restraints or impact play. A tamer's job is to bring the brat to submission."
An important aspect of the brat-tamer's job is earning the brat's respect, explains Kenneth Play , sex hacker and creator of the Sex Hacker Pro Series . A tamer needs to maintain control and not get flustered by their brat’s naughty behaviors. “Some brats really like to provoke the dom; this is where sexual confidence really matters,” he says. “That’s why I always recommend doms to have their sexual education preceded with experience. Because if you fold at this moment, that’s when it’s over. It’s a way of proving that you can keep your sh*t together under pressure.”
Of course, if you know you enjoy the brat/brat-tamer dynamic, the bratty behavior probably won't upset you in a “real” way. After all, everything in BDSM is negotiated and must be consensual. Being a brat-tamer “isn’t about controlling your partner or being resentful of their bratty tendencies, but recognizing the playfulness of the dynamic and finding mutual pleasure in an erotic tug of war,” says Lorrae Bradbury , a sex coach and founder of the sex-positive site, Slutty Girl Problems.
It’s important to note once again that all "acting out" and "taming" between a Dom and sub is consensual, and that everyone must understand the agreed-upon boundaries.
The brat acts out in a way that is a fit for the dynamic with their tamer. “A brat knows exactly how to get under their Dominant’s skin,” says Pfeuffer. “They could talk back, ignore commands, or even start a physical altercation.”
Oh, but there’s more. A brat “may minimize their partners' masculinity/sexuality or try to humiliate their tamer,” Saynt says. “When a tamer tells them a command, they might refuse and fold their arms in opposition. They may have a temper tantrum and refuse to comply with their partners demands. When the brat acts out, the tamer takes action.”
“For brats, it’s often important to explain the philosophy behind being bratty, and explore how brattiness is playful fun rather than intentionally disruptive, to familiarize the partner with the concepts,” Bradbury says.
Bradbury points out that being a “brat” is usually something that comes naturally. “Being a brat is often more of a personality trait than a type of [BDSM] play activity, so it’s important to show up as your authentic self during play and navigating new connections, to find partners who are more naturally aligned to play with your desires and personality,” she explains. This means that doing bratty, cheeky things should feel natural to you, and in the same vein, a tamer should feel inclined and turned on by taking on this role.
One of the fun parts of being a brat is that it’s super accessible to anyone. “Talk about the [brat] fantasy and start off by bringing it into your every day,” Saynt suggests. “If your partner asks you to do something like 'pass the remote,' refuse [to do so].”
When you’re first starting out, being really clear that this is part of the “game” can be very helpful. “Speak in a higher octave and engage your inner brat,” Saynt says. “Say things like ‘What are you gonna do about it?’ [and] then take your punishment like the spoiled princess [or prince] you know you can be.”
Since this dynamic hinges on pushing and playing with “limits,” Play says that communication in a brat/brat-tamer dynamic is really important. Everyone should feel safe within the erotic game. “This applies to both sides; it’s just as important that the sub makes the dom feel safe to play this type of game as it is for the dom to check in with the sub,” he says.
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If you think the Fifty Shades franchise deserves all the credit for making BDSM mainstream, think again. Some of Hollywood's biggest stars have been tackling roles with onscreen BDSM for years. Here are 14 movies and TV shows that invited A-list actors to explore their own shades of grey/gray.
Of course we have to include it. Johnson and Dornan star in the film adaptation of the Fifty Shades trilogy, meaning they've engaged in lots of BDSM on screen.
Often heralded as one of the best BDSM films of all time, 2002's Secretary follows the relationship of a dominant boss and his submissive secretary. Coincidentally, the boss, played by Spader, is named Grey.
The movie focuses on the affair between psychologist Carl Jung and Sabina Spielrein, who was initially a patient of Jung's and later became a physician herself (not to mention one of the first female psychoanalysts). The pair explore their sexual impulses, including bondage and spanking.
The infamous leg-crossing scene gets all of the attention, but Stone's character Catherine Tramell is also very into bondage.
This steamy '80s movie follows the dominant/submissive relationship between Mickey Rourke's John Gray (yes, another Mr. Gray) and Kim Basinger's Elizabeth McGraw.
Behold: Charlize Theron wielding a riding crop in a flapper dress for Head in the Clouds.
On Showtime's Billions , Paul Giamatti stars as Chuck Rhoades Jr., the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, who enjoys a private BDSM relationship as his wife's (played by Maggie Siff) submissive.
In the second season of Amazon's hit Transparent , Sarah Pfefferman (played by Amy Landecker) begins a BDSM relationship with a dom called Pony.
Doctor Who star Billie Piper's turn as a dominatrix in ITV2's Secret Diary of A Call Girl is iconic.
In 2000's The Cell , Jennifer Lopez is bound by Pan in a trippy twist on BDSM.
Liv Tyler donned a tight PVC costume for her BDSM scene in the comedy, One Night at McCool's .
Gretchen Mol starred as pin-up girl Bettie Page in this biopic that also delved into her work posing for bondage shoots.
In a guest role on House , John Cho played a man who turns out to be the submissive in a dom-sub relationship with a dominatrix. It's a medical drama, so there aren't a lot of sexy scenes, but it does show how dom-sub relationships manifest outside of the bedroom.
Netflix's series Bonding was all about the life of a dominatrix-by-night/grad-student-by-day (Zoe Levin) and her friend/assistant (Brendan Scannell).
Kayleigh Roberts is the weekend editor at Marie Claire, covering celebrity and entertainment news, from actual royals like Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle to Hollywood royalty, like Katie Holmes and Chrissy Teigen. She’s a Ravenclaw who would do great things in Slytherin. To learn more about her, google “Leslie Knope eating salad GIF.
We are living through history this week.
And, says a royal author, the three Cambridge kids are set to fill it.
For just £3.75 million, it’s yours.
AOC's husband-to-be is an "easygoing redhead" who lives with her in D.C.
Once you've finished 'The Crown,' cue up one of these royally good films.
Also Daniel Radcliffe was in two minds about 'Harry Potter.'
And we mean fully nude—as in, not a shred of clothing.
"The easiest yes!" Simone wrote about the couple's engagement.
They welcomed a baby via surrogate.
Marie Claire is part of Future plc, an international media group and leading digital publisher. Visit our corporate site .
© Future Publishing Limited Quay House, The Ambury, Bath BA1 1UA. All rights reserved. England and Wales company registration number 2008885.
At Future, we have many other great brands you might like - are you happy for us to contact you with news and offers from our other brands?
We also work with some great partners - are you happy for us to email you from time to time on behalf of these partners?
More stories to check out before you go
The best of Marie Claire in your inbox
Sign up below to get the latest from Marie Claire, plus exclusive special offers, direct to your inbox!
Thank you for signing up to Marie Claire. You will receive a confirmation email shortly.
There was a problem. Please refresh the page and try again.
Marie Claire is supported by its audience. When you purchase through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission. Here’s why you can trust us
If you think the Fifty Shades franchise deserves all the credit for making BDSM mainstream, think again. Some of Hollywood's biggest stars have been tackling roles with onscreen BDSM for years. Here are 14 movies and TV shows that invited A-list actors to explore their own shades of grey/gray.
Of course we have to include it. Johnson and Dornan star in the film adaptation of the Fifty Shades trilogy, meaning they've engaged in lots of BDSM on screen.
Often heralded as one of the best BDSM films of all time, 2002's Secretary follows the relationship of a dominant boss and his submissive secretary. Coincidentally, the boss, played by Spader, is named Grey.
The movie focuses on the affair between psychologist Carl Jung and Sabina Spielrein, who was initially a patient of Jung's and later became a physician herself (not to mention one of the first female psychoanalysts). The pair explore their sexual impulses, including bondage and spanking.
The infamous leg-crossing scene gets all of the attention, but Stone's character Catherine Tramell is also very into bondage.
This steamy '80s movie follows the dominant/submissive relationship between Mickey Rourke's John Gray (yes, another Mr. Gray) and Kim Basinger's Elizabeth McGraw.
Behold: Charlize Theron wielding a riding crop in a flapper dress for Head in the Clouds.
On Showtime's Billions , Paul Giamatti stars as Chuck Rhoades Jr., the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, who enjoys a private BDSM relationship as his wife's (played by Maggie Siff) submissive.
In the second season of Amazon's hit Transparent , Sarah Pfefferman (played by Amy Landecker) begins a BDSM relationship with a dom called Pony.
Doctor Who star Billie Piper's turn as a dominatrix in ITV2's Secret Diary of A Call Girl is iconic.
In 2000's The Cell , Jennifer Lopez is bound by Pan in a trippy twist on BDSM.
Liv Tyler donned a tight PVC costume for her BDSM scene in the comedy, One Night at McCool's .
Gretchen Mol starred as pin-up girl Bettie Page in this biopic that also delved into her work posing for bondage shoots.
In a guest role on House , John Cho played a man who turns out to be the submissive in a dom-sub relationship with a dominatrix. It's a medical drama, so there aren't a lot of sexy scenes, but it does show how dom-sub relationships manifest outside of the bedroom.
Netflix's series Bonding was all about the life of a dominatrix-by-night/grad-student-by-day (Zoe Levin) and her friend/assistant (Brendan Scannell).
Kayleigh Roberts is the weekend editor at Marie Claire, covering celebrity and entertainment news, from actual royals like Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle to Hollywood royalty, like Katie Holmes and Chrissy Teigen. She’s a Ravenclaw who would do great things in Slytherin. To learn more about her, google “Leslie Knope eating salad GIF.
We are living through history this week.
And, says a royal author, the three Cambridge kids are set to fill it.
For just £3.75 million, it’s yours.
AOC's husband-to-be is an "easygoing redhead" who lives with her in D.C.
Once you've finished 'The Crown,' cue up one of these royally good films.
Also Daniel Radcliffe was in two minds about 'Harry Potter.'
And we mean fully nude—as in, not a shred of clothing.
"The easiest yes!" Simone wrote about the couple's engagement.
They welcomed a baby via surrogate.
Marie Claire is part of Future plc, an international media group and leading digital publisher. Visit our corporate site .
© Future Publishing Limited Quay House, The Ambury, Bath BA1 1UA. All rights reserved. England and Wales company registration number 2008885.
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The world of BDSM contains not only its own sex acts (Is smelling a foot sex? Sure, if it gets you off!), but its own highly-robust vocabulary, too. Since all that terminology can be intimidating for newcomers, let’s start with the basics: “BDSM” stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism—the core pillars of kinky fun. Beyond that, there’s a whole language to describe the consensual power exchange practices that take place under the BDSM umbrella . Whatever you're into, just make sure to snuggle and practice lots of aftercare when it's all said and done, especially if anyone involved is a painslut and needs ice after some impact play.
At press time, “kink” is not a language you can learn on Duolingo, so here’s a handy glossary of some of the most common BDSM terms, from A to Z.
A is for Aftercare Aftercare is the practice of checking in with one another after a scene (or “play session,” a.k.a., the time in which the BDSM happens) to make sure all parties feel nice and chill about what just went down. The dominant partner may bring the submissive ice for any bruises, but it’s important to know that aftercare involves emotional care as well as physical. BDSM releases endorphins, which can lead to both dominants and submissives experiencing a “drop.” Aftercare can help prevent that. There’s often cuddling and always conversation; kinksters need love too.
B is for Bondage Bondage is the act of tying one another up. In most cases the dominant partner is restrainin
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