Getting Over Your Ex Wife Dating

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Rapper Eminem may be known for his controversial lyrics, but he is equally known for his on-again, off-again relationship with his wife — they have been married and divorced several times to (and from) each other.
Think this is a situation that only famous people get placed in? Think again. It happens all the time to people who are teachers, professionals, and average parents. Is it ever appropriate to get back together with an ex-spouse?
Does It Work the Second Time Around?
“I can see all different kinds of circumstances why you might end up dating someone you’ve broken up with,” says Jessica Bollinger, a therapist in Lexington, Kentucky. “I think what you can bring into dating your next spouse is a new beginning, taking in and bringing in new learning that you have about relationships, because we’re different people every day, and we’re changing and growing every day. You’re kind of bringing in your new self.”
People can always tell when they are falling for an ex-spouse again.”That’s a natural thing to come up to people. It’s not an accident,” says Catherine Tucker, a therapist in Sacramento, California. The questions you should ask if that happens to you include: “What do you want to do? Is it an unresolved relationship? Have they worked on it before? Have they been to therapy? Has it not worked?”
“If they’ve done it all, they need to say, ‘This won’t work. Let’s not do this. We have the kids and everything else. If we want to try this, we can’t just have these little rendezvous.’ I guess I’d have to ask myself this. How does it serve me to stay stuck? Why am I allowing myself to remain emotionally stuck, instead allowing myself to stay here?”
“A couple gets a divorce and has their reasons for doing that, and after the divorce can decide for any number of reasons that they want to get back together again,” says Kevin Rhinehart, a social worker and marriage therapist in Boise, Idaho. “That can be a good idea, I suppose, provided that there’s been a real honest assessment of why they got divorced in the first place, and how each of the parties contributed to that, and how they contributed to the overall dysfunction in the marriage.”
Avoiding an important discussion about problems could harm your second attempt. “If those issues haven’t really thoroughly been addressed, what they’re asking to do is to replay the whole drama out,” Rhinehart says.
“People also want to get back together, because there is that sense of love and attachment missing in divorce. They may be lonely, afraid or in a financially difficult situation, and those kinds of factors tend to push people in the direction of wanting to get back together,” he says, “and often, people can’t figure out their own minds.”
Tucker agrees. “There’s a reason why people got divorced, and if you haven’t really resolved your own reasons within yourself, you’re setting yourself up for problems again,” she says.
Bollinger comments that the second marriage can work if people change their ways. “Being able to re-date and reconnect with an ex would be about learning new things about your ex and bringing in your new self back to the relationship.” After all, you can learn about yourself and life with time, and so you may have changed. “You might have new relationship tools to be able to work out whatever the disconnection was before,” she says. “You might have gained a lot of insights to be able to realize we might not have been that far off base with each other in the previous relationship, and maybe we can make an effort and it can be successful.”
Tucker warns, however, that partners shouldn’t be hopeful. “Actually, I know people who have gotten back with an ex, and does it work? Sometimes, the answer is yes. Occasionally, though.”
No relationship works when people don’t put an effort into it.”The statistics are that people don’t know relationships will work, and everyone’s relationships take work, and when a relationship requires some conscious work, a lot of people just exit, and then you get up, getting divorced,” Bollinger says.
She suggests the following for former partners: “Be curious. You don’t have to make a commitment right away, and just take it as it is. A lot of people have gone and divorced without doing a little bit of work to see what was triggering someone — their partner and vice versa. Why not get back together and work on it? It might not be too late.”
If you have gotten divorced and want to date or still have a crush on your ex-husband or ex-wife, here are 12 tips:
1. When getting divorced, make a list of the reasons why you made that decision to refer to later.
Tucker explains, “When people are getting divorced, you keep a list of the reasons you get divorced, and you pull out that list. It’s obviously a much bigger list of the problems, because if there weren’t reasons, you wouldn’t be divorced.”
2. Set aside a group of people to rely on as a neutral party for future help.
“I also recommend for people that get divorced that they have an accountability panel. They don’t have to necessary like them, but these people need to be trustworthy and honestly speak the truth, and when they call them, they need to honestly tell them, ‘This is why you got divorced.’ That should be set up before they’re even divorced,” Tucker says.
3. Remember that if you are interested in getting back together with your ex, you must try twice as hard this time.
“I think it’s rare — I think it can work, and absolutely, it takes a lot of work from both people to do what they need on themselves and together, and it can’t be just one person doing it. It has to be both,” says Tucker.
4. Talk with your kids about it, and tell them the truth.
“If you’re dating the person you broke up with, I think it’s important to have a conscious communication with your children about what’s up and what’s going on, because they could have their expectations, and they don’t really know what your expectations are as a parent, dating dad again, or dating mom again,” says Bollinger.
5. Never stay together if the relationship’s problems run deeper than disagreement, like abuse.
“If there’s not domestic violence or sexual abuse, addiction, and no one’s willing to get help, there are certain conditions where I say, ‘Forget it,'” says Tucker.
6. Look to your own mistakes that you made in the first attempt at the relationship.
“I think you need to take a step back and do some pretty honest self-assessments. Ask, ‘What’s going on that would make me want to do this?’,” says Kevin Rhinehart, a therapist in Boise, Idaho.
7. Then study how the relationship has changed.
“If it made you that difficult the first go around, what’s changed? ‘How am I different? How is my partner different? How is the nature of our communication? We do have a newfound love again, but why?’ I think reconciliation can be very helpful, provided that the issues have been addressed,” says Rhinehart.
8. After all this, then make the decision to stay with your ex or leave him or her.
“If the people have truly examined what the issues are, not just topically, about it, that’s when you don’t get back with a spouse,” says Tucker.
9. Keep in mind that some problems will always be there, and you will have to change your reactions to them.
“If there aren’t enough conditions, sometimes, it’s worth fighting for. For example, if someone has a jealousy issue, they’re going to have a jealousy issue no matter where they go,” Tucker says.
10. See if you can try to change your own issues that have become part of your routine.
“The question is, ‘Have I truly invested the amount of energy and time that this relationship is worthy of, and if i have then, it’s time to let go, but if I haven’t, the truth is I’m gonna take my faults into the next relationship no matter where I go,'” says Tucker.
11. Follow your heart, regardless if other people gossip about you.
“Just stay open, and be conscious. Do not make any judgments. Coming back back and dating each other again to know, ‘Oh, it does take work, and maybe with some work, we can have a good, conscious relationship,'” says Bollinger.
12. Remember that if you still feel like your ex is special, it’s worth a try.
“You might not have known that breaking up might not have been the right thing to do. You might have made a hasty decision there,” says Bollinger.
13. Don’t talk yourself into giving up.
“I think most, not all people, give up too easily in our society, in terms of marriage,” says Tucker.
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Jackie, I can’t get over my ex-wife and wondering how I ever will. A few years ago, a friend of mine was going through a long divorce and she said…..
Jackie, I can’t get over my ex-wife and wondering how I ever will.
A few years ago, a friend of mine was going through a long divorce and she said to me, “It’s been two years and I’m still not over it. I WANT to be over it—over him, but I just don’t know how to do it.”
I felt sorry for her because I get it. No one can help a person get over their ex-husband/ex-wife. The person has to do it on their own, and on their own timetable.
Sure, there are things you can do to TRY to get over your ex–like see a therapist, engage in a new hobby, find faith, exercise, start volunteering, focus on career, etc. etc. and they might help, but the letting go part is all up to you. YOU are the one deciding when you can accept it and move on. No one else can do that for you.
As far as WHY you can’t get over your ex-wife, there are several possible reasons. But instead of listing them, I am going to offer:
6 things to do if you NEVER want to get over your ex
The beauty about getting over your ex-wife/husband is that it happens when you least expect it (in my opinion.) All of a sudden, you realize that you didn’t cry today. And then two weeks later, you realize you haven’t cried in a week, and then in a month and then 6 months. You find yourself enjoying life and thinking less and less about him or her. It’s a little sad, in a way, and you almost miss that pain, just because you lived with it for such a long, long time. But healing can feel empowering and liberating. There’s nothing better than that moment you look in the mirror and think, “Wow, look where I was a year ago, and look at me now.”
Divorced Guy Grinning is a blog for men facing divorce and dating after divorce. It's kind of like hanging out with your platonic female divorced friend and hearing her perspective on your divorce and your love life issues.
While I am currently experiencing number three on your list of what not to do, "Rewrite history", by imagining that everything was always cheery, I find that my wife is experiencing number three in reverse. She keeps telling me how I put her through ten torturous years of marriage, and how me finally moving out was the best day of her life, and how she is so much happier now. She can't seem to remember a single positive thing about our marriage. I guess it depends on who gets dumped and who did the dumping. I, who got dumped, and keep hoping that she'll take me back, remember many happy moments. She, who got rid of me, needs to justify it by painting me as a no good husband who only made her miserable. She keeps telling the kids, "We are all going to be happier now", but I keep thinking that only she is. Three people have to become unhappy for her to gain her happiness.
Luis I know your comment is months old, but it sounds nearly identical to my situation. Are you doing any better now?
I completed understand what you're saying. I'm in exactly the same situation as you! It's heart breaking because I know her decisions is wrong but right for her.
My "ex" wife plays me monthly knowing i want her back.she acts they way she acted when we first met.pulls me in then makes up with her boyfriend and throws me away. Blocks my calls. Idk wat to do...
Jackie Pilossoph July 19, 2016Reply
They say the first/biggest step in not repeating bad behavior is recognizing it. That you have done. So why do you keep going back? You probably don't like yourself when you do that. You would have such self-respect and feel great if you just ignore her advances. Be very kind and friendly, but distant-like an acquaintence/business associate. Do you really deserve having someone play games with your heart like that? I don't think so!!
"There are 6 billion people on this planet" - I've heard that before - however, half are male, millions are too old or too young, millions are not attractive, and I am in the middle of a West Texas town with very few women. Yes, with so many people on the planet there are certainly women who I would be thrilled to be with, but they are not available to me geographically. My ex is still in town, and I get to see her with her boyfriend....
I'm in the same boat Luis, nothing I did was right nothing she did was wrong. same number of people but I guess as long as she is happy.
I just got divorced 3 months ago...I did alot..but me and my ex ..hang out more..dinner dates...movies..Disney World. ..I love her so much...I pray alot..prayer does help...Guys if you want these women back....Change. ..for yourselves. ..if nothing else it will prepare you for a better situation. ...God knows it's a daily struggle. ..my ex wife is up and down.....
WOW DOUG!! deep down i want this to work out and the truth is she and i are severly not right for each other. reading that you and your ex hang out more. i felt hopeful. like that is what i want for me and my ex also. i also know i would be just wasting time. but i still want that right now. CONFUSED/LOST/DESPERATE/PLAIN STUPID ME.
I do pray ,Doug I want my family back together.I wish mine was like yours and would have given us a chance. Instead ,she told me she wanted a divorce and moved out a week later,found out she was with a guy from work,she has now been with 5 guys so far now living with 1 ,each a clone of each other,charged our son 12 with sodomy on our 4 year old ,which dcf dropped .Has not seen our son In 6 months but texts him every now and then.We were married for 16 years and have known her for 38 years .She no longer speaks to anyone from her past it's like she has a new life at 42 ,I think she has gone insane
Wow great for y'all for me it's not that easy I'm going through divorce now my ex wife hates me and seems I cry every day
RoyrRrRrRRoyRTORRoy Davis April 03, 2016Reply
My world crunbled about 6 months ago when my (now ex) wife told me she wanted a divorce. I suspected that she had (or still has) an emotional affair. Like the guys in this post I was always faithful, supportive, dont do drink or drugs, love our teenage son, took care of her whenever she was ill and suppported her academic ambitions, loving her through good times and bad. Then to be informed that "at least I am a good father! " After 22 years together, those words cut me like knife. I feel no good anymore, broken and desperately lonely. I am somewhat older than she and had just retired, only to have my life turned upside down and inside out. And for what? A feeling? Unfilled? No purpose to life? Please explain somebody how this can happen to someone who would have given his life to her. And what of him, this person in the shadows? How does he fit in to all this? Where is the justice in it all? Please tell me.
My wife exploded my world 5 years ago, and I loved her dearly. Time. Time will help. Prayer Understanding she wasn't committed and accepting it.
My divorce was finalized at the end of January, though we split of up 3 years ago. She remarried recently and I can't seem to move on. I don't know what it is. I'm not sure i ever got over her. Or maybe my sadness is because I feel like I let my daughter down. Either way, I can shake this feeling of blame, even though we're approaching the 4th year of being split up, and with her being remarried, etc.
My wife left me 6 months ago apparently I made her so miserable she just kicked me out with nothing to my name.She has left me in mass amounts of debt but I still love her so much,I gave her 4 years of my life and she just binned me and now it's put a gap between me and my daughter as I work allot'I supported her and her son my stepson on my own wage for 3 out of the 4 years we was together she was short for nothing I had everything and now I'm so lonely it's caused me mental illness the lot absolutely heartbroken how some women can just switch off
That's just it. Some people have the ability to keep from getting as deeply emotionally attached as others. In the beginning of a relationship they seem as googly eyed as anyone else, but they are secretly guarded. I have had to learn the hard way (several times) that you "never go full retard". My ex and I were together for 20 years. married for 15 , and have two children. I was no saint, but I was always faithful and I never would have left her for the reasons she left me, and still don't quite believe her. But, as you so aptly stated, some people just have the ability to flip that switch and be done. That "switch" is merely the ability to not go full retard. We are all better off by ourselves. There is a strength in independence that I never knew before. I was raised to believe that I wasn't complete without the love of a woman. I have had the love of a woman more than once, and while it certainly has it's moments, the price is much too steep. I will never marry again.
My wife left me 3 weeks ago, I found out she has been having an affair for around a year, she's pregnant to him too. What the hell do I do, she's moved back into our home saying that she's stopping until she gets somewhere, but she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want any communication between us.
My hubby left me 2 months ago and man it has been tough, being in a 5 and half years marriage. We had arguements who doesn't? ! Thiught arguements were heathy. I worked my butt off and provided for me and hubby. He didn't appreciate it, we had arguement and I accidentally threw a hair spray can, no lies it hit his head slightly and bounced off his head and hit our wall clock. It was a bad move which I regret from this day but he was okay after being seen by the emergency room. I went to my mother's home that night and found my hubby left with all his stuff. I was devesrated. He just a divorce piece of paper signed in Islamic marriage. Written divorce x3 I was shocked. I didn't know our relationship was that of bad 😟😟. So it's been 2 months no contact, only known he's staying with his mate and chances of reconciliation is out of the window. I do love him and want him back !
Stephen Krikszens August 01, 2016Reply
I feel for each and everyone who is devastated by divorce. My
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