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Mental Health
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Depression
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Personality
Shyness
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Low Sexual Desire
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Sex
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Trending Topics
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Neuroscience
The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
The mere mention of the word "fetish" usually makes people squirm and feel really uncomfortable--like they just wet their pants. It's not pleasant, which is why I only feel safe discussing this taboo topic behind a protective 15-inch screen.
But you know what? Fetishism isn't hiding anymore.
Gary Brooks writes in The Centerfold Syndrome (1995):
"The difference between the sexual fetishist and the mainstream American man may not be as extreme as we have wanted to think. American boys, adolescents, and men are being taught, classically conditioned if you will, to become sexually obsessed with constant, intense, sexually arousing fantasies , and to make their sexual arousal more dependent upon use of sexualized images of nonliving objects than on real women with whom they are in relationships."
He cites a study in which a whopping 88 percent of Stanford MBA students "read" the Victoria's Secret Lingerie catalog. Oddly, Playboy , a magazine devoted to the bare physique, also publishes a special lingerie addition. Hmmmm.
In the past 15 years, what was once a taboo fetish (lingerie) has become a ho-hum obvious fabric of the American male psyche. Same goes for Baywatch (specifically a certain blond bombshell's mammaries) popularizing and celebrating the "giant boob" fetish that has enlarged the lucrative plastic surgery industry.
Since both these fetishes have gained mainstream acceptance, they are hardly stigmatized. Today, they are considered normal, perhaps, even healthy.
Simply, because enough of us admit to it. Back in the Victorian Era--remembered fondly for its extreme sexual repression --men got turned on by the sight of bare ankles. Sounds weird now, but then, that was the trend. Imagine how well Birkenstocks would have done back then!
The Victorian Era also spawned another fetish: spanking .
Myriad engravings, photos, and fantasy novellas depicting spanking and flagellation were circulated secretly among the conservative Victorians. I wonder if Lady Bumtickler's Revels ever became a best seller.
Apparently lots. Spanking magazines were hits in the 1980s. They featured spank fiction and photos that catered to both man-spank-woman and woman-spank-man audiences.
A google search reveals that there are about 2,740,000 websites relevant to "spanking fetishes." Still, it's considered abnormal or strange.
So, I can't help but think: Are fetishes bad?
Not necessarily. Dr. Daniel Harrop says, "There is nothing particularly wrong with fetishes, as long as no one is being hurt."
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), it is only when a person is experiencing "fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors [which] cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational functioning," that he should seek help.
One technique in cognitive therapy aims to change the patient's behavior through aversive conditioning (exposing patient to a displeasing stimulus once he is aroused by fetish). In "thought stop," the therapist tells the patient to think of the fetish, and then immediately shouts, "Stop!" so the patient will be irritated and lose his focus. Eventually, the patient learns to interrupt these undesired thoughts using the same technique.
Psychoanalysis studies the patients' traumatic unconscious experience, which is the root cause of the fetish. Typically, dream analysis, talk therapy, and play therapy are common methods of psychoanalysis.
Take a look at the next generation of fetishes. Will they one day join the ranks of the once stigmatized, but now widely accepted foot fetish?
10 Weirdest Sexual Fetishes Introducing an entirely new class of weird:
1. Acrotomophilia : sexual attraction to amputees, specifically their stumps.
2. Animal Transformation Fetish aka Furries : sexual attraction to anthropomorphic animal characters, i.e., dressing up as a stuffed animal or playing with stuffed animals.
3. Infantilism aka Adult babies : desire to be treated as an infant or toddler. Can or cannot be sexual. There are an estimated 100,000 adult babies worldwide, and one-third of them are also diaper fetishists. Here is an excellent case study of an adult baby.
4. Abasiophilia : sexual attraction to those who have disabilities, i.e., leg braces, casts, crutches, wheelchairs. This attraction is most likely triggered by an event in early childhood . It is most common among those who were children during the 1940s-1960s during the heyday of polio.
5. Crush fetish : sexual arousal from crushing things like insects, frogs, rodents, and lizards. This fetish also begins in childhood. In 1999, the US Congress criminalized the creation, sale, or possession of crush films depicting animal cruelty.
6. Emetophilia : sexual arousal from vomiting or watching others vomit.
7. Balloon fetish aka Looner : sexual arousal from inflating or popping balloons. Some Looners simply enjoy the color, smell, touch, and movement of the balloon.
8. Formicophilia : sexual arousal from insects crawling on your body.
9. Panty fetish : sexual arousal from panties. In Japan, vending machines and Burusera shops used to sell used school girl panties.
10. Hybristophilia aka Bonnie and Clyde syndrome : sexual attraction to criminals. Doreen Lioy sent fan mail to and eventually fell in love with serial killer Richard Ramirez while he was in prison. They eventually married in San Quentin State Prison.
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Jen Kim is a former Psychology Today intern and a graduate of Northwestern University.
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Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
The Couples' Guide To Getting Kinky
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You’ve probably heard the term kink thrown around at some point before, likely as an adjective to describe sex moves that aren’t the norm. If you’re having kinky sex, that probably means it’s going to be hot and freaky. If you’re watching kinky porn, you might be going down the rabbit hole of niche porn videos, from horny wives to watching naughty couples go at it with BDSM toys. But, how far does the scope of what’s kinky go, exactly?
"Kink, as it's often referred to are sexual practices that are interpreted as non-conventional in our culture,” explains sex therapist Dr. Kat Van Kirk . “There can be a wide spectrum of what people think is kink. What seems kinky to you may be par for the course for the next person. It can run the gamut from sex toys to BDSM, to dirty talk to role playing, deep throating, pegging, sex swings, blindfolds and BDSM play -- and many options in between."
Basically, we’re talking about some pretty wild things to do to your girlfriend to have some freaky sex tonight. That doesn’t have to just refer to the acts taking place in the sack, either. Getting kinky can start way before the two of you are even in the same room together, by sexting each other steamy messages about what you plan to do to each other to get the juices flowing (if you know what I mean).
Ready to learn everything you need to know about kink? Here’s our comprehensive guide to getting kinky with your partner tonight.
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Don’t worry, there’s some beginner stuff here, too.
If you've only rotated between two or three sex positions in the past month, it's probably time to spice things up (for your own pleasure's sake). Taking relationships—whether long term, a casual fling, or a FWB—to the next level and getting a little kinky doesn’t have to be as intimidating as it sounds. In fact, there are basic, accessible ways to make sex feel more erotic without going into full BDSM mode (unless you want to).
Plus, if you’re in a serious relationship, talking about your kinks and preferences can help you feel more connected to your partner, says Kate Balestrieri, licensed psychologist, certified therapist and founder of Modern Intimacy .
"Introducing kinkier elements into your sex life together can create a sense of adventure and deepen sense of trust," Balestrieri says. "Inherently, it gives you the opportunity to talk about things on a deeper level, discuss different boundaries, debrief and evaluate together in a way that couples sometime forget to do when they have the same routine sex life."
Now, the term "kink" gets thrown around a lot, thus carrying a lot of ambiguity. At its most basic level, kink refers to unconventional sexual preferences or behaviors, says sex therapist Veronica N. Chin Hing-Michaluk , LMHC. "[So] if kink is defined as anything that exists outside of the norm, I challenge you to think about whose norm you’re conforming to," she says. Touché.
Your brand of kink might be sex with multiple partners at once; it might be having your partner secretly use a remote control vibrator on you while out with friends; it might include using sex toys with your partner in the bedroom. If you're unsure about what your kinky preferences are, licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin suggests easing your way in. "I think a lot of people, for some reason, have this idea that if you’re going to try kink, you have to go all the way. You don't."
Before springing bondage gear on your partner, discuss your boundaries and desires, making sure you're on the same page about what you're both down to try, she says. Also, don't forget to come up with a mutual safe word. It's critical not only when you want to stop, but also when you’re nearing your limit, says Chin Hing-Michaluk. "Having that framework with kink can help you pace yourself, and figure out how fast or slow you want to go," she says. Say it with me now: Consent is sexy!
Now that you're familiar with the basics, you might wonder how exactly to dip your toe in rougher waters. Depending on what you like, the first step might be as simple as adding some new moves into your erotic rotation. These 25 positions for kinky sex are a great start. (You'll even find recommendations to spice up the most basic positions—yes, I’m talking missionary—that'll pretty much guarantee next-level orgasms .)
PSA: The table isn't necessary with Table Top position (#themoreyouknow). "I love this position because you can do it anywhere," Balestrieri says. "You can do it on a countertop, on an armchair in the living room, or the sofa. It’s even great if you’re in a secluded space and you want to be standing outside the seat of your car."
If you have great upper body strength, Balestrieri recommends playing with some levitation, a.k.a. not using a table for support.
Do it: Any surface that hits your partner at crotch height will do. Have them enter you while you’re sitting or lying at the edge of a table, counter, or maybe even your bed.
Champagne Room can provide a much-needed escape for all involved. "Facing away gives us the opportunity to pretend that we’re strangers," Balestrieri says. It can provide an opportunity to disconnect and "experience the sensations without having to include or manage the experience of a partner," she adds.
For the person on the bottom, watching someone go to town on you from behind can elevate the sexiness, too. "It can also give the impression, for the person who is on the bottom, of being used in a positive way, which can be really erotic," Balestrieri says.
Do it: Your partner sits on the edge of a chair or bed, and you sit on top of them, facing away. Move up and down on their lap at your leisure.
Not only is Spork on the kinkier side, but it also prevents huge strain on the body because of how the parties involved are resting on each other, Balestrieri says.
"It also gives people a lot of flexibility and opportunity for eye contact, which can be great if you’re playing with any kind of power dynamics," she adds.
Do it: Lie on your back and raise your right leg so your partner can position their body between your legs at a 90-degree angle and enter you. Your left leg can lie straight out on the bed, or you can bend it to manipulate the depth of penetration. For a rear-entry variation, lie on your stomach, bend one leg, and have your partner position themselves in between your legs. Options!
Yeah, yeah, I hear you: "Missionary? Kinky?" Well, this is just a testament that any position can be enhanced. What's more, Balestrieri says it’s easy: All you have to do is add eye contact and sync up your breathing. "When you add that synchronicity of the breath and the eyes together, it can really bring a lot of heat and a lot of feelings," she says.
But, if you’re looking to go the extra mile and really give it to your partner, try using an arousal serum for extra stimulation. Another option? Incorporate some dirty talk. "Dirty talk can elevate even the most vanilla positions," Balestrieri says.
Do it: Do I really need to spell this one out? Okay. Lie on your back while they lie fac
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