Getting Into Bdsm
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Getting Into Bdsm
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How BDSM Can Help Save Your Relationship
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W hile 50 Shades of Grey has brought BDSM into the mainstream, many couples regularly practice the lifestyle, which refers to sex practices including domination, bondage and sadomasochism. But is it healthy to add a little spanking and submission into your sex life?
Dr. Stephanie Hunter Jones , a certified sex therapist, works with couples to introduce BDSM into their bedrooms — and she told Motto that she’s seen the practice completely revive partnerships. “It definitely makes a difference for damaged relationships,” Dr. Jones said.
Dr. Jones spoke with Motto about her work, what impact BDSM can have on relationships and how “vanilla” couples can start getting a little kinky.
Motto: What impact can BDSM have on relationships?
Jones: For couples already involved in it, they’re no different from any other couple. They have the same concerns. BDSM is an expression of one’s uniqueness of their sexuality, and I always find that our BDSM couples are very blessed because they’ve found a partner that is a good fit for them.
But I also help vanilla couples introduce BDSM into their relationships, sometimes, in a bid to save their unions. I recently had a couple come in recently and the wife was in tears. She said she wasn’t attracted to her husband anymore and that she thought their marriage was over. They had been married for about ten years. So I met with them individually and found that their relationship was a total power struggle. He was totally dominating her in the relationship. So I gave them assignments where she would “dom” him in the bedroom. And it totally saved their marriage. And they’ve become lifestylers.
I often prescribe BDSM for power struggles or control issues. Or, if one partner had a bad sexual experience in the past, I prescribe it as a way to give that partner back some feeling of control.
So, how can a couple that’s never tried BDSM before organically introduce it into their relationship?
There’s lots of videos available online. I would check those out and do some research. I also frequently refer my clients to doms, and let the doms show them the safe way to play. You can have a session with a dom, who will demonstrate the ropes and different types of exercises you can do in the bedroom.
Here’s one scenario: one person — playing the dom (the person in power) can pretend to be the CEO of a company and the submissive can be an employee.
There’s absolutely nothing to be afraid of when it comes to BDSM. People think it equals pain. But, in reality, BDSM covers everything from playful role-playing to spanking to tying up your partner and teasing them with a feather. You can go as heavy as you want — as long as it’s consensual. But you don’t need to, either. You can always just dip your toe in — and that will still add a level of erotic energy to sex play with your partner.
How can couples stay safe — and consensual — while trying out BDSM?
BDSM play is always consensual. I work with the couples to create a safe word — meaning whenever one of them says that word, what’s going on must stop. No questions asked.
They also are supposed to talk beforehand. The scene played out shouldn’t be organic until they’ve done it enough so they know each other’s limits. When they’re just starting out, they must discuss the scene in advance and lay out what’s going to happen.
How should one partner broach the subject of trying out BDSM?
I’d recommend going to a sex-positive sex therapist and talking it out there. Or if you feel comfortable enough, I would just talk to your partner — and recommend starting out small. Say: “I’m interested in getting a little bit more playful in the bedroom — maybe some role playing or spanking.”
I’m a big advocate for getting help outside the bedroom. I think sex therapists are incredibly helpful. They can really help you get off to a good start.
Have you ever seen any negative effects of introducing BDSM into your relationship?
If a partner is using BDSM to hurt themselves or someone else, that’s not your traditional BDSM relationship. Otherwise, I don’t think there’s any harm introducing it whatsoever.
Some of my more mature couples initially giggle when I give them BDSM exercises to do, but when they report back to me, they love the experience. They say they felt like they were in high school again. They felt it was something new and unique to do in the bedroom, and it’s playful and fun.
Don’t be afraid to get outside your comfort zone. You and your partner can totally transform your relationship.
This interview has been edited and condensed.
Write to Samantha Cooney at samantha.cooney@time.com .
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Key points
Two to three percent of American adults play with BDSM.
When trust trumps the possibility of harm, the result can feel incredibly intimate and erotic.
The skills required for BDSM include trust, clear communication, self-acceptance, and acceptance of the other person.
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In the child’s game, Trust Me, one person stands behind the other. The one in front falls backward, trusting the other to catch them before crashing to the floor. Trust Me contains an element of danger, the risk of not getting caught and getting hurt. The person falling places great trust in the person catching. When the falling player trusts the catcher enough to let go completely, and the catch happens as planned, both players experience a moment of exhilaration that’s difficult to duplicate any other way.
BDSM is similar. The myth is that it’s abusive and weird—whips and chains! Actually, it’s about trust. When trust trumps the possibility of harm, the result can feel incredibly intimate and erotic.
There are several terms for BDSM: power-play or domination-submission (Ds) because one lover has control over the other, at least nominally; sadomasochism (SM), which involves spanking , flogging, or other types of intense sensation; and bondage and discipline (BD), which involves restraint. But the current term is BDSM.
Many people consider BDSM perverted, dehumanizing, or worse. But aficionados call it the most loving, nurturing, intimate form of human contact and play. People can have sex without conversation, negotiation, or any emotional connection. But in BDSM, the players always arrange things in advance with clear, intimate communication, which creates a special erotic bond.
Ancient Greek art depicts BDSM. The Kama Sutra (300 A.D,) touts erotic spanking, and European references date from the 15th century. But BDSM flowered during the 18th century when some European brothels began specializing in restraint, flagellation, and other “punishments” that “dominant” women meted out to willingly “submissive” men.
In 1791 the French Marquis de Sade (1740-1814) published the first SM novel, Justine , which included whipping, flogging, nipple clamping, and restraints. His name gave us “sadism.” DeSade was imprisoned for criminal insanity, one reason many people consider the sexual practices he popularized crazy.
In 1870, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (1836-1895), published the novel, Venus in Furs , about male sexual submission. His name inspired “masochism.”
In 1905, Freud coined the word, “sadomasochism,” calling its enjoyment neurotic . The original Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-I, 1952) classified sexual sadism as a “deviation.” DSM-II (1968) did the same for masochism. DSM-IV (1994) lists SM as a psychiatric disorder.
But all available evidence shows that the vast majority of BDSM enthusiasts are mentally healthy and typical in every respect—except that they find conventional (“vanilla”) sex unfulfilling and want something more intense and intimate. Before condemning BDSM, remember that not too long ago, oral sex and homosexuality were considered “perverse.”
Two to 3 percent of American adults play with BDSM, most occasionally, some often, and a few 24/7. That’s around 5 million people. Meanwhile, around 20 percent of adults report some arousal from BDSM images or stories.
There are public BDSM clubs and private groups in every major metropolitan area and throughout rural America. Many cities have several.
If you’re repulsed by BDSM, don’t play that way. But BDSM imagery pervades society. Henry Kissinger once called power “the ultimate aphrodisiac.” Kings and nations have fought to dominate others. Capitalism assumes a dog-eat-dog world where succeeding means exerting control. And in sports, players strive to “humiliate” opponents.
But what kind of person feels sexually aroused by pain? Many people, who are perfectly normal in every other respect. Again, consider sports: When football players make brilliant plays, teammates often slap their butts, punch them, or slap their helmets. Recipients accept this “abuse” gratefully as a sign of appreciation and affection. Or consider a hike up a mountain. You get sunburned. Thorns scratch your legs. And by the time you reach the summit, you’re aching and exhausted. Yet you feel exhilarated.
Sadly, media BDSM has grossly distorted the pain that submissives experience. It’s more theatrical than real. When performed by ethical, nurturing dominants (“doms” or “tops, ), BDSM is never abusive.
“It’s always consensual,” says Jay Wiseman, author of SM 101. “Abuse is not.” You don’t need restraints, gags, or whips to abuse someone. In loving hands, the equipment heightens sensual excitement, allowing both players to enjoy their interaction, or “scene,” as good, clean, erotic fun.” When BDSM inflicts real pain, it’s always carefully controlled with the submissive (“sub” or “bottom”) specifying limits clearly beforehand.
Subs are very particular about the kinds of pain—many prefer to call it intense sensation—that bring them pleasure. “They experience the pain of bee stings or a punch in the face exactly like anyone else,” Wiseman says, “and dislike it just as much.”
BDSM is more theatrical than real. Participants carefully choreograph their moves in advance.
First, participants agree on a “safe” word, a stop signal that the sub can invoke at any time. The safe word immediately stops the action—at least until the players have discussed the reason the bottom invoked it, and have mutually agreed to resume. A popular safe word is “red light.”
Some terms should not be used as safe words: “stop,” “no,” or “don’t” because both tops and bottoms often enjoy having subs “beg” tops to “stop,” secure in the knowledge that they won’t.
Any top who fails to honor pre-arranged safe words violates the bottom’s trust and destroys the relationship. Tops who fail to honor safe words are ostracized from the BDSM community.
Although bottoms feign subservience, the irony of BDSM is that the sub is in charge. Bottoms can invoke the stop signal and tops vow to obey immediately. Meanwhile, tops act dominant, but they must also be caring and nurturing, taking bottoms to their agreed-upon limit, but never beyond it. In this way, BDSM provides an opportunity for everyone to experiment with taking and surrendering power, while always feeling safe and cared for. People who enjoy BDSM say it results in amazing erotic intensity.
Before experimenting with BDSM, get some instruction. Read a book, take a class, visit Web sites or clubs.
It takes extensive negotiation to arrive at mutually agreeable BDSM play. Wiseman says that before
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