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Because your brain doesn't shut off when you're getting off
When you're taking some solo time to get in touch with your body, it's pretty much a judgment-free zone. You can do whatever, say whatever, and think whatever you want—nobody here to please but yourself! But just like your mind can wander when you're in bed with a partner , it's pretty much impossible to turn your brain off when you're getting busy with yourself. Really, who hasn't had the following thoughts while they were getting off?
1. "Oohh yeah…see, why is this so hard for other people to understand?" It's not like your clitoris is on an undercover mission—it's right there. Well, to be fair, you probably know this layout a little better than your partner. But still.
2. “Wait, did I lock the door?” Whatever, you probably did. It’s not like your rooommate ever comes home this early…but what if she does? How embarrassing would that be? Okay, you should get up and check. It’ll only take two seconds.
3. “Okay, this isn’t really working. Where’s my vibrator?” I mean, your hand is great and all, but it doesn't have six different settings and pleasure beads…whatever those are. Now, where did you put it?
4. “Welp, porn it is!” You can only replay that same hot scene with your ex in your head so many times. Plus, you've seen his new Facebook photo, and…well…he does not look the same. Looks like you're firing up the laptop. Internet, don’t fail us now!
5. “Eew no, that is definitely not hot.” Help! How did I click my way into this terrifying section?! ABORT ABORT!
6. “Mmm… now that is a celebrity fantasy I can work with.” Back to old school fantasizing. Hmm...wonder if Jesse Williams will be in the Magic Mike sequel? That's in the works, right? (Answer: YES .)
7. “ WHO is texting me right now?!" You are this close to an orgasm and now your phone decides to blow up. Ugh. Rookie mistake—should have set that baby to vibrate.
8. “YES! MAN, I am good.” Is there some sort of medal for this? If not, there should be…
9. “I definitely deserve another round.” Why? Because you can.
I did not laugh this time. I stared, open mouthed, at the tiny sphere as if it was the last of some beautiful, endangered species: my clitoris, an elusive snow leopard that had finally wandered out of its cave.
I did not laugh this time. I stared, open mouthed, at the tiny sphere as if it was the last of some beautiful, endangered species: my clitoris, an elusive snow leopard that had finally wandered out of its cave.
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I was 14 and I was having slippery feelings. I was having them for Roelle, the sophomore with giant tits who told me she liked my shirt, before crawling under a wool blanket to make out with her boyfriend on the front lawn of the high school. I was having them for Eleanor, who told me it was her dad’s birthday the three times I asked her to hang out. I was even having them for Colleen, who was only 4’7”, and who ate her height in Taco Bell tacos, and who therefore smelled like she had been bathing in a vat of expired salsa.
“I hate girls!” I said slumping down next to my sister, Sarah at our kitchen table. “They never like me,” I looked up at Sarah hopefully. “Do you think they like me?” I looked down at my hands. “They don’t like me. What am I even supposed to do?”
Sarah was 17 and an encyclopedia of sexual knowledge. She listened in her typical way; nodding, while sticking golf-ball sized clumps of corn muffin into her mouth. After several seconds of chewing, she spat the remains onto the kitchen table and rolled new, gooier balls of corn muffin that were then chewed with the same casual indifference as the first batch.
“Well,” she said, “You can always masturbate.”
I traced my fingers across the chipped surface of the table. “I don’t really think I’ve figured out how to do that yet.”
Sarah paused, her face frozen in an expression of pain, as if something bitter and alive had just been found in her food pile. “You don’t know how to do it?!”
I glared. I hadn’t come here to be mocked. “It’s complicated down there!”
Sarah gave me a tight smile. “Okay, because I love you,” she lowered her voice to a whisper, “And because I don’t know how you’ve managed to stay alive this long without an orgasm, I’ll show you what to do.”
She pointed to a pen and a pad of paper by the phone in the hallway and I scurried to fetch them.
“Do me a favor,” Sarah said, yanking the pen out of my hand and testing it out on her arm. “After today, don’t ever talk to me about this again.”
I nodded eagerly as she began to draw.
“Ok this,” she said making a swift line down the center of the paper, “is your vagina.”
I burst out laughing, “Even I know it doesn’t look like that!”
Sarah crammed another lump of muffin into her mouth and pointed the pen at me. “I will stop right now. I don’t even care. This isn’t for me.”
I bit the inside of my cheek, and nodded for her to continue. Sarah drew a circle at the bottom end of the line, her hand pressing down hard, causing the ink to blot in some places. “This,” she pointed authoritatively, “is the butthole. Don’t bother with it.” She drew a hasty “X” through the circle.
Sarah drew another circle halfway up the line. “This is your vagina hole, where the babies come out, and, if you were normal and liked penises, where guys would have sex with you. Don’t bother with that either.”
Sarah then carefully traced a small circle at the top of the line. “This,” she hesitated, her voice rising to a high, embarrassed crack, “is your clitoris.”
“The thing at the top?” I breathed.
Sarah smiled tightly again. “Yes,” she said. “That’s the thing you want to,” she squirmed her fingers in the air, “touch or whatever.”
Sarah put the pen down and started pinching the last bits of muffin off the table. My eyes jogged from the radiator, to the dishwasher, to the pots hanging on the wall. I began to wonder how I could manage to leave the room without making it obvious that I was leaving to go masturbate.
I pointed at the stairs. “So I’m gonna –”
“Yeah,” Sarah interrupted, sliding the piece of paper across the table to me. “I don’t need to know.”
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A SUBSTITUTE teacher has been accused of filming herself masturbating in front of a class of second-graders, cops say.
Amelia Ressler, 30, was arrested on Friday and charged with 19 counts of child molestation, which allegedly took place at Mt Zion Elementary School, according to local police.
The school is near Carrollton, a city about 54 miles west of Atlanta, in Georgia .
School officials notified investigators of “allegations of misconduct” by the teacher.
The Carroll County Sheriff’s Office 's subsequent investigation found that Ressler had “engaged in indecent and immoral acts while in the presence of school aged children."
“It appears she was masturbating while the classroom was full of kids,” Ashley Hulsey, with the Carroll County Sheriff’s Office, told WAGA .
The 19 counts represent one of each child in her second grade classroom, cops said.
According to Husley, investigators found evidence of the indecent act when someone in the community saw a video and alerted the school.
“We obtained video evidence because she videoed it herself and disseminated it and we were able to get a hold of that evidence,” she said.
Hulsey also said that investigators were in the process of conducting interviews with students who were present in the classroom during the alleged incident.
Additional charges could be added based on those interviews, according to Hulsey.
“It’s one of these things the kids are going through that they shouldn’t,” she said.
“The mental anguish that it’s causing these children and parents, that was our drive behind working this case, getting it down quickly, getting her put in jail as quickly as possible.”
Ressler is currently being held in the county jail. Bond has not been set, jail records show.
The Sun has contacted the school for comment.
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