Gentle Penetration
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Gentle Penetration
Copyright 2022 © Intimacy in Marriage
I’m often touting the deep need for healthy communication between a husband and wife about sex. (Well, about all things, but let’s stay on point here with sex).
Without good communication— solid listening and feedback and verbal expression of feelings and thoughts —a married couple is left to rely on assumption to navigate their sexual way.
Assumption does not lay down a solid track to phenomenal sex. It just doesn’t. It’s not hard to see why a married couple would be left sexually disappointed if the only tool with which they are working is assumption.
All penetration and thrusting are not created equal. You don’t have to have sex more than about once to know this, but it still is something a husband and wife may not intentionally talk about. Like ever .
They fall into patterns of “this is just how we do it,” and either it doesn’t occur to them to speak up about what may make the experience more enjoyable for each of them OR they are hesitant to speak up out of concern of implying that their spouse doesn’t know what they are doing.
But maybe they don’t know what they are doing. That’s not a bad thing. It just a revelatory thing. It’s a clue that some coaching may be in order.
Just like all aspects of sexual arousal and pleasure, a fair amount of communication can go a long way. Through giving and receiving feedback and through trial and error, you can better use penetration and thrusting.
Yes, as a husband, your penis is what is penetrating and thrusting in your wife’s vagina. But both of you are participants in those actions.
Well, by right , I don’t mean 90 degrees. I mean there is more than one angle when it comes to intercourse, and the most phenomenal lovemaking incorporates at least a few, that’s for sure!
The angle at which the penis is going in and out of the vagina matters. Some angles are more enjoyable and some can be painful. Key here is try different angles to see what brings about more pleasurable sensations for both of you.
As a woman, your husband’s penis will likely stimulate your clitoris more pleasurably if the shaft of his erect penis is in more direct contact with your clitoris (as opposed to his penis sliding back and forth under it but not on it).
Angle also can determine how well the head of the penis is stimulating the wife’s G-Spot. Various angles also intensify stimulation of the penis in different ways, making sex more pleasurable for a husband.
So how do you try out different angles? Varying positions is one of the best ways, as well as making slight adjustments within each position.
For example, the wife on top gives her a lot of control in determining the angle at which the penis is coming in and out of her vagina. A wife can be on top facing her husband (often referred to as cowgirl) or facing away from him (often referred to as reverse cowgirl). Both allow various penetration angles.
During missionary position, you can adjust angles with a pillow under the wife’s hips or by the husband moving forward so his chest may be more aligned with his wife’s face, as opposed to them being face-to-face.
The husband entering his wife’s vagina from behind also gives them angles that are quite stimulating. Some women particularly find this position stimulates their G-Spot.
There are so many sexual positions that afford you various angles for penetration and thrusting. You won’t know until you experiment a bit and see what you each enjoy.
As a husband, how deep are you penetrating your wife? Have the two of you talked about what you each enjoy? Incredibly deep penetration can be quite arousing for both a husband and a wife. Or it may be painful (particularly for the wife).
Key here is to find the threshold between what is optimal depth without something becoming painful.
And let’s not assume there is no value to shallow penetration being included as well.
In fact, varying the depth throughout a lovemaking session can be quite tantalizing. Arousal and pleasure can build as a husband varies how deep he is penetrating his wife; sometimes shallow, sometimes a little deeper and sometimes very deep.
As I have mentioned a bazillion times, communication is key. Tell each other what feels good. Show each other what feels good.
It’s not unusual as a husband’s arousal is increasing that he wants to go deeper. And it’s not unusual that as a wife feels her husband’s penis within her and her pleasure increasing, she may want him to go deeper, possibly even expressing this by pulling him deeper into her or demanding he go deeper.
Great sex happens in the shallow and in the deep. Learn from each other how to adjust and appreciate various depths to the fullest.
Rate matters. The rhythm and speed at which a husband moves his penis in and out of his wife’s vagina— or how she moves him in and out of her, if she is on top —has a dramatic effect on the sexual pleasure and climax they each experience.
As with everything we have talked about thus far, this really comes down to preference and communication. I will say, though, that I think varying the rate, especially early in a lovemaking session, can enhance arousal and pleasure. It’s kind of like teasing, but in a good way—how a husband can oscillate between speeding up and slowing down.
Yes, of course, there likely will reach a point where the desire to go faster is what you both need to climax hard. But getting to that point affords you room and opportunity to vary your rate. Think of a lovemaking session loosely as both a marathon and a sprint.
Copyright 2020, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog. Links may be monetized.
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I want to keep championing you Julie to encourage us readers to keep those vital communication lines open. Sadly, for my wife and I, we waited far too long before we really started to talk honestly about our sex life, our likes and dislikes and to even talk about the matter of sexual penetration and thrusting. Now, we talk freely and openly and it really had made a great difference to our sex life – even though there hasn’t been a lot of change in our positions or sexual activity. We encourage each other during sex and after sex, we discuss what just happened, what was nice, what was different and what didn’t quite work out. We no longer take sex so “seriously” but are learning to laugh at those things that didn’t work.
We’ve learnt what works and mix things up slightly to add variation. Sadly, because of our age, taking up “challenging” positions really are not on the menu for us and we’re okay with that. Add in my wife’s battle with cancer and the resultant lymphedema and different positions become even more limiting and challenging. But, we are both very determined (and stubborn!) people and so we are still working out what works best and enjoying the process. It really is a learning journey. We still keep experimenting (as long as our bodies allow us too!), trying new things just to see if it adds more fun and more pleasure to our sexual journey and life together. Reading blogs (like yours) help us explore more. We often discuss what we’ve read and if we haven’t tried what was written then we get to work to try it out. It’s all part of the fun!!
Julie, thank you so much for addressing this topic! I prefer this type of topic over any other, as it really gets to the heart of the matter when it comes to sex.
First of all, I just love the word. It’s both a noun and a verb, and such a descriptive word, too. Beyond that, I think thrusting is the essence of great sex, and while a seemingly simple act, it has many variants as you wisely noted.
Second of all, I echo each of the points you said. Rate and pace does matter. Communication is key here, as you said, and the pace can differ depending on position, too, or even the mood of the moment. In my case, I prefer an aggressive pace, especially when getting pounded doggy style.
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4 Best Gentle Sex Positions For Virgins (And Anyone Who Likes Pain-Free Sex)
Kiarra Sylvester is a relationship writer and sex expert based in Atlanta. You can find her on Instagram .
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By Kiarra Sylvester — Written on Apr 15, 2021
Losing your virginity is supposed to be a special and intimate time, but can be associated with a lot of fear, especially for women.
The average age people have sex for the first time is around 16 for guys and around 17 for girls. Despite this relatively young age, teacher Anna Thea says , "There is literally almost no education supporting a virgin. And virgins need a lot of support during this rite of passage."
Oftentimes there is fear around how much it will hurt and how gentle the sex will (or will not) be.
But losing your virginity is not a one-size-fits-all experience and the expectations are so high that first-timers are often left disappointed and some people experience pain.
Yes, your first sexual experience with penetrative sex can hurt, and that's why finding the best position to lose virginity can make your first time better and more intimate.
Planned Parenthood explains that the first time you have vaginal sex there might be pain and bleeding due to deeper penetration, but it doesn’t happen to everybody. Some people naturally have more hymenal tissue than others — this pain and bleeding can happen when their hymen ( a thin bit of skin that partially covers the vaginal opening ) gets stretched.
If it still hurts after your first time, you can slowly stretch your hymen tissue with your fingers over time to make it less painful. However, if you don't stop bleeding you should see a doctor because something may be wrong.
For guys, sex isn’t usually painful. Sometimes friction during their first time may cause irritation on the penis, but using lube can fix this.
According to a 2005 Society for Sex Therapy and Research member survey , vaginal sex typically lasts three to seven minutes and for the first time, it usually is lower.
We spoke to Sexpert Michelle Hope to see how to reduce pain during sex for everyone, but especially virgins having sex for the first time and her simple overarching advice was that comfortable sex starts with good lubrication and good communication.
That means you need to amp up the foreplay , fellas — our expert tells us women take longer to warm up.
"When we're talking about the most comfortable sex positions it's not always about the position, although yes, that's very important," says Hope. "It's also about lubrication and making sure you're lubricated enough to allow the vagina to stretch because during arousal a vagina can deepen from 2 to 4 inches, so it was definitively built for things to come in and go out — so it's more about lubrication."
Therefore, it's completely okay if you decide to use extra lube for your first time.
"Also, the best position is communication and rooting your sex experience in communication: what feels good and what doesn't feel good and how do we communicate stop if we need to and set boundaries. Because that's really a part of safe-play is actually knowing that you're safe, which can allow the body to relax and open up the vagina, which can allow for easier penetration," Hope continues.
Masturbating before having intercourse for the first time is highly recommended.
This way you have a bit of an understanding of what works and doesn't work for your body and you can communicate this to your partner. This can also help you figure out if you are ready to have sex.
Thea says, "First, if you can't talk about sex with the person you are attracted to then you shouldn't be having it. Your ability to communicate openly about your sexual needs is really important as you become a sexually active person."
If you’re feeling nervous, tell them. Tell them if you’re scared it will hurt. This way you can both adjust and find a solution to help you feel comfortable.
Together, you can take precautions to ensure that you’re both as physically and emotionally comfortable as possible. Also, communicate during the act. If you need him to go slower, tell him. Speak up when it hurts or something feels wrong.
Lots of eye contact can help with open communication.
If it's your first time (and you're a female) you probably won't orgasm. This is just because for women to reach that climax point it takes much more than it does for guys. In fact, research suggests that 11 to 41 percent of people with a vagina have difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner.
So have a realistic expectation of what losing your virginity will be like. It will probably be awkward instead of this perfect, magical, and romantic night.
It can still be a great time, it can feel like love. Just a little awkward and you might end up laughing. Just be ready for your first time to not be what the movies make it out to be.
You've probably heard this before, but the girl-on-top positions in reverse or just plain ol' cowgirl is a top-pick because it gives women more control of how deep your partner's penis is going.
If she isn't ready to take more, then she can go at her own pace and control the pain and discomfort.
"The benefit of the missionary sex position is the eye to eye contact, which allows you to make a connection with the person you're having sex with, which I think is very important when losing your virginity. Because my hope would be that it's consensual and intimate and you're able to look each other in the eye and you're able to communicate," explains Hope.
Make sure you're maintaining intimacy through a regular face-to-face missionary sex position to decrease discomfort for both parties.
Besides, communication is something that most of us desire when we're losing our virginity.
However, Hope also points out that much like "Girl on Top," this position allows you to guide the penis and take it piece by piece, if necessary.
If you're looking to dive into doggy style as with anything, baby steps are crucial. "Oftentimes from-behind [insertion] can be way too deep," explains Hope.
She recommends for the woman to lay on her stomach while trying the doggy style position (as opposed to being on fours) with her legs together since this is a position you can control with your glutes (by squeezing) to control the penis from going in too deep.
The spooning sex position , either face-to-face or face-to-back, provides the same sense of control that can be gained from lying on your stomach.
Beware: She does warn that while this gentle sex position is more comfortable, it might be challenging if the man has a small penis .
"If you're losing your virginity and your partner doesn't have a big penis, some of these positions might not work for you. And not everybody has a teeny-tiny vagina," she says.
It's a gentle reminder from Hope that not every experience with gentle sex or losing your virginity will be the same.
Thea however, disagrees. "If the couple is on their side facing each other this gives the virgin space and time to navigate her sexual response system so that she doesn't feel pushed and will more easily avoid pain. Remember sex is supposed to be pleasurable."
Thea continues, "Side by side sex is what I would highly recommend as a virgin navigates the waters of becoming a sexually active adult."
Hope says, "women take about 10-12 minutes to become aroused, and men are much quicker than that. Setting the tone and the mood is setting you up for success!"
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