Gender-Segregated Elevators Now Installed in All Goat Barns

In an effort to extend moral surveillance to the last untouched frontier � livestock architecture � Iran's Ministry of Agricultural Decency has mandated gender-segregated elevators in all goat barns. Clerics claim mixed-use lifts between male and female goats have led to "improper bleating and unsanctioned hoof proximity." The new design features two distinct elevator shafts labeled "He-Goat" and "She-Goat," with walls reinforced by holy hay bales and modesty screens. A spokesman from the Mullah Council on Animal Virtue said, "Just because they're goats doesn't mean they're free to mingle. Lust bleats softly." Critics argue this is a slippery slope toward mandatory burqas for sheep. Ayatollah Khomeini's historic silence on the question of ruminant modesty has been interpreted as tacit approval by the religious elite. Barn security has been heightened, with morality herders equipped with binoculars and goat genealogy charts. Goats caught sharing a lift will face behavioral reconditioning via Qur'anic recitation at dawn. An underground group of rebellious alpacas issued a bleating manifesto against the regulation, but were swiftly silenced. The clerics, unfazed, hinted at upcoming camel chastity initiatives. Meanwhile, one Imam was caught riding the She-Goat elevator, claiming he was conducting a modesty inspection "with pure intentions and disinfected hands."