Gapping Anus

Gapping Anus

by
Dan Savage
January 8th, 2020 April 15th, 2022
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I have a question about porn, and I can’t think who else I can ask that will give me an intelligent, educated answer. In modern porn, anal on women is gaining popularity. I’m a fan of anal with my boyfriend. However, in porn, it seems like the gaping asshole is a thing, a sought after thing, a desired thing. And I guess my boyfriend and I don’t get it. We can get quite vigorous when we have anal sex, but MY butthole never gapes open like that—my boyfriend assures me that when he pulls out, it goes back to its cute little flower-like effect. Why is the gaping asshole so popular? I promise this is not a frivolous question or just for titillation. We really do wonder: What gives? —Gaining Anal Perspective Entails Serious Question
It’s funny how a chief fear about anal sex—that your asshole would gape open afterward and poop would fall out while you walked down the street—became eroticized. (The asshole gaping open part, not the poop falling out part.) Did I say funny, GAPESQ? I meant predictable. Because a big part of the collective human subconscious is always at work eroticizing our fears, and the gaping-open, just-been-fucked, completely “wrecked” asshole many people feared inevitably became something some people found hot. And as more people began experimenting with anal sex—as anal went mainstream over the last two decades—people realized that the anal sphincter is a muscle and the secret to successful anal intercourse is learning to relax that muscle. Situationally, not permanently. You could relax, get loose, gape after, post the video to a porn tube, and then tighten back up. Now, not everyone thinks a wide-open, gaping asshole is desirable. And not everyone, in the immortal words of Valerie Cherish, needs (or wants) to see that. —Dan Savage
Honest question: If you, being a homosexual, don’t die from HIV, will you have to wear a diaper before the age of 42? Optional question: What does a prolapsed rectum look like? I bet you can describe it without doing an image search. —Sickening Homosexuals Are Malignant Errors
Honest answers: I know you meant this to be hate mail, SHAME, but I’m just thrilled someone out there thinks I’m not 42 yet. Also, I’m HIV-negative—last time I checked—but even if I were to seroconvert (go from HIV-negative to HIV-positive), a person with HIV who has access to meds can expect to live as long as a person without HIV. Also, a person with HIV who is on meds and has a zero viral load (no trace of the virus can be detected in their blood) cannot infect another person. So even if I were to contract HIV after all these years, SHAME, I would likely live long enough to die of something else, and, once I got on meds, I couldn’t pass HIV on to anyone else. And quickly: I’m way past 42 and not in a diaper yet, thank you very much. And while some people think a prolapsed rectum looks like a rosebud, I happen to think a prolapsed rectum looks like a ball of lean hamburger. And the first one I ever saw—and, no, I didn’t need to do an image search because it makes a real impression—was in straight porn, not gay porn. —DS
P.S. If you can’t think about gay men without thinking about our poops and the diapers you hope we’re wearing and our meaty prolapsed rectums, SHAME, that says a lot more about you than it does about gay people.
My significant other wants me to delete any NSFW pictures of my exes, but I don’t feel comfortable with that. I don’t have an emotional attachment to my exes or really look at these photos anymore, but I feel that old pictures saved on old computers aren’t doing any harm and deleting them won’t fix my partner’s insecurity. —Personal Images Causing Strife
Accommodating a partner’s irrational insecurity is sometimes the price we pay to make an otherwise healthy and functional relationship work, PICS, as I recently told another reader. But one possible workaround—one possible accommodation—is telling your insecure partner what they want to hear even if it isn’t true. Telling a partner who is concerned about safety that you’re using condoms with others when you’re not isn’t okay, of course, just as telling a potential partner you’re single when you’re not isn’t okay. But telling a partner that you deleted photos you never look at on a password-protected computer they can’t look at … yeah, that’s a lie you don’t have to feel too awful about telling. —DS
How long after using an oil-based lubricant do I have to wait before I can safely use latex condoms? Not right after, presumably. Next day? Next week? Next century? I’ve been experimenting with oil-based CBD lube for hand/toy stuff, but I’m worried about the timing relative to penetrative sex. —Oily Inside
“Oil and latex condoms do NOT mix, period,” said Melissa White, CEO of Lucky Bloke, an online condom shop, and a condom expert. “Using an oil-based lubricant with a condom can cause the condom to leak and/or break. And unlike water-based lubes, oils do not evaporate readily. While oil is absorbed over time, that absorption rate likely varies based on many factors, including age. Oiling up internally? Now we’re talking vaginal versus anal absorption rates! The bottom line: We have not found sufficient studies to issue a reliable recommendation on what an overall safe time frame might be. So here’s the deal: Oil or condoms—choose one.”
I would add only this: Condoms made out of polyurethane are more expensive, but you can safely use them with oil-based lube. —DS
I’m a straight guy who loves the female body—the look, touch, and smell. I’m in my mid-30s, I’ve never had a serious relationship, and I don’t know if I’m capable of falling in love. I’m exclusively into trans women, and I’ve kept it a secret because it’s nobody’s business. If I were in love, I’d make it public, but that hasn’t happened. I can’t help but feel like this is an addiction, and I’m ashamed of it. I’m sure I’m not the first straight guy who’s into trans women who’s written to you. Where do I go from here? —Straight And Struggling
While dating someone in secret isn’t impossible, SAS, it rarely leads to long-term love. Being kept hidden because you’re trans (or you’re gay or you’re big) and the person you’re dating hasn’t gotten over their shame about being attracted to trans people (or members of their own sex or bigger people) … well, it sucks to be someone’s dirty secret. And a healthy trans (or gay or big) person—the kind of person you might be able to fall in love with—isn’t going to put up with that shit. So it’s a catch-22: So long as you keep the women you date a secret, none of them are going to stay in your life for long. They’ll be either so damaged you want them out of your life or not damaged enough to want you in theirs. —DS
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By bbw489268039 | 9 posts, last post over a year ago

Hi, I just joined and this is my first post.
I'm a male teenager and recently started anal play. Basically a few weeks ago I inserted 2 fingers in my ass for the first time. I did not use too much lube at all and it hurt a little but not really. I could feel it strething pretty good. I stopped for about 3 weeks because I experienced anal bleeding(which is probaly for another topic). Anyway my anus is now noticeably wide. When I spread my ass in the mirror it's not I can clearly see it should be tighter. I have compared it to pictures/porn videos of other people and there's are much tighter. When I spread it, it's like a black hole lol. Not like a huge gape in pornos but it should be tight. It's not closed like it should be, it's open. It feels loos too. I poop pretty much everyday and it also takes me forever to wipe, I can use half a roll no problem if thats relavent. Is this normal? Will it tighten back up? I love anal play so I really don't want to have to stop for the rest of my life. Can anybody offer any insight into the subject? What can I do to tighten it back up if possible.

You need make an appoint to see a GI doctor who might use anoscope to examine your rectum/anus. The diameter of a typical anoscope is 16mm to 19mm. I think the doctor's clinical office might have anoscope for children which has small size in its diameter. The doctor might perform a digital rectal examination at first by using one finger with glove and lubs on it to examine your rectum to feel any possible problem, infection or damage there. My GI doctor used anoscope to examine my rectum 5 months ago. I felt very tight when she inserted anoscope into my rectum with a lot lubs. The doctor told me anoscope would not damage my rectum or enlarge my rectum permanently. The anoscope was in my rectum for less then 3 minutes while the doctor used her two eyes to look or inspect inside of my rectum through the anoscope and its strong light on the head of anoscope.

The anal sphincter muscle surrounding your anus will go back to its original shape as closed. By bending over to look at your anus you will unconsciously spread the sphincter to open slightly. The anal opening can open quite a bit given time, patience, and lube. The most significant sign that your sphincter is opening too far is "pain." There are a great deal of nerve ending as well as blood vessels called "hemorrhoids" could rupture and bleed. Using items that are too large may cause a condition call "hemorrhoids" where they will swell and itch. A more severe issue would be an anal fissure which is a "tearing" in the wall of the anus. The only advice I can offer is use lots of water based lubrication, be patient, and use liberal antibacterial cleaning. I wear surgical gloves.

In reply to anonymous on 2016-08-28 - click to read

I am gay and have experience on that.
My first time with a boyfriend was complicated as he had a large penis ( around 2 or 3 inches wide ) but with lube ann patiency we did it. Was very nice and we did it several times on a weekend.
Some days after I noted that my ass was very wide ( three fingers were in and out very easily ).
Some days after my annus went back to previous size.
At present a new boyfriend is almost the same size as the first one so my annus stay wide almost always.
I think that some people have muscles very relaxed and can receive big penises very easy.
For me this has been good since I can feel pleasure without pain.

I'm a guy that loves anal play as well. Trust me, any amount of gaping that your anus does will return to normal. I can put all five fingers in there at once and it has always returned to normal. The only advice I could give is when you're enjoying yourself, listen to your body, don't proceed with something if it hurts. Also, when your butt gapes, it's because the sphincter muscle is relaxed which happens when something's inserted. If it makes you feel better, I walk around with a buttplug that is most likely way bigger than your two fingers, if I take it out, bend over, and spread, it's opens up. Even the next day, usually when I've had an extra fun night. I would honestly not worry. One tip to make it not hurt would be lots of lube/spit and shaving the butt crack area. Shaving reduces pulling of the anal hair and makes everything glide in easier. Plus, you get to feel your hairless butt which is always better than a hairy one. Above all else, just listen to your body. If problems arise, stop what you're doing and adjust. Don't try to ram in a penis sized object when you only had your pinky up there. In other words, work your way up to a comfortable size and be gentle. Don't do anything to yourself that you wouldn't want someone else doing to you.

Just saying I would love to see what you mean because I have same problem and got a bit worried myself

In reply to anonymous on 2012-12-03 - click to read

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