Funny Shit Of The Day

Funny Shit Of The Day
Ready to leave the seriousness and stress of the day behind you for a little bit? These funny things to say will do the trick!
Whether you’re looking for a few funny things to say that have some adult-rated humor or you’re seeking giggle-inducing one-liners to share with kids, this list of 100 hilarious things to say will have you and your loved ones laughing out loud in no time.
From funny things to say to a crowd to funny things to say to your coworkers, we rounded up the best LOL-worthy sayings all in one spot. So read on and share your favorites with your friends—or anyone really! After all, who couldn't use a little more laughter in their day?
1. I'm so glad we have brown cows, otherwise there wouldn’t be any chocolate milk.
2. 9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me I’m crazy. The tenth is just humming.
3. After Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
4. You should always knock before opening a fridge, just in case there's a salad dressing inside.
5. A successful man is one who earns more than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who knows where to look for such a man.
6. A pessimist is someone who has spent too much time listening to optimists.
7. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
8. My tallest finger loves giving people standing ovations.
9. Every woman should marry an archeologist, because the older she gets, the more he'll love her.
10. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
11. I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
12. A bag of money can represent not only wealth, but also massive inflation.
13. It’s funny how the cost of living is going up but the chance of living is going down.
14. Try calling someone just to tell them you can’t talk right now.
15. I am a great housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
16. Is there a connection between candy corn and corn nuts?
17. I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
18. The next time you buy a donut, complain that there’s a hole in it.
19. A cookie a day keeps your sadness away, but an entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
20. I'm not going to remarry. This time, I'm just going to pick a woman I don't like and give her a house instead.
21. If hamburger meat makes a meatloaf, then laziness will make me-a-loaf.
22. I had used up all of my sick leave, so I called in dead.
23. I am going to get my toe nail-pierced this Friday .
24. I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one abandoned me, but the second did not.
25. I've always thought air was free. That is, I did until I went out and bought a $3 bag of crisps.
26. Don't worry if plan A fails. There are 25 more letters in the alphabet!
27. An apple a day keeps the doctor away...if you throw it hard enough!
28. Organized people are those who are just too lazy to find their things.
29. Hi, I am (your name), but you can call me tomorrow!
30. A psychiatrist is someone who will charge you money for answers that you can get for free from your wife or friends.
31. If a market is well stocked, is it called the stock market?
32. Earth is like the insane asylum for the universe.
33. Sure, alcohol doesn’t solve any problems. But then again, neither does milk.
34. Barbie is so popular and yet, kids still buy friends for her.
35. If you lend someone money and never see them again, it was probably worth every penny.
36. Refusing to go to the gym is one of the best forms of resistance training.
37. I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.
38. Always remember that you’re unique...just like everyone else is.
39. Running in place will get you nowhere fast.
40. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
41. The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
42. Whatever is eating you must be really hungry.
43. LOL has gone from meaning "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say."
44. I promise to step on your feet if you dance with me.
45. I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
46. I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
47. Is cardboard more board than card or more card than board?
48. A best friend is someone who clears your search history immediately after you die.
49. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
50. Except for a parking meter, change is inevitable.
51. Is a heart attack the same as an attack of the heart?
52. We place too much emphasis on the early bird 's good luck and not enough on the early worm's bad luck.
53. I sold my vacuum cleaner because all it was doing was gathering dust.
54. I don't really need a hairstylist since my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning .
55. I tried rearranging the alphabet, but for some reason, the letters U and I would never separate.
56. Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
57. If you think no one cares whether you're alive or dead, just skip a handful of credit card payments.
58. Why aren't coffees served on a coffee table?
59. I would really like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
60. I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once,
61. Whiteboards really are remarkable.
62. Whoever said you can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop!
63. When you go to a public bathroom, put chocolate on your hands, reach under the stall and ask for a toilet paper.
64. Answers are what we have to solve other people's problems.
66. If you really want to look young and thin then you should hang out around fat old people.
67. A balanced diet simply means a having cupcake in each hand.
68. Try ordering a pizza 15 minutes before New Year, and when it arrives, yell, “You’re late! I ordered this a year ago!”
69. I don't understand how people can be so open-minded. Whenever I try, my brain keeps falling out.
70. The only thing I get out of Algebra is when I look at X and wonder Y.
71. How can you scoot along if you don’t have a scooter?
72. I’ll have a bloody mary because they say it helps cure hangovers.
73. It's difficult to do nothing because you never know when you're done.
74. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s exactly what you are looking for, go live with a car battery.
75. Just take my advice because I’m not going to use it.
76. Dogs can't see inside your body, but CAT scan.
77. What is the soul good for if laughter is good for the soul?
78. If history repeats itself, I'm getting a pet dinosaur.
79. Don't drink and drive. You might spill your beer .
80. You're in the wrong lane when everything is coming at you.
81. If you are on a diet, the first three letters of that word are probably feeling pretty accurate right now.
82. When someone tells you, “Have a nice day!”, stare at them and say, “Don’t tell me what to do !”
83. You are so annoying. You are so weird. You are so crazy. You are so stupid. You are so clingy. You are…just like me.
84. I’m out of my mind. I’ll be back in five minutes.
85. Alcohol and Calculus don’t mix. It's never a good idea to drink and derive.
86. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let my wife sleep.
87. If I tried to look as attractive as all of the celebrities I like, I'd end up looking about as ugly as I am.
88. If we were on a plane about to crash and only had one parachute, I promise I'd give an amazing speech at your funeral.
89. I am not as think as you confused I am really!
90. Try calling Pizza Hut just to ask Domino’s phone number.
91. Isn't it strange that cigarettes are sold in gas stations, since smoking is prohibited there?
92. Why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator if you're not supposed to eat at night?
93. Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
94. Please excuse my naivety. I was born at a very early age.
95. If your friends don't make fun of you, they're not really your friends.
96. If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a mural worth?
97. I’d be happy to give you a shoulder to cry on, except I don’t want my shoulder to get wet.
98. There are three different types of people. Those who can count, and those who can’t.
99. Try texting someone a random word and see what happens next.
100. It was as easy as a walk in the park... Jurassic Park .

IE 11 is not supported. For an optimal experience visit our site on another browser.
Susan Gary Photography / Getty Images
Christopher Willard / ABC via Getty Images file
imomsohard/Facebook imomsohard / Facebook
Kelsey Burkhalter Golden / Facebook Kelsey Burkhalter Golden
fiestascondjnova / TikTok Courtesy Ernest Palomo / TikTok
The latest viral funny videos, photos and hilarious stories that will have you laughing out loud.

Facebook
Twitter
Pinterest
Email

I don't like it
Nudity / Pornography
Irrelevant to this topic
There is no quote on image
Your intellectual property

Thank you! Don't forget to confirm subscription in your email.

Top 10 Funniest Shit Jokes and Puns

Following is our collection of funny Shit jokes . There are some shit fuck jokes no one knows ( to tell your friends ) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these shit taking a shit puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Mom: honey, the can opener is broken, can you help me?

Dad: guess you can call it a can't opener.
I was thinking, " I don't have time for this shit!".
"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"
She says, "Shit, some arsehole has my pen!"
He said no because I'm full of shit
When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.

I said, 'I shit you not.'
In a packed auditorium, a hypnotist hypnotized the whole audience with a Pendulum.
Suddenly, the Pendulum fell down.
He said "SHIT"...
It took 3 Days to clean the whole auditorium...
professor x: Whats your mutant power

me: I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try [points up] two pulls

professor x: [Stands up and pulls twice] not bad, but not a power

me: I'm kidding i can heal paraplegics

professor x: [Still standing] holy shit
then at 12:01 am, its just the same shit , different day.....
Satan asks them if either of them have any regrets.

Hitler: You know, I do.

Stalin + Satan: Really?!?!

Hitler: Yea, you know if I could do it all over again, I'd kill 6 million jews and a dog.

Satan: What?

Stalin: Why a dog?

Hitler: See! I told you no one gives a shit about the jews!
I said "holy shit, you guys lost him again?"
You can explore shit tiles reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean shit shat dad jokes. There are also shit puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together.

I shit you knot.
They're both thinking; "oh shit my mom's gonna kill me"
I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.
I still laugh every time I see a kid fall off a bike....
(For real this shit just ain't funny anymore fellas.)
Because they know it's full of shit.
A northeren fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
I said, "you can't be serious"

He said, "I shit, you knot"
Oh shit. It's just Bud Light, I'm ok.
A lady asked me if alcoholics run in my family

i said "No but they stumble around and break shit"
Satan meets him and tells him he's got to pick between 2 rooms. They go into the first room, and it's full of people standing on their heads on a marble floor. He takes him to the second room, and it's full of people sitting in an 18-inch deep layer of shit, drinking coffee. Guy figures that he likes coffee, and he'll get used to the smell, so he chooses the second room. He gets a cup of coffee, sits down and takes a sip. At that moment, Satan sticks his head back in the room and calls out Ok, everybody. Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!
Refusing to pay rent, making up excuses about hauntings.

I've lived here for hundreds of years. Not seen a single ghost.
One shoots but doesn't hit and the other hoots but doesn't shit.
But you offer someone a jar of your pickled panda and they lose their shit.
You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won
Most people think ants or bees, but ya know...flies have really been on top of shit lately
Three men were travelling on the same bike when they were caught by a policeman.
"Don't you know it's illegal for more than 2 people to travel on a bike? Why are there three of you?"

"Three?! Shit, where's James?!"
The moment I saw her there, dressed head to toe in khaki and covered in animal shit, I knew she was a keeper.
The first nun says, you would never believe what i discovered.

Intrigued, the other to signal her to continue. " i found a phone in the priests room." said the first nun.

oh that's nothing." said the second one, "i found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one.

" what did u do with them?" said the first nun.

The second nun responds with pride ," I poked **holes** in all of them."

The third nun screams, oh shit..."
Officer says, "sir do you know why I pulled you over?"

*"I have no clue". The man replied.*

"Have you been drinking, sir?"

*"Not any alcoholic drinks, officer".*

"Then what is that in your cup holder?"

"*that's a half-drank Smirnoff Ice.*"

"I thought you said you didn't drink any alcohol tonight?"

"*No, officer. I said I haven't had any "alcoholic drinks". All of my friends are alcoholics and not a single one of them drinks that shit."*

OC
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
I told him that's bat shit in Seine
To my suprise she said presidents day.

I asked her if she knew why we celebrate presidents day.

She said that its the day the president walks out of the white house and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of bull shit.
Mom: Do you actually want to date this useless piece of shit?

Me: Ma, she is a very nice person!

Mom: I wasn't talking to you.
"Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"
Pavlov walks into a bar. He hears the cash register ring and he says:

"Shit, I forgot to feed my dogs."
Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit.
So if you go for a shit at 11:59pm and you still on it at 12:01am does that literally mean it's same shit different day?
Me: I wish for mor-

Genie: No wishing for more wishes.

Me:

Genie:

Me: I wish for more genies.

Genie: Holy shit.

All the new genies: Holy shit.
Turns out he's pretty shit at karate.
A shame really, since they can't hear me for shit
I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's.

His mom beat the shit out of me.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building material for his home.

She read, . . . And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may i have some of that straw to build a house?'

The teacher paused, then asked the class, And what do you think that man said?

One little boy raised his hand and said, I think he said, 'HOLY SHIT! A TALKING PIG!?!'
It's your only body part that gives a shit
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
Give a reddittor a cake and he will farm the ever lasting shit out of it
But frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit!
-Knock knock

-Who's there?

-Grandpa!

-Oh shit, stop the funeral!

(Gary Delaney joke)
A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don't want you in this house anymore, pack your shit and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, I hope you die a slow and painful death you son of a bitch . The husband stops and says, I don't understand, do you want me to stay
But it's really good at moving shit around.
He was so good, I didn't give a shit.
The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had!!
God: welcome to the St. Peter's Gates. With my omniscient knowledge, I can tell you anything you wish to know.

Conspiracy Theorist 1: Who won the 2020 US Presidential Election?

God: Joseph R. Biden

Conspiracy Theorist 2: \*Looks at his friend\* shit dude, this goes even deeper than we thought
First one picks it up, looks at it and says: "Holy shit man, this dude looks so familiar."
Other one looks at it and says: "Man you're right! We better take this to the captain!"
When they come to the police station they show the mirror to the captain and ask him if he knows this man. Captain: "Of course i know him! He always sits opposite of me at the barber shop."
And they pass a gay bar
One of them turns to the other and says.
Do you want to go in and get shit faced
Worst part is you can't do shit about it
Apparently he can't do anything about it if I work from home
The woman smiles broadly and says, "TGIF"!

The man slowly turns to her and deadpans, "S.h.i.t."

The woman, thinking that he didn't hear her, slowly repeats "T.G.I.F."

He simply responds, "S.h.i.t.", just as slowly.

Exasperated, she laughs and says, "TGIF stands for Thank God It's Friday!, Silly!"

The man replies, "I know that but Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."
My wife went on a trip to her sister's.
On the plane they made her wear a mask.
Didn't do shit - she got chlamydia anyway!
Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!
Patient: hey doc i take shit every morning at 8 o'clock
Doctor: that's awesome what's wrong?
Patient:i wake up at 9 o'clock
Fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time...", while redneck tales begin with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
He has taken going to jail pretty hard. He is refusing all food, spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He has smeared the walls with his shit and is refusing to wear any clothes.

As a family we are united in our decision not to play Monopoly with him ever again.
I said to the lion handler Why do I do if the lion tries to attack me?

He replied Don't be afraid it's very simple, if the lion charges you, reach behind your back, grab a pile of shit off the ground and throw it in the lions face

I said to him But what if I reach behind me and there is no pile of shit on the ground?

To which the lion handler said Don't worry it'll be there
The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the ass before coming in? You got shit all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps with chapped lips?"

"Nah," says the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' 'em"
They call him a "no shit Sherlock".
You want to have it before shit happens, but they wouldn't let you have it because of the pre-existing conditions.
The little shit wants me to be gunned down in an alley.
I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."
He'll try anything three times.

*heard this in a literal bar with a drunk hill billy guy giving some guy shit. I had a good laugh*
We've just released our Greatest Shit
Fictional Sex Story
Nude Dolly
Erotic Extreme Stories

Funny Shit Of The Day

Report Page