Funny Sgit
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Funny Sgit
Published on April 1, 2016 , under Funny
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dilbertian → HR Tours Heaven and Hell
One day while walking downtown, a Human Resources woman was hit by a bus and was tragically killed. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an HR manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to with you."
"No problem, just let me in" said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in" the Saint replied.
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind.....I prefer to stay in Heaven".
"Sorry, we have rules....." And with that St. Peter put the HR Manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and the HR manager found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow HR professionals that she had worked with. They were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute), and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
The HR manager was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates where St.Peter was waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven" he said. So the HR manager spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity" he said.
The HR manager paused for a second and then replied, "well, I never thought I'd say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the consultant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks for the evening meal. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her and laughed at her.
"I don't understand," stammered the HR manager. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and grinned, "that's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."
Top 10 Funniest Shit Jokes and Puns
Following is our collection of funny Shit jokes . There are some shit fuck jokes no one knows ( to tell your friends ) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these shit taking a shit puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Mom: honey, the can opener is broken, can you help me?
Dad: guess you can call it a can't opener.
I was thinking, " I don't have time for this shit!".
"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"
"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"
"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"
She says, "Shit, some arsehole has my pen!"
He said no because I'm full of shit
When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.
I said, 'I shit you not.'
In a packed auditorium, a hypnotist hypnotized the whole audience with a Pendulum.
Suddenly, the Pendulum fell down.
He said "SHIT"...
It took 3 Days to clean the whole auditorium...
professor x: Whats your mutant power
me: I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try [points up] two pulls
professor x: [Stands up and pulls twice] not bad, but not a power
me: I'm kidding i can heal paraplegics
professor x: [Still standing] holy shit
then at 12:01 am, its just the same shit , different day.....
Satan asks them if either of them have any regrets.
Hitler: You know, I do.
Stalin + Satan: Really?!?!
Hitler: Yea, you know if I could do it all over again, I'd kill 6 million jews and a dog.
Satan: What?
Stalin: Why a dog?
Hitler: See! I told you no one gives a shit about the jews!
I said "holy shit, you guys lost him again?"
You can explore shit tiles reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean shit shat dad jokes. There are also shit puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together.
I shit you knot.
They're both thinking; "oh shit my mom's gonna kill me"
I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.
I still laugh every time I see a kid fall off a bike....
(For real this shit just ain't funny anymore fellas.)
Because they know it's full of shit.
A northeren fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
I said, "you can't be serious"
He said, "I shit, you knot"
Oh shit. It's just Bud Light, I'm ok.
A lady asked me if alcoholics run in my family
i said "No but they stumble around and break shit"
Satan meets him and tells him he's got to pick between 2 rooms. They go into the first room, and it's full of people standing on their heads on a marble floor. He takes him to the second room, and it's full of people sitting in an 18-inch deep layer of shit, drinking coffee. Guy figures that he likes coffee, and he'll get used to the smell, so he chooses the second room. He gets a cup of coffee, sits down and takes a sip. At that moment, Satan sticks his head back in the room and calls out Ok, everybody. Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!
Refusing to pay rent, making up excuses about hauntings.
I've lived here for hundreds of years. Not seen a single ghost.
One shoots but doesn't hit and the other hoots but doesn't shit.
But you offer someone a jar of your pickled panda and they lose their shit.
You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won
Most people think ants or bees, but ya know...flies have really been on top of shit lately
Three men were travelling on the same bike when they were caught by a policeman.
"Don't you know it's illegal for more than 2 people to travel on a bike? Why are there three of you?"
"Three?! Shit, where's James?!"
The moment I saw her there, dressed head to toe in khaki and covered in animal shit, I knew she was a keeper.
The first nun says, you would never believe what i discovered.
Intrigued, the other to signal her to continue. " i found a phone in the priests room." said the first nun.
oh that's nothing." said the second one, "i found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one.
" what did u do with them?" said the first nun.
The second nun responds with pride ," I poked **holes** in all of them."
The third nun screams, oh shit..."
Officer says, "sir do you know why I pulled you over?"
*"I have no clue". The man replied.*
"Have you been drinking, sir?"
*"Not any alcoholic drinks, officer".*
"Then what is that in your cup holder?"
"*that's a half-drank Smirnoff Ice.*"
"I thought you said you didn't drink any alcohol tonight?"
"*No, officer. I said I haven't had any "alcoholic drinks". All of my friends are alcoholics and not a single one of them drinks that shit."*
OC
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
I told him that's bat shit in Seine
To my suprise she said presidents day.
I asked her if she knew why we celebrate presidents day.
She said that its the day the president walks out of the white house and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of bull shit.
Mom: Do you actually want to date this useless piece of shit?
Me: Ma, she is a very nice person!
Mom: I wasn't talking to you.
"Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"
Pavlov walks into a bar. He hears the cash register ring and he says:
"Shit, I forgot to feed my dogs."
Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit.
So if you go for a shit at 11:59pm and you still on it at 12:01am does that literally mean it's same shit different day?
Me: I wish for mor-
Genie: No wishing for more wishes.
Me:
Genie:
Me: I wish for more genies.
Genie: Holy shit.
All the new genies: Holy shit.
Turns out he's pretty shit at karate.
A shame really, since they can't hear me for shit
I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's.
His mom beat the shit out of me.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building material for his home.
She read, . . . And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may i have some of that straw to build a house?'
The teacher paused, then asked the class, And what do you think that man said?
One little boy raised his hand and said, I think he said, 'HOLY SHIT! A TALKING PIG!?!'
It's your only body part that gives a shit
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
Give a reddittor a cake and he will farm the ever lasting shit out of it
But frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit!
-Knock knock
-Who's there?
-Grandpa!
-Oh shit, stop the funeral!
(Gary Delaney joke)
A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don't want you in this house anymore, pack your shit and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, I hope you die a slow and painful death you son of a bitch . The husband stops and says, I don't understand, do you want me to stay
But it's really good at moving shit around.
He was so good, I didn't give a shit.
The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had!!
God: welcome to the St. Peter's Gates. With my omniscient knowledge, I can tell you anything you wish to know.
Conspiracy Theorist 1: Who won the 2020 US Presidential Election?
God: Joseph R. Biden
Conspiracy Theorist 2: \*Looks at his friend\* shit dude, this goes even deeper than we thought
First one picks it up, looks at it and says: "Holy shit man, this dude looks so familiar."
Other one looks at it and says: "Man you're right! We better take this to the captain!"
When they come to the police station they show the mirror to the captain and ask him if he knows this man. Captain: "Of course i know him! He always sits opposite of me at the barber shop."
And they pass a gay bar
One of them turns to the other and says.
Do you want to go in and get shit faced
Worst part is you can't do shit about it
Apparently he can't do anything about it if I work from home
The woman smiles broadly and says, "TGIF"!
The man slowly turns to her and deadpans, "S.h.i.t."
The woman, thinking that he didn't hear her, slowly repeats "T.G.I.F."
He simply responds, "S.h.i.t.", just as slowly.
Exasperated, she laughs and says, "TGIF stands for Thank God It's Friday!, Silly!"
The man replies, "I know that but Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."
My wife went on a trip to her sister's.
On the plane they made her wear a mask.
Didn't do shit - she got chlamydia anyway!
Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!
Patient: hey doc i take shit every morning at 8 o'clock
Doctor: that's awesome what's wrong?
Patient:i wake up at 9 o'clock
Fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time...", while redneck tales begin with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
He has taken going to jail pretty hard. He is refusing all food, spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He has smeared the walls with his shit and is refusing to wear any clothes.
As a family we are united in our decision not to play Monopoly with him ever again.
I said to the lion handler Why do I do if the lion tries to attack me?
He replied Don't be afraid it's very simple, if the lion charges you, reach behind your back, grab a pile of shit off the ground and throw it in the lions face
I said to him But what if I reach behind me and there is no pile of shit on the ground?
To which the lion handler said Don't worry it'll be there
The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the ass before coming in? You got shit all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps with chapped lips?"
"Nah," says the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' 'em"
They call him a "no shit Sherlock".
You want to have it before shit happens, but they wouldn't let you have it because of the pre-existing conditions.
The little shit wants me to be gunned down in an alley.
I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."
He'll try anything three times.
*heard this in a literal bar with a drunk hill billy guy giving some guy shit. I had a good laugh*
We've just released our Greatest Shit album.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the shit shit your pants jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working shit shit yourself piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.
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