Funny Girl Sex

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Funny Girl Sex
“When you have just finished having sex, make sure your naked partner is at the end of the bed near your feet. Then yell ‘This is Sparta!’ and kick her off the bed.”
“When receiving sexual stimulation for pleasure from another person, you interrupt them to explain a past partner performed said act with a lot more skill. Then you allow them to continue said act.”



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Kanye West makes a spectacular appearance in this list of funny sex positions. Ah, Urban Dictionary. Where would we be without it?
Personally, I love that there’s a place for me to search for the acronyms my nieces and nephews use on Facebook and in texts – it makes me look like I’m totally clued in on the lingo, which grants me access to the much-sought-after ‘cool aunty’ title. But by god, if any of them ever look on Urban Dictionary for sexspiration, I will revoke their internet privileges.
Here are the most hilarious/disgusting entries (changed to include correct grammar, of course – we don’t want you to be distracted by incorrect spelling and poorly placed punctuation marks).
Disclaimer: For entertainment purposes only. Please do not attempt at home!
“After intercourse, when you cum all over a girl’s stomach, you take a swipe off with your index finger, wipe it on her forehead and say ‘Simba’.”
“You are doing a girl doggy-style while she’s facing a window to the outdoors. Halfway through your thrusting, you do a pull-out move (to, say, finger her a little), and then your friend who is strategically hidden in the room sneaks in and inserts himself as if it were you. This is when you quietly exit the room, reappearing outside the window where you now – smiling ear to ear – wave at your girl, who suddenly thinks, ‘if he’s out there, who’s fucking me?!’ Hilarity ensues.”
“When two girls get naked, strap dildos to their foreheads, get down on all fours and crawl around trying to penetrate each other.”
“Wake your partner up by inserting your hairy balls in her mouth and you’ll hear the sound of a Wookiee.”
“When a chick is giving you head and you pull out and blow in her face, then you hit her in the knee so she ends up jumping around while covering one eye.”
“To suck your own or another’s cum out of a person’s ass, then spit it into their mouth, like a mother bird feeding her young.”
“When you light a girl’s pubes on fire, put it out with your jizz, then flap your arms and say ‘You don’t have have enough badges to train me.'”
“A sexual act in which one partner, while performing cunnilingus, adjusts such that the upper lip rests on the woman’s labia while the lower lip rests on her anus. The taint is placed between the lips and gummed on, like an old woman eating a huge rubber cock.”
“The act of kneeling over your woman, beating off and quietly shitting on her knees, before loudly busting out onto her face. Then, in the mass confusion, slamming her knees and face together, like an accordion.”
“The act of freezing a bowel movement and sexually penetrating another with it.”
“When you are giving it to a chick from behind, yell out ‘Who’s the boss?’. She’ll get confused and turn her head around. At this moment, you donkey punch her in the face, then scream ‘TONY DANZA!'”
“When a man cums on a girl’s face, lets it dry, then peels it off and feeds it to her.”
“A Dolmio Grin is what happens when you go down on a girl when she’s on her period and you get blood all around your mouth. It’s called a Dolmio Grin because you get a similar effect when you have lots of pasta topped with Dolmio sauce.”
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Comment: What’s the funniest sex act you’ve heard?
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10 Girls Reveal Their Most Embarrassing Moments… During Sex!
Sex has its good moments, it’s bad moments and it’s very, very embarrassing moments! No need to deny it, girls, we’ve all been there! So let’s share our funny and slightly humiliating moments and laugh at ourselves before anybody else can! Here are 10 women sharing their most embarrassing moments during sex!
In the middle of a make-out session, my boyfriend asked me ‘Can I go down on you?’ I was super embarrassed but I nodded anyway. My heart was beating really fast – this was the first time that someone was going down on me! When he reached down there though and I felt his tongue, it felt so weird that I ended up snapping my legs shut real fast…with his head still in between! It was undoubtedly, the most embarrassing moment ever!
I went to my boyfriend’s place one afternoon. We were meeting each other after almost six months and were super excited to have sex. You know you tend to get things done as quickly as you can when you wait to get action for so long, right? Soon after I reached his place, we started making out and as things started to get hot and heavy… I actually fell from the bed. Just rolled off! It was hilarious but yeah, kinda embarrassing too.
So my friend hooked me up on a blind date and the guy was genuinely nice all through the evening so when he asked me to come over to his place, I agreed. In the middle of sex, I heard him fart. Thinking that a few embarrassing sounds are totally normal during sex, I continued. After a while, he farted again and this time, it was a smelly one! I didn’t know how to address the situation and he seemed completely unaffected by it! I asked him to stop but he never quite understood why. The second date never happened.
One time, my boyfriend and I finished having sex and I looked down to see blood on his penis. This made him go, ‘Whaaaat? Did your hymen break after, like, 7 months of sex?’ Anyway, we both realized then that the bed was RED! All red! I’d gotten my period in the middle of sex and it looked like the red Nile was flowing on the bed. The worst part? I was at his place with no change of clothes.
It was the perfect evening. A candlelit dinner, a movie and then we had planned to get down and dirty. We had been dating for two months and this was going to be our first time. Of course, we wanted it to be special. We entered my house and he started kissing me. Slowly the clothes came off, soon enough we were both in the depths of pleasure. He was almost about to climax when I let out a queef… And boy, was it loud! Or, at least, so it seemed at the time. He laughed it off but let’s just say, we had to work hard, all over again, to get back into the game.
I and my boyfriend were meeting after ages and so, our passion was at an all time high! The minute he entered my house, our lips were glued to each other’s. This was during the winter season and I was wearing a nice, warm and fluffy sweater. What I forgot, however, was that I had recently gotten my nose pierced so when he was taking off my sweater, it got stuck in my nose ring and pulled off my nose ring along with it. I screamed in pain, there was blood oozing out, and the pain was just…horrendous! Needless to say, we spent that day nursing my wound with no sex at all!
His mother knew him and I were dating but I had never really met her. One day, we’re at his place, not expecting his mother to be back for a long time. So we started making out, things went from one thing to another and in about 10 minutes we were naked on his couch. In the heat of the moment, we didn’t hear any sound until the keys turned in the door. I screamed and grabbed his t-shirt to cover my bare body. His mom was, by now, standing in the hallway as he was getting his pants back on. She looked at us for a good two minutes and things were so awkward until I found the strength to mutter, ‘Hello, aunty, it’s nice to meet you!’
We’re married now but it’s a story his mother never forgets!
He had just moved into a new neighbourhood and it was pretty abandoned and a little isolated. We were just roaming around, exploring the area when we pulled over and stopped in the middle of nowhere. It was a plain stretch of road which was a dead end. All there was was lush green farmlands and really romantic. It all started with a kiss and things sped up in no time. We were really carefree because we knew there was nobody in sight for miles… Except we didn’t really! We were in the middle of the act when we heard someone knock on the window! It was a local villager from the surrounding area. He kept knocking, without any shame and his expression was really scary. My boyfriend accelerated and we had to drive half naked to get out of the situation!
Bright winter afternoon, wine and a rom-com… Sounds perfect right? Well, it sort of was. A few wine glasses later, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other! The little break from the movie suddenly turned into a hot makeout session and as one thing led to another, soon we were going at it, full on. It was all good and I was loving every bit of it until he decided to put my legs over his shoulders to make it more pleasurable. I don’t know about pleasure but I surely got a muscle spasm from it! My leg was hurting so bad that I could hardly focus on the sex. I had to tell him to stop in the middle of everything just so I could stretch my legs and feel better. It was quite embarrassing for me!
Inspired by the gorgeousness of La La Land, I couldn’t wait to go to a Jazz Club with my boyfriend. Even though he has no interest in dressing up and going to watch a live band perform, he has learnt to go along with the random date nights I plan. It was the perfect evening! He was in his nicest coat and I was wearing my favourite slinky black dress. A few hours of beautiful jazz music and one too many whiskeys later we were back at my place, finishing up the evening in the way we knew best. We were in the thick of the moment when he suddenly stopped kissing my neck and looked up. ‘Did you hear that?’, he asked. I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. He quickly moved and looked under the bed. A cat had snuck into my room somehow! Both of us, half-naked, spent the next 30 minutes chasing it out of the house.The worst part was when my neighbour spotted my boyfriend without his pants! With our buzz and the moment gone, we went straight to bed afterwards.
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I am really scared… 5. It’s not as bad as it used to be… Be careful what you wish for. Or we should get a divorce.
A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?”
There is a cucumber, a pickle, and a p*nis. They are complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, “My life sucks. I’m put in salads, and to top it off, they put ranch on me as well. My life sucks.” The pickle says, “That’s nothing compared to my life. I’m put in vinegar and stored away. Boy my life boring. I hate life.” The p*nis says, “Why are you guys complaining? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They put me in a plastic bag, put me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up.”
At School , the teacher asked Jimmy, “Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?” Jimmy replied crying, “Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’”
I saw a beautiful woman on the street and said to myself: “She can help me reproduce.” So I came up to her and asked: “Sex or Pizza ?” Then her boyfriend came. He asked: “What do you want from my woman?” I said: “Sex or pizza .” He said: “She can’t cook and she’s bad at sex.”
Yesterday I was so horny I climbed up on a tree and yelled: “I want a woman!” As I kept on yelling “I want a woman!”, lots of women came. I think I’ve discovered a secret on how to attract women.
Want to get laid? Then don’t ask God for beautiful women. Ask God for women who are both beautiful and horny. That would greatly increase your chances of getting laid. How do I know? I spoke with the universe.
What’s your funny secret? Leave it below as comment, then share this.
Redhead tells her blonde stepsister, “I slept with a Brazilian….” The blonde replies, “Oh my God! You s**t! How many is a brazilian?”
Q: What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening? A: Sex.
A man was having premature e**culation problems so he went to the doctor . The doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to e**culate, try startling yourself.” That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to e**culate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, “Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my p*nis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”
Guy walked up to a beautiful woman in a bar and asked her: “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?” “That depends on how personal it is.” she replied. “Okay,” he said, “How many men have you slept with?” “I’m certainly not going to tell you that! That’s my business!” she replied. “Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t realize you make a living off it.”
An old man complained to the doctor of feeling tired. The doctor asked him whether he had done anything unusual lately. “Well,” said the old man. “Wednesday night I picked up a twenty-one-year-old actress and nailed her three times. Then Thursday night I hooked up with a twenty-year-old waitress, and we ended up in bed at her place. On Friday night I met an eighteen-year-old nurse and we ended up having sex in the back of her car.” The doctor was impressed by such stamina at his age, but warned: “I hope you used precautions.” “Of course I did.” said the old man. “I gave them all phony names.”
A guy asked his girlfriend what he was like as a lover. “Warm,” she said. “Yes, that’s the word I’d use: ‘warm’.” He was flattered until he came home and looked up the meaning of the word “warm” in a dictionary . It said: “warm: not so hot.”
“Babe is it in?” “Yea.” “Does it hurt?” “Uh huh.” “Let me put it in slowly.” “It still hurts.” “Okay, let’s try another shoe size.”
Does this remind you of your sister? If so, Share it with your family. originally posted at SodaHead.com
Two men were having a drink together. One said: “I had sex with my wife before we got married . What about you?” The other replied: “I don’t know. What was her maiden name?”
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big d**do on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a d**do. She said “I knew it, ass**le, explain the d**do!” He said, “Explain the kids!”
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, “Myp*nis,” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.”
Arriving home from school, a boy asked his mother: “What is sex?” Dreading the day she would have to explain all this, she spent the next hour telling him about the birds and the bees and where the babies come from. When she had finished, her son smiled, pulled a school questionnaire from his pocket, pointed to the word “sex”, and asked her: “That’s cool, but how am I supposed to get all this next to the ‘F’ and the ‘M’?”
Two guys – Jerry and Carl – were discussing the sexy new office secretary. Jerry whispered to Carl: “I dated her last Tuesday and we had amazing sex. I know I shouldn’t say this, but she’s a lot better in bed than my wife.” Two days later, Carl came up to Jerry and said: “I dated the secretary last night and we had sex too. But I still think that in bed your wife is much better.”
“I have a confession to make,” a young man told his girlfriend. “While we’ve been dating, I’ve been secretly seeing a psychiatrist.” “Oh, don’t worry about it,” she said. “I’ve been secretly seeing a car salesman, postman, and your father.”
Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? A: I want you inside me! Girl: “Hey, what’s up?” Boy: “If I tell you, will you sit on it?”
Q: What do you call it when a boy and girl make love for the first time? A: Cumming of Age.
A bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?” “Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.” And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.” Turning on his side, he smiles and says, “Then we will have to re-imprison him.” After the second time, the bride says, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!” The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again,” to which the husband yelled, “Hey, it’s not a life sentence!!!”
When he was poor he used to m**turbate. Now somebody else does it for him. That’s the difference between poor and rich.
I was watching Simpsons with my friend and his wife. I and she were laughing. He was not. Then I understood why. He did not get any action from his wife. Her boyfriend told me.
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?” Sarah waves her hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!” Miss Rogers says, “All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?” Sarah says, “Mas-tur-bate.” Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, Sarah, that’s a mouthful.” Sarah says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a b**wjob.”
“No matter how happily a woman may be married , it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.” – H. L. Mencken
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the tab
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