Fucking Your Ex Wife

Fucking Your Ex Wife
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Having Sex With Your Ex: Should You Do It? If So, How?

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Having Sex With Your Ex: Should You Do It? If So, How?

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© 2022 Ziff Davis Canada, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

AskMen, Become a Better Man, Big Shiny Things, Mantics and guyQ are among the federally registered trademarks of Ziff Davis Canada, Inc. and may not be used by third parties without explicit permission.

Whether you broke up yesterday or a decade ago, talking to an ex can be a fraught experience. Your pulse might quicken, your breathing might become shallow, you might cry, or feel the urge to punch the nearest wall.
Conversely, you might also feel a desire to be physically intimate with your ex again, wondering, “What if…?” And depending on how your ex feels, you might find yourself, at some point in the future, with the opportunity to fulfill that desire.
But should you? Having sex with an ex might feel exciting, but it can also be a recipe for even more heartbreak — for one or both parties involved, to say nothing of any current partners either of you might have.
To help, AskMen spoke with a few relationship experts in order to better understand why people want to hook up with their exes, and whether it’s ever a good idea.
If you think about it, wanting to have sex with your ex is a sort of paradoxical desire — if you really want them, why didn’t you stay together? Shouldn’t this be the last person on your mind when it comes to one of the most intense forms of closeness there is?
For SKYN Condoms ’ sex and intimacy expert Dr. Chris Donaghue , the desires aren’t as contradictory as all that, in part because sex and love are such vastly different things.
“People connect and are compatible on many different levels, and the recognition that a committed or romantic relationship isn’t viable doesn’t mean that partners can’t still enjoy the sexual chemistry that does exist,” says Donaghue.
It can also be a way to lessen the blow of a breakup by keeping at least one aspect of the relationship going after the others have stopped.
“Sex with an ex feels safe and comfortable for a lot of people,” he adds. “The comfort and familiarity of sex with an ex is a valuable bridge back out into singledom , while keeping each other company and enjoying many of the things that brought you together.”
Someone would want to get it on with a former flame for many reasons: “They would like to rekindle the relationship, they’re lonely, they’re craving familiarity, they feel safe with each other sexually, they’re feeling horny or yearning to experience something pleasurable from the past, or yearning to escape emotional pain,” says Dr. Janet Brito , a sex therapist based in Hawaii.
Unfortunately, sex with an ex might also come about for more troubling reasons. While drinking can certainly have an influence on one’s decision making, they could also “be in denial that the relationship is over,” notes Brito. “They may be idealizing the past and forgetting why they broke up in the first place, they may have low self-esteem, or they may be seeking closure.”
But whatever the reason may be, it’s clear that wanting to hook up with an ex isn’t all that uncommon.
“Nostalgia can be an aphrodisiac,” states Connell Barrett, founder of Dating Transformation and dating coach for The League. “The lens of passed time can blur the pain of the breakup, and you’re left with the good memories. This can create a powerful yearning. An old flame still burns hot.”
However, once the deed’s been done, it might “remind you how incompatible you were, especially if you suffered from sexual desire discrepancy, and reaffirm you made the right decision,” notes Brito.
Now, just because it’s perfectly normal to experience sexual desire for an ex after a breakup doesn’t mean that actually trying to make it happen is a good idea.
There are plenty of ways that sex with an ex can lead to negative consequences. Even outside the possible emotional fallout of one of you falling for the other while the other remains uninterested, there’s also the potential for STI transmission if one of you has gotten an infection since your last hookup (or even a pregnancy, if you’re having penis-in-vagina sex).
But how do you tell a fun, no-strings attached hookup with someone you have pre-existing sexual chemistry with from a massive, red-flag covered mistake waiting to happen?
For starters, if there’s any danger of your ex trying to actively hurt you — physically or psychologically — don’t do it.
“If you don’t trust your ex or if they are abusive, you should completely terminate the relationship,” says Donaghue. “For those feeling trapped and unable to get over their ex, the best course of action is to allow space physically and psychologically, which means not only not seeing them but also not having sex with them either.”
However, there are lots of good reasons not to pursue sex with an ex even if you don’t have to fear for your well-being.
“If you are aware that your ex still has feelings for you and would like to get back together with you, but you’re not interested, it’s best not to open up this can of worms,” says Brito.
Another reason to abstain? If you’re not over things, either.
“If you have unresolved feelings, don’t go there,” says Barrett. “The last thing you want is to halt the healing process. One night in the sack could set you back six months.”
It can be easy to convince yourself that everything’s fine, especially if a potential hookup is on the line, so Barrett suggests trying a little thought experiment to help you see where things stand.
“Here’s a test to see if you’ve moved on,” he says. “Does the thought of your ex having sex with someone else drive you crazy?”
If so, now’s not the time to send a suggestive text .
This is the type of thing that shouldn’t be entered into lightly, and you’ll have to discuss it a little bit beforehand in order to make sure you’re on the same page with.
“If you’re both in agreement that you’re hooking up for sexual purposes only, and both understand that it is a casual experience that doesn’t involve an emotional commitment,” that’s when Brito considers it an option.
It’s also important, she notes, that you be “able to walk away in a mature manner, meaning, you both understand that this casual encounter can end at any time.”
Another sign? No ill-will, she adds.
If neither of you is “harboring any negative feelings toward each other about why you broke up,” that’s a sign that a post-breakup hookup could be a smooth process.
Here’s one last sign that having sex with your ex could be a good idea: You both “want to give things another try, as a couple,” says Barrett, not simple a pair of exes hooking up.
Before you start stripping your clothes off and re-familiarizing yourselves with each other’s bodies, it’s important for you and your ex to establish some basic guidelines. Not all sex is created equal, and some hookups are much more likely to end badly than others. On that note, remember these points:
“Have sex with exes where your only goal is to have fun and connect,” says Donaghue. “Don’t have any other expectations, as sex promises nothing long-term.”
However excited you might be about sleeping with your ex again, don’t use a post-breakup hookup as an opportunity to try out new moves, positions or techniques, or cross sex dreams off your bucket list. This is an exercise in nostalgia and connection, not exploration or box ticking.
Just because you’re hooking up with someone you’re familiar with already doesn’t mean you can’t violate their consent. These are potentially emotional situations even at the best of times, and it’s possible to quickly slip from aroused to sad. Pay attention to their cues, check in, and be prepared to stop immediately if they’re not into it any longer.
“Just do it once — twice, if you count morning sex,” says Barrett. “Making them your ‘ex with benefits’ can keep you both from moving forward and finding someone new for a real relationship.”

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