Fucking Virgin
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Fucking Virgin
I’VE been having sex with a neighbour who is a family friend. My parents would kill me if they knew but I love being with him.
I’m a girl of 16 and this man and his wife are both 42 and live three doors away. They’ve been friends with my parents since they were all newlyweds.
We were all invited to a Halloween party at another neighbour’s recently. I had some vodka and Coke, though I’m not used to drinking.
My mum and dad were drunk and left by midnight. I sat listening to music with the other couple, then the wife went home to bed.
My neighbour said he’d walk me home when the party was over. He put his arm around me at the gate and kissed me. It was my first kiss with a man.
He invited me into his place for a coffee to sober up. We snogged again and it was brilliant. Then he pulled down my jeans and pants and we had sex on the
kitchen table. I lost my virginity and felt all shaky afterwards.
He asked whether I felt bad about what we’d done. I said, “No, it was fantastic”, because that was how I felt.
He now gives me lifts into town. He always kisses me and we’ve had sex twice and oral sex too.
He’s given me £50 the last few Saturdays to put towards Christmas and I’ve bought new clothes and shoes. Mum and Dad haven’t asked me where they were from and would go mad if they realised.
My lover still comes around to ours sometimes and my parents regard him like my uncle. I wonder whether I should carry on seeing him but I love being with him and love the money he gives me.
DEIDRE SAYS: I know all this spoiling and attention is making you feel special now but you know in your heart that this neighbour is behaving badly, and in the end will make you feel bad about yourself too.
He’s making no commitment to you – nor will he. He’s married and will drop you without a word when he tires of this game. He’s treating you almost like a prostitute.
Your family and his wife will be appalled at your behaviour as well as his if you’re caught out – which is all too likely.
Stop this now, before you get too hurt. I’d like you to tell your parents how he’s behaved, as they deserve to know he can’t be trusted.
If you can’t face that, at least talk over how you got drawn into this in confidence with someone. Contact Get Connected ( 0808 808 4994 , getconnected.org.uk ).
MY girlfriend can’t tell me whether she cheated on me with her mate because she can’t remember anything about it.
I’m a gay girl and my girlfriend and I had a party to celebrate our 25th birthdays. She invited a male friend of hers. He’s 24 and they used to be close.
I was in the front room with friends and at one point the music stopped.
Everything went quiet – and we heard moaning coming from the kitchen. My girlfriend and her mate were in there.
It was really embarrassing. I barged in and my girlfriend jumped up, saying they were just talking. She won’t admit anything because she was trollied and says she remembers nothing about it, but I can’t forget it.
DEIDRE SAYS: If your relationship is otherwise OK and she’s sorry she allowed things to get out of control – whatever happened – focus on your future together and how you can strengthen that, rather than obsessing on one drunken moment in the past.
But tell your girlfriend that she needs to cut down on her drinking so she stays in control in the future. And be clear this is the last time she gets forgiven.
MY husband has found someone else and ended our marriage, saying the 20-year relationship has run its course.
He met her a month before he dumped me. She’s younger and slimmer than me but
is on benefits, while I work.
My husband is 36, I’m 37 and the woman he’s been seeing is 30. I’m putting a brave face on things but when the house goes up for sale, everyone will know. I’m heartbroken.
DEIDRE SAYS: If your heart is broken and not just your pride hurt, don’t lose hope just yet.
He didn’t break with you until he met her, and it’s early days for their relationship. He could yet return cap in hand.
Focus on building a new life for yourself, because that’s the best way of coping and of reigniting his interest. If he doesn’t come back, you will still have new friends. My e-leaflet Mend Your Broken Heart will help.
MY boyfriend constantly stares at other women and it makes me feel uncomfortable. He’s a great guy in every way but he does this a lot. He’s said he’ll stop but things never change and we just argue about it.
I’ve been cheated on before and I feel insecure and bad about myself when he
looks at other women. I love him but don’t want to be with somebody who
would prefer to be elsewhere. We’re both 28.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s no coincidence that you feel threatened by this when
you’ve been cheated on before. Nagging him for staring at other women is unlikely to make him want to change.
Don’t complain when you catch him staring but say: “Give me a hug, you sexy man”. That will get his attention back on to you and give you the reassurance you need. My e-leaflet Coping With Jealousy explains more
self-help tactics.
I HAVE a pact with my best friend that if neither of us is with someone when we’re 30, we will get together. I’m 29 and I have a girlfriend I love but I think I love this best friend more.
We’ve known each other since we were at university together. She’s 28. I’ve always secretly fancied her but I’ve never said anything for fear of ruining our friendship.
We made our pact when we ended our finals.
My girlfriend is 27 and we’ve talked about getting married and having a family.
Both these girls are stunningly beautiful and any man would be proud to have them on his arm.
There are no problems in my current relationship but my feelings for my friend are getting stronger. I’ve a feeling she likes me too but I’m not certain.
Do I forget my heart, follow my head and make a go of it with my girlfriend, or tell my best friend and hope she feels the same?
DEIDRE SAYS: Secretly fancying is not the same as having a successful relationship.
From the sound of it, you and your best friend haven’t had sex – and maybe that’s what is so tantalising for you – a bad case of “the grass is greener”.
Is your best friend single? If not, then forget it for now and see if this longing for her passes – as it may well do.
If she is single, you have to make a choice. Cheating is out.
You could tell her how you feel and see whether there’s any chance of this being more than friendship. If so, you will have to let your girlfriend down gently, but you may think again when you realise you have to make a choice.
You can’t have them both.
I’M a chilled-out guy all the time I’m at work but I make such a bad job of things at home.
I have a three-year-old daughter. My wife and I are both 30 and she has a ten-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.
I can’t connect with my stepdaughter. I blame her for any upset at home.
If she falls out with her little sister I turn on her, while my partner tries to pacify everyone.
I think sometimes I have a tantrum like a child, but I can’t see it at the time.
How can I fix things and be a good parent?
DEIDRE SAYS: It is often hard being a stepparent. She is another man’s child and you feel protective of your little girl.
But your stepdaughter feels pushed to one side by your daughter, who is the child of both you and her mum.
You’re the adult here and need patience by the bucket-load.
When there’s an argument, quickly assess what’s gone wrong, then walk away for ten minutes and talk about it rationally when you’re calm.
Taking your stepdaughter out one-to-one may help you build bridges.
I’ve also sent you a copy of my e-leaflet Stepfamily Problems? which will
help.
MY girlfriend has a weekly massage with a male masseur and just the thought of it makes me physically sick.
I’m 26, she is 24 and beautiful. She has back problems so sees this man regularly, stripping down to her thong.
I’ve asked her to go to a female masseuse but she says this guy is good and she’s not got the time to go hunting around for someone else.
I’ve heard the guy she uses is very good but the whole idea of it causes me so much angst. She wouldn’t like it if I was regularly visiting a woman for massage, would she?
DEIDRE SAYS: Who knows? But her back doesn’t seem to be improving, so tell her you are worried about her and talk to her about finding a good chiropractor or a physiotherapist through her doctor. That way, you may feel happier that she’s seeing somebody in a purely professional capacity.
If your insecurities stem from an experience you have had in a previous relationship maybe getting some counselling would help you. My leaflet on counselling explains more and gives sources of support.
MY girlfriend’s ex was really well endowed and I feel rubbish in comparison.
I’m 23 and my girlfriend is 25. I just can’t seem to satisfy her and I’m wondering whether it’s because her ex was bigger in length and girth than me.
I just don’t feel good at what I do for her. I’m not even good at foreplay.
We’ve tried different positions but she always gets frustrated. I’m scared she’ll leave me.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sure you know I’m going to say “Size doesn’t matter,” and this is still true. Most women don’t get their satisfaction purely through penetrative sex. Many men with micro penises can still satisfy their partners just by learning good sexual techniques.
I’m sending you my e-leaflets How To Thrill A Woman In Bed and Manhood Too Small? to help you feel more skilled and confident.
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Inside Cambodia's highly secretive upmarket virgin trade.
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Dara Keo and her mother, Rotana, were both in tears when it was time for her to leave. A motorized rickshaw had arrived to transport 12-year-old Keo from her one-room shack in Cambodia's capital, Phnom Penh, to an unknown location. Keo was crying because she was terrified. Rotana was crying because she knew she had done something unspeakable: She had sold her daughter's virginity to a rich, powerful man. The rickshaw driver took Keo to an underground medical clinic. A corrupt doctor on the payroll of brokers who arrange the sale of virgins examined her to check that her hymen was intact and gave her a blood test for HIV infection. "He confirmed I was a virgin and disease-free," says Keo, now 17. "Then I was taken to the man who bought me. I had to stay with him for one week while he raped me many times without a condom."
Cambodia's highly secretive upmarket virgin trade is a world apart from the capital's rowdy, neon-lit bars and karaoke clubs where foreign tourists and locals can buy sex for $10 or $20. Its clients are high-ranking officials from the Cambodian government, military, and police force, as well as other members of Asia's wealthy elite, who pay between $500 and $5,000 to sleep with a virgin.
Hostesses at Cambodian beer gardens are often targeted by men looking to purchase their virginity.'
Worldwide an estimated 4.5 million people are trafficked for sex or forced into prostitution, and 98 percent of the victims are women and girls, according to the International Labour Organization. In the United States, around 300,000 children are reported to be at risk of sexual exploitation. In Cambodia, an impoverished nation of only 15 million people, "many thousands" of Cambodian girls and women are sold for their virginity every year, says Dr. Chhiv Kek Pung, the president of Cambodia's leading human rights organization, Licadho. (There are no hard figures due to the trade's secrecy.)
The virgin trade thrives partly due to a cultural myth. "Many older Asian men believe sex with virgins gives them magical powers to stay young and prevent illness," she explains. "There is an endless number of destitute families for the trade to prey on, and the rule of law is very weak." Human trafficking, sexual exploitation, and the buying and selling of sex are illegal in Cambodia. However, because of official corruption and substandard police resources, no one has ever been convicted of purchasing virgins in Cambodia's courts.
'Worldwide an estimated 4.5 million people are trafficked for sex or forced into prostitution, 98 percent of whom are woman and girls.'
The belief that sex with virgins can prolong lifespan, originally from Taoist thought, has long been popular with Asian leaders. People's Republic of China founder Chairman Mao had a well-documented love of virgins. The North Korean regime allegedly keeps elite troops of virgins ages 14 to 20 known as "satisfaction teams," who are forced to provide sex to senior party officials.
In addition to rich locals, men from neighboring countries such as China, Singapore, and Vietnam are regular customers in Cambodia. "They travel here on business and have everything prearranged by brokers: a five-star hotel, a few rounds of golf, and a night or two with a virgin," says Eric Meldrum, a former police detective from the United Kingdom who now works as an anti-exploitation consultant in Phnom Penh. "The men know they can get away with it."
Home to more then 1,000 people, the Phnom Penh riverside slum where I meet Keo and her mother is a splintering jumble of wooden shacks alongside rancid water. Keo says that here, almost every teenage girl is sold for her virginity at some point. "Everyone knows, but nobody talks about it."
SHE HAD DONE SOMETHING UNSPEAKABLE: SHE HAD SOLD HER DAUGHTER's VIRGINITY TO A RICH, POWERFUL MAN.
Female chastity in Cambodia is enshrined in a code of obedience known as Chbab Srey ("Women's Law"), and the girls suffer unjust shame. "There's a national saying that men are like gold and women are like cloth," says Tong Soprach, who does independent research on Cambodia's youth for nongovernmental organizations (NGOs) and government bodies. "If you drop gold in the dirt, it washes clean and still shines. If you drop cloth, the stain never comes out." As a result, it is often hard for girls to marry or get regular jobs if they admit what happened to them.
Keo and Rotana tell their story inside the tiny room on stilts they rent for $10 a month. Outside, babies wail and hammers bang, and the walls shake as people traverse the slum's rickety pathways. Quiet-spoken Rotana, 62, says the decision to sell her daughter's virginity was a "last resort."
'Vannith Uy, 41, holds a photo of herself (right) and her daugther, Chamnan Sok. Uy sold her daughter\'s virginity when she was 18.'
Rotana married relatively late, in her 30s, and had six children. She was unable to marry earlier because romantic relationships and family life were banned under the bloody communist regime of the Khmer Rouge, during which an estimated 2 million people died in the 1970s. Three of her children died from fever, and she earned as little as $1 a day as a trash recycler to support the remaining three. (Keo is the youngest.) Her husband drank and played cards. "He died a few years ago, leaving gambling debts. His creditors threatened violence when I couldn't pay," Rotana says. A female neighbor working as a broker, or middlewoman, approached Rotana. "She said she felt sorry for me and promised me big money if I sold Keo's virginity." The virgin trade recruits local women to lure girls because they can befriend mothers easily. Often, they are former trafficking victims or sex workers themselves. "Fear and worry about the debts made me ill," Rotana says. "Finally, I gave in."
In a country where about a third of the population lives on less than $1 a day, the temptation to accept large lump sums for a daughter's virginity can prove irresistible. While rates vary, most families receive around $1,500, which is equivalent to four years' salary.
Keo is sitting on the floor dressed in mismatched floral pajamas. "When my mom told me she needed me to sleep with a strange man, I was very scared. We both wept for a long time," she says. Rotana was so desperate she accepted a fee of only $500 ($100 went to the broker). Keo says she "agreed" to be sold—although, as a 12-year-old, it's unlikely she had much choice or fully understood her fate. "I wanted to save my mother," Keo says.
She was taken to meet her buyer in a room in an exclusive hotel after her visit to the medical clinic. The man, wearing a dark suit and a gold watch, insisted on a doctor's certificate attesting that she was a genuine virgin. (Some brokers try to trick clients by surgically restoring a girl's hymen, so she can be sold multiple times.) "He ordered me to undress. Then he pinned me down on the bed, unzipped his pants, and forced himself into me," Keo says. "The pain was excruciating."
I ask about the man's identity. Keo and Rotana give me the name of a Cambodian politician who is still in office, but they refuse to reveal his name publicly. (To protect their safety, their names have also been changed as well as the names of other mothers and daughters mentioned in this story.)
Keo's ordeal went on for a week, a common length of time for men to keep each virgin they buy. The man forbade her to leave the room and visited her for sex two or three times a day. "He was very forceful," she says. "A few times he asked if he was hurting me. When I told him yes, he used even more force." She wasn't allowed to contact home. "When I was alone, I watched TV and cried myself to sleep." By the time she was freed, her vagina was torn and bruised. Her mother took her to a local doctor, who gave her painkillers and said her injuries would "heal on their own." Keo found it agonizing to walk or urinate for two weeks.
Sophleap Thai, 35, was sold to a brothel at age 18.'
If Keo feels anger towards her mother for selling her, it's buried deep. After recounting her story, she says nothing except that she feels "sad" about what happened to her. Rotana doesn't speak at all. Despite everything, Keo continues to support Rotana, who is now in poor health, by washing laundry for $20 per week.
Loyalty to parents is paramount in Cambodia. "The attitude is children exist for their parents' benefit, not the other way around," says Nget Thy, executive director of the Cambodian Center for the Protection of Children's Right
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