Fucking Sister Story
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Fucking Sister Story
DEAR DEIDRE My wife has left me for our son's headteacher and the whole town are talking
BOTTLED IT My fiancé swears at me and puts me down every time he gets drunk
NOT-SO-SWEET DREAMS I fantasise about my wife's friends when we make love
HARD AT WORK My new job makes me feel so stressed that I've started having panic attacks
WHAT ARE THE ODDS? I've approached 700 girls on the street and haven’t got a single date
DEIDRE'S STORIES Rory is in a rush to lose his virginity and gets more rejection
DEAR DEIDRE: THE two people I’m closest to in the world have done the dirty on me.
I’ve just discovered that my husband is cheating on me with my own sister.
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It’s such a huge shock, I’m feeling totally humiliated and can’t get myself out of bed.
I’m 37 and have been married to my husband, who is 39, for nine years. We have a son aged six.
My sister is two years younger than me, and I have always seen her as my best friend.
After I had a difficult birth, I stopped enjoying sex with my husband.
In the end it became a chore and we stopped altogether.
We’ve now been celibate for three years.
He assured me that it wasn’t a problem, saying he wasn’t a teenager any more, and that he didn’t need it.
He was clearly lying. My sister knows all about our sex life — or lack of it — because I confided in her.
She is single, and has been for years. She told me she had sworn off men after her ex cheated on her.
Then by sheer accident I found out they were sleeping together. My husband works away a lot and said he had a business trip.
Hours after he went, our oven packed up.
I needed to make a cake for a bake sale at my son’s school, so I called my sister to ask if I could use hers, but she didn’t pick up.
So I drove to her house and when she didn’t answer, I let myself in using my spare key.
But in the kitchen, I heard footsteps and voices from above, then my husband came down the stairs — totally naked.
I screamed in shock and he froze. Then my sister rushed down too, wearing just a robe.
It was obvious they’d just had sex. Neither of them could think of a reasonable explanation.
Hysterical, I ran out of the house, with my sister chasing after me, saying sorry.
I haven’t spoken to her since, and I’ve told my husband to pack his bags.
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I feel utterly betrayed and alone, with nobody to turn to.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s the ultimate betrayal and must be unbearably painful.
I know you don’t want to talk to either of them, understandably, but sooner or later you need to, when you’re ready, for your own sake and your son’s.
You need to understand how this happened and express your anger and pain, or it will overwhelm you.
Take your time to decide what you want to do with them both – whether you want to repair those relationships or need a clean break.
Talking to a counsellor will help, and my support pack about this tells you more, while my pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It? will help too.
If your husband wasn’t happy with your sexless relationship, he should have been honest with you.
But for now, you need to find a way forward, for your son’s sake.
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I stayed at my sister’s house recently, as I have done many times when my husband works away from home.
However, on this particular night, she was called into work at the hospital at short notice.
I went to bed early but got up to go to the bathroom.
As I passed her bedroom, the door was ajar and I heard moaning from inside where my brother-in-law was supposed to be sleeping.
I saw him through the crack in the door and, for some reason that I cannot fathom, I took a deep breath, opened the door and stood there watching him pleasure himself.
He got even more excited so then I dropped my dressing gown and joined him in the bed. We had fantastic sex and never said a word to each other.
Since then nothing has been mentioned about this by either of us – it’s as if it never happened – but I can’t stop thinking about him.
This is weird for me as I have never been the sort of person to take matters into my own hands before or do anything impulsive.
I’m also 50 now and have been through the menopause, so what’s happening to me?
Maybe it’s connected to going through the menopause in your 40s. You might have wanted to prove that you’re still a sexual being and attractive to men. However, it’s just terribly sad that you’ve chosen your sister’s husband to live out this fantasy with.
You’re also married yourself, so you’ve cheated on your own hubby as well as betrayed your sister.
I think you know in your own heart that if you have any chance of having a relationship with your sister in the future that you a) can’t revisit it b) you can’t stay the night at hers again and c) you can’t tell her what happened.
What’s worrying is that you can’t stop thinking of him. I’m not condoning what either of you did, but sometimes ignorance is bliss. This might be one of those times, if you can guarantee it won’t happen again.
If you come clean, she’ll either dump her husband and your relationship will never be the same, or she’ll stay and cut you out. If you stay quiet, you have to live with it. Only you can decide.
The chances are if you did stay at your sister’s and she was called into work, it would happen again and become a regular thing.
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Six family secrets. Six incredible stories
“I asked, ‘does anybody else know?’ and she said, ‘no, I will go to the grave with this and you're to tell nobody.’"
"Everyone knew except me. How didn’t I know for the whole of my life?”
“She was a mess. She begged us not to tell our dad, and she said she’d stop.”
“I was angry. It was like it wasn’t a big thing, it was almost dropped in conversation."
"My father very nearly fell off his chair."
"I have to know and I can’t rest until I know who he is."
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All families have secrets of one kind or another.
Woman’s Hour on BBC Radio 4 asked listeners for their experiences of family secrets. Lots of people got in touch.
But six shocking stories stood out.
Reporter Jo Morris met Ellen*, Christine, Jess*, Liz*, Moira and Prue to hear them reveal their family secrets.
When Ellen* (not her real name) was a teenager, she decided to tell her mother that she was gay. She was not expecting her response.
“I’d been living my gay life quite quietly away from the family home and I just got to the point where I needed to talk to my parents about my life. I didn’t think I could continue not being honest with them.
“We were just standing between the living room and the kitchen and Mum was busy cooking.
“I eventually just turned around and said ‘Mum, I’m gay’. I said, ‘you don’t know what it’s been like’. She just span round and said, ‘I think I do’.”
Ellen’s mum told her that she’d had a relationship with a woman, but that she had married Ellen’s father and had never told anybody.
“I then asked, ‘does anybody else know?’ and she said, ‘no, I will go to the grave with this and you are to tell nobody.’ The way she fixed her gaze on me, when she said that, I knew she was serious.
“She said that she’d had a relationship, quite a long standing relationship with a woman and that her parents had written her a letter saying that if there was any form of relationship going on, that they didn’t approve and that it wasn’t an appropriate way to live a life.”
Ellen kept her mum’s secret for nearly 20 years. Her mum has now died. She feels like she’s finally able to talk about it.
“I’ve been able to have a career, have a family, and still be gay. My mum was technically denied the one thing she wanted, which was to be with probably the woman she loved. Now whether that was a relationship that would have continued, for the rest of her life, I don’t know.
“If you look at a lot of oral history about gay people, it tends to still predominantly focus around men. There are hundreds of women who did exactly what my mum did all through history. And their story is yet to be written.”
Christine was in her seventies when she found out her family’s secret. And it was just by accident.
“I grew up with my mum and dad, we lived in a flat. My parents were very secretive. We weren’t encouraged to speak to neighbours.
“I didn’t understand why but that’s how it was. It was only as I got older that I realised that not everybody was like that.”
Christine knew that her parents weren’t married and that the family had a difficult relationship with her mother’s sister, Jean.
“Nobody much liked her. Even her own mother didn’t like her very much.
“She had eight children by different men. My mum was her main support, financially. My mother looked after Jean her whole life.
“My mum and I used to go and visit her and take her stuff which she would then flog. We’d take clothes for the children, we’d take bed linen because the children would be sleeping on beds with no bed linen. We were always having to deal with her and get her out of scrapes and things.”
In 2016, Christine decided she wanted to see her full birth certificate as she’d only seen a shortened version. This gave her date of birth and that her grandmother registered her, but it didn’t say who her parents were. She sent off for the paperwork.
“Honestly, I don’t know what prompted me to do that. Nothing had happened.
“After I’d sent for [the full birth certificate] it suddenly came into my head, what could I possibly find out that could be really awful? And what I could possibly find out that would be really awful would be that Jean was my mother.
“When the birth certificate arrived, I opened it, not expecting to see anything like that, but there it was: Name of the mother, Jean Elsie Louise. Name of father, unknown.”
Christine’s birth mother was Jean, the woman she had known as her aunt.
“My mother’s whole family, they all knew. All her brothers knew. And my dad knew. Everyone knew except me. Even my dad’s sister knew evidently. How didn’t I know for the whole of my life?”
The secret has made Christine appreciate her mum who brought her up even more.
“As well as having loved my mum, I’m now very grateful to her, I don’t remember being grateful to her before.
“What is a mum? A mum is somebody who looks after their children, who loves them for their foibles, for their good bits, for their bad bits, and that’s who she was.”
What would you do if you discovered something that you thought could break up your whole family?
27-year-old Jess* (not her real name) got in touch to talk about the impact of a family secret she discovered when she was a teenager.
“At first I tried to not let it get to me, but that’s impossible. I kept just trying to push it to the back of my head, and then there’s a point when you just can’t do that anymore.”
At 14, Jess discovered that her mum was having an affair. She didn’t tell anyone for three years.
“I used to hang out with my mum a lot, go shopping, do girly things, and I just started to notice my mum acting differently.
“I got a suspicion that she was up to something by her facial expressions and the way she’d look at her phone when she was reading something. I’d never really seen her do that before.
“Me being suspicious and young, I obviously checked her phone. And I found out that my mum was having an affair.”
Jess didn’t tell her mum she knew, nor did she tell her two brothers or father.
“I didn’t tell my mum because I didn’t know what was the right thing to do.
“Just fear of losing my family completely, fear of family falling apart and not them being the way we’ve always been.”
After three years of keeping the secret of her mum’s affair, Jess decided she had to tell someone.
“It all just got too much for me. It was all I could think about. I couldn’t pretend any longer to my mum. My dad didn’t deserve it anymore, I had to get it out.”
She told her older brothers and they decided to tell their mum that they knew what she was hiding.
“She was a mess. She begged us not to tell our dad, and she said she’d stop.”
But a year later, Jess found out that the affair was still happening. She and her brothers told their father.
“The first thing he said was, ‘you’re lying, she would never do that.’ But he had to believe us because we had proof.
“My dad, God bless him, he would not leave her. He was like ‘she’s the love of my life and I will do whatever it takes to get her back’."
More than a decade later, Jess’ parents are still together and the family are in a happy place.
“I didn’t think that I could ever forgive my mum, but it’s your mum, you’ve got to forgive, you have to.
“If anyone has to go through anything like this and hold something in like that, never feel ashamed to say it out loud or worry what people think of you. Just try and understand your emotions.”
Liz* (not her real name) found out a family secret just after her father died. The revelation was so significant, it changed her feelings about her mother.
“Finding out that my parents had kept a secret from us for so long, that was the hardest thing.”
After her father died in 2006, Liz’s brother was going through the probate form with their mother.
“He’d gone through all the routine questions, and there was a question: does the deceased have any other children? And she said, ‘yes he does’.
“He was obviously very taken aback and I believe he thought she didn’t understand first of all. He said it again and she said, ‘yes he does’.”
Liz’s dad had had an affair 50 years previously, which resulted in a daughter. Liz and her brothers had a half-sister.
“It was a big shock that there was a half-sister, but the main shock was the fact that we knew that they kept it secret from us for so long. That was the most upsetting thing.
“My mum thought we should be more upset about her and what she’d gone through, and not the fact that she hadn’t told us.
“I was angry. It was like it wasn’t a big thing, it was almost dropped in conversation. I don’t think she appreciated that.”
Liz and her brothers asked their mother why she hadn’t told them about their half-sister.
“She just said it wasn’t her secret to tell. She said it was a legal document and so she had to tell the truth.”
The revelation of the secret affected Liz’s relationship with her mum.
“It didn’t ruin our relationship but it definitely altered it. If she had said, ‘I’m sorry I probably should have told you, but I felt I shouldn’t, can you forgive me?’ then it might have been different.”
Liz’s mum lived for six years after their dad died. The half-sister was never mentioned again.
Liz and her brothers have never tried to make contact with their half-sister.
“We didn’t know what we might unearth, particularly when my mother was alive, and we don’t know what [the half-sister] had been told. We might potentially upset her a lot as well, because we don’t know what she has been told about her parenthood.
“But there is a possibility that someone could come knocking on the door one day.”
Moira always knew her mum was different, but her parents never explained why. It wasn’t until she was in her forties that doctors told her the reason.
“I think my mum’s illness happened pretty soon after I arrived.
“I always knew that my mum took medication, had an injection, took tablets, that sort of thing.
"I was aware it was something I shouldn’t talk about. Without saying, ‘you must keep this a secret’, I knew that you must keep it a secret.
“I knew that my mum was not suffering from being a bit nervy, and I knew it was serious. Nobody ever referred to what it was
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