Fuckerware Party

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Fuckerware Party

© THE NERVOUS BREAKDOWN ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

I went to a bachelorette party with my good friend, because it was for her daughter and she wanted company. I was under the impression that they were the similar to wedding showers. I’ve been to one wedding shower in my life and it was quite nice. There was actually a color scheme. Everything down to the plates matched. I was impressed with the planning that went into it. There were balloons and confetti all over, more great treats than you could eat, a big group of family and friends, tons of sensible gifts and a bonus of a really great dog to play with if you got self-conscious because you didn’t know anyone.
Victor was going with his good friend to the bachelor party. I had heard about those and wondered how long into the night Victor would last. (He made it through dinner and then he and his friend left the party to go home to bed.)
We arrived two hours early to help out, but there was nothing for us to do. So we watched one of the groom’s two 90-year old grandmas icing a penis cake. It was big and intricate. Something just seemed out of whack. ( 90-year old grandma icing a penis cake, you know.)
The theme of the party was “The Penis.”
The plastic silverware ended in penises.
The ice “cubes” came in quite a variety. There were penises with scrotums, naked ladies with huge bosoms, couples frozen in flagrante delecto, and vaginas, (I feel that I should repeat that last one; there were vaginal ice cubes.)
The Party “hats” were paper glasses. The eyepieces were testicles. The nosepiece was a penis. There was a choice of flipping the penis erect or flaccid. People were wearing them both ways.
I thought I had seen the full array of the penis theme of the night and there was nothing more ahead of us but the opening of the gifts and the snacks.
Then a woman came in rolling a crate with drawers and a large case on the top. She was setting up in the corner of the room while the ladies placed chairs in a half circle around her. I thought there might be entertainment, a magician, perhaps.
The mysterious lady asked everyone to sit in a booming voice.
“Has anyone been to a Passion Party before? she boomed, you are all about to find out what a Passion Party is!” She could have been a disc jockey with that voice, or a politician. (Definitely not a magician.)
She started out slowly, passing around aerosol cans of “Irresistible Pheromones” to spray on the sheets at night. There was a tube of “Tighten Up!” There was an advertisement on the side of the tube that promised “It would be like the very first time!” I wondered how that worked.
After the sprays and the powders and the gels, Booming Lady brought out the “appliances.”

“The tip of your nose is the most sensitive spot to test these babies,” she assured us. Politely, each lady placed the vibrating appliances to the tips of their noses as they passed from nose to nose from one seat to the next. Many of the devices seemed almost alive: in addition to vibrating, the apex of some of these also moved around in a circle. I can say for absolute certainty that my nose had never experienced such sensations before.
I’ll tell you about some of these things, but many are just too embarrassing to describe here. There was “The Double Bullet,” (“which equaled twice the fun.”) It had wires with which to pull the two bullets out of wherever you were having twice the fun, when you were finished having, um, twice the fun.
There were “Mini” and “Maxi Bullets,” (“press the button and ring your bell!”) No wires accompanied these items, so I wasn’t sure how one would extract them. Booming Lady didn’t sell an extractor. I looked.
Booming Lady claimed one of her biggest sellers was the “Body Wand,” which never needed batteries, since it had a “cord over six feet long!”
This one I thought was pretty amazing. It’s called the “Flutter Frenzy” and it is worn under your clothes.
I pondered how this one could be used. At work? Would you get your work done efficiently while wearing this? At the movies? Would you pay any attention to the plot? While cooking dinner? Wouldn’t you be in danger of burning something in the kitchen?
There were also tubes that had metal ball bearings inside the jelly plastic. These glowed in the dark, which I thought was an extra special touch, although why a man would want parts of himself to glow in the dark was a mystery to me. I myself have never had any problems locating any part of Victor in the dark. I’m just saying.
It was all quite peculiar insofar as only my friend and I were shocked and embarrassed. Everyone else, including the almost 90-year old grandmas was perfectly at ease with all of this.
After Booming Lady’s demonstration, she asked if anyone had any questions. I asked her if her mother knew what she did for a living. She boomed that her mother did indeed know what she did for a living and was very, very proud of her. (I did not believe her. I’m pretty sure that her mother is under the impression that she sells Avon products.)
The bride-to-be was slated to win a large assortment of goodies from Booming Lady’s bag of tricks, depending on how many items were purchased that very evening. A number of enthusiastic people filed, one at a time, into a private bedroom in order to buy from amongst the products.
I, myself, made the mistake of ordering one item which I thought was so totally ridiculous that it would be a funny thing to show to people. It is called a “Car Pet.” This was an item, which could only be plugged into a car’s 12-volt power source, you know, it used to be called the cigarette lighter. It’s important that you understand that this could not plug into the wall, nor could it run on batteries. Seriously, this item was meant to use in a car! Can you imagine anything more absurd?
Oddly, Victor did not think it was in the least bit funny. This really surprised me, since he’s quite raunchy. He says horrendous things in public. Ask anyone! In fact, this purchase of mine made him livid. I had to cancel my order to prevent him from having a stroke or something. It was truly a bummer. I haven’t the slightest idea why it made him so upset. I still think it would be a fabulous conversation-starter at a dinner party. I thought it was hysterical, but I suppose that you have to let the fuddy-duddy partner make the decision about this type of thing.

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Here are 69 different ways to say fuck, excerpted from F**k: An Irreverent History of the F-Word , by Rufus Lodge, a successful and critically acclaimed author who lives in London under another name. Published today by HarperCollins. You can buy it here. It's funny.
ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY: A prime example of what the linguists call 'infixation', in which one word insists on sitting right in the middle of another. Now you know what it's called, you can make up your own examples.
BUMBLEFUCK: 'Bumble' stands for 'bumbling idiot'; 'fuck' stands for everything that it usually does. So a 'bumblefuck' is a 'fucker' who is also an idiot: or an idiot, in other words. When applied to a situation, a bumblefuck is one that was probably designed by a whole circus of bumblefucks, and thus should be avoided wherever possible.
BUMFUCK: Forget the obvious definition, which is... yes, you've got it. A 'bumfuck' can also be a 'bum fuck': that is, someone with whom it is not much fun to share a sleeping bag. On the basis that someone's sexual etiquette is probably a reflection of their wider character, the word can also be applied to a person who is unpleasant with clothes on or off.
CLUSTERFUCK: A remarkably descriptive American term for a scene in which there are lots of people doing lots of unusual things with lots of other people, and none of them are wearing any undergarments. Fine as a fantasy, but actually rather annoying in real life, believe me. And so, by extension, it also applies to a situation that is extremely chaotic—but not actually that enjoyable.
FACEFUCK: At the risk of turning this into a sexual guidebook, 'facefuck' is a way of describing oral sex, particularly fellatio; and even more particularly if the person doing the sucking is lying on their back with an open mouth. Someone who is 'facefucked', however, is more likely in the twenty-first century to be 'off their face' having ingested something smaller, but probably more dangerous, in the way of drugs.
FINGERFUCK: A social activity in which a finger—or more: adjust according to taste—becomes an explorer, if you like, of dark caverns.
FLYING FUCKLAND: A more modern and less poetic way of saying 'Cloudcuckooland'—a place of fantasy that could surely not exist in real life. Book editor's note: outside the pages of Erica Jong's novel Fear of Flying , a flying fuck is rarely a good thing.
FUCKAHOLIC: An alcoholic is addicted to alcohol; a workaholic never leaves the office; a fuckaholic will fuck you even if you're an alcoholic and a workaholic, because they simply don't care where they put themselves.
FUCK-AROUND: The phrase 'fuck around' probably doesn't need any explanation, unless you've just come out of a convent, in which case the book from which this is excerpted probably isn't the ideal place to start. Don't try Fifty Shades of Grey , either. The more jaded of you can read on. Someone who fucked around sometimes came to be called a fuck-around; and then, starting on the island of Fiji, the word was applied to anyone who happened to be hanging around in the streets, usually with criminal intentions.
FUCKARSE: Someone who is a bit of a prat. As opposed to FUCK ARSE , which does exactly what it says on the tin.
FUCKATHON: Someone who is a fuckaholic, or who takes fucking around to the extremes, might take part in a fuckathon. In commercial terms, 'fuckathon' has been used as another way of describing 'gang bang' pornography, in which a female porn star attempts to have intercourse with as many partners as possible in a specified period. The supremely unerotic film starring Annabel Chang, The World's Biggest Gang Bang , is the best possible advertisement against the fuckathon, which makes a clusterfuck seem like afternoon tea at the vicarage. Like Boy George, I'd rather have a cup of tea.
FUCKASS: An all-purpose term of abuse, which doesn't usually have any specific connection to anal activities.
FUCKBAG: Nearly as all-purpose as 'fuck' itself: it can be a noun, denoting someone with little common sense; or someone (usually a woman, surprise surprise) who is known for having lots of sex; or it can be an adjective; or an exclamation of despair or disgust. And you can use it as one word or two. Satisfied?
FUCKBALL: Another derogatory term, familiar from the movie Get Shorty . Over to you, Harvey Keitel: 'Fuck you, fuckball.'
FUCK-BAR: An establishment in which fucking takes place, or in which one secures the vital connection to enable the same thing. A pick-up joint, in other words. Coined by the American gay community in the 1970s, it's used for a bar with back-room reserved for all kinds of sporting activity.
FUCKBEANS: I'd love to report that this is a slang term for Viagra, because it clearly should be. But disappointingly it's a piece of youth-speak meaning nothing more than that the person who uses it is slightly cross.
FUCK-BEGGAR: Originally, a man with a reputation for not being able to raise the mast when the, er, 'boat' is about to set sail. More widely, anyone who is so desperate for a sexual partner that they have to beg. Alternative term in the eighteenth century: 'buss-beggar' (not to be confused with someone who gets on a bus with a sob story about having lost their money on the way to the bus stop, like the woman I always see in the South Ealing Road).
FUCK BOOK: A work of pornography, designed to provide sexual excitement. Unlike the book this is excerpted from, which is strictly educational.
FUCKBOY: A male, usually young, and presumably not already gay, who finds himself the unwelcome recipient of attention from other males when he arrives in prison. The female equivalent, 'fuckgirl', doesn't seem to have come into such regular usage, perhaps because not all female prisons are like the ones in Hollywood porno movies.
FUCKBRAIN: A person whose brains have 'gone to fuck', and not because they want to have sex.
FUCK BUDDY: A friend with whom you have sex. In theory, this sex is wildly enjoyable, and totally free of complications and commitments. In practice, it usually buggers up the friendship.
FUCK-CHOPS: See FUCKBRAIN . Proof that you can add almost anything to the word 'fuck' if you want to call someone a prat.
FUCK-DUST: A multipurpose word, which originated in the 1950s as a description of stuff that simply wasn't up to scratch. By the 1980s, it had been transferred to people who were annoying, and in the modern century it is used as an exclamation in mildly upsetting situations. A hammer on an exposed finger merits the full 'Fuck!'; missing a bus when there's another one due in two minutes might deserve a token 'Fuck-dust!'.
FUCKEE: Someone who is being fucked, not necessarily in a sexual context.
FUCKERWARE: At a Tupperware party, the aim is to persuade gullible housewives to purchase household goods that they don't need by disguising the sales pitch as a social occasion. With Fuckerware, the principle can be the same, only the clients are being offered sex toys. Be wary of accepting an invitation to a Fuckerware party unless you know your host very well, however: the phrase is also applied to a swingers' gathering where men and women gather to experiment with a box of sex toys and partners who are not their own.
FUCKERY: The nineteenth-century term for a brothel has mutated in recent decades into a description of any kind of nonsense—no sexual activity required. It is used especially in state or corporate attempts to mess with our minds and our daily lives. Remember that the next time you're on the phone to a call centre.
FUCK-EYE: If you give someone the 'fuck-eye', you're employing what used to be called, in more romantic times, a 'come-hither stare'. If your 'fuck-eye' looks like your FUCKFACE , you prob­ably won't be getting any.
FUCKFACE: The gurning expressions pulled by every man and woman when they're experiencing an orgasm. If there's no gurning, they ain't feeling it. Similar expressions can be achieved by other means, such as plunging into hot or cold water, punching someone in sensitive places, or pretty much every activity seen in the Jackass film series.
FUCK-FEATURES: Abusive, of course, and pretty much guaran­teed not to get someone into bed if you try to attract their attention this way. It suggests ugliness, presumably because someone looks as if they've become stuck in their FUCKFACE .
FUCK-FEST: A glorious cavalcade of sex, which can involve as many people as you like. Sounds more fun than a FUCKATHON , doesn't it?
FUCK FILM: A film in which fucking occurs, usually in a more explicit fashion than you'll see in your local multiplex. Also known as a FUCK-FLICK .
FUCKFINGER: From the nineteenth century, this describes someone who was able to pleasure themselves with their own fingers: also known as a FUCKFIST . Not to be confused with the noun FINGERFUCK , which usually involves more than one person.
FUCK-FLAPS: Another way of saying 'cunt-flaps'. Which is another way of revealing that you're a young man who probably isn't ever going to get anywhere near anyone's labia.
FUCKHEAD: This isn't a sexual practice, but a description of someone who's such an idiot that he (and it usually is a 'he') isn't going to find a girlfriend.
FUCKING MACHINE: Someone who is a great lover—a stud (if it's a man). Or the habitual cry of anyone trying to use a computer, an automatic check-in at the airport, a ticket dispenser, a DVD player, a coffee-maker . . .
FUCKHOLE: The place where... look, you're going to have to work this one out for yourselves. First used in the Victorian era. And you thought they were all too busy covering up the legs of tables in case impressionable youngsters became over-excited. Like almost every other sexual term in the twenty-first century, this has been transformed into a term of abuse aimed at young women. The worldwide web has a lot to answer for.
FUCK-IN: We can thank American cartoonist Robert Crumb for this term, first identified in his 1968 illustration of the 'Grand Opening of the Great Intercontinental Fuck-in & Orgy-Riot' (published in the underground mag Snatch Comics ). See FUCK-FEST .
FUCK-IN-A-FOG: Chroniclers of English slang would have us believe that gardeners with foul minds use this term to describe the fennel flower—or, more poetically, 'love-in-a-mist'. Do not use this in any garden owned by the National Trust.
FUCK-IN-LAW: Someone who becomes related to you via sex. So if I have sex with your sister... No, of course I haven't had sex with your sister. Honestly. I don't know why I even mentioned your sister. I don't find her attractive. No, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with her, she's a lovely girl. Not in that way, obviously. I told you, I don't want to go to bed with her. All right, be like that, leave. I can always phone your sister. What? It was a joke . I don't even have her number. I can get it from your mum. No, I haven't had sex with your mum, honestly . . .
FUCKJOB: Something that is well and truly 'fucked up'; and therefore also the means by which Person A 'fucks up' Person B, who may or may not deserve it. In the era of internet porn, almost anything sexual is a 'fuckjob', and probably just as mechanical as that term suggests.
FUCK-KNUCKLE: Our Australian cousins get the credit for this mild alternative to the more abusive FUCKHEAD —the gentle nature of the insult presumably conveyed by the fact that the finger is only involved as far as the knuckle.
FUCKLESS WONDER: Someone who's a 'chinless wonder' is posh and stupid (remember Tim Nice-but-Dim?). Someone who's a 'brainless wonder' doesn't have to be posh. And someone who's a 'fuckless wonder' doesn't even have to have a brain.
FUCKLOAD: Used in the phrase 'a fuckload of' on occasions when the more common word 'shitload' simply doesn't capture the moment.
FUCK-ME'S: American gay slang for a tight pair of trousers, though I would have thought
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Chunky Tranny
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