Found Wife Cheat Me

Found Wife Cheat Me

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I just found out that my wife cheated on me
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ihatechoosinga ( original poster member #57269) posted at 6:23 PM on Saturday, February 4th, 2017

I found out late last night/early this morning that my wife cheated one me. I don't know what exactly to write but it has torn my heart in half. I still love her though and we both want to try to work through it. She seems genuinely remorseful about hurting me and hurting our relationship. The one good thing I got from my grandfather is also my downfall. It's that I forgive anybody and everybody way too easily. Part of me desperately wants to go ahead and forgive her but another part of me knows that forgiving her this soon will not solve the problem of why she cheated and what to do from here. I am at a loss and would greatly appreciate any advice on how to get through this. I am open to sharing more details if people think that will help in giving advice.

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:34 PM on Saturday, February 4th, 2017

Sorry you qualify for membership, but it's a good thing you found us.

Rule #1 is 'Take what makes sense; ignore the rest.' You'll get many opinions here; you get to choose which ones, if any, you'll adopt.

First, take care of yourself - lots of water, at least some non-junk food, physical movement. Sleep may be tough for a long time.

Understand that your brain will want to get away from the pain as quickly as possible, and your head will be filled with contradictory thoughts and feelings for some time. You're probably in shock.

You do not have to make big decisions now. You can give yourself time to figure out what you want and what is possible.

If you forgive too easily, your W will just have to deal with it, if you go into R (reconciliation) - and if she's committed to R, she'll deal with it fine.

I strongly recommend reading at least the BS FAQs in the Healing Library (link is in the yellow box at the upper left of SI pages).

Also, checkout the Just Found Out threads identified by 'bull's eyes' and 'beyond remorse and regret' in the R forum.

IMO, you've been inundated with too much emotion for your system to handle. Recovery for you is 1) processing the feelings (anger, fear, grief, shame) out of your body, and 2) resolving resistance to processing the feelings. I'm a big fan of IC, if you can find a good one.

I also think it's necessary for you to define some measurable/observable requirements for R, if that's what you choose. That way you and your W can know how you're doing and what areas need more attention.

IMO, one of your requirements needs to be IC for your W, with a goal of changing from cheater to good partner. Other requirements are No Contact (NC), honesty, and transparency (see Healing Library).

MC probably will be helpful at some point. IMO, a good MC can help immediately if the MC is good, but lots of SIers think MC should be delayed until IC has taken hold.

And you can add specifics that are meaningful to you. My W had to arrange dates for us, for example.

Understand that your W cheated because of her issues, not because of anything you did or didn't do. That's why she needs IC, IMO. (BTW that's one of the key indicators of a good MC - an MC who sees As as symptoms of problems in your WS may be a good MC. An MC who sees an A as a symptom of an M problem is just plain wrong, and probably close to useless.)

This site is called 'survivinginfidelity'. It's about that, of course, but it's also about thriving after infidelity. I urge you to take that as your goal. Thriving really is possible.

Before you decide to R, I urge you to consider D, too. R is difficult. I think it's a lot easier to deal with the difficulties if you know you have another good option. You may want to be with your W, but you don't need her.

ETA: I see SerJr has responded. I recommend as strongly as possible that you listen to him - his name is all over threads that helped me tremendously when I joined.

More important, recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. Life will suck for too long, but you'll probably start feeling better in 3-6 months, and you'll feel better and better as you heal - but the rule of thumb is 2-5 years for recovery.

So settle in, fasten your seatbelt, and have faith in yourself to get to the right destination for you. It'll just take longer than anyone wants.
[This message edited by sisoon at 12:55 PM, February 4th (Saturday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap DDay - 12/22/2010 Recover'd and R'ed You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
SerJR ( member #14993) posted at 6:37 PM on Saturday, February 4th, 2017

It's normal to be hurt, scared, confused, and angry in light of a betrayal like this. But you can heal and move forward to a brighter and healthier future one way or another.

You say that your wife is remorseful. What has she actually done? Remorse is consistency of action over time and you need to see:

- She takes ownership over her choices and the consequences without minimising, blameshifting, or rugsweeping

- She recognises the impact it has had on you and the marriage

- She puts plans in place to ensure that it never happens again. This includes IC to understand why she did what she did and ensuring no contact with the OM and giving you access to emails, passwords, phones, etc so that you can rebuild trust.

- She is actively trying to make amends to the marriage and is willing to connect and meet your emotional needs, and support and encourage your healing.

You can definitely forgive, but you can never forget. You can trust, but that is built through verification. I would think really hard about what your needs are and what your dealbreakers are and be very clear with your WW and be willing to back that up with action. You can only control your choices and make these boundaries clear - your WW has to do her part and only she can make her own choices.

Above all make sure you are taking good care of yourself. Pay attention to your emotional, physical, and mental wellbeing and don't be afraid to get help in real life if you need it. Keep reading, keep posting, and make sure to check out the Healing Library. It's going to take both time and work to get through this, but if you are committed to your wellbeing you can find a healthier future one way or another.

Me: BH - Happily remarried. Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.
Allbrokenup ( member #52393) posted at 6:49 PM on Saturday, February 4th, 2017

I feel for you and know how bad it must feel. Keep reading the advice, read the Healing Library. Set you boundaries and stick to them. Do your best to minimize any Trickle Truth as that can be just as damaging as the affair.

Me BH 40s WW 40s Married 17 yrs 1 DS 11 Dday 1 12/13/15 multiple online affairs one ONS Dday 2 1/3/16 4 more ONS and at maybe 3 short term OEAs Dday 3 1/17/16 a threesome with her BFF and BFF's AP She stopped all A's on DDay 1, but TT until
confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 7:04 PM on Saturday, February 4th, 2017

Unless she came to you and confessed, what you're seeing isn't remorse. It's regret, sorry she was caught, and saying whatever she can to cover her ass. True remorse takes time.

Do not forgive yet. First, you don't know what you're forgiving. It's highly unlikely that you know the full extent of her affair. And,given to quickly, means the WS feels she basically got away with it.

So she wants to attempt reconciliation? First, you need to make it clear there are no guarantees. Whether you can actually reconcile will depend greatly on her actions.

The minimum requirement for reconciliation should include..

Total no contact with the other man. If that means she has to quit her job..Then she quits her job. She writes him a NC message that looks like..

OM, do not ever attempt to contact me again. Any further attempts at contact will result in legal actions. WE

Then she blocks him from being able to make contact.

If he attempts to contact her, she doesn't respond, and she tells you immediately.

Full disclosure. She tells you everything..now.

Full transparency. You get full access to everything..email...cell...Facebook..passwords included.

Std testing immediately..And you see the results from the doctor.

She dumps any friends who knew about the affair, and didn't tell you.

She answers all of your questions, without blame or anger.

She understands it will take three to five years to heal from this...And that can't begin until she's told you the entire truth.

She is accountable for her time when away from you.

And anything else you need to feel safe.

If you could tell us more about your situation, it would be helpful.

Who is the other man? You need to call his wife and tell her about the affair. Do not tell your wife..just do it. She will warn him, and by the time you speak to her, she will have been told you are dangerous,abusive, and accusing all of your wife's male acquaintances of having an affair with her. Don't message her. He knows you know, and will intercept the message. Offer his wife a copy of any evidence you have.

Don't try to nice her back. The betrayed husbands who have the most success,are aggressive not passive, and make it very clear they won't tolerate anymore shit.

BS(me)44 FWH 48 4 kids M: June 2001 D-Day: 8/10/10 ..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
wk55hn ( member #44159) posted at 7:10 PM on Saturday, February 4th, 2017

It would be very rare for her to be sorry she hurt you at this point.

How long have you been married and how long did the affair last and how did you find out? Who was the guy? Why did she say she cheated? Also, how much do you know about the affair independently of what she has said?

Main advice right now is to ignore how she talks, how sincere she seems, etc. That has proven time and again to be a terrible indication.

It seems you want to consider staying married, and that's as far as you should go at this point. Another bit of advice is to let her win her way back that she wants this marriage.

So ignore her words unless she backs it up with actions. Actions might be anything that shows she is ending the affair and doing things to you to prove that, like giving you passwords and communication devices, writing down a timeline of the affair, getting tested for STDs and pregnancy test, and answering your questions.

Check out her phone logs and emails and see if her story matches up to the facts.

nme1 ( member #44360) posted at 9:24 PM on Saturday, February 4th, 2017

Welcome. Could you tell us more about your situation? How did you find out? Who was the OM and how long had it been going on for? What did your WW say on Dday?

I'm sorry you're here, but this is the best club that you never wanted to join.

Me: BS Him: WS M 16 yrs 2 x DS D-Day 6th March 2014
william ( member #41986) posted at 9:43 PM on Saturday, February 4th, 2017

sorry you are here. can you give more info so we can better help?

dont decide to reconcile or divorce now. thats the worst thing you can do. wait and base a decision off her actions.

me - bh her - lara01 from 09/11 - 05/13 2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA ??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R. 01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA. 01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys. 01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
ihatechoosinga ( original poster member #57269) posted at 4:02 AM on Sunday, February 5th, 2017

Sorry for just getting back. I've spent most of the day either numb or feeling like I am going insane. I don't know if I am going to regret this but here we go. A little background information. We have been married for only 4 months, however, we have been together for 4 years. 2 of those years we were engaged. Before we even got married we both agreed that whether we got married to each other, or to someone else, that we wanted a long engagement. We are in our late 20's.

Now to the betrayal part. A week ago, we had gone with my parents to put the family dog down. Long story short, it was a dog that had helped me get through some rough times as a teenager and she was a dog that my wife had grown to love. I was filled with so many different emotions that I had not felt in almost 9 years (when I had to put down my own dog that I got when I turned 13 and helped me make it through my teenage years even more) that I essentially went into a numb state. I couldn't talk, cry, or anything really. My wife tried to hold me not only for me but also because she needed comforting. I wouldn't let her out of fear that I was going to break down in the vet office. Both of us are big animal lovers so not only did it affect us because of the reasons above, but her parents had to put down the 2 dogs that she grew up with a couple of months ago and we just got done putting our own dog through chemotherapy after finding out he had lymphoma back in September. So we get home and because I am back in school to try to better our lives (something that she has been extremely supportive of), I had to work on studying for an exam that I had to take online that Sunday. She seemed a little upset but she attributed it to what we went through that afternoon. She said she was going to go out with friends and that I was welcome to join if I wanted to. 2 of the 3 friends that were there had been at our wedding. When I got done studying, I met up with them and the entire time she was kind of distancing herself from me. So we all get invited back to one of the friends house to hang out and when we are walking to the car, I asked her to hang back so I could talk to her. I asked her what was wrong and she expressed that she felt like I pushed her away earlier at the vet office. I explained that I hadn't had those kinds of emotions hit me that hard in almost 9 years. She understood and everything seemed okay between us, however she wanted some time to hang out with her 3 friends. 1 of the 2 friends that had been at our wedding was a guy. So I said that was fine and she said she was going to spend the night at the friend's house that we had all been invited to (not the guy). In order to make sure this doesn't go on forever, I am just going to give little bits of information over the last week that I think are important. Since the night she spent at her friend's house, she acted more distant from me. She also kept wanting to hang out with the guy friend a lot and said that it was just to help with her depression because staying at home sleeping all day while I do schoolwork doesn't help it. Now, since the night we met up with the 3 friends, I have had a terrible gut feeling that got even worse when she had said this. Trying to be a caring and supportive husband, I said that I understood and if there was anything I could do, to let me know. I just left it at that. So over the past week she had been texting this guy a lot. Like more than I have ever seen her text anybody. That just intensified the gut feeling. So Thursday, she went to hang out with the guy friend since I had lab and class for most of the day. I had a 2 hour break between lab and class and when I was walking to the car she asked if it would be okay if they hung out at our apartment with me. I said sure. While there, she got my computer and pulled up her email. She got an email from Adam and Eve for a deal on some sex toys so she pulled that up for me to look at. I didn't feel comfortable with it at all with the guy friend there with us. Now I haven't mentioned until now because I don't feel like this is a problem as long as it just stays as two friends giving each other advice. But she had heard that this guy friend was very knowledgeable when it comes to sex toys and she had asked me in the past if she could talk to him about it to get ideas for toys for us. Deep down I didn't like it but I thought it could just be a little jealousy and what's the harm if he truly is just a friend and nothing more. So back to the guy friend being in our apartment. Later Thursday night, I wanted to surprise my wife with ordering a few toys so I opened the tab that still had her email open so that I could get the coupon and when I opened the tab, I noticed an email from the guy friend. The subject line said something along the lines of this is a nice pinup of you. So I opened it and my gut feeling got even worse. I knew something wasn't right but I knew that this simple pinup was not proof that she had cheated. So last night when she got home from work she kept pushing me to go hangout with my friends who wanted to drink a few beers but something didn't feel right to me because she kept getting texts from the guy friend but she tried to hide her phone out of site from me (which she had never ever done before in our entire relationship). So I went out with my friends and got home, I knew something wasn't right so I asked if I could use her phone as a flashlight when I went to let the dog out. When I was walking down the steps to let the dog out, whether this was right or wrong of me I don't know but I noticed that she had no text messages at all from this guy friend that she had been texting all week and last night. So my heart just drops. Wi
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