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Kink Talk is a community and resource for adults researching and exploring the kink, BDSM, and fetish worlds.
Up until last year, my husband and I led a fairly ho-hum existence in regards to sex and kink. It wasn’t until I accidentally found myself reading an incredibly smutty book that I realized what I was reading wasn’t gross; it was fascinating and I wanted to try everything .
It was a normal Wednesday evening when I brought the book up to my bedroom, where I nervously asked my husband to read a particularly descriptive passage about anal sex and the use of anal beads. Imagine my surprise when he wasn’t disgusted! “So, this is something — we could try? Someday? Maybe?” I said. He laughed and said “ Sure! As long as you’re comfortable with it!” By the end of the week, I was the proud owner of a very pretty butt plug, some heavy-duty lube and my husband was in possession of my butt-sex virginity.
Here’s what I’ve figured out about getting your kink on with a lover: Unless you meet on a fetish forum or get real drunk with each other, your secret desires to be spanked, whacked, choked, and manhandled will probably go unspoken. Imagine turning to your lover right now and saying, “Tonight I would like you to slap my tits until they bruise.”
What would happen? Would someone’s head explode? Would you feel judged? Would your lover even know what tit slapping was? IT’S SUCH A RISK! So how does a happy and healthy sexually active couple go about figuring out the hard and soft limits of their sexuality? If you lead a fairly vanilla life chances are you’re completely unaware to just how much pleasure there is to be had out there. But how do you go about approaching the subject?
Yes, porn is getting a bad rap lately, and it should — I’ve watched porn destroy many a relationship because it was either kept secret or abused to the point where the lines between reality and porn blur into a muddled mess of pain and confusion for everyone involved.
But I’ve learned that porn, when viewed with my husband, can actually be wonderfully beneficial to both of us. It helps that we’re both open-minded in regards to sex but we still find it easier to find new positions and ideas from porn than trying to describe what we think we’d like.
Here are some of our favorite pornographic pleasures:
1. Girl-on girl. Girls are soft, girls are pretty, girls are generally less aggressive than men are, and let’s be honest — girls know what girls like because girls have the same parts as other girls. My husband enjoys watching two girls together because he is guy; I enjoy watching because I have a pretty strong desire to make out with a girl one day.
2. Tit-slapping. I had heard of it, but never considered it until I watched it and my brain and body made the connection that “Hey, I think I’d like that.” My husband was ecstatic as it was something he had always wanted to try but was too shy to ask about. What is tit-slapping? It’s exactly what it sounds like: basically having your boobs spanked.
3. Girl/guy bondage. Preferably the guy tying up the girl. I love being submissive to my husband, so seeing other women being submissive to their lovers is a turn-on for both of us. I especially love elaborate rope ties, as it is more of a focused art form rather than just a hasty, easy-to-break-free-from handkerchief to a headboard.
4. Super-oily, naked massages. If there were one scene I would never opt out of, it would be having big warm hands all over my oiled and naked body. I don’t even care about getting knots out; I just want strong hands all over me. It’s a hard one to recreate in the bedroom because cleaning that amount of oil out of or off of anything would ruin it for me.
5. Sensual, slooooow kissing. Kissing seems so basic and boring, I mean, most of us have been doing it since we were horny teenagers. But a good kiss, one that goes slow, where you’re breathing in another person? Those are the kinds of kisses that get us all hot and bothered. Anyone can slam their body parts together but to kiss like you mean it requires a level of passion and intimacy that can’t be found with just anyone.
Now that you know what we’re into (no judgment!), here are a few helpful suggestions that have worked for us to make watching porn less awkward and more amazing:
I realize guys are audio and visual but I am visual only. Corny dialogue and music only distract me from what is really going on — plus it’s easier for my husband to tell what I’m really into when everything is quiet. I have a bad habit of doing terrible voice-overs if I don’t like what we’re watching. If I’m quiet, it’s usually a good indication that I’m interested in what’s going on.
While watching, our discussions usually involve simple statements like “Please never do that to me” or “I wouldn’t hate it if you tried that on me.” We both laugh at the outlandish positions — what is it with men going down on women who just happen to be doing a headstand? NOPE — and hum in agreement on positions we know we like.
It’s also important to go into more detail if there was something one of us would like to try: When would you want to try it? Where would you want it to happen? What toys or preparation would you need to complete before it could happen? While we’re at it, now is also a good time to discuss your safe words!
There is A LOT of porn out there, and it is categorized down to the tiniest detail. If we don’t both enjoy what we’re watching, we change the video! If one of us really likes a particular scene but the other is slightly horrified? We’ll have a discussion about what it is they like about the scene, then narrow down our searches to even more specific details.
We both agree quality is key — there’s no reason for us to watch terribly lit porn and shoddy camera work — which narrows down our choices immensely. Same goes for costuming, who really does the dishes in a tiny skirt, high heels and no underpants? We prefer our porn to be *slightly* realistic.
There is an entire world to explore on the other side of your safe search filter, when explored honestly and with healthy curiosity in mind — it can open up a whole new world to couples who believe their sex lives to be dead in the water.
Even if you don’t end up living out a real life porn scene, you’ll at least have the fodder for a spirited discussion on what each of you is into (which may very well lead to a horizontal display in the bedroom).
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10 Kinky Things Women Do That Men Are Completely Obsessed With
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By Tom Miller — Written on Sep 08, 2016
As much as it’s against my personal creed, I’ll be honest for a second. Upon receiving this assignment, I had to look up kinky in the dictionary because I’m a chili cheese fries kinda guy when it comes to sex : meat and potatoes, and a little cheesy.
Internet dictionary defines kinky as “involving or given to unusual sexual behavior.” And I’ll be damned if the word “unusual” doesn’t plop into this whole operation like a number two shot out of a t-shirt cannon.
For some folks, “unusual” may mean leaving the lights on , and for others it may mean being pegged by a criminally insane drifter they met at the grand opening of a Starbucks. But if drunk convos with my friends and lurking around YourTango informs me of anything, most of us are somewhere deliciously between these two things.
For most dudes, the whole kinky thing is about novelty . For others, it’s about unresolved formative trauma. And, if you’re lucky, both. Let’s concentrate on novelty. Periodically it’s gratifying to convince our caveman brains that we’re ensuring our genetics are passed as widely as possible even if we’re not Ashley Madison-ing it up out there.
Here are 10 things kinky women are seriously great at doing that men seriously dig:
When in doubt, just go with “[verb expletive] my [noun expletive], baby.”
Put his hands on your throat if you like being choked. Asked to be spanked if that’s your thing . And if you're interested in having your hair pulled , just do it doggie-style.
Own (and wear) completely impractical lingerie. I don’t know how it’s possible, but thigh-high stockings are somehow sexier than no stockings at all.
Be aggressive. Request position changes. Tell him what you want to do to him and, if you want to choke him, there are like 0.0001 percent of guys who may be cool with it.
Insist on him not using his hands once in a while. But don't let him go hands-free too much or he'll get lazy.
Take precautions that it doesn’t end up in Kris Jenner ’s hands, but saying you want to "watch" it later is melt-your-face-off-like- Raiders-Of-The-Lost-Ark hot.
Explore yourself with your finger and then put it in his mouth. If you’re feeling fun, do the same with his finger and your mouth .
I'm not even sure if you should ask. I know I know, social contract. I know women have decided they hate 69-ing , so face the other direction and "concentrate" on your magic.
Be exceptionally clear where you want his DNA to go , even if it’s to be Spider-Man -ed directly into one of the cheaper towels.
Go out and get (mildly) freaky. You’ll be surprised what a virtuous cycle stepping out of your comfort zone with a little kink may start.
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Saddle up, it's gonna be a rough ride from here on.
"I'm into restraints and bondage . The feeling of not being able to move or fight against what is being done to me really turns me on. A fantasy of mine is to be completely tied up and be given orgasms nonstop ."
"I'm poly and have a few different kink styles that I really enjoy with various partners ( impact play, primal biting/clawing, a bit of a bimbo fetish at times , etc.). One thing that has really been doing it for me lately has been a form of erotic hypnosis . My partner puts me in a light trance and 'programs' me to focus exclusively on getting my pleasure from serving him."
"Bondage and being tied up really turns me on. A recurring sex fantasy is being locked into one of these in a frat house living room , while the hot frat guys take turns using my holes."
"I really enjoy breath play (choking), pain play (spanking, flogging, etc.), I love bondage, blindfolds, and gags . I also get off on the thought of people watching me but I have never gotten to play with this fantasy outside of my mind. More than anything though I love pleasuring my partner(s) so I am up to try almost anything and everything."
"Not necessarily DD/lg but just a daddy kink . Also being choked, spanked, and having my hair pulled ."
"I've been having sex with the same man for 23 years, so we most definitely experiment to keep those home fires burning bright. More recently, we've dabbled in choking and bondage . I don't know if it's a 'power' thing, but I've never experienced orgasms the way I do when his hands are around my throat and he's calling me his 'little whore'. It's indescribable!"
"I'm into polyandry , as in one woman and two men . Preferably all three in a relationship together."
"I'm really into moderate BDSM , meaning DD/lg, spanking (paddle, belt, hands, and flogger) nipple clamps, choking, being slapped, bondage, gags , etc. I'm also a submissive."
"My boyfriend and I have handcuffs, bed and door restraints, hog ties, a variety of gags and blindfolds, whips, and paddles . We also have dildos, strap-ons, and vibrators . We enjoy using food during sex but not so often as it tends to be a little harder to clear up after! We change between submissive and dominant roles regularly. As much kink as we have, we still love vanilla sex in our relationship."
"Personally for me I like a Dom/sub relationship in the bedroom, preferably with someone else who is a switch so we can both take turns. Along with this is spanking, and bondage , as well as some role-play occasionally. Oh yeah, and wax play if we both feel up to it."
" Feet definitely, watersports if i'm in the mood, and spit too."
"I am a sucker for being flogged with wide-fall heavy hide floggers. Crops are fun, and restraints too, or being restrained (held down by my jaw, or face down with a hand on the base of my neck)."
"I'm really into sadism and masochism in a severely rough sex kind of way. I also enjoy being tied up and engaging in certain types of role-play . It took me a long time to come to terms with my kinks, but I'm glad I'm finally able to open up about them."
Note: submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
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