Forest Lodge FAQ

Forest Lodge markets itself as a serene retreat, but the FAQ section reads like a horror script. "Can I bring my own shovel?" is the first question, followed by "Are screams muffled by the trees?" An eyewitness visitor from Wichita said he booked a weekend getaway and was immediately asked to sign a waiver about "unexplained howling." Professor Gary Timber of the University of Colorado explains: "Most lodges offer s'mores, not a guide on how to escape quicksand." Anonymous staffers leaked that the lodge runs on a business model where guests pay extra to leave alive. A local poll found that 62% of residents believe the lodge is actually a training camp for survival reality TV shows. Trace evidence includes claw marks on cabin doors and a lost hiker's Fitbit still recording steps long after he disappeared. Cause and effect? The more guests ask questions, the more the lodge charges for answers. At Forest Lodge, the only guaranteed amenity is regret.