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Sex and pleasure go far beyond penetrative sex. Here's how to rock your partner’s socks off.
Foreplay isn’t optional. It’s not something that you can half-ass for two minutes before rushing into P-in-V or P-in-B sex. Instead, it's something you should take your time with to get both your partner and yourself in the mood—after all, you shouldn’t be feigning excitement or mindlessly going through the motions just for your partner’s sake. Foreplay is something that should turn on everyone involved.
“Without foreplay, [sex] is equivalent to putting a frozen turkey in a 250 degree oven,” explains Taylor Sparks, erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven , one of the largest BIPOC-owned online intimacy shops. “Oh, it will defrost at some point and it will cook within the next 4 or 5 days. But why go that route when you can defrost it and then warm it up the correct way at the correct temperature?”
Honestly, the term "foreplay" is a misnomer because it implies that what comes next—the actual “play” or intercourse—is somehow better. But that’s not the case. Most people with a vulva can’t orgasm through penetration alone . They require clitoral stimulation in order to experience climax, which happens when the external clitoral glans are engaged. The most reliable ways of doing this are not through penetration, but through oral, hand, or toy sex. (That said, it’s important to note that sex is not all about orgasming— it's about pleasure, and there's a difference .)
Foreplay is not the “before” part; think of it as MORE-play. It’s a huge piece of this puzzle that deserves a better reputation than some optional “pre-sex” fun. In fact, penetrative sex doesn't even need to be on the table at all for sex to be sex. Sex is everything involving genitals (or other body parts) that brings someone sexual pleasure. We need to open our minds, people! Prioritizing intercourse is so over.
Now, to get the best foreplay moreplay tips, we spoke to various sex experts. Try one, two, or all of these tips and techniques the next time you start fooling around, and watch some magic happen.
When in doubt, just come right out and ask what your partner likes during sex. “Most [people] appreciate men who want to make sure they’re satisfied,” says Barbara Bartlik, M.D., a professor of psychiatry at Cornell University. “If [they] notice you’re working hard to please them, “[they’ll] be more likely to return the favor.”
Communication is essential for good sex, no matter what kind of sex you’re having. Being open and honest about your turn-ons and inviting your partner to do the same creates an erotic atmosphere that’s both sexy and trusting.
Foreplay doesn’t simply start in the bedroom. It can start from the moment you wake up. Little texts like “Can’t wait to get naked with you tonight” can get your partner excited before you even set foot in the same room. If sending nudes is something that turns you and your partner on, go ahead and swap some sexy photos with one another. Then you can text what you plan to do to their naked body. Sexting gets the fires going so early that by the time you’re actually in bed, you’ll be RARING to go.
Ice cubes and candles that double as massage oil are a fun and easy way to turn up the heat on your foreplay, explains Sofiya Alexandra, co-host of the podcast Private Parts Unknown .
“Hold an ice cube between your teeth and draw it down your partner’s body," Alexandra says. "Or, if you’re more into heat, like me, you can get candles involved—one of my college boyfriends and I used to use just regular soy candles to drip wax on each other for a little BDSM fun ."
That said, a massage candle is a safer way to dip your toe into wax play if it’s new to you. “Drip high at first to cool the oil down before initial contact with skin, and take your time slowly massaging it in for maximum pleasure," Alexandra says. "You want your partner’s body to buzz like a hive of murder hornets.”
Moreplay is a marathon, not a sprint. (Though if you are pressed for time, here are the best sex position for quickies .) Instead of quickly stripping down, start by taking off their shirt. Wait a few minutes before you take off their pants, and so on. You can then focus on that newly revealed body part with kisses and licks. After taking off your partner’s pants, massage their legs. Once the top is gone, you can lick and gently suck on their nipples . (Nipple play can be enjoyable for all gender.)
If you’ve ever attempted to have sex in the shower or in a body of water, you’ll know that it’s nearly impossible to thrust while your body is submerged in liquid.
That’s why Courtney Kocak, co-host of Private Parts Unknown , suggests using the tub as a means of foreplay. “I feel like sexy fantasies that involve candlelit bubble baths or steamy showers are ingrained in us,” Kocak says. “Enjoy stripping down with your partner before you get in—maybe set a playful tone by taking turns underdressing each other.” Just make sure to keep the water hot so you can stay in for a while and really explore the intimacy of touch.
In a similar vein, go ahead and give your partner a little strip tease. (If you need inspiration, you can always check out the SNL skit with Chris Farley and Patrick Swayze auditioning to be Chip ‘n’ Dale dancers.)
If you’re a shite dancer, at least you’ll come off as endearing, but if you do in fact strip well, your partner just might want to pounce on you. (FYI, here's how to strip-tease like a dancer in Magic Mike .) Honestly, your partner is going to be turned on by you getting naked no matter how silly you feel. Sex isn’t always serious. It can be playful and funny while still being very orgasmic.
Sexy underwear is for everyone. If you find the right fit, you can really turn your partner on. (If you've never tried low-rise briefs, we highly recommend them! )
More of a tighty-whitey type? Rock on, my friend. Whatever makes you feel like a true sexual icon is the right way to go. Pssst … that might even mean going commando.
If you’re going to have penetrative sex, start by giving your partner an erotic massage that both relaxes and teases them. Prior to even touching them, you’ll want to set the mood with lighting and music (we recommend soft lighting - stay the hell away from fluorescents), and then go ahead and whip out the massage oil.
From there you want to start massaging them. Start with arms, legs, back etc. Relax their muscles before moving to *sexier* areas. Once they're really relaxed, that’s when you start massaging those naughty bits.
People get turned on by knowing their partner is having fun, too. That’s what makes sex, in all its forms, so hot. “If you act as if you’re just going through the motions to get to [intercourse], [they’re] going to notice, and it will take longer for [them] to get excited,” says Michael Perry, Ph.D., a sex therapist in Encino, California.
In other words, get into all your moreplay activities, and enjoy them while you're doing them. If you like how your partner’s calves feel, stroke them in appreciation. If you like their butt, kiss it. “When a man is loving what he’s doing, it’s going to show through and turn [them] on, too,” says Perry.
No matter your partner’s genitals, it’s important to start off slowly and gently. This is especially true if there is a clitoris involved. As wonderful as the clit is, it can be easily overstimulated if you rush right to it. “Direct stimulation of the clitoris can actually be painful,” says Cathy Winks, author of The Good Vibrations Guide to the G-spot . “It’s much better to rub the clitoral hood [where the tops of the labia meet] or to rub along the side of the clitoris than it is to go straight for the head of it.”
When playing with the clitoris during oral sex , Birch’s advice is to take the focus on and off that super-sensitive area. "The clitoris reacts best to being teased, so you want to lick it and suck on it a little, build a little tension, then back off on it a bit before going at it again," she adds.
When it comes to penises, going right for it might not cause pain, but it will certainly cause increased pleasure if you take your time getting to oral or hand sex. Slow down, bucko. We’re all here to have a good time.
There are plenty of ways to expand your oral sex repertoire, and you should always be looking to add new moves and mix things up. For starters, try lying perpendicular to their body and stroking their clitoris with your tongue in a horizontal motion, rather than up and down. They’ll appreciate the change in stimulation, hopefully enough to return the favor.
If your partner has a penis, try moving your mouth and hand in a circular-twisting motion, instead of just going up and down. Get your tongue in on the action and run it over the head.
Oh, and don’t forget the toys if you’re considering some prostate action. Check out this guide on how to use anal toys during sex.
The figure-8 tongue technique is one of the most tried and true ways to get things going below the belt with vulva-owners. When you’re down below, work the super sensitive area around the clitoris in a figure-8 pattern. Arouse them with gentle sucking until the little button swells, then carefully expose the area with your fingers.
Use the slippery underside of your tongue to circle to the left and then to the right. With the rougher top side of the tongue, flick from right to left and then up and down. Finally, work up to figure-8s, alternating between your tongue's smooth underside and firmer tip. Constantly vary the degrees of pressure you use.
And this figure-8 technique is not just for vulvas. If your partner has a penis (and is into rimming), try running your tongue from the top of the perineum (just under the balls) down around their anus, and back up in a figure-8.
Don't just zero in on your partner’s genitals. The body is filled with erogenous zones like the neck, thighs and breasts.
“Genitals are fascinating and fun, but try to spend some time focusing on your partner’s entire body instead of going straight for her crotch,” says Cassie Fuller, cofounder of Baltimore sex-ed company Touch Of Flavor. “Try caressing, licking, or nibbling other erogenous zones, such as her neck, back, ears, belly, or wrists.”
Oft overlooked as mere barriers to the vagina, the labia are packed with nerve endings and shouldn't be ignored. Hold each one between your thumb and forefinger and massage them, workin
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