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More than 20 years later, I don't often think about what happened on that spring night. But it's stayed with me anyway and comes back in my dreams, especially when I start to date to someone.
Aug 30, 2012, 04:18 PM EDT | Updated Oct 30, 2012
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Sophomore year of high school, I was on my way to the locker room in my dance team uniform after a football game we'd lost. I turned the corner into the hallway and saw Patrick,* who was a couple years older, storming towards me. Still in his football gear, his jaw was clenched and he was tearing the pep rally "Go team!" posters off the walls. I froze as he passed by and continued down the hallway ripping signs. Being by myself and seeing him like this was terrifying, but also electrifying.
Over Christmas break that year, I was at a house party after a basketball game that Patrick had played in, drinking Bartles & Jaymes Very Berry wine coolers.
"Are you going to the diner?" he asked, and I had to stop myself from saying, "Are you talking to me?"
"A bunch of us are going, are you gonna go?"
Inside the diner, there was a Christmas tree next to the door, and Patrick grabbed a candy cane that was hanging off it as he walked by. He led me to a table near the back, by the smoking section, and slid into the booth across from me. I ordered a hot chocolate and he offered me some of his cheese fries, and gave me the candy cane he'd stolen. I kept it in the wrapper and tucked it into my purse, and when I got home I hid it underneath my bottom desk drawer, next to my diary with the tiny gold lock.
At school I hoped to pass him in the hallways and at parties I prayed he'd talk to me. Neither happened very often but when they did, I was so excited about these brief glimpses and conversations.
One weekend in May I heard that there was going to be a keg party in the woods by the pond on Sunday night since we had Monday off from school. My best friend couldn't go but I had a feeling that Patrick would be there so I decided to go by myself. I wore a white Champion t-shirt, red Umbro shorts, a GAP jeans jacket, bunchy socks, and Keds. I went to my best friend's house before the party and she did my hair, putting it half-up in a clip and blow-drying and hairspraying my bangs.
Walking up to the clearing by the pond where the party was, I saw right away that Patrick was there and my stomach did flip-flops. He made his way over and talked to me, and at the end of the night he said he would walk me home.
Maybe he'll kiss me! I thought, walking down the dirt path next to him, and popping a Wint-O-Green Lifesaver in my mouth just in case.
"Did you know that Wint-O-Green Lifesavers spark in the dark?" I asked, biting the Lifesaver to do my favorite party trick.
"Hmm," he said, looking at me, and I could tell that he was going to kiss me. Covering my mouth with my hand, I tried to subtly spit out my Lifesaver so I'd be ready for the kiss, and dropped it on the ground.
A second later, he leaned down and started kissing me. I couldn't believe this was actually happening! But then he took my clothes off really quickly and all of a sudden I was lying on the ground and he was on top of me. His hands were all over me and dried leaves scratched against my back and legs and my mind couldn't keep up with what was going on. I was trying to decide if I liked it or not and leaning towards not when he told me to give him a blow job.
"I can't," I stammered. I'd never done that before and also I'd just gotten braces and I thought I might have TMJ, but I knew I couldn't explain all that so I just gulped and nodded no. "I... can't."
"You're just a tease," he said, getting up and walking away. "Just a f**cking tease."
"Wait!" I yelled after him. "Where are you going, what are you..."
He said if I didn't do it he'd leave me alone in the woods, and kept walking towards the road. I scrambled to gather my clothes and put them back on, and ran after him.
"OK," I said. "I'll... I'll do it."
"What?" he asked, stopping and turning around to face me. "What will you do?"
"That," I said. "What you said, what you wanted."
"Say it," he said. "Tell me what you'll do."
Standing completely still, my breath caught in my chest. I didn't want to say it but I did, and he led me to the top of hill with a stream trickling by below. Then he dropped his shorts to his ankles, put his hands on my shoulders, and pushed me down. He was tall and the hill was steep so it was hard to balance and I was afraid I was going to fall backwards, but I didn't.
Afterwards, he walked me home like he'd promised. But he walked fast and was a few steps ahead of me, so I took double steps, stumbling to keep up with him.
"This doesn't mean anything," he said, looking straight ahead. "This doesn't mean I'm going to talk to you at school or anything."
I nodded in the dark, understanding what it did and didn't mean, what I was worth and did and didn't deserve.
When I got to my house, I walked up the front steps and through the door, shutting it quietly behind me. Leaning back against the door, I slid to the ground. Feeling the cool tile against my face, I curled up into a ball on the entryway floor, wrapped my arms around my knees, and cried.
I told some of my friends about that night, but as if it had just been normal hooking-up. Then more people found out and teased me about it, as if I was promiscuous, slutty.
At 15 years old, I didn't understand what had happened. I'd had a crush on Patrick for so long and all I'd wanted was for him to notice me, to kiss me, and he finally did, only something had gone wrong. There was no label for what he did so it became a violation I couldn't name, and I could convince myself that it wasn't a big deal. I made one appointment with the school counselor to talk about it, but I never told my friends how scared I felt in the woods, or how sad I felt afterwards. It wasn't until I was in my late 20s that I told my therapist about it, and I was in my 30s before I ever told the full story to friends. But I've learned that the more I talk about it, the less power it has.
Sex has never felt safe to me; it feels like a precursor to being hurt, abandoned, and rejected, which is what it's turned out to be again and again. Looking back, I can't say that this one incident is solely responsible for damaging my sexuality and destroying my ability to trust. But I sometimes wonder if my first sexual experience had been different, kinder, I would have been able to make better choices about the men I got involved with, could have gone down a different path.
More than 20 years later, I don't often think about what happened on that spring night. But it's stayed with me anyway and comes back in my dreams, especially when I start to date someone. A few months ago, the night before my first date with a guy I'd known for a while and really liked, I had the dream again. It's almost always the same. I'm back in those woods, and Patrick's there, too, a few steps ahead of me as I wind down the dirt path, stumbling in the dark.

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My story is more humiliating than embarrassing. I knew some of the girls I went with to the beach were jealous of me, because I looked sexier than them in bikini. Over heard them saying "look at her flaunting her stuff in a string bikini" Having guys and even their own boyfriends looking at me didn't sit very well. I'm sure most of them were glad to see my bikini stripped off. I was sun bathing face down with my top strings undone, when some b****** picked me up off the sand by arms and legs. Never saw them coming. Found myself dangling in mid air with my t*** hanging out and bottom slipping off between my thighs. Hung there nude with girls telling them to turn me over, while guys got a free t** and p**** show. Bared it all that day and the fact that I was totally shaved down there and so spread out, I think I even showed off my c*** . Must have seen it, because I could feel my p**** lips wide open. The degrading part of it, was that it all was disguised as a friendly prank and almost had to laugh about it. The truth was I felt publicly humiliated and sexually assaulted, just to thrill everyone's sexual desires.

You’ll be alright, sounds like they just proved to everyone that you really are sexy

My mom is a nudist and she forces me to participate in nudist events. I feel always so embarrassed there and she forbids me to cover me.

My two sisters caught me in front of my bedroom window flashing my b**** to the boy next door. I was so scared they would tell my mother, they dragged me outside naked to embarrasse me in front him.

My mother got a devorce when I was 17 and re-married a guy that she had had a sexual affair behind my father's back. I knew she was f****** him when my Dad was at work. I sudently found myself living with my mother and a step father that kept groping me sexually. My mother knew about it, but so scared of loosing him she just ignored it. I remember he caught me in my underwear when my mother was out of house, threw me in bed and porformed oral s** on me. I tried to tell him it wasn't right, but he kept spreading my legs, reaching up squeezing my b****** and pushing his finger inside me. I was so disgusted when he dropped his pants and told me to open my mouth. I remember telling me to suck harder. He orally f***** me, came all over my face, told me to clean up pushed me into the bathroom in a rush when her the front door slam. It all happed in just 20 minutes but to me it felt endless. Nothing was said but, I'm sure my mother figured that something had happed but didn't really care.

I was 15 when my older sister walked into the bathroom with her boy friend while I was in the shower. I remember her telling him "you want to see my sister naked " while grabbing my towel and anything else I could use to cover myself. I almost melted with shame when she pulled me out and saw him looking at my t*** and making comments about my pink p**** lips. I'll never forget her laughing while her boy friend lusted over my private parts. It was like one of those wet dreams where you find yourself in front of a bunch of people with no clothes on. I remember running wet and naked down the hall to my room thinking I could never tell anyone about it. I never did because it was just to embarrssing to tell. At least her boy friend saved me from further embarrassment by not telling anyone.

I think your sister wanted to share her boyfriend with you

My mother used to make me do the dishes not caring if my brother was in the house or not. Even when I finished the dishes, she would forced me to stay naked so I wouldn't leave the house. I was 14 years old and old enough to feel embarrassed about my brother seing me so bare. He was just as abusive as my mother and would snap fictures of me naked with cel phone to show them to his friends later. I use to have nightmares about going to school because I knew boys had seen the pictures and there was no lying about to save myself the embarrassment. The horrible thing was, my mother kept punishing me naked till I was 18 only because she knew she couldn't keep from leaving the house and could decide to report her. I never did out of embarrassment of everyone finding out. I just move in with my boy friend and never went back.

I was 21 when my cousin's wife forced me to have s** with her. I was staying with them over the weekend in there guest room. Saturday night we had been driking with their neighbour friends. It was 2am when his wife showed me the bedroom were I would be spending the night. Half an hour later she came into my room, told she had mixed sleeping pills in her husbands drink and took her nighty off. She was 26 and remember she climbed on my face asking me if liked sucking p**** . Ate her out all the way to an o****** and them she sucked and squeezed my d*** and swallowed every drop of my sperm. The next mourning I felt so guilty about s**** around with his wife I couldn't leave the homes fast enough.

Sounds like your cousin wasn’t giving his wife what she needed

Went through the same shame during my high school years. I was 17, one of the few white girls in school and sure it was racially motivated. I remember getting cornered and harassed by a group of black girls in a beaten vacant house near school, used by students to smoke weed. They were saying someone had told them I had made a comment about black girls f****** anything that had a d*** . I remember them exposing my b****** , asking boys if they wanted to see a white p**** and yanking down my skirt and panties. I remember boys squatting looking at my crotch and while these evil girls spread my p**** lips, flicked my c*** telling me I needed a shave. I remember no one doing anything to stop them and remember getting my t*** squeezed and p**** f***** with a bottle. Could have done anything even if I tried. So utterly humiliating I had to leave school to save myself the shame of every in school finding out about it. Told my parents it was because of all the drugs floating around school. I'm now enrolled in a better high school.

I once got beat up and stripped for calling a girl in high school a s*** . I made the comment talking with my girl friends. That same day the girl came up to me telling me she was going to kick my ass. I took it as just tough talk till she ganged up on me with a bunch of her girl friends. I got kicked and dragged by my legs through the parking lot with my skirt an panties yanked off. I remember her saying "who's the s*** now" and humiliating me in front of laughing girls. boys looking at my p**** while hanging on to my blouse.

I had a similar experience- been at a huge college house party..very drunk And been flirting w this hot guy all night and towards the end the house was packed with people I didn’t even recognize. And me and hot guy end up hooking up in a random bed room upstairs. (I think someone put something in my drink because out of nowhere everything was cloudy like a Light Xanax ketamine type haze) anyways so we’re booking up when these two black girls And four guys drunk af come busting in the room saying look what we have here. I scrambled to grab my clothes but the girl snatched them. Then the guys saying look at this w**** bet she wet.,we know u came up here h**** with him let us see that little p**** - we about to make that white p**** squirt forreal ” My hands were pulled away from Covering my p**** as they spread my legs pinned my arms over my head to the railing and the two b****** are talkin about how swollen my c**** about to be as they spread my lips and started pinching and Poking spanking my clitt spitting on my p**** hole theN one guy said oh she loves this look how wet she is her little c*** is swelling up already ; as they get close to my spread p**** and flick rub pinch it the girls were laughing and videotaping. Telling the guys to pull my lips open and to pump my c*** up with this weird toy she had with her. I had to sit there as they suctioned my tiny little c*** for so long. Laughing humiliating me making comments about how hard and swollen they made my c*** saying this b****** c*** is like a lil d*** now as they took pics pinching n squeezing my c*** up close and flicking it hard rubbing then this girl comes in with an electrical toothbrush and a cucumber from the kitchen Saying u wanna see her her c*** really go wild? She Turned the spinning electrical brush directly on my c*** toothbrush spins..and the cucumber is pushed into me But it’s so big so I was humiliated they took pics with me tied and a giant cucumber Sticking out of my littlehole G

My hot older sister is a teacher. She has a bbq for the graduating seniors, mostly all guys, at the end of the school year, and I usually go, too. Rarely do girls show up, as they know, my sister will wear as little as possible, they don't measure up, and, most guys who go have known her for years. She admits to flirting and showing off for them all the time, notably the athletes. Few years ago, I went to the bbq, and, she was in frayed, ratty shorts and a tiny, black bikini top. Really showing of the 38's, put it that way. The new grad guys start showing up, all hugging her, kissing her, and grabbing at her. Day proceeds,
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