Fisting How To
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Fisting How To
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Dr. Jenn Mann is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the relationship expert behind InStyle's long-running weekly column, Hump Day. She is best known for her hit VH1 show, "Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn," and her popular call-in advice Sirius XM radio show, "The Dr. Jenn Show." She is a bestselling author, most recently of The Relationship Fix .
Recently while we were having sex, my girlfriend asked me to fist her. We've used strap-ons, dildos, and of course, our hands — but never fisted, specifically. She is one of my first girlfriends, and I've never actually experienced this before (I haven't done it, and I haven't had it done to me). I know that we're not talking about a literal fist-in-vagina situation here, but still, I'm nervous because I don't know what to do. What should I keep in mind? —Hands Up
How great that your girlfriend feels so comfortable with you that she can share her desires. Fisting seems pretty intense, and plenty of people get nervous about the idea of it, before they even really know what it entails. Part of that comes from a stigma or judgment toward those who enjoy the activity and what it means about their anatomy.
To begin with, it is important to understand that fisting is not a simple one-two punch to the vagina. It is a kink activity that requires some training and skill. For it to be a pleasurable experience for the receiver, there needs to be an abundance of wetness, and a high level of communication. Getting the vaginal muscles relaxed is a necessity for it to be pleasurable.
What, exactly, feels good about accommodating an entire hand inside of your vaginal canal? The people I have spoken with who enjoy it consistently say the same things. They enjoy the feeling of fullness and pressure. Many say that nothing hits the G-spot quite like a nice hand in the canal, and many claim that after trying it once you will think your previous sex life was quite vanilla and boring. So, high five to leaving that in the past.
Let's get down to brass tacks. Here's what you need to know before trying fisting for the first time.
Making sure you have well-groomed hands before fisting is important for both comfort for the receiver, as well as being sanitary. Make sure your nails are short, rounded, and filed.
If you're doing this outside the bounds of a committed relationship, where you're fully tested and aware of each other's STI status, you'd want to make sure you don't have any cuts or abrasions which can be open to others' bodily fluids. To that end, you could even wear latex gloves (the powder-free kind!), or nitrile gloves . If you've got sharp fingernails, you could top them with gauze or cotton inside the gloves to avoid accidentally scratching your partner.
Whether it's your partner's natural wetness or the store-bought kind, moisture is essential for fisting to go well. I'm a fan of silicone lubes, like Swiss Navy or Sliquid Silver , which are both available on Amazon. If you're an organic kind of gal try BabeLube Natural , Sliquid Organics , or some organic coconut oil . Do not use anything with a numbing agent. It is important to be able to feel all the sensations since pain is an indicator that something is wrong and your partner needs to be aware if she is experiencing a problem. (Side note, anyone who has gynecological problems or is experiencing hormonal changes that lead to thinning of the vaginal walls should consult with a doctor before trying fisting.)
Making sure she is very aroused before entry is a make-or-break behavioral requirement for fisting. (See the aforementioned wetness requirement.) This is a time for slow, patient, drawn-out foreplay. The more aroused she is, the more lubricated and, thus, accommodating her body will be to your hand. The uterus even lifts up into the pelvic cavity, leaving more room in the vaginal canal. In addition to the physiological changes that occur during foreplay, the emotional mindset foreplay provides will help her to be open and relaxed enough to take your fist.
Keeping the communication open throughout the entire experience makes it more likely it will be a positive one. Knowing what kind of talk your partner likes — role play , chit-chat, dirty talk , romantic and loving words — can help her to stay turned on and open to the whole experience. Even more importantly, you need to know if she is in pain or something feels wrong. Just like anytime you try a new activity that can be intimidating, you should have a safe word preplanned before you begin.
Start small and build up. Begin with one finger at a time and work up to four. Once you have accomplished this, you will want to move your hand into "duck position," collapsing your knuckles to be as narrow as possible while joining your thumb closely to your pointer finger. This tapered form should help you to ease your hand all the way into her when she is ready. The most difficult part of entrance is getting past your knuckles. Once you are able to do that, the wrist should move in pretty easily. That said, not everyone can take a whole fist. Make sure that if that is the case with your girlfriend, she isn't left feeling like she has failed somehow, and it remains a positive experience between the two of you.
There is a lot you can do to increase her pleasure once your fist is in. Try finding her G-spot . Your palm should be facing her belly side. Try using your fingers to make a come-hither type motion. Some women like to feel the fist gently move back and forth. Others find the sensation of gently clenching and unclenching your fist like a heartbeat to be very pleasurable. Experiment with what feels good, making sure to keep communication open. In addition to moving your fist, stimulating her on the outside with the tongue, finger or a toy can add to the pleasure .
Don't pull your hand out too fast, especially after an orgasm. This is a common rookie mistake. It can be very painful if you pull out too fast after your partner has had an orgasm. Keep in mind that you are not going to be able to pull out your hand while it is still in a fist. You're going to have to go back to duck position to slide out. She may be sore afterward. But just as importantly, keep in mind that this can be an intense emotional experience. Be available for closeness, connection, and holding afterward.
Fisting is not an activity that is a quickie. As you can see, it takes time, patience, and a willingness to tune in to your partner in order to have a great fisting experience. It sounds like you and your girlfriend have the kind of trusting relationship where this could be a positive new addition to your sexual repertoire.
In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sex and relationship questions — unjudged and unfiltered.
A listener wanted to know how to fist his wife.
We answer with a full step-by-step guide on vaginal fisting, from warm-up to post-orgasmic exit.
This episode originally aired in 2013, and we didn’t know it would go viral and become one of our most popular episodes of all time – still true even after 350+ episodes of the Speaking of Sex podcast !
Learn how to fist with grace and skill so you can explore this intense sex act without any pain or injury. A lot of women love the intense sensations of fisting and the feeling of being “filled up.”
If your partner likes big penetration and playing with big toys, learn how to fist so you can give her tons of pleasure and enjoy the wild ride of getting your whole hand inside your lover!
Want to know how to fist a woman? You are not alone! As sex educators we get asked this question a lot, from both men and women who want to experience the intensity of fisting. Fisting is the erotic act of penetrating the vagina (or anus, but that is the subject of another article entirely!) with the entire hand. Fisting is a form of large penetration that can feel highly arousing to many women. Inside the vagina, there aren’t a whole lot of nerve endings that detect subtle sensations, but there are a lot of pressure receptors. Many women love the sensation of being “filled up” and that deep internal pressure can be very stimulating.
Fisting is sometimes thought of as an extreme and brutal sex act – but it doesn’t have to be! Fisting can actually be very serene and peaceful or can of course be more rough. Like any sex act, the experience of fisting depends way more on the attitude and intentions you bring rather than the act itself. You can learn how to fist with grace and skill so it is an intensely pleasurable act that she loves.
Fisting is a bad name for this sex act, as many people have the mental image of creating a rigid fist and shoving it inside. Forget that image and instead think about the slow introduction of one finger at a time, gradually opening up the vagina and only introducing more fingers when she is ready. Learning how to fist will teach you how to pay attention to her arousal, penetrating her gently and at the pace that is right for her body.
One of the most essential skills to develop in learning how to fist is the art of folding your hand into a penetration-friendly shape. One or two fingers usually fit inside nicely, but when you go bigger than that you need to learn how to wedge your hand. Start by tucking your ring and index finger on top of your middle finger – see how that creates a nice pyramid shape? Then fold in your pinky and thumb to create the most compact shape you can. You may have to stretch and massage your hand to increase flexibility so you can tuck your hand in more tightly!
When first learning how to fist, use lots of lube and just take it one finger at a time. Fisting requires high levels of arousal, so warm her up with oral sex , clitoral stimulation and external anal play if she likes it. Then put her in charge of clitoral stimulation so you can focus on penetrating her. Don’t have a goal, just let her body invite you in at it’s own pace. The most intense part is getting past the knuckles at the base of the fingers. Wait for the vagina to expand and invite you in. Once inside, remember that really tiny movements will create a huge amount of sensation. Wiggle your hand gently, move in small circular movements and graze your knuckles against the cervix. Notice what she responds to and follow her lead about what kind of movements she likes best.
For more details on technique and how to fist like a pro, listen to the podcast where we teach you how to fist in detail, start to finish. Just hit the “play” button at the top of this page!
You’ll also hear about some of our personal experiences of fisting, including the hilarious incident of getting stuck in a vagina! Learning how to fist can be a fun, hot and sexy exploration. Take it slowly as you explore this intense sex act, and remember, penetration never has to hurt, no matter if it is one finger or a whole fist!
Please note: this transcript was auto-generated by software. It has been lovingly edited by human hands, but may not be 100% accurate. We hope it is useful to the hard of hearing community and anyone else who could benefit from a text version of the podcast.
Charlotte Rose (CR): Welcome to Speaking of Sex with the Pleasure Mechanics I’m Charlotte-
Chris Maxwell Rose (CMR): I’m Chris
CR: We’re the Pleasure Mechanics, and in this podcast we’ll have honest conversations about sexuality. We offer expert advice and practical strategies so you can experience more sexual pleasure. We use explicit language and nothing is taboo. You can submit a question at pleasuremechanics.com or by calling 302-IN-TOUCH and leaving a message. Today we’re going to be talking about fisting, and Chris is going to get us started by reading a question from a listener.
CMR: A Listener named Doik wrote in (love the name by the way) so doik asks “I’d like to know more about fisting, although I hate the term- it sounds violent. My wife often enjoys a fuller hand job. However, my hands seem to be just a bit too broad at the knuckles and I don’t want to push it and end up giving pain rather than pleasure. Are there good quality vaginal plugs (I guess similar to a butt plug) that would be better, or will I eventually manage a full hand given enough arousal and time? Thanks so much for all the cool info. We’ve been married for over 20 years and are trying hard to stay close and intimate despite all the pressures of teenage kids, mortgages, etc, etc… And thanks for thinking of us boring straight folks. All the best.
CR: What do you mean boring, old, and straight? Don’t talk about yourself like that!
CMR: We think everyone can have an amazing sex life no matter what their orientation!CR: Everyone’s interesting!CMR: Sorry you’re straight, no one one’s perfect! Ha ha ha, just kidding!
We believe everyone deserves a fabulous sex life and thank you for your question. It brings up a topic that a lot of people are actually really curious about judging on the number of searches for fisting according to Google it’s a very popular topic, but there’s also a lot of misinformation out there, so we are going to teach you how to fist your wife on today’s episode. We’ll give you all the techniques you need to explore this, and we believe that yes, you can get your whole hand inside her given enough time, arousal, and your math skills that you will be learning with us today. So let’s start by first clarifying “what is fisting?” So fisting is the erotic act of introducing the entire hand into the vagina or the anus, and anal fisting is another subject altogether. Men and women both can enjoy it, but I think that deserves its own podcast way down the road perhaps. And we’re just going to be talking about vaginal fisting today. And of course this can involved a male or female hand. There’s a lesbian joke that goes around: What do you call a lesbian with small hands?CR:What?CMR: Well endowed! And this comes from the idea that your hands can be a great phallus, a great tool to penetrate your lover with if you do it right. So we’re going to be talking all about vaginal fisting and the fisting part of that term is a little bit of a misnomer because you do not, I repeat, you do not put your hand into a fist as if you’re about to punch someone and push it into the vagina. There is no pussy punching here.
You instead introduce your fingers one by one and slowly stretch the vaginal walls to the point where you can slip your whole hand inside.
CR: And once you’re inside you can make a fist sort of shape. Some people do like a gentle pulsing motion with the hand in this shape, but that will be particular to the woman.
Right. So we’ll get to the techniques for once you’re fully inside when we get there, but we’re going to go through it step by step now and teach you how to fist. Ready? Let’s go. So if you’re driving, there will be some interactive portions of this podcast- you will not be fisting yourself, but rather doing some hand exercises to get what we’re talking about. So if you’re listening to the podcast in the car, please exercise caution.
CR: That’s a great P.S.A! Yeah, and fisting is one of these acts that can be thought of as really intense and extreme, sort of like anal sex is sometimes. We know that it can be a really gentle, loving, intimate, profound, beautiful sex act, and it doesn’t have to have a moment of pain.
CMR: Right, like all sex acts, the experience comes from the attitude you bring and the intention you bring, not the act itself. So fisting is often depicted in porn as a very like, brutal, rough thing and it really doesn’t have to be. And once you’re more experienced in fisting together, then you can bring whatever erotic energy you want to it, including more of a domination mood, but it also can be very meditative and peaceful and serene, so kind of erase the images you have of fisting from any porn you’ve been watching and really come at this with an open mind as to what this kind of penetration can look like. And when you get down to it it really is just penetration. It’s a large form of vaginal penetration that many women can enjoy. And the anatomy of that is simply that inside the vagina there’s not a lot of nerve endings that pick up subtle sensation but there are nerve endings that detect pressure. So a lot of women enjoy the sensation of being really filled up and fisting is one way to get that sense of being full, a lot of internal pressure and a lot of women find that highly arousing. So that’s simply just you know an act that feels good to some women because of the sensations it creates.
CR: One concern people have about fisting is that it will stretch the vagina, and it will, but that will just be temporary. The vagina as we know is designed to be able to take an enormous baby coming out of it, but it is designed to return to its natural size. So depending on what activities you’re doing and how often you’re doing it and the woman’s body that you’re touching, it could stretch out for a little bit- possibly a couple of days, a couple of weeks, or even a couple of months depending on, as I said, what you’re doing- but it will return. It is a myth that you’ll stretch it out permanently, and don’t worry about that piece of it.
CMR: Definitely. The other piece to think about here is preparation. So definitely we recommend having a high quality lubricant on hand, so to speak. A lot of people prefer silicone lubricants for this because it stays slick for a really long time and it doesn’t get sticky like water based lubricants can. But whatever your lubricant of choice, use plenty, reapply often and you know, spread it around- don’t just focus it right on the entrance. This is a kind of juicy, messy, activity so be prepared to get slick. Some people enjoy using gloves for fisting because it smoothes out the rough edges, creates another level of protection and barrier. And some women prefer the sensation of a hand with a glove on. But whether or not you’re using gloves make sure to trim and file your fingernails really well and men aren’t necessarily used to this so, you know, either go get a manicure or make sure you trim your nails really well on your own and one way to test this is run your nails along your lips and that will help you detect any rough spots. Your lips are really sensitive and if you run your nails along your lips you’ll be able to tell if there are any little snags or rough spots you want to tend to with a nail file. And that’s basically all you need to prepare.
CR: So obviously when you’re going to begin experimenting with fisting, it’s important that you’re both on board and know that sometimes the body can open to larger penetration and other times it can’t or it doesn’t quite feel like it. So every time you go into experimenting with fisting, know that it’s best not to have a goal and just to explore and experiment what her body is open to that particular time.
CMR: Yeah. And I think it’s important to recognize that when you are fisting someone, their body is really in control. Sometimes it’s considered kind of a dominating act, but ultimately her body will open up to you or not, and so go into it with the mentality of: you want to serve your wife, your girlfriend, you want to pleasure her fully and let her body be the guide. And I think that was really evident in your email that you don’t have an ego about this you just want to give her what she wants and give her a really hot sexual experience and that is absolutely the right attitude to go into this with.
CR: Yeah that’s just lovely the way you wrote about it. You didn’t want to cause her pain just pleasure. And I think there’s absolutely a way to do that.
CMR: And with any extreme form of penetration there is going to be that edge between pain and pleasure where your muscles a
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