Fisting Her

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Fisting Her





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Dr. Jenn Mann is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the relationship expert behind InStyle's long-running weekly column, Hump Day. She is best known for her hit VH1 show, "Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn," and her popular call-in advice Sirius XM radio show, "The Dr. Jenn Show." She is a bestselling author, most recently of The Relationship Fix .

Recently while we were having sex, my girlfriend asked me to fist her. We've used strap-ons, dildos, and of course, our hands — but never fisted, specifically. She is one of my first girlfriends, and I've never actually experienced this before (I haven't done it, and I haven't had it done to me). I know that we're not talking about a literal fist-in-vagina situation here, but still, I'm nervous because I don't know what to do. What should I keep in mind? —Hands Up


How great that your girlfriend feels so comfortable with you that she can share her desires. Fisting seems pretty intense, and plenty of people get nervous about the idea of it, before they even really know what it entails. Part of that comes from a stigma or judgment toward those who enjoy the activity and what it means about their anatomy.


To begin with, it is important to understand that fisting is not a simple one-two punch to the vagina. It is a kink activity that requires some training and skill. For it to be a pleasurable experience for the receiver, there needs to be an abundance of wetness, and a high level of communication. Getting the vaginal muscles relaxed is a necessity for it to be pleasurable.


What, exactly, feels good about accommodating an entire hand inside of your vaginal canal? The people I have spoken with who enjoy it consistently say the same things. They enjoy the feeling of fullness and pressure. Many say that nothing hits the G-spot quite like a nice hand in the canal, and many claim that after trying it once you will think your previous sex life was quite vanilla and boring. So, high five to leaving that in the past.


Let's get down to brass tacks. Here's what you need to know before trying fisting for the first time.


Making sure you have well-groomed hands before fisting is important for both comfort for the receiver, as well as being sanitary. Make sure your nails are short, rounded, and filed.


If you're doing this outside the bounds of a committed relationship, where you're fully tested and aware of each other's STI status, you'd want to make sure you don't have any cuts or abrasions which can be open to others' bodily fluids. To that end, you could even wear latex gloves (the powder-free kind!), or nitrile gloves . If you've got sharp fingernails, you could top them with gauze or cotton inside the gloves to avoid accidentally scratching your partner.


Whether it's your partner's natural wetness or the store-bought kind, moisture is essential for fisting to go well. I'm a fan of silicone lubes, like Swiss Navy or Sliquid Silver , which are both available on Amazon. If you're an organic kind of gal try BabeLube Natural , Sliquid Organics , or some organic coconut oil . Do not use anything with a numbing agent. It is important to be able to feel all the sensations since pain is an indicator that something is wrong and your partner needs to be aware if she is experiencing a problem. (Side note, anyone who has gynecological problems or is experiencing hormonal changes that lead to thinning of the vaginal walls should consult with a doctor before trying fisting.)


Making sure she is very aroused before entry is a make-or-break behavioral requirement for fisting. (See the aforementioned wetness requirement.) This is a time for slow, patient, drawn-out foreplay. The more aroused she is, the more lubricated and, thus, accommodating her body will be to your hand. The uterus even lifts up into the pelvic cavity, leaving more room in the vaginal canal. In addition to the physiological changes that occur during foreplay, the emotional mindset foreplay provides will help her to be open and relaxed enough to take your fist.


Keeping the communication open throughout the entire experience makes it more likely it will be a positive one. Knowing what kind of talk your partner likes — role play , chit-chat, dirty talk , romantic and loving words — can help her to stay turned on and open to the whole experience. Even more importantly, you need to know if she is in pain or something feels wrong. Just like anytime you try a new activity that can be intimidating, you should have a safe word preplanned before you begin.


Start small and build up. Begin with one finger at a time and work up to four. Once you have accomplished this, you will want to move your hand into "duck position," collapsing your knuckles to be as narrow as possible while joining your thumb closely to your pointer finger. This tapered form should help you to ease your hand all the way into her when she is ready. The most difficult part of entrance is getting past your knuckles. Once you are able to do that, the wrist should move in pretty easily. That said, not everyone can take a whole fist. Make sure that if that is the case with your girlfriend, she isn't left feeling like she has failed somehow, and it remains a positive experience between the two of you.


There is a lot you can do to increase her pleasure once your fist is in. Try finding her G-spot . Your palm should be facing her belly side. Try using your fingers to make a come-hither type motion. Some women like to feel the fist gently move back and forth. Others find the sensation of gently clenching and unclenching your fist like a heartbeat to be very pleasurable. Experiment with what feels good, making sure to keep communication open. In addition to moving your fist, stimulating her on the outside with the tongue, finger or a toy can add to the pleasure .


Don't pull your hand out too fast, especially after an orgasm. This is a common rookie mistake. It can be very painful if you pull out too fast after your partner has had an orgasm. Keep in mind that you are not going to be able to pull out your hand while it is still in a fist. You're going to have to go back to duck position to slide out. She may be sore afterward. But just as importantly, keep in mind that this can be an intense emotional experience. Be available for closeness, connection, and holding afterward.


Fisting is not an activity that is a quickie. As you can see, it takes time, patience, and a willingness to tune in to your partner in order to have a great fisting experience. It sounds like you and your girlfriend have the kind of trusting relationship where this could be a positive new addition to your sexual repertoire.


In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sex and relationship questions — unjudged and unfiltered.


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~*Because hands are free sex toys you already own*~.
Fisting, or the act of penetrating someone with a fist, might seem pretty intense, but with the right partner, a lot of lube, and some patience, it’s doable. For many people, when they think about fisting, the thing that pops into mind is that scene in Chasing Amy where Amy makes a hole with one hand and then shoves a fist through it with the other like, “Ta-da!” and Ben Affleck's character is like, “WTF???” But it's not necessarily that WTF!
A vagina can fit a lot more than you’d think — like, a whole human baby can come out of there — and you guessed it, a human fist can fit in there as well. But fisting isn’t as simple as throwing a fist up someone’s vagina (or butt), because you pretty much can’t do that unless you have an ocean of lube and a super-relaxed vagina and maybe tiny hands. But what do you do instead?
When Cosmo consulted queer friends on the matter, one woman, Samantha, 44, said that it’s not her thing personally, but she knows a lot of lesbians who do it. She says that since she’s been with her partner in a monogamous relationship for 11 years, they’ve definitely tried a lot of things during that time, with fisting being one of them. Her advice? “Use a lot of lube and a lot of patience. It isn’t something that can be rushed, and the fist can’t just be pummeled into your partner.”
Queer porn performer Andre Shakti says she loves fisting, and it’s actually her “preferred way to get off when I’m bottoming with a partner.” Shakti also makes an excellent point about how rarely we hear about women fisting other women in movies. Most mentions of fisting in pop culture seem to be geared toward people making anal-fisting jokes that are centered “either around male homosexuality or around a man purchasing the services of a sex worker to be fisted,” Shakti tells Cosmopolitan.com. So the idea of a woman penetrating another woman with her hand is often lost on mainstream media all together.
Despite this, Shakti says she likes the feeling of “fullness” and pressure when she’s being penetrated, and nothing else she’s tried has been able to give her a comparable feeling. Shakti feels “our hands are our best sex toys, yet they are often overlooked completely or seen as reserved exclusively for foreplay,” and if you don’t have a penis, the idea of being able to insert an entire part of your body in a partner (or vice versa) can be incredibly intimate and erotic. Plus, not having to drop a ton of cash on a fancy vibrator or dildo because your hands are ~free~ is definitely an added bonus.
Carol Queen, PhD, co-author of T he Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone , says she’s always enjoyed fisting as “a very intense sexual act that’s all about appreciating fullness,” though she cautions it shouldn’t be done too quickly, especially if the receiver isn’t that turned on yet. She also recommends as much communication as possible so you can know when your receiving partner is ready for more and when they want you to stop moving.
So without further adieu, let’s dive right in (pun totally intended) with some tips on how to fist and be fisted.
Katherin Winnick, sex coach and Deputy Editor at Letstalksex.net , says that if you're on the receiving end of fisting, you can help stretch out your vagina and get used to the sensation of more than usual by trying an inflatable dildo or butt plug (if you're doing anal fisting). There are also specially designed sex toys meant to mimic the look and feel of a fist, if you wanna get realistic with it.
Winnick also says that having an orgasm (at least one, but if you go for multiple, do you!) can help relax your PC muscles and get ready for receiving.
Remember, porn really isn't a realistic portrayal of sex most times, and you def shouldn't feel like you need to compare or compete with that. Winnick says to keep in mind that porn actors (whether they're pros or even amateurs) have spent hours training and prepping for a fisting scene, and then cutting and editing the footage to make a finished product. Real life and real sex isn't like that, and that's okay!
Fisting takes practice and training and prep! Winnick notes that it's okay if the first time you try it, it's not exactly how you pictured it.
Winnick notes that if you notice spotting a few days afterwards, you should definitely check with your doctor. "Sometimes fisting can cause micro-tears in the vaginal tissue," Winnick explains. Not only are micro-tears bad news bears, but they can also be risky if you or your partner has an STI. Your best bet is to always practice safe fisting and to not be afraid to call your doctor should anything seem out of the ordinary.
Even if you wash your hands thoroughly, you want to make sure there are no abrasions from the nails or hangnails, explains Queen. It’s also super important to make sure the gloves fit well — any folds in the gloves could be uncomfortable for the bottom, adds Queen. And make sure the gloves won’t cause more of a problem than they intend to solve. If your partner has a latex allergy, go with a non-latex material.
“It’s a good idea to bring a fisting bottom down gently after the act, as well as staying in touch and checking in,” says Queen. The reason being, fisting can be a very intense sexual act, especially if you’re new to it, she explains. And while vaginal fisting isn’t as likely to cause damage as rectal fisting, damage is still possible (especially if you don’t use enough lube or wear a glove!), and therefore, it would be the fister’s responsibility to help the fistee with that afterwards.
“I tell my clients that small movements feel big,” says sex therapist and sexuality professor Erika M. Evans . Once you’re inside, try moving your wrist in small circular movements, or use your knuckles or fingers to wiggle around ever so slightly to create different sensations, says Evans.
Shakti says only half of her partners have been able to receive a full fist, because their anatomy just couldn’t accommodate an entire hand. That said, those partners were happy to fist her whether or not they previously had experience doing it, so there are ways to get around that issue of their body being like “nah.”
Shakti says that even if you think you’ve put enough lube on both your hand and your partner’s genitals, apply more. She recommends using a silicone lube like Swiss Navy , as it’s much slicker than water-based lube and is thick enough for fisting. She also says to make sure to leave lots of time to relax and experiment with your partner, because fisting is “definitely not something to try during a lunchtime quickie,” partly because it can also be super messy. Which leads me to my next point…
As a precaution, you might want to arrange some dark-colored towels or a Liberator Throe on the bed beforehand, because with all the lube you’ll be using, the odds that it’ll leak all over your sheets are very good indeed. Better safe and dry than wet and sorry.
If you’re the fister, Shakti says you want to make sure your nails are short, rounded, and filed, and your hands are recently washed clean, and free of cuts, abrasions, rough edges, and nail polish (because duh, it’s going inside a body). You can also use latex or nitrile gloves, and if you really don’t want to cut your nails, you can always wrap the tips of your fingers in medical gauze or stuff the tips of your gloves with cotton balls to “pad” them so your partner doesn’t get clawed in the worst possible place to get clawed. Jess Wilde, Lovehoney’s bondage and fetish expert, says you can also get a fisting mitt , which is a smooth latex mitten worn over one hand to create a barrier between the giver’s hand and the receiver’s bodily fluids. Basically, wearing the mitt is an added safety measure and reduces the risk of accidentally scratching your partner internally and also makes lubricant last longer.
Wilde says a lot of anal-fisting lubes have numbing agents in them, but it’s a horrible idea to use them, particularly with vaginal play, because it can stop the receiver from being aware when something isn’t going well for them or is painful. The person being fisted should always be able to feel everything so they can stop play if something becomes uncomfortable, so skip these gels for sure.
Wilde says that if you’re being fisted and something feels great, tell your partner, and the same goes for anything that hurts or is uncomfortable. Shakti also recommends having a safe word since fisting can be so intense. It’s just good to know you have the lines of communication as open as, well, your vagina is when it has a fist inside it.
This is definitely not a sex act where you want to rush foreplay, so take your time and use smaller toys or even just a few fingers to get them wet and aroused. Basically, the more aroused she is, the bigger, wider, and wetter she’ll become, which will make it a lot easier to get your whole fist inside her when you get to that point.
Wilde recommends starting however you normally would sexually, and then move up one finger at the time until she can comfortably accommodate four of your fingers. Then, you can then start to move your thumb into position to create a “beak” shape with your fingers and your thumb (basically pulling your pointer and baby finger together underneath your middle finger.) This allows your hand to be tapered, which is easier for slowly inserting to your partner. At that point, it’s just about getting past your knuckles, because then your full fist will form pretty naturally once you’re inside.
Shakti says that it can often be tough to get past the knuckles when you’re inserting them, but once you do, you can use them to rock back and forth and put pressure on the internal part of the clitoris. You can also play at the edge of the vaginal opening, bringing the knuckles in and out, which Shakti says is her favorite sensation in fisting, so you know it’s good.
Now that you’re inside your partner, you can experiment by rotating your wrist gently, making small movements with your fingers, and rocking your knuckles up and down as mentioned before, and feel free to keep reapplying that lube when she needs it.
After you’ve been fisted, Shakti says it’s possible your vagina will get incredibly sensitive, and you might even be a little sore for a day or two afterward. Using lots of lube, going slowly during sex, and drinking lots of water after always helps to alleviate the discomfort, but it can still happen. Queen says you also might see some blood depending on how vigorous the sex was, or if the person is on hormone replacement therapy (which can change the delicacy of the tissue for some people), but it should stop. Queen adds that fisting injuries are pretty rare (though she does say to exercise extreme caution if the person you're fisting has had a complete hysterectomy or vaginoplasty), but if you continue to bleed, even if it’s just a regular d
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