Fist Herself

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Fist Herself
A listener wanted to know how to fist his wife.
We answer with a full step-by-step guide on vaginal fisting, from warm-up to post-orgasmic exit.
This episode originally aired in 2013, and we didn’t know it would go viral and become one of our most popular episodes of all time – still true even after 350+ episodes of the Speaking of Sex podcast !
Learn how to fist with grace and skill so you can explore this intense sex act without any pain or injury. A lot of women love the intense sensations of fisting and the feeling of being “filled up.”
If your partner likes big penetration and playing with big toys, learn how to fist so you can give her tons of pleasure and enjoy the wild ride of getting your whole hand inside your lover!
Want to know how to fist a woman? You are not alone! As sex educators we get asked this question a lot, from both men and women who want to experience the intensity of fisting. Fisting is the erotic act of penetrating the vagina (or anus, but that is the subject of another article entirely!) with the entire hand. Fisting is a form of large penetration that can feel highly arousing to many women. Inside the vagina, there aren’t a whole lot of nerve endings that detect subtle sensations, but there are a lot of pressure receptors. Many women love the sensation of being “filled up” and that deep internal pressure can be very stimulating.
Fisting is sometimes thought of as an extreme and brutal sex act – but it doesn’t have to be! Fisting can actually be very serene and peaceful or can of course be more rough. Like any sex act, the experience of fisting depends way more on the attitude and intentions you bring rather than the act itself. You can learn how to fist with grace and skill so it is an intensely pleasurable act that she loves.
Fisting is a bad name for this sex act, as many people have the mental image of creating a rigid fist and shoving it inside. Forget that image and instead think about the slow introduction of one finger at a time, gradually opening up the vagina and only introducing more fingers when she is ready. Learning how to fist will teach you how to pay attention to her arousal, penetrating her gently and at the pace that is right for her body.
One of the most essential skills to develop in learning how to fist is the art of folding your hand into a penetration-friendly shape. One or two fingers usually fit inside nicely, but when you go bigger than that you need to learn how to wedge your hand. Start by tucking your ring and index finger on top of your middle finger – see how that creates a nice pyramid shape? Then fold in your pinky and thumb to create the most compact shape you can. You may have to stretch and massage your hand to increase flexibility so you can tuck your hand in more tightly!
When first learning how to fist, use lots of lube and just take it one finger at a time. Fisting requires high levels of arousal, so warm her up with oral sex , clitoral stimulation and external anal play if she likes it. Then put her in charge of clitoral stimulation so you can focus on penetrating her. Don’t have a goal, just let her body invite you in at it’s own pace. The most intense part is getting past the knuckles at the base of the fingers. Wait for the vagina to expand and invite you in. Once inside, remember that really tiny movements will create a huge amount of sensation. Wiggle your hand gently, move in small circular movements and graze your knuckles against the cervix. Notice what she responds to and follow her lead about what kind of movements she likes best.
For more details on technique and how to fist like a pro, listen to the podcast where we teach you how to fist in detail, start to finish. Just hit the “play” button at the top of this page!
You’ll also hear about some of our personal experiences of fisting, including the hilarious incident of getting stuck in a vagina! Learning how to fist can be a fun, hot and sexy exploration. Take it slowly as you explore this intense sex act, and remember, penetration never has to hurt, no matter if it is one finger or a whole fist!
Please note: this transcript was auto-generated by software. It has been lovingly edited by human hands, but may not be 100% accurate. We hope it is useful to the hard of hearing community and anyone else who could benefit from a text version of the podcast. 
Charlotte Rose (CR): Welcome to Speaking of Sex with the Pleasure Mechanics I’m Charlotte-
Chris Maxwell Rose (CMR): I’m Chris
CR: We’re the Pleasure Mechanics, and in this podcast we’ll have honest conversations about sexuality. We offer expert advice and practical strategies so you can experience more sexual pleasure. We use explicit language and nothing is taboo. You can submit a question at pleasuremechanics.com or by calling 302-IN-TOUCH and leaving a message. Today we’re going to be talking about fisting, and Chris is going to get us started by reading a question from a listener.
CMR: A Listener named Doik wrote in (love the name by the way) so doik asks “I’d like to know more about fisting, although I hate the term- it sounds violent. My wife often enjoys a fuller hand job. However, my hands seem to be just a bit too broad at the knuckles and I don’t want to push it and end up giving pain rather than pleasure. Are there good quality vaginal plugs (I guess similar to a butt plug) that would be better, or will I eventually manage a full hand given enough arousal and time? Thanks so much for all the cool info. We’ve been married for over 20 years and are trying hard to stay close and intimate despite all the pressures of teenage kids, mortgages, etc, etc… And thanks for thinking of us boring straight folks. All the best.
CR: What do you mean boring, old, and straight? Don’t talk about yourself like that!
CMR: We think everyone can have an amazing sex life no matter what their orientation!CR: Everyone’s interesting!CMR: Sorry you’re straight, no one one’s perfect! Ha ha ha, just kidding!
We believe everyone deserves a fabulous sex life and thank you for your question. It brings up a topic that a lot of people are actually really curious about judging on the number of searches for fisting according to Google it’s a very popular topic, but there’s also a lot of misinformation out there, so we are going to teach you how to fist your wife on today’s episode. We’ll give you all the techniques you need to explore this, and we believe that yes, you can get your whole hand inside her given enough time, arousal, and your math skills that you will be learning with us today. So let’s start by first clarifying “what is fisting?” So fisting is the erotic act of introducing the entire hand into the vagina or the anus, and anal fisting is another subject altogether. Men and women both can enjoy it, but I think that deserves its own podcast way down the road perhaps. And we’re just going to be talking about vaginal fisting today. And of course this can involved a male or female hand. There’s a lesbian joke that goes around: What do you call a lesbian with small hands?CR:What?CMR: Well endowed! And this comes from the idea that your hands can be a great phallus, a great tool to penetrate your lover with if you do it right. So we’re going to be talking all about vaginal fisting and the fisting part of that term is a little bit of a misnomer because you do not, I repeat, you do not put your hand into a fist as if you’re about to punch someone and push it into the vagina. There is no pussy punching here.
You instead introduce your fingers one by one and slowly stretch the vaginal walls to the point where you can slip your whole hand inside.
CR: And once you’re inside you can make a fist sort of shape. Some people do like a gentle pulsing motion with the hand in this shape, but that will be particular to the woman.
Right. So we’ll get to the techniques for once you’re fully inside when we get there, but we’re going to go through it step by step now and teach you how to fist. Ready? Let’s go. So if you’re driving, there will be some interactive portions of this podcast- you will not be fisting yourself, but rather doing some hand exercises to get what we’re talking about. So if you’re listening to the podcast in the car, please exercise caution.
CR: That’s a great P.S.A! Yeah, and fisting is one of these acts that can be thought of as really intense and extreme, sort of like anal sex is sometimes. We know that it can be a really gentle, loving, intimate, profound, beautiful sex act, and it doesn’t have to have a moment of pain.
CMR: Right, like all sex acts, the experience comes from the attitude you bring and the intention you bring, not the act itself. So fisting is often depicted in porn as a very like, brutal, rough thing and it really doesn’t have to be. And once you’re more experienced in fisting together, then you can bring whatever erotic energy you want to it, including more of a domination mood, but it also can be very meditative and peaceful and serene, so kind of erase the images you have of fisting from any porn you’ve been watching and really come at this with an open mind as to what this kind of penetration can look like. And when you get down to it it really is just penetration. It’s a large form of vaginal penetration that many women can enjoy. And the anatomy of that is simply that inside the vagina there’s not a lot of nerve endings that pick up subtle sensation but there are nerve endings that detect pressure. So a lot of women enjoy the sensation of being really filled up and fisting is one way to get that sense of being full, a lot of internal pressure and a lot of women find that highly arousing. So that’s simply just you know an act that feels good to some women because of the sensations it creates.
CR: One concern people have about fisting is that it will stretch the vagina, and it will, but that will just be temporary. The vagina as we know is designed to be able to take an enormous baby coming out of it, but it is designed to return to its natural size. So depending on what activities you’re doing and how often you’re doing it and the woman’s body that you’re touching, it could stretch out for a little bit- possibly a couple of days, a couple of weeks, or even a couple of months depending on, as I said, what you’re doing- but it will return. It is a myth that you’ll stretch it out permanently, and don’t worry about that piece of it.
CMR: Definitely. The other piece to think about here is preparation. So definitely we recommend having a high quality lubricant on hand, so to speak. A lot of people prefer silicone lubricants for this because it stays slick for a really long time and it doesn’t get sticky like water based lubricants can. But whatever your lubricant of choice, use plenty, reapply often and you know, spread it around- don’t just focus it right on the entrance. This is a kind of juicy, messy, activity so be prepared to get slick. Some people enjoy using gloves for fisting because it smoothes out the rough edges, creates another level of protection and barrier. And some women prefer the sensation of a hand with a glove on. But whether or not you’re using gloves make sure to trim and file your fingernails really well and men aren’t necessarily used to this so, you know, either go get a manicure or make sure you trim your nails really well on your own and one way to test this is run your nails along your lips and that will help you detect any rough spots. Your lips are really sensitive and if you run your nails along your lips you’ll be able to tell if there are any little snags or rough spots you want to tend to with a nail file. And that’s basically all you need to prepare.
CR: So obviously when you’re going to begin experimenting with fisting, it’s important that you’re both on board and know that sometimes the body can open to larger penetration and other times it can’t or it doesn’t quite feel like it. So every time you go into experimenting with fisting, know that it’s best not to have a goal and just to explore and experiment what her body is open to that particular time.
CMR: Yeah. And I think it’s important to recognize that when you are fisting someone, their body is really in control. Sometimes it’s considered kind of a dominating act, but ultimately her body will open up to you or not, and so go into it with the mentality of: you want to serve your wife, your girlfriend, you want to pleasure her fully and let her body be the guide. And I think that was really evident in your email that you don’t have an ego about this you just want to give her what she wants and give her a really hot sexual experience and that is absolutely the right attitude to go into this with.
CR: Yeah that’s just lovely the way you wrote about it. You didn’t want to cause her pain just pleasure. And I think there’s absolutely a way to do that.
CMR: And with any extreme form of penetration there is going to be that edge between pain and pleasure where your muscles are relaxing, they’re opening up, the tissues are stretching and that can feel really good in a little bit of a painful way. But you never want to slip over that line to where it’s outright painful and not arousing anymore. And so that’s going to be a line that we’ll find together and you’ll be able to communicate about but women who are listening to this- and please know that it can feel a little bit tender, but it never has to or outright hurt. And so trust your body on that one and if you ever feel really a contraction of pain or you feel like it’s just getting too painful then ease back. You never want to cause your body pain in the name of pleasure. And you know think of it like a really good massage. There are some moments where it’s like “ooh that burns in such a good way,” and those moments can be OK, but don’t take it into a point where you’re injuring yourself.
CR: Yeah any time you reach an edge that feels questionable, you can always just hold still there or pull back out slightly, and keep stimulating the clitoris, keep creating more arousal, and then edge back again. So let’s talk about that good old clitoris! So fisting is something that is not an introductory sex act- meaning you don’t want to start your sexual experience with trying to fist. You want to really warm up her body, give her lots of full body touch, we always recommend full body massage- especially butt massage- and then get her entire sexual system really warmed up through fingering, oral sex, and preferably, if she’s multi-orgasmic, have her experience one or more orgasms before you start moving towards the fisting penetration.
CR: Yeah. And just to second that- the full body massage, the butt massage, all of that is especially important in these sorts of acts because the body really has to be relaxed in order to receive that kind of penetration. So absolutely- full body massage is a great way to begin these sorts of acts.
CMR: Seduce her entire body. And then when you’re ready. So maybe you’ve already had one or maybe two fingers inside her and what you want to start thinking about is slowly introducing one finger at a time as her body opens up. And one really good thing to do here is put her in charge of clitoral stimulation. So encourage her to touch her own clitoris while you focus on the penetration. That way she can bring herself as much arousal as she wants to continue to build arousal as you go inside her bigger and bigger.
CR: Perfect. Then she can go at the rate that she wants, the kind of pressure that she wants…
CMR: Yeah I think a lot of guys want to do it all and being in control of all of it, but in my experience (at least giving touch to women) sometimes it’s easier for me to focus on giving really good penetration if I don’t also have to worry about stimulating the clitoris in the right way. You know, multitasking is great, but sometimes you really just want to focus your erotic attention on one thing at a time and have it be a team sport. Put her in charge of the clitoris and you just focus all of your attention on your fingers in her vagina and what you are feeling there. And the other thing I want to say here is this is a moment to really drop your attention into your fingers. Notice what your fingers are feeling. Notice the sensation of the tissues and pay exquisite attention. I love this. This is one of my favorite things about sex with women- is the sensations of the vagina opening and responding to your touch and it can be just a really exquisite dance. So start noticing when there’s little muscular contractions, when there’s an opening, start noticing her moisture level, the heat in your fingers, and use all of that information to give her the kind of sensation that she most wants.
CR: I want to second what Chris is saying of just fully paying attention to all the sensations you possibly can in your hands and in her body so that you will know when she wants more penetration, when you need to back off a little bit, when you can keep moving your hand further in… It is really a dance of sensation and the more you’re paying exquisite attention to your hands and to her vagina, the more skill you can bring to this act.
CMR: Yeah and it’s a combination of noticing what you’re feeling in your fingers and then paying attention to her responses. So what is her breathing doing, what is her body doing, how are her sounds?
Notice when she expresses a lot of pleasure and experiences at peak of arousal and correlate that to what you’re doing with your hands and then over time you’ll get a sense of what kind of motions feel best to her in any particular moment.
CR: Cause there really is vaginal tension that you can feel and that is a point when you feel that- that you pull back. That it doesn’t want more penetration like when the vagina is ready it can really pull you in and you want to be paying attention to that sensation and really allowing your hand to follow her openness as opposed to you pushing in and forcing any kind of penetration.
CMR: That’s a great point it’s not a forceful penetration. It’s a gradual opening, blooming expansion of the vagina.
CR: And you can physically feel that in the vagina and that’s what you want to be going for- you want to keep opening her and then following that openness with your penetration. Yes.
CMR: I have this like, holy image of this tunnel of light opening to you and that’s sometimes how it feels.
And I think this is one of the things we said about it being like a serene meditation. If you’re paying full attention it can just be an exquisite beautiful experience for both of you. So let’s think about the fingers, and I don’t know if you’re in your office, or if you’re on the train, or driving your car, but if you can follow along. So if you’re fingering a woman with one finger usually use your index finger, and it’s just kind of straight and you curve it to hit the G-spot and it’s a great one finger on its own. When you go to two fingers, usually what happens is you press the first and second finger together and you move them together and you have a nice broad surface.
When you start going to three or four fingers (and this is especially important for bigger handed men, but we can all do this) you want to start folding your hand into more of a point rather than just having your fingers splayed next to each other. So right now put your first, second, and third finger- so I guess that’s the index, center finger, and your ring finger, together and fold the two on top of the center finger and you can see how it forms a bit of like a pyramid.CR: Like a tripod.CMR: Yeah. Well a tripod would be more splayed it’s more pressed together into a triangular point. And this is a great position to start introducing three fingers in. And when you get to this point and you can get the fingers all the way into the second set of knuckles, then that’s basically as wide as you want to go until she continues opening up.
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